Integration

Well... just got home from a visit with Dr. Rory.

I've set an intention for this time off from work to give full rein to the grief I've been denying for years. We're between a full lunar eclipse that happened on the winter solstice and a full solar eclipse on January 4. It's a time of huge changes for most people. If you chose not to change, to be stiff and unyielding, you will pay for it with lots of pain.

My grief came up loud and clear while I was on the table. He poked a couple places in my back and I was sobbing. I told him I was working on letting go of not only my fears but all my hopes and dreams as well. I have to let go of the grief that's been pushed aside and stuffed away to let go of the weight.

He's not the first to comment on my grief. My acupuncturist did as well. During our last session she put a needle into a point on my left wrist that had been hurting. It zinged all the way to the end of my finger. The point she hit is on the heart meridian, which is loaded with grief.

He saw my Open Hearts pendant. My gift to myself this year was this pendant. I bought it for myself as a reminder that I can't let anything new into my life if my heart isn't open. I also can't let anything out, either. If I want to make new choices, the old choices have to go.
Open hearts, open circles, spirals. The dark feminine is coming to the fore.

Rory told me that 2011 is a year of connection, desire, understanding. What he called the dark hag of desire is coming up, the things we desire in our lives are coming to the front and demanding attention. We can either consciously chose to bring her into the light or ignore her and she will come up when she damn well wants to. I choose to bring her up now, to gently coax her into the light so we can work together on my terms.

He also pointed out we have two balls in our lives, one rubber, one glass. Our rubber balls are our careers, our jobs. If we let them drop we can bounce back and re-define ourselves. How many times have I changed careers?

Our relationships with each other are glass. Especially this year, if we let these drop they will shatter beyond repair. Some are already cracked before they fall, they may be able to be healed. Those already in free fall will break this year. Some people may not realize their relationships are in free fall and will try to hang on, only to watch them shatter anyways.

I suspect there will be a lot of divorces and business partnerships dissolving this year. And if they don't dissolve, the death of one of the partners because they chose not to change or adapt to the new energy.

See what the acupuncturist has to say tomorrow, and my Quantum Touch instructor on Thursday. It's going to be an intense week.

A week to the holiday

Bah humbug.

No, that's not for the season, just for the over commercialization. I'm avoiding the malls as much as possible, and since I don't have to buy gifts for anyone, not much of an issue.

Went to see my therapeutic coach instructor Monday night since I couldn't seem to solve my parts issues. One of the first things out of her mouth was that I'm trying to do too much, hence why nothing seems to get done. I need to focus on one thing, give it time to integrate, play with a limited amount of other things, then go back to the focus subject.

In other words, pick one thing and stick with it. So I'm choosing to focus on the tai chi, as that feeds not only my head, but my heart and body as well. The rest will just have to wait.

The other thing that has me wondering is the integration time. Just how much time do I need to give my brain in order to integrate what I've learned? It feels like I'm spending a lot of time in idle when I should be doing things. Perhaps I really do have that much to integrate.

A week from today is the DoJoKo holiday party. Weather is supposed to be good, so everyone should be able to make it this year. The party room is reserved, I can borrow the projector from work, encourage Jones clan to bring their latest games and controllers and go from there.

I'll do some baking on Friday and Saturday, stuff that John and I can have that's low carb. Dig out the almond and coconut flours and other good stuff.

Short week at work, since we have Friday and all of the following week off. See if I can find a working laptop to bring home and do some work on the sly for licensing.

And now for the snowstorm...

Gotta love winter in Minnesota. Just got through the 5th snowiest blizzard in recorded weather history. The worst was the Halloween blizzard in 1991 with 28", this one had 17.1" officially. Some friends in Savage, about 20 miles south of me, had 22", where I have about a foot in my backyard, not including the drifting.

With the snow comes the subzero cold. A high today of 3 degrees F with an overnight low of -14. Brrr. At least the heat is keeping up and it's comfortable in here.

And as it's storming outside, it's storming inside. Went to see an acupuncturist Friday night that is willing to trade acupuncture for me ghostwriting a Traditional Chinese Medicine nutritional guide for her. As we went through my patient intake she noted several things and are in direct relation to what I've been noticing.

When she put the needles in me, more than energy began to flow. Thursday night my former boss and I had a discussion about software licensing and how the Boy is doing. She asked me to stop helping him keep up with the EUSR's and SR's for two reasons. One is she's afraid of legal ramifications of me not being on her payroll while I'm doing the work. The other is that the Boy isn't keeping up. Her thinking is that if he fails, then she has justification with the !@#$%!! VP to bring me back because he can't keep up. She can leverage that it's a two person job and who better to bring back than the person that knows how to do it best.

In the Boy's words from a previous conversation, let them feel the pain, that things won't change until the higher ups feel the pain. I fear that if they feel the pain he may lose his job.

As soon as I started talking about this situation, the acupuncturist picked up that I am in love with him. I told her I'm working through Calling in The One, and it turns out she has the book as well. She thinks I need to ask him where I fit into things.

Here's how this all ties together between the conversations I had with my former boss and the acupuncturist. The Boy has had very little motivation since his wife hit him with the divorce request in the fall of 2008. She took away the one thing that makes him him - his martial arts. In essence, she blackmailed him into giving up what makes him happy to make her happy. Without his martial arts he doesn't have an outlet for his energy, his feelings, so he's not whole, and it shows.

It shows in his lack of motivation at work. With as many EUSR's and SR's piled up as there are right now, I could have most of that knocked down in a week and keep it stable. He's plain and simple not keeping up. Now if that's part of his plan to get me back in, then I need to know that so I don't fight our boss on that.

It shows on his face and in his hair. Every time I see him the lines are deeper and his hair gets more and more gray. He's more salt and pepper than his dad is, and he's only 41, whereas his dad is in his 70's.

As I've been working through Calling in The One, two themes keep coming up: one is letting people see that I am vulnerable and am willing to ask for and accept help; the other is telling people what I need from them in a way that they understand and are willing to give it to me. Best way to start is to tell the Boy what I need from him, both personally and professionally.

If it works, yeah, I get what I need. If it backfires, then I've expressed my need and the Universe can act on it from there.

Heat, finally...

I believe the heat saga is finally solved. Helps when you get competent people out to do the repairs...

This morning the association had the company that maintains the boiler come out to take a look at things. The gentleman they sent out, Pat, took at look at things, took apart what Richard the plumber did a couple weeks ago, and discovered that the valve that lets the hot water into my heating lines was put in backwards. The incompetent idiot that put it in two years ago put it flowing the wrong direction.

To add to that, there was a good sized air bubble in the system somewhere in the pipes around my bedroom. Since the bleeder valve was put in on the wrong side of the shut off valve (by the incompetent idiot), bleeding the line did no good.

Pat took out the incoming valve and put it in so the hot water flows the correct direction. He then also moved the bleeder valve so it's on the correct side of the shut off valve. He confirmed that I did install my thermostat correctly so the system will now heat my unit.

He cranked up the thermostat to 80 before he left, so I'm actually starting to get some heat in the house. You have no idea of how happy I am to have heat and know that I'm not going to freeze this winter.
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I will make one last comment about the last temp job I had. The VP had asked the director to have flowers delivered to me for doing such a 'wonderful job' - gag. The director picked out a beautiful bouquet.

Pink, orange and lavender roses, dark purple and green carnations in a square glass vase with colored glass stones in the bottom. I got them last week Tuesday.

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Lots of other stuff going on. The tai chi and 'Calling in "The One"' classes are surfacing a lot of stuff, layers of onion I thought I was done peeling. Evidently not.
Several of the issues are parts issues with very similar things going on. I emailed my therapeutic coaching teacher and she has time Monday night, so I'll go see her to get some help. See if between us we can't collapse the sugar addiction, the weight plateau, not practicing my tai chi, not doing my Calling homework, not taking care of myself.

I'm also hooking up with an acupuncturist I met while I was doing the rounds of BNI groups. She wants help writing and editing a nutritional e-book and is willing to trade acupuncture for writing. Now we just need to find a time to meet and figure out how this will work.

Gotta do something. My back, right about my heart level, hurts. I saw Dr. Rory Friday night and he couldn't get my back to move at all. Been doing a few things to loosen it up, but I can feel the energy getting stuck. I believe the acupuncture can help open up the meridians, get the energy moving so I can get beyond this. Do the qigong exercise Frank gave me to help realign my posture as well.

I feel like the bubble is ready to pop on a lot of things. Have my teacher lance the mental/emotional side, the acupuncture get the physical energy moving and the spiritual will flow into harmony.