Class revelations

Today was the last of the Coaching for Resiliency classes. A couple good things came out of it.

One was the issues of the word 'or'. Used in the wrong context, 'or' sets up a double bind under the 'either or'. I can do this or that is a phrase we're used to using. What we unwittingly do in trying to honor the underlying value is delete the thing we choose not to do in this moment.

Huh? Example: I can go to a movie with friends or I can stay home to clean house. Both have an underlying value of taking care of myself. The most likely scenario that will happen is that I go to the movie, then come home and don't clean. The cleaning gets deleted.

What causes the not chosen option to get deleted and not done? 'Or' sets up a deprivation or scarcity issue, that in having one or the other, I can't have both. In the moment of choice, that is true, I can only do one at a time. That means I can only have one, there are no other options.

'Or' also freezes time, stagnates it. If used with addiction, that could be a good thing. Today you can choose to use or not. It's only for today, which does not negate the previous choices you made or the choices you could make tomorrow.

How to get around this? 'And'. 'And' leaves the other choice on the table to be done at a later time. I can do this and or I could do that, and or I could do blah. Whatever I choose to honor and do in that moment leaves the other choices out there to be honored in a different moment.

Pat came to realize this when she took her son to the toy store. She gave him a limit of $5, then tried to pull an either or on him. He, being the wise kid he is, said no, you gave me a dollar limit, not an either or. He recognized the deprivation and did not want to lose the option of getting the other toy at a different time.

You get around this by setting parameters that are inclusive and name the value you are honoring. If you give the child $5 to buy a toy of their choice, they can choose which toy they want now, or if they are wise to the idea of saving, they can save the $5 for next time and get a toy that's $10, which gives them even more options.

'And' opens time, it's positive, in motion. I can do this and I can do that. I can do both of them, which do I chose to honor in this moment.

If your head is spinning over this short review, think about talking about it in depth for 40 minutes. For me it's quite the aha, that 'or' is a deprivation and how a lot of procrastination is set up. If I can do this or that, not making a decision because either way I'm going to be deprived of the other deprives me of both. Hello! A couple of us looked at each other and went, well that explains a lot.

The other thing Pat encouraged us to do was think of coaching as a brainstorming session. The client shows up with a willingness and openness to change. I show up with all my tools, my curiousness and a sense of humor. We work to co-create their new way of being. I throw out ideas, have you thought about looking at it this way, and what I do either works or doesn't and I try something else.

That takes the pressure and the performance anxiety right out of the equation. I didn't break them, so I don't have to fix them. Makes a world of difference.
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Raini is hanging in there. I tried to get her plugged in to fluids this morning, didn't go over so well. Try it again later. At least she's eating and working it through her system.

Tomorrow I'm heading to Fare for All to pick up some groceries, see what they have for Thanksgiving. I haven't been officially invited anywhere, so I'm planning on making my own. I've got a couple boxes of the brown rice version of Bisquick, so I'll use that to make bread for stuffing. If I don't get a turkey from Fare for All, I'll either get an overly large chicken or a small turkey, thaw it out, brine it up and roast it. Day after boil the bones for stock. Make mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, see if I can remember how to make lefse. Do what I can with what I get.
Then I have to run up to Walmart to get two more skeins of Ocean to finish off the afghan, be done with that.

Otherwise, I've picked up the knitting needles again. Three decades ago I knew how to knit and purl, could not for the life of me remember how to cast on. Had two glasses of red wine with supper last night so I was a bit buzzed, then I figured it out. Just had to not be in my right mind. Or my left.

Raini is sitting on the desk looking at me, like, 'Mom, you were gone all day and now you're sitting at the stupid computer AGAIN not paying attention to ME.'

Suppose I better go pay attention to my oldest while I still have her.