Ren Fest

Today's the last day of this year's Ren Fest. I have a free ticket, so I'm hopping on Chael and motoring down. It's the Sweet Endings weekend, with free chocolate samples.

I'll load up my dried fruit and almonds to take with for healthy snacking while I'm there, along with my water bottle. I'm not buying anything, I will collect business cards of things that catch my eye.
If there is one thing that I do find, a silver hair clasp like the brass one I already have, that I will buy. I like the brass one I have, it adjusts to how long my hair is because I can bend the slide for the thickness. A silver one would be nice to go with the black and grey clothes I have. A nice, neat way to keep the mane out of my face.

Start the eight day job tomorrow, and I am very thankful for that.

Over the last couple days I've come to the realization that I'm in desperation mode. Very little flows when you're in desperation mode, you get more of what you don't want. Need to flip out of that.

Got to thinking about what I would feel like if I had an unlimited source of income. Would I as a personality change? Possibly yes, because I could afford to do some of the things that would help me grow spiritually by leaps and bounds. Would who I am at the core change? Possibly. I think the farm work ethic would still be a big part of me, as well as the loyalty to friends and being detail driven. I'd still be driving GM vehicles, still ride Chael, still be committed to helping people help themselves.

What would I do with that unlimited income? Set up income funds for my created family. Gift friends with the maximum amount tax free, which I think is $12 or $13k now. Set up income funds on a larger scale for specific charities close to my heart. Pay for the kids to go to college. Buy a new home, set it up with wind and solar power, home automation. Fix up the condo and sell it. Travel the world. Perhaps purchase homes in Toronto and Montana. Set up a wind farm on the land I own. Enjoy life.

The financial security drives a lot of this. If I have money, I can do this. If I don't have money, I can't do any of that. Maslow's hierarchy.

Back to the law of attraction, deliberate creation, allowing. Need to listen to that tape set again.

Also realized I need to work on the fame areas in my home. As my self esteem has gone down, so has my fame and reputation. Need to do something about that. Started one page vision boards, need to figure out what fame and reputation means to me, what it represents, how and who I am in light of fame and reputation. Get those done and put up.

So, off to Ren Fest.

Good news

Got a call from one of the gals I worked with a couple weeks ago. She talked the chair of the scientific conference into bringing me back while she's out for eyelid surgery next week. Dolphin just called and said they want me from the 29th through October 8. Sweet.

That's enough to pay the October mortgage payment and leave me a bit for groceries and gas. Whew.

Now I can call the other agency and tell them I'm available October 9, find me something for that timeframe.

Otherwise, taking a day off. I'm crocheting, using up some yarn I've got to make some baby afghans. Put them up on Etsy, see if they go.

As I'm crocheting and doing a bit of cleaning, I'm watching Stargate SG-1 on Sci-Fi. Forgot how delicious Michael Shanks is. Ben Browder isn't bad, I'll take Shanks any day. Between him and Chris Potter, if they were standing side by side, I'm not sure who I'd pick first.

My supplements will be here today. I ordered from VitaCost on Monday, and UPS tracking says it will be here today. I'm finding I'm really needing the l-tryptophan. Been off of it for over a week, and that's why I think I crashed yesterday for a while. This is one of those times I can't let myself crash. Things are too unstable right now, mentally I need to be at the top of my game.

So, back to crocheting and drooling over Shanks.

If you can't say anything nice

Don't say anything at all.

Today is one of those days where I don't have a lot of nice things to say.

I'm wanting to crawl in a hole and forget about everything. If I do, to me that means certain $%^&* win, and I am not about to let them win. Goes back to the violence question from a couple days ago.

It's just a question of how much reserve capacity do I have? Is my map and resources big enough to get me through this?

My self esteem took a huge hit in the last couple months at the last job. There are jobs out there that I am applying for that I question if I can really do them. Two months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now I'm doubting myself, and that really pisses me off.

Getting angry doesn't help me any. Getting even does. Coming out of this even better than before helps me help myself.

Watching Oprah yesterday, Suze Orman was on. Her spiel about a clean house equals respecting money, a cluttered house means you disrespect money caught my ear. Need to contemplate that one.
I suppose, more house cleaning ahead.

Interviews, etc

So, I think the interview went well today. I took my time answering questions, chose my words carefully. The position is for the CMO's admin. The CMO is a female transplant surgeon who has an ego, you need to be three steps ahead of her, and if you can read her mind, you're doing good. I suspect the HR dude was trying to nicely say she can be a bitch sometimes. Bitch just stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself.

HR dude had two more people to interview today, then will narrow it down to a second round of interviews for next week. If I get to the second round with the director and get through that, there would be a third interview with the CMO to see if personalities fit.

Here's the thing. Am I ready to deal with an overgrown 2-year-old that has tantrums when things don't go her way? Or am I confusing her with my previous boss? I do need to do some research on her, see if I can figure out who she is, do some testing to see if I'm walking into another trap. That can wait until I hear about coming back for a second interview.

If all else fails, I've gotten some interview practice in.

On the flip side, I heard from one of the gals I worked with on that three week stint. She is going in to have eyelid surgery next week and was wondering if I was available to cover for her (medically necessary, her eyelids and brows impair her sight by 30%). I am, so she was going to talk to the powers about getting me in. That will help the bottom line.
I'm also up for a year position in Coon Rapids. Only problem is that it pays $16 an hour. That covers the bills and my gas to get to work and not much else. I'm hoping the other person gets it and something better comes along for me.

Here's something I've noticed about myself in the last six weeks. It doesn't hurt when I smile for extended time periods anymore. Seriously! If field tech was around too long, my face hurt from smiling.
I've smiled more in the time since I got fired than I have in many years. I think that says a lot about the whole situation at the former job.

At the point I took the job, I wasn't really looking at the warning signals. I heard them but I wasn't fully cognizant about what was going on. Didn't ask enough questions. I thought I could do something about it. Now I realize I couldn't have won no matter what I did. I was set up to fail from the get go. This time I'm tuning in to how my body is feeling about things when I walk into the building. I'm noticing if it feels like P's former workplace, or when I came around the corner to go to my cube. If it does, I'm going to tread carefully and ask a lot of questions. If I can't walk out of there smiling and feeling good, forget it.

Might that be asking a lot, especially in today's job market given the financial fiasco Washington is cooking up? Might be. Law of Attraction can play into this cycle, too.

I know something will work out. Don't need to know the how, cause the Universe takes care of that. I just gotta keep the vision in mind, feel the gratitude for the things that are here/on the way.

I've created more vision boards. One for career, one for love/marriage/partnership, another for health and family, and for helpful people and travel. I bought more paper when I was out yesterday after signing up with another temp agency, so I've got all sorts of colors to work with. Need to find some pix of my favorite archangels and a few more career related pix and we're good.

Still doing the gratitude writing at night before I go to sleep. I'm writing down at least nine things I'm grateful for before I go to sleep. There are days when it's a repeat of what I've done before, some days have some new things. I do have a lot to be grateful for, time to recognize them.

Yes, I did go sign up for another temp agency. That's OK with them, the more I can work off each of them, the better. The second knows that the first comes first because they pay better. The second can get me more day jobs and shorter term stuff. Call and get them up and running tomorrow.

Monday

Yeah, so, it's Monday again. Another work week.

Spent yesterday in class with my favorite teacher. She started a four part class on Coaching for Resiliency yesterday. It continues what I learned in Structures of Personality, focusing specifically on how to create resiliency in an individual, a couple, family and organizations. I'll miss the next class because I'll be in QT Core Transformation, but I'll get in on the language classes in November. Perhaps later when I make a few moments I'll go back through my notes and give you some highlights of the class.

One of the things that struck me yesterday was what she said about job hunting. Not surprised that topic came up. Her take on it is to start looking for a job when you already have one. Then you come from confidence and a position of power. You're already doing something you like, the company you are interviewing with then has to compete with what you have in order to gain you as an employee.

I can turn that in my favor. I can work it as I like temping, your company has some things that might interest me into settling into a more permanent position. I can come from power, not the need and desperation I may have been feeling these past few weeks. Just that switch in attitude was worth the price of the class.

This morning while I was meditating, some ideas came to mind. When things pull together for a copywriting course I want to take, I can write up three for myself. One will focus on Coaching for Resiliency, what resiliency is, how people can gain it, what classes I offer, individual and executive coaching, etc. The second will focus on Quantum Touch for health care practitioners like massage and physical therapists. The third will focus on my skills as a copywriter, what I can provide.
I've seen some of these sales letters as web pages, so I can create pages and put these on my websites.

One thing I have done this morning is get in contact with a previous temp agency I used to use. They have some short term receptionist jobs available that can at least get some money in the checking account. If I have to, I'll work with both of them for a while until something long term comes in.
I checked with Labor Ready, not so sure about them. You need to show up at 5:30 am, fill out an application at that time, then go out to the job site. Their average pay is $7/hour. Don't think so. Between the other temp agencies, they can do better.

Before I forget, remember that from this coming Wednesday, September 24 to October 15 is Mercury in retrograde. The last time Mercury was in retrograde was in June. Choose your words carefully, take time to think things out before you do them, don't sign contracts if you can avoid it until October 16 or later. If you have to sign a contract, go over it with a fine tooth comb and clarify everything you're not sure about. With work stuff, ask questions and double check everything before it goes out.

And yes, still exercising. Now on day 9.

EDIT!!! It's 11:30 am, and I just got off the phone with the U of MN. I had applied for an executive admin III position over there, and they want me in for an in person interview on Wednesday at 11 am. The exec I would be working for is very data driven, so my experience with Excel is critical. They didn't balk at my salary request or that I have a week with Dolphin coming up Oct. 3-10, either. Sweet.

Interesting nuggets

Couple of interesting nuggets have shown up in my inbox the last couple days, thought I'd share.

So, most of you know I've had ongoing issues with procrastination. This morning this shows up in my inbox: Procrastination is NOT a sign of laziness, cowardice or unworthiness. Procrastination is the natural result of using fear and guilt as primary motivators.

That comes from a weekly e-coaching email from Brian Whetten. He goes on to say that "Procrastination happens because our body-mind has learned to be afraid of certain activities – and so when we think about engaging in those tasks, it shuts down our motivation or tries to distract our attention... However, the most common cause of procrastination is our addiction to negative motivators – it comes from our habits of using fear and guilt to try and push ourselves towards success."

He goes on to say that this is like trying to use a cattle prod to motivate, which produces pain, and our natural reaction to pain is to move away from it. He doesn't say how to change the motivation, but I think it in part comes down to the Law of Attraction. Move towards what you want, keep it uppermost in your mind, focus your attention on it, take action to make it happen. When the opportunity falls in your lap, take advantage of it.

The other came in September 11th's issue of I Believe God Wants You To Know by Neale Donald Walsch. His theme for the day was not to remember the violence of that day, but to work on healing every wound that caused it.

"There is one question that no one will ask of those who use violence to make their point: What hurts you so bad that you feel you have to hurt me in order to heal it?"

I'd been wondering about violence in general. Kept coming up in my meditation that I was on the receiving end of violence. I'd change thoughts ASAP and not put any feeling into it because I choose not to vibrate slow enough to attract that into my life.
When that came through, there was the answer to my question. It's a question we need to be asking ourselves when we act out in violence, what we need to ask others when they act out. What pain is driving them to cause others pain?

I was watching Oprah on Monday and the topic was on child porn and the people who hurt children to perpetuate it. There's a bill in Congress right now to give more money to law enforcement to find and stop these guys. The software is out there to track them and stop them. Law enforcement just doesn't have enough money and resources to go after these guys, stop them and get them the help to stop their pain that causes them to do what they do.

Go watch the segments from Monday's show. If you are disgusted by what you see and the comments from predators, do something about it. Do what she suggests.

If the federal government can spend $10 Billion a month on the war and another trillion on this financial fiasco the country is in, then we can easily spend a billion on helping law enforcement stop predators from hurting kids.

Mixed day

Mixed day. Applied for several more jobs. Got an e-screen back from one, filled that out and sent it back. Got my references in order.

I had volunteered to do parking duty on the 27th for a charity so I could do Ren Fest for free this year. Got a call from the charity, Ren Fest doesn't need us for parking, but will honor the free ticket. That allows me to drop stuff off at the city recycling event and then I can go to Ren Fest. Yeah!

Mixed bag with my agency. Someone specifically asked for me for a week assignment from Oct. 3-10. That bumped me out of a chance for a month long assignment. Then I get a call back asking if I would like a year long assignment that could start right after the week is up. Yes, please.
Then, to boot, they screwed up my paycheck, giving me only 32 hours instead of 40. Faxed in my timecard to get that straightened out.

P pointed me to a temp company that does things by the day, and you get paid daily as well. I'll check them out, cause I've got three weeks of no income which does not fly. Things like construction cleaning, catering, stuff like that I can do in my sleep. Better than nothing.

I've also got some ideas on how to always have a second income so if the first goes belly up I've got something to fall back on. I will not let myself get into this position of not having plenty of cash reserves on hand again.

A better day

Well, two things have gone right so far today.

1. I have a free ticket into Ren Fest on the 27th. Granted, I have to direct traffic for 4 hours before I can go in. However, it's a free ticket, and my four hours helps the Hearing and Service Dog foundation. Ren Fest pays them for the hours I work, so they make money, Ren Fest gets help and the tax donation, and I get in free. To even top things off, I'm getting an extra free ticket, so if anyone wants to go, let me know.

2. My Mac geek friend from the U came through for me on getting the printer up and running. As usual, when you don't know what you're mucking with, you delete things you shouldn't. His suggestion of downloading the 10.4.11 update and installing it might do the trick, then hook the printer up to my router to make it think its on a network. It WORKS! Huge sigh of relief. Now I can get some stuff done I should have done months ago.

Now the 2500L can happily go off to be recycled properly. The city is having a recycling day the 27th... well, just have to see if one of the neighbors can take it with them. Otherwise I'll find another way to recycle it. One more thing out of here.

Raini gave me a right good fright this morning. I woke up at 4:30, decided to go meditate. Usually she's asleep somewhere on the bed at that time, not this morning. So I go searching, she's sleeping in her crate. I couldn't see if she was breathing, and when I first touched her, I didn't feel her breathe, either. A moment of fright until she came to and meowed at me for waking her out of a sound sleep.
I suspect she was spirit walking. Sometimes animal spirits will go on a walk about as they are preparing to wind down their physical lives. I've seen her and Shad staring off into space for extended periods of time before. This is the first time where she felt cold and took a while to come back.

That time is coming. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Day 4 for the exercise. Yes, it adds time to my morning routine, better to do it then so it's done for the day and my metabolism is revved for the whole time I'm awake.

More jobs applied for. Keep doing that on a daily basis, bound to get a couple people's attention.

I was listening to a call last night hosted by Bill Harris of Centerpointe Research. His friend, Kevin Hogan, had some words of wisdom on various subjects.
One of the things that came up was that in a study of famous people over the centuries had some common characteristics. They failed big at least three times before their wealth stuck. They pursued the same thing over and over again until they got it right - his example was of a pizza owner, tried it again in a better neighborhood.
One thing that stood out for me was a suggestion about all the good things that are coming out of this crappy situation. Make a list of all those good things and keep the focus on that.

I know that the right job at the right salary with the right company/department that meets my work values is out there. The right time is coming, I just gotta keep the faith. Some days, looking at the checking account, that's not easy. I have to trust that the Universe is lining up the next thing and it's coming soon enough to pay the bills, make the mortgage and keep me afloat.

Printers and lessons

Oy. I have not had this many problems installing a printer in many years. I have tried everything I know to get this frellin' thing to work and it's not. HP's website is not helping, Apple's website is not helping. I emailed a friend who's a Mac geek at the U to come help me with this one.

While he's here, he can take apart my laptop and see if anything can be done about the video board. I tried hooking up the laptop to the 17" monitor I have, once I found the connecting cable. No joy, the monitor was just as fuzzy and fritzed as the laptop screen. Crap. Kind of good news - the printer did print from the laptop, with a couple pieces of garbage. !@#$%%^!

So, what's the lesson or information to be had about this? What piece of information am I missing?

There is some good news. I went to see Dr. M today about my back. When I hit the bump on Friday, T11-T12 compressed against each other behind the spinal cord. When I laid on the floor Saturday night to see if I could stretch it out, half of it did decompress and move back in to position, the other side didn't. So he moved a few things and got things to fully decompress.

While I was there, I asked him about the ADD symptoms and their possible start in my fall of March 2006. He immediately remembered me coming in that morning, so he did some testing on me. He's thinking it's an overactive fungal infection that's causing brain fog. He put me on Miranda to kill off the fungus and something else to help the synapses continue to fire so I can stay focused.

I did get my wealth corner set up in my living room. I have a wooden end table covered in a fun indigo fabric. On the top level I have the blue lamp with a white shade and some silver dollars. On the main level I have more of the silver dollars, a mess of 50 cent pieces, my fountain and my wealth and prosperity vision board. I believe I have balanced all of the elements of wood, water, fire, metal and earth.

And, third day in a row, I did my exercise.

So, it's Tuesday, therefore it's an hour of Good Eats and an hour of Eureka. Decent watching for a while.

Toodles.

Moving along, part 2

So, managed to get my butt moving for the second day in a row. I'm taking it easy to start with by bouncing/walking on my rebounder. Slow for three minutes to warm up, six minutes of a faster pace and moving my arms, three minutes of cool down.

I'll do this routine for a couple weeks so the body realizes this is a long term thing. I'm making this public so that I'm accountable to those of you who do check up on me. I'll even go so far as to give you my current BMI, which is 44 and a fat ratio of 57.5%. I'll spare you the details cause frankly, now that I look at it, I'm somewhat horrified. When I get below 200 pounds, then I'll give you weights and measurements on a monthly basis.

Yes, once a month I will give you an update as to how I'm doing with this. I'm tracking it on the Wii Fit, which is giving me the BMI and weight, and on my digital scale, which is giving me the fat percentage. I'm giving myself a year to drop the weight, if it happens faster than that I'll be pleased.

I'm working with a program called PACE, based on what weight lifters and others know, which is cardio, as we know it, does not work. PACE looks at and uses what humans did before we settled into communities - we were hunters that at times needed to sprint in order to either get what we wanted to eat or to avoid being lunch ourselves. Weight lifters have long known that traditional cardio destroys muscle mass, not build it. Several well known runners have had heart attacks during or shortly after running long distances because the body is not designed to handle that.

If you like, I will email you the PDF of the program, which is 1.8 megs. Take a look and try it for yourself. At this point, I have everything to gain by letting go of what I no longer need.

That includes another trip to ARC. I'm finding more things to go bye bye. A spring driven food scale, more clothes, other stuff I just have no need or room for. I'll make that trip tomorrow when I go see Dr. R.

When I was going to work Friday morning, I hit a bump really hard on Chael. I wasn't sitting up straight, and I immediately felt a pain in my back. Between monitoring traffic, I tested my toes to make sure I still had feeling and movement in them. Pain went away during the day cause I was busy thinking about and doing other things. Saturday night I laid down on the floor to do some stretches. My back popped above where it hurt on Friday, hurt a bit and the stomach rebelled. Finally got up, went to bed, felt fine yesterday. Today I reached up to stretch and it's painful enough that I can feel my muscles going into guard position to keep the area from moving.
Of course, Dr. M is full today and Dr. R is off. So I've got an appointment w/ Dr. R at 10:30 tomorrow to see what is going on. Hopefully he can coax things into proper alignment and I be good the rest of the day so it stays that way.

Talked to my agency this morning, they've got me out for everything they have open. I've been looking at what's available on Star Tribune.com, applied for a couple. Most are not in my price range given the experience they are looking for. I'll keep looking, keep testing, see what else is available. I suppose I should go check out and update my Monster account as well.
There's a Strib job fair tomorrow from 11 to 4 at the Earle Brown Center. Think I'll go check it out. Even if I get a quick interview or two out of it and nothing more, it's practice for when I get a 'real' interview. This is a numbers game - the more numbers I get out there, the better my chances.

I know the right job that meets my job values is out there. Somehow, some way, we will cross paths.

To that end, I finally, Finally, started my vision boards last night. Took the two pages of pictures I had printed out, taped some construction paper in the right colors together, and started taping. Why tape? Cause my glue stick lost its stuck. Use what you got, so tape it is.

I did break down and buy the new printer yesterday. I need to search for more photos and print them out. ;-)

Flipped through some magazines, catalogs and other stuff I had around, found a few more pictures of stuff I wanted to use. There's a poster website I need to look at for romantic pictures for my love and marriage board. My health and family board needs more pix of families and people doing healthy things.

My wealth and prosperity board needs more 'stuff' on it - what can I do with the incoming wealth? I want to travel, explore, do. I want to put the money, that energy, to a good use, above and beyond bringing me and my loved ones pleasure, fun, the ability to buy whatever we want. How can I use it to help others help themselves?

Something will pop. Get those finished, set up the fountain and pieces of indigo and red cloth in my wealth corner along with other things I have that signify wealth to me, see what the Universe does.

So, lunchtime is about over, back to the real work of the day of hunting for jobs. More like holding the thought that my right job is about to come into my life and be what I was looking for and more.

Moving...

Moving, indeed. My body, not my home.

Since other things seem to be starting over, figured it was time to start over with the exercise program. I bought the Wii and the Wii fit, I've got a rebounder trampoline, might as well get with it.

I've done the usual Sunday stuff so far: washed dishes, washed clothes, did some pick up and put away, found a few more things to donate and get out of my house.

Also been debating about a printer. Office Depot and HP have the Color Laserjet 3600 on sale, half price of $249 vs $500. The 2500L is 5 years old and I suspect repairing it would cost more than buying the 3600. Decisions, decisions.

Couple other things I wanted to point out. Coming up September 24-October 15 Mercury is going retrograde again. Last time it happened was the whole month of June. I think you remember what happened in June, could very likely again happen. Be very careful of what you say - think before you speak is cliche and very appropriate for this time period. Don't sign contracts if you don't have to, and if you do, go through them with a fine tooth comb and delay if you can until after October 16.

There was something else floating through my head, not remembering at the moment. I'll come back and edit when I do remember.

Wrap up

So, this temp assignment is about to wrap up in an hour. It's been a good three week run. I've worked with people I like and have gotten along well with. I've gotten a recommendation from a VP. I've had free time to apply for jobs and hopefully get in somewhere in this company.

I've been using the Law of Attraction as much as possible. My face hurts from smiling so much. Part of the smiling is because of the great work environment. Part is because I know the smiling affect what chemicals my brain is putting out, which reinforces the smiling even more.

Talked to my staffing agency this morning. There are a couple jobs in the company at another location, so they are going to put me up for those. I could be back to work as early as Tuesday.

I did make one small splurge purchase at the company store. They have a small wallet/cell phone 'purse' that has a long strap that can go either around my waist or across my body. Something for when I wear clothes that have no frellin' pockets, or for interviews. I don't have much clothing that doesn't have pockets, but when I do wear them, it drives me NUTS.

Been working on my LinkedIn profile. I've added a couple people today, wrote a couple recommendations, looked through other people's connections to make some more connections.

I've also been playing with this:

Pink Bubble Visualization

1. Sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes, and breathe deeply, slowly, and naturally. Gradually relax deeper and deeper.

2. Imagine what you would like to manifest. Imagine that it has already happened. Picture it as clearly as possible in your mind.

3. Now, in your mind's eye, surround your fantasy with a pink bubble; put your goal inside the bubble. Pink is the color associated with the heart, and if this color vibration surrounds whatever you visualize, it will bring to you only that which is in perfect affinity with your being.

4. The fourth step is to let go of the bubble and imagine it floating off into the universe, still containing your vision. This symbolizes that you are emotionally "letting go" of it. Now it is free to float around in the universe, attracting and gathering energy for its manifestation.

There is nothing more you need to do.

Hmm...

So, been an interesting few days.

I had one of the other admins here give me a recommendation and send my resume in to HR. HR emailed me yesterday with an e-screen to see what position I would best fit into. I worked on it last night, finished it up this morning. Printed it out, brought it down to the HR person.

Good timing. She was just about to head into a meeting to discuss two admin positions for the finance department.

Also good timing. The admin who recommended me told me to ask the VP for a recommendation. I quick typed something general up and showed it to him. He read through it and signed it on the spot. So when I went down I handed that to her as well. I told her about the department I worked with previously and who to contact there. And I mentioned tomorrow is my last day for this assignment.

Things are coming together. I'm focusing on her telling me that they would like to extend me an offer for the position at the salary I have in mind.

I believe I know which group I would be working with, so I did some noticing on them this morning. The group as a whole tests positive, one of the directors and one on his team could be interesting, so I think they would meet my work values.

This feels right.

That said, I haven't stopped applying for positions here and at other companies. Keep all my options open until I collapse that particular waveset.

Shortly I'm headed off to the Twins game. The department invited me to come with them, which I was really surprised about. I get to meet the gal I've replaced for the last three weeks and spend a bit of time with people I haven't met yet.

Gotta clean out Taez so I can get people in his back seat. I volunteered to drive from here to the Dome.

Toodles!

What to say...

Lots of things running around in this head of mine this morning.

For the first time in several years I forgot to set my alarm. I woke up at 5:36 this morning, more than a full hour after I normally do. Did a half hour of meditation, then hit the shower and did the rest of my morning routine. I still made it to work 10 minutes early. Go figure.

One of the things that popped up during my mediatation is panic. I'm usually not prone to panic, given my training as an EMT and just being able to focus on what needs to be done at the moment, deal with the emotions later.

I know where that's led me - lots of stuffed emotions that are still being processed through. As I feel these moments of panic - how am I going to pay the bills, what happens if I lose the condo, will I lose my land - I'm doing my best to feel them as fully as I can. Feel them now in their entirety so I can move through this. Emotions as Energy in Motion.

Push comes to shove, I do have some resources. I could extend my farm loan, which I think the credit union would agree to. My land is worth over $300k, the cash rent covers the loan. I could call my oldest brother and ask him for a loan. I can remind people I loaned money to that they still owe me. I can work on the feng shui in my house and get the financial energy flowing again.

I can surrender this whole mess to the Universe and trust that somehow, some way, things will work out OK.

The fear at times can be overwhelming. In the deep of the night I've been scared and terrified of the what if's. What would happen if I did lose my home, my land? What wouldn't happen if I did? What wouldn't happen if I didn't?
Half the battle with fear is admitting you have it in the first place. I've said it. I'm breathing through the twisted guts of anxiety. I'm using what I know to get out of the anxiety and panic.

I will get through this. If I can survive two suicide attempts, several attempts of nature to eliminate me, my childhood and everything else I've attracted into my life, I can get through this.

I have to. There are no other options.

Maybe that's why I've buried my nose in the Kris Longknife series again. It's a series of sci-fi books about a 24th century young woman who comes from a trillionaire family full of history. That family history includes a running feud with another trillionaire family that kidnapped and murdered her little brother when she was 10. The series is about her ongoing battles to stay alive despite the assassination attempts and the situations her great-grandfathers put her into through her naval career.
The line that keeps coming up, no matter what situation Kris finds herself in, is that what she comes up with is the only right and ethical and moral option. Life throws her a hand grenade, she lobbs it back to the fool who tried to kill her. She is a leader because she has no other choice, ain't no one else picking up the slack.

Funny what you're drawn to when you need some inspiration. I've read this series through several times. There are currently five books, I'm waiting until the next one is released October 28.

Back to work.

Edit: After I wrote and published this, I checked my email. In that email came my daily "Conversations with God" email from Neale Donald Walsch. Here's what he had to say today:

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...

....that you are only one short step away from manifesting what you need to reach your goal.

Do not stop now. Whatever you do, do not stop now.

Okay? Is that clear enough? Is that a clear enough sign? You asked for a sign, didn't you? So, is that clear enough?

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today.

Dang...
After I got this, two things came up. Both relate to one of the gals I've been working with the last couple weeks. She sent my resume with a recommendation to the HR person for the building I'm in. After looking at my resume, the HR person wants to talk to me further. S said she will help me with some interview prep as well, cause she really would like to see me work there.

She also has a neighbor that runs a hair salon. She asked the neighbor if she had thought about having a massage therapist in her shop. The neighbor said yes, just hasn't followed up on it. She told her about me and that she would get my contact info. So I might have an in there.

Time will tell. This gives me hope.

Weddings

Well, McK is now officially Mrs. GG. Or is GG now officially Mr. McK?

Doesn't matter, they are now legally joined at the hips and lips.

The bride was gorgeous, of course, and the groom his good looking self. The rest of the wedding and reception seemed to fall into place. Even if it didn't fall exactly the way McK wanted it to go, enough did to make it look grand. Good job, kiddo.

As for me, my extreme dislike of crowds really kicked in. I got to the church as late as I dared and sat in the back pew. Once I'd made it though the reception line, I bolted for the reception site. Sat in my truck and read a book for a couple hours. Should have sat out there for another hour, and brought more snacks and water.

After the meal, I found McK and said my farewell. Came home with a blinding headache that I'd been fighting since I set foot in the church. Headaches and rainy roads don't mix well. Taez and I got home in one piece, went straight to bed.

This will probably be the last wedding now for quite a few years. Most of my friends are already married, my wedding prospects are not the brightest at the moment. The next ones will probably be Thing 1 and 2 from Jones clan and R from Dominik clan in the next 10-20 years. Those three are 14 & 15 right now. Here's to hoping they wait for their late 20's or early 30's to settle down. Find out who they are first, then find someone who matches their values.

Perhaps that's a discussion I need to have with them once they graduate from high school. What do you value in your career, what you want to do, who you want to love? Set them on a better path than I had. Help them as best I can, show them another way to do things, be the aunt they can come to when they can't go to Mom and Dad.

As I sat in the wedding, I thought about what I might like for my own wedding some day. Don't know that mine will be a traditional wedding. I may call upon a couple people I know to do the legal part of it with a witness or two, then have a reception later. I don't want all the fuss and hullabaloo. 

At one point in my life I had considered doing a Ren Fest wedding, or something on the building site I grew up on. Those plans had included my parents being there, along with the rest of my family. Now I want none of that. I may not even tell my blood relatives about it until long after the deed is done.

That leaves me wondering just how scrambled my brain really is, that I have a stronger bond to my 'endorphin rush' than I've ever had to my blood family.  When I left work on Aug. 7, I didn't cry until it really hit home that I wouldn't see him again. Crying on a motorcycle is not a wise thing to do, so I smashed that back down until I could get home.

Point is, once that bond is somehow formed, I'm loyal to that person until something irrevocably shatters the bond. The last people I let go of because their friendships hurt me more than supported me. When you don't have anything to say to the other person, it's time to move on.

Others are worth fighting for. Two people I left behind I will do my damnedest to stay in contact with, to be relevant in their lives. They are awake and most worthy of staying in contact with.

That said, the surprise in the bottom of McK's present? A baby afghan. I don't know where I'll be when that day comes, so I figured I'd give it to her now. Something for her and G to plan for in the next couple years. I know she'll be a great mom, and G will be a good daddy.

Just remind him, McK, that the first man a woman falls in love with is her father. He is the role model your daughter will forever base her boyfriend and husband choices on. Help him be the best role model he can, through your marriage, so she can make the best decisions she can when that time comes.

Same goes for you and your son. He may be a momma's boy, but he'll choose someone just like Mom when the day comes.

Moving along

Well, tonight I go pick up my shiny new resume and start applying for jobs. It will be interesting to see how she does it, how she combines and states things. I'll use that to also update my Linked In profile to make sure that's up to date.

Hey - for those of you who haven't joined Linked In yet, think of this as a subtle reminder to get your profiles out there and linked to me. Please?

As seems to happen in my meditations, I came up with some ideas this morning for some classes to present. They would be on stress and anxiety, how we create them, how to deal with them. The information would be based in my Structures of Personality class I took. Put it together a lunch & learn event. See if I can sell it to some companies, maybe even offer it to non-profits to help people help themselves.

Since today has been pretty slow, I've been outlining the classes, coming up with content. I need to review my notes from the class I took to flesh out the curriculum. I also need to come up with some handouts and take aways. One I've thought of is an MP3 of a guided visualization that people can use to help themselves, one for stress, one for anxiety. Email that to them after the class as a follow up.

That would also mean getting my website for the business back up and running. It's been down for over a year now, so I need to put together some content and actually post the thing. When I get it up and running, I'll let you know.

Then there's McK's wedding this weekend. I have to go through the house and find the invite. I think I know where I need to be and when, just need to double check. Her present is already bagged, along with the surprise in the bottom. I just need to write on the card and explain what the surprise is and why I'm giving it to her and G now.

The weather looks like she'll get her wish of a low to mid 70 degree day. I set that intention as soon as she told told us about the engagement.
That may change my choice of clothes. Again. Perhaps a quick run through Lane Bryant and Catherines is on the docket for tomorrow night.
---

Had lunch yesterday with some of the group I worked with when I was here in 2006-07. It was good to see them, get caught up on how they are doing after losing 6 of 14 team members. When I left, the gal I reported to was in management training, as the director was at some point planning to retire or transition up the ladder.
They got a couple months warning that things would be shaking out. Still, a lot of tears and heartbreak the day it happened.

Here's what hit me the most: how optimistic the group is. They are all pulling together to get things done, to keep each other's spirits buoyed. C is doing her best to show the company why they need to keep a library, keep people who have a master's in library science to do research, and all the supporting people that keep this vast physical and electronic library afloat.

It was refreshing to see how optimistic they all were, despite what happened. They are being resiliant in the face of adversity. Open, honest communication about how everyone is doing, how to keep the team working is how she's doing it. I know C can pull it off. I've got some ideas for her, to help her help herself and the rest of the group.

That's a leader I can easily follow.

So, it's soon time to wander down to Chael and navigate him down to Minneapolis so I can get my resume.

Life in general

Ugh. Signs of getting older have become known.

I found my first white/grey hair yesterday. If it hadn't come out on my ponytail holder, I wouldn't have believed it was mine. I know the holder was clean when I put it in, so it could only have come from my head.

Not real sure how I feel about finding this. I know I'm not getting younger. Still, it's a bit of a shock.
I'm kind of used to my hair changing color on it's own. I used to be a very light golden blond most of my youth until I hit 30. That's when I noticed I was going dark, finding brunette strands among the gold. I was content with the honey/caramel blond, muddy as it is compared to what it was.
Now I find white. My dad was a very light blond, went white from the time I was 5 or so, which would have put him at 45. Mom was a dark brunette, kept most of her color until she was in her 70's. It really went gray when she got cancer, about a year before she died.

There is a precedence in my family for going darker before going grey. My brothers and sister were all blond when they were little (different dad). As they hit their teens they went brunette. So it's in the genes, through Mom, to go dark. Still...

Met with the resume writer last night. With all the stuff I've done, I'm looking at a 2 page resume. She's going to work on it today and tomorrow, I'll stop in tomorrow night to see what she's accomplished and if I like the final results. She will give me a paper copy and send me the electronic version. The electronic version will be uploadable and scanable.

It won't be cheap - $275 for the resume and cover letter. I've learned over the years it is better to pay people for their passion and concentrate on what I am good at. Besides, it's also a tax write off for the job search.

In my spare time, I've been reading "Rules for Renegades" by Christine Crawford-Lynch. Interesting book, in how she uses her life to explain alternative ways of doing things. Some of it is Law of Attraction, most is plain old hard work.

Do I consider myself a renegade? Let's just say I don't always fit in to corporate structure. I'm too used to being my own leader, doing what needs to be done, damn the rules and whoevers toes I step on. Get it done, go to the people you need answers from directly. Chain of command doesn't always work, leaves too many people interpreting what was said to get a straight answer. Chain of command works in the military because there are written orders and little room for interpretation. Corporations, too much wiggle room, too much politics, and too much CYA.

I do like the company I'm temping at now. Their misson statement is very clear about communication between the patients, the doctors, the company and everyone who works for the company. There is very little conflict within departments or between departments. If there is, HR gets involved and things are negotiated to a peaceful settlement.

There's an undercurrent of openness and honesty. There has to be when you have a government agency hanging over every step you make, knowing you could be sued (and have been) if a mistake is made and you don't immediately come clean about it. It's a refreshing change.

I would love to work here full time. Once I get this polished resume, I'm uploading it and applying to the open positions. See if I can find out internally who I need to talk to to get my foot in the door. That I've temped here also helps.

I know the right position is out there waiting for me. I know what I want from it, what I value in the people I am working with. I'm doing my part, now the Universe just needs to line things up for me.

So, back to cleaning up the VP's contact database.