Critter and such

You would think a 42 year old woman wouldn't have stuffed animals around the house anymore, that she would have outgrown the need for them years ago. Yet this collection is still lurking in my bedroom. From the left: Mouser Bear, Pandy, Star and Zen, Baby Crissy and Aiden, and Thai.

Baby Crissy has been with me since Christmas when I was in first grade. Mom let me pick one present after I got home from doing the Christmas play, and I went right straight for her. She's been in my life 37 years. I had hoped to one day, possibly, to give her to my daughter. I know that will never happen. Yet I still feel like I can't part with her, not until I know she's going to a good home, where someone will care for her like I did.

Mouser Bear is next oldest. I picked him up somewhere on the trip to the National FFA convention in 1982, 83? Don't remember the date for sure, other than the parlimentary procedure team had finally won state and we were invited to Nationals. I picked him up partially because he looked more like a mouse than a bear - hence the name, and the guy I had a crush on at the time, his nickname was Mouse. He's been perched up on a glass shelf above my bed for the last five, almost six years. Somehow, with all the banging the boys upstairs were doing yesterday, he fell off the shelf.

When I found him, I had to wonder how much of a sign it was. Time to let go and move on. That thought alone sent me into sobs, unsure if it was for the child in me that still needed the comfort of a bear to hold, or for the child that felt the need so long ago to have something that would understand when no one else would or could.

The rest were purchased to give me physical representation to the animal guides that assisted me for a while. Aiden was the first, then Star, Zen and Thai, Pandy, and several others. Each had their own gift to give me, then moved on. Yet I'm not sure I'm ready to give them up, either.

Perhaps it's time to put them up on the top shelf in the closet, behind closed doors. I think what I need to do is ask that people who need them, need what they represent, be brought into my life so I can gift them with the stuffed animals. Give to them as the spirit guides gave to me.

Mouser and Crissy? Crissy would have to go to a very special little girl, someone who would cherish her as much as I have. MB... dunno. Is it worth it to hang on to the history that damaged me in some ways and gave me the strength to keep going in others?

According to feng shui, until I let go of them, there's not room in my home, or my heart, for anyone to come in and take their place. So up on the shelf, behind the closed door they will go. If they are still there in a year, after being out of sight, I should be able to let them go.

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

Trust

Trusting myself and processes are not something that comes to me easily. Especially when the process doesn't seem to quite go as planned.

Some of you might remember from my early days here talking about me doing a gallbladder and liver flush, to move gallstones out of my gallbladder and liver. I've done the process at least 20 times - for a while in 2006 I was doing one every three weeks. It's been about a year since I did the last one. I figured this was a good time to do another one - spring cleaning internally.

I've been prepping for a while. Started taking malic acid caps a month ago to soften the stones. Been eating mostly vegetarian this week, for sure Thursday. Survived only on carbs yesterday, noticing as my blood sugar fluxed back and forth, trying to keep things stead with no fat or protein to help. Did everything according to plan.

Then... nothing. The epsom salts solution didn't seem to work last night. Normally I would have missed all the TV shows I watch Friday night because I would have been indisposed. No joy. I even stayed up until 11 to see if things would finally work. No. Decision time: do I take the second solution to make the bile dump happen or not take the chance? Given my starvation mode all day and how hungry I was, I downed the solution with a couple magnesium oxide caps and went to sleep.

Good news is, things finally worked. The magnesium oxide caps did what the epsom salts didn't.

This is literally a case of trusting my guts to know what they are doing and letting them do the work.

In some circles, our guts are known as our second brain. Many of the epithelial cells that line the gut are very similar to brain cells. Our immune system is run by our guts and lymph system. That doesn't even count the energetic system of chakras that run through our body, with two of the major ones directly in our guts.

Somehow I'm not surprised at the timing. One of the things I've been working with on the Paraliminal Accelerator is my self-confidence and taking my power back. Thinking back to the years I grew up and how many times I was damned for different things when I knew in my gut I was right. I quit trusting myself, gave my power up to others and tried to hide who I really am.

If I want to succeed, confidence and power are two things necessary. Trusting myself is one part of confidence and power. Trusting my gut to know how to do things even when things seem to be going terribly wrong.

Trusting that my gut knows better what my soul wants me to do than my brain or maybe even my heart.

Now there's a shift for you. What's your gut telling you?

Quick catchup

So, what have I been up to since Saturday?

Well, the tiredness continued on Sunday. I got two loads of laundry done, did my PT exercises, took a shower and nearly fell asleep waiting for when to leave for my platelet donation.

The platelet donation went almost perfectly this time. They found my veins right away, needles went in almost perfect, done in an hour. No bruises afterwards, so we're back on the right track.

Came home, curled up in the recliner and two hours went by without me noticing. Went to bed early, slept through the night. I woke up not tired for once. I'm attributing the tiredness to my body getting used to the PT and the now 3-15 minute walks a day I'm doing. I'm now also taking two floors of stairs up every morning. Cardio output is getting better.

PT continues. Had a different physical therapist Monday night. She does things the right way, staying with you as you do the exercise, instead of being off in the clouds like the other one. See what happens going forward, if I drop down to once a week I'll make sure I'm on her schedule.

Work is work. Still staring at Excel day in, day out. Another survey will go out soon, see what happens after that.

Been working through the Paraliminal Accelerator. I listen to a new one at night, then listen again during the day. I'm not concentrating on it during the day, moreso letting my non-conscious mind get what it needs to. Of course, it would be nice to hear what is coming out of my iPod, so I have a set of relatively cheap headphones on order, sent directly to work. I just need something that will semi-block out the boys around me, especially when they get loud.

That's where I'm at. It may be windy tomorrow, but I'll be on Chael. I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah...

I sometimes don't remember how physically and emotionally draining exposing myself can be.

Not many know the full story of my second suicide attempt, let alone my first at 13. When your mom laughs at you when you're trying to tell her about the first six years after it happened, I stopped telling my parents what was really going on in my life. I didn't tell mom about the second until three years later when I took her up to Lake Hattie for a week. Most of my family isn't aware of those incidents - they will be now.

What it comes down to is that in letting go of my excess weight, I need to let go of my past. That means telling people how things went down in my version of reality, and being brutally truthful about my perspective of living with my parents. Some won't know what to think, others will claim it was nothing like that, how could I lie about such good people? My reply: You didn't live with them, you didn't see and experience what was going on. What you believe and what I know are two different things. Besides, your opinion of me is none of my business.

---
Yes, I am tired. Busy morning, trying to get Chael ready to get his oil changed. Biggest hurdle was getting gas into his carbs so he could actually start. Once the fuel was flowing, he rolled right over like it was November 5, not five plus months later. We rolled down to the gas station, put in new fuel, filled the tires up to the correct pressure and headed for Fridley.

Took at bit to get his oil changed. Both service guys were a couple people deep when I got there about 10:30. A couple people were screamers about how past service issues had been handled, and a couple long winded people on the phone didn't help matters any, either. Finally got the bike in, and I sat and read while the work was done.

What would have been a $75 oil change I got for the price of a new oil filter, $13, and a new license plate holder, $18. Chael's plate is ripped on the right corner, and it's just easier to put a plate frame on it than fight with getting a new plate from the state. Next winter, I'll do that when I get his tabs.

Once out of there, we rolled down to Micro Center to get a free 2 gig USB drive, then came home. Had lunch, jumped in Taez and got groceries at both Cub and Fresh and Natural. Came home, put the food away, and have been ready to take a nap ever since.
---
Saw Dr. R last night instead of Dr. M. R was commenting on how my body has shifted shape, literally and figuratively. It's easier for him to tell what's going on with my muscles in my back. The PT exercises have made a difference back there, even as they cause more muscle aches. He found a couple interesting spots under my rib cage that had air pockets in them, and were crunchy. My feet are also really tipping outward, so I'm walking on the outside edge of my feet.

I'm on the right track. Having insurance pay for this helps a lot. It's under the guise of healing from an accident that I'm now seeing as no accident at all. I had asked for a way to help myself without too much out of pocket expenditure, and I got it. Next insurance check I'm getting a heart rate monitor for my walks, and maybe invest in the next version of PACE.
---
Tomorrow is another platelet donation. This one I am intending the phlebotomist does the needle sticks perfectly, that I donate 10.7 to the 11th platelets and that I'm done in under an hour.

Oh, Life, lyrics and all

As promised, the lyrics to 'Oh, Life (there must be more)'

Waves roll out
Out to sea
Tasting the saltwater
Tears upon her cheek

Morning breaks
She's not there
Who could ever find her?
Who would even care?

No one heard
No one came
No angel of mercy
Appears to know her name

Where is hope
When words fail
All the colours running
Inside when life turns pale

In the dock the boats are harboured
Where the water's cold and still
Oh life, she cries, I've lost the will

>from the bridge she sees a lifetime
Being washed upon the shore
Oh life, she cries
There must be more...

Tides roll in
Waters rise
Any chance of reason
Only clouds her eyes

Arms of grace
She won't feel
All the wounds inside her
That time can never heal

The city lights shine seaward
Swirling in a trance
Her eyes upon the water
Alone in her last dance

>from the docks the boats are leaving
As she cries into the dawn
"Oh life, i'm barely holding on"

And she sees her future falling
Till it finds the ocean floor
Oh life, she cries
There must be more

There must be more

And with the early light
She'll sail into the clear
The winds are all behind her
The hour's almost here

>from the bridge she hears the voices
Turn into a roar
Oh life she cries
There must be more

On the dock her soul is sinking
But her spirit longs to soar
Oh life, she cries
There must be more

There must be more
There must be more
Oh life I'm barely holding on

There must be more
There must be more
Oh life there must be something more
___
I don't remember much about the summer of 1998, other than this song and week after week of long hours. What I do remember is coming home the night of August 4 and just wanting to be done with all of it. I didn't think anyone would miss me, other than Raini and Shadow.

I was going to send out a final email to people I knew explaining why and saying goodbye. As things were set up, given the dial up connection I had at the time, as soon as I turned on my email the computer connected and downloaded my new email.

In that batch of emails was one from a young man named Andy. I worked with him at HD and had a pretty big crush on him. We'd gone back and forth with our friendship, because there were times when the boy drove me insane with his unwise choices. In this email he claimed that no matter what happened, he would always be my friend.

That email was the only thing that stopped me that night. It was enough to make me see what was going on, realize just how tired I was, and get the help I needed. I took some time off and drove out to Montana to stay at my brother's place at Nye to just rest and try to recover for a bit.

On the way there I stopped at Devil's Tower in Wyoming. Sitting at the base, watching climbers scaling the sides to get to the top 900 feet up, gave me a different perspective. Instead of being at the bottom of a hole, I was climbing my way up Devil's Tower. There were rope anchors already there, with people both above and below me ready to give me a hand up so I could keep climbing. And even in the darkest night, there are always stars.

When I got back, we shifted my hours so I only worked until 8 pm. That allowed me to sleep and begin to put myself back together. Two years of psychotherapy, Wellbutrin, and another year or two of coaching after my therapist quit set me on the path to where I am now.

Is life perfect, now? Hell no. I'm struggling financially like a lot of others are. My contract has been extended until October, which is no guarantee, but things are looking OK. When I work up the courage to actually go put up the flyers for The Write Support to start my resume writing business, that will be some additional income to help pay for everything I want to do.

So where is Andy now? I don't know. Like a lot of others, I booted him out of my life around the end of 2006. Yes, I could be very needy, which brought out his abusive dark side. I finally gathered the courage to call him on it because I'd had it being his friend at his convenience. I haven't heard from him since.

He played the part he was supposed to in my life. Reason, season or a lifetime. There are very few that are in my world for a lifetime, a few for a season, or a few years. The rest are a gift of the present moment and gone.

Moral of the story? We all get so caught up in our day to day lives that we forget there are others out there we haven't touched or talked to in a while. Reach out, even if it's just to smile at a stranger. You never know what a difference you could make in that person's life.

Oh, Life

Not gonna get to it tonight. Didn't remember that Thursday nights my boss and I have a conference call with Asia Pacific at 8 pm, so that shoots me writing out a long explanation of why 'Oh, Life' got to me this morning. Leave it for now that the song, heard only once on the radio and shortly thereafter acquired the CD, perfectly described how I was feeling the summer of 1998 in the lead up to my second suicide attempt.

For those of you that know me, know it wasn't your fault you didn't see what was going on. I kept going like there was nothing wrong, but I was dying inside. Long hours, from starting work at 6 am until 10 pm with maybe 4 hours of sleep a night will drive anyone to that point. Add in mucked up brain chemistry and all the crap that was going on, and it's a wonder I'm still here at all.

Meanwhile, I'm prepping for a Live Meeting. Joy. Actually, it is.
Given the medical giant I work for, we not only have a VPN, or virtual private network, we have security tags with codes that change once a minute that also have to be entered before we can even get to the VPN. Normally contractors don't get to have the security tags. My boss didn't hesitate when I mentioned it today. In fact, she went to the person that hands them out and stood over her until she got the tag and instructions for me.

That says a lot, to me. She likes me, she likes what I'm doing. We think a lot alike, including using mind maps to plot things out. It's just a world of difference from the last job. This is a job I'd like to keep. With the reorganization that's coming up by the end of the first quarter (next Friday is the end of the fiscal year), lots of things could be changing.

Now I just need to get the flyers up for The Write Support. I suspect a lot of people will be needing my services.

Hmm...

Not much going on in this corner of the world. Go to work, come home, do PT, go to bed early.

The exhaustion from last week continues. I was fine over the weekend when I could sleep in. Monday night I didn't sleep well at all and it showed Tuesday. Went to bed early that night, I was OK yesterday. Today I have PT at 9 am, so I'm working from home for an hour before I go to PT, then head for work.

It feels strange, to be sitting here at 7:30 on a Thursday morning. Usually I'm within a couple miles of work by now.

Perhaps more tonight. I woke up to the song "Oh, Life" by the Alan Parsons Project when the alarm went off this morning. Go look up the lyrics, and if I feel up to it tonight, I'll explain why that song was in my head.

A bit of this, a bit of that

Oddball day.

I've cleaned up my email inbox, from 1600 emails down to 300 or so. I've read through the Paraliminal Accelerator guide, written up my first goal, and loaded the extra coaching sessions onto my iPod. I've come up with a couple variations on flyers to put up at work to generate business for The Write Support. I cleaned Chael's windshield - the cleaner worked great. I cleaned Taez's windshied inside and out, along with the mirrors and back window. I partially swept out the garage and put floor dry down where Taez has leaked power steering fluid. I made a pan of lasagne (which I've been craving for a while) for lunch this week. Hauled garbage and washed dishes. Made hot chocolate mix for work and packed it along with the lemon juice and granola bars.

When I look at the list, I've actually gotten a lot done today. One more thing to do - Photoread a book before bed.

Here's the unusual part. I feel like I have hope again. Just sitting down and writing out my goal for The Write Support seems to have opened up some stuff. I have a list going of all the things I'd like to do with the extra income - it's 40 items long and growing. Most is stuff I'd like to change about the condo, like new carpet, new room and closet doors, new appliances, new cookware, new furniture, new woodwork, gut and re-do the bathroom, work on the patio and back yard. These things are within my grasp.

There's another project brewing as well. I put it out there, the Universe will take it from there.

Now if I could just convince the Universe that giving Shadow a long lasting case of laryngitis would be a great thing...

Some days...

...it's worth crawling out of bed.

I went to the bike maintenance seminar this morning. Not what I expected, that's for sure.

Why? Well, I got a free oil change out of attending, plus a 15% discount on any accessory I purchased. I have to buy a Honda oil filter for the bike, and get him up to Fridley, but the rest is free. That means I don't have to freak out about checking the bike over myself this spring.

After I Photoread the manual last night, I was flipping out about doing the maintenance. I was scared to do anything, because my life is on the line if I screw up. This is one of those times I'd rather leave it to people who do this for a living because they love it so much. Pay people for their passion.

Or in my case, just pay for the filter. I can deal with that.

As for the 15% discount? I bought some windshield cleaner that will work for both the bike and my helmet. Oh, and a new jacket, too.

I've been looking at getting a new jacket for a couple years. It's not that there's a whole lot wrong with my old jacket, but just enough that it makes it a pain to wear when I ride. The jacket I bought was half of what the other jackets I'd been looking at - $170 vs $350. Take another 15% off, and that did the trick.

This jacket is longer, gathered at the waist instead of the bottom. My old jacket rode up because of the elastic, this one won't because it's a straight bottom. Plenty of pockets inside and out, and even pockets in the liner. It has shoulder and elbow pads, along with armor in the back to protect my spine. It's black and grey, so while it doesn't match my bike, at least it doesn't clash, and my silver helmet works fine with it.

I like the Fridley Hitching Post. The manager, Jeff, seems like a decent guy, and they actually have a woman on staff. I suspect, despite their lack of Honda stuff (only Kawasaki, Yamaha and Suzuki at that location) I'll for sure go back there for service. Doesn't hurt they are right on the way to and from work.

Other than that, bought groceries on the way home and have done four loads of laundry. Four loads is what happens when you miss a weekend of washing.

I made a commitment to myself after college graduation that I would have two weeks worth of work clothes, in case something ever happened that I couldn't get to the laundry, like traveling or a weekend with no time at home - like last weekend. It was interesting trying to figure out what to wear with what I had, but I got through. I still have stuff left to wear, so I could go three weeks if I had to, but I'd either be looking pretty shabby or be wearing my suits. No thanks.

Now I need to work on Taez. I was doing some digging on the web last night and found his high pressure power steering line for $43, instead of the $111 the dealership wants. Now I need to email the guy that advertised on LJ as being available and see when he can come and do it. Get the part and quit dumping power steering fluid all over the place. See how much he'd charge me to do the U joint, too.

Windows need cleaning, on the bike, the truck and the house. Lovely spring cleaning.

Fit to print?

Not in my current state of mind. Or not-mind, depending.

I am exhausted. I am physically worn out and emotionally ready to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Not sure what's driving me this direction. Is it the physical therapy, making body parts move that haven't in a long time and have old stuff stuck in them? Is it the weight loss dredging stuff out of my fat cells and trying to slow me down? Am I sitting in the wrong direction at work, since the exhaustion started this week? Or did Photoreading take so much out of me that I didn't have time to recover from?

It's even shown up in my Gruve. I've missed green every day but Wednesday since Saturday. A couple days it was only by 20-50 calories. Because Muve hasn't finished the Mac application yet, I have no way of knowing how close I am to hitting green.

In whatever the cause may be, a couple nights of good sleep should help. I intend the cats to be quiet and peaceful the next three nights, so I can recover and still get all the stuff I need to do done.

The only thing planned for tomorrow is a bike maintenance class. It's being held at the Fridley Hitching Post, so I can learn how to change Chael's oil and filter and get him ready for summer myself. I'm not willing to pay $80 if I can do it myself for a whole lot less.
Thinking of which, I need to find his maintenance manual and Photoread that tonight. I can use the class tomorrow as an activation. Photoflipping the other books I've got on motorcycle riding would be good, too. Get my head back in the riding mindset. Put the head on swivel, senses on high, watch out for the idiots out there and go.
Riding Chael to and from work will save on the gas, too. At current prices, it's $6-7 to fill his tank to go 130-140 miles. To do that in Taez would take at least $20 in gas. I'm looking forward to filling up Taez once every 2-3 weeks and Chael every 3-4 days.

P called me tonight while I was waiting for Dr. M to get to me. In her aurvaydic(?sp?) class, her teacher spoke on how she overcame her loneliness while learning. She massaged herself with oil before taking a shower. The idea behind it is that being touched all over, even if by your own hands, stimulates the body into not feeling so alone and touch deprived.

For me, I like being alone. I get enough of people at work every day. There are days I wonder how I would adjust to having someone in my life full time, because I've been alone for 21 years. Now, if there had been someone in my life for any length of time, then I can see where the touch deprivation would be a huge thing and need replacing.
Maybe I'm denying something I'm not aware of needing. Something to contemplate in my dreams and meditation.

More tomorrow between naps and such.

Ramblin' thoughts

Where to start? Mind is kind of scattered tonight.

PT continues. Should have bounced for a while to warm up before I started trying to stretch and do my exercises. The physical therapist added some exercises to the five I started with last week, all aimed at getting my core to stabilize on it's own. Easier said than done when you've had 40 years of other muscle groups assisting that don't know how not to help. I made the commitment to change, have to figure out how to disengage what doesn't need to move.
I'm stiff and sore and can't sit for more than an hour before I have to get up and move. I'm trying to remember, beyond the malic acid I'm already taking, what can help sore mucles. Have to go digging through all my books to find that. Perhaps, while I'm at it, I should Photoread them so I have this info at hand next time, hmm?

Waiting for a couple of things to show up in delivery. One is the Paraliminal Accelerator I ordered while I was in class this weekend. I have the 22 CD set of paraliminals already, this is a way to combine them and make them really useful. I've already paid for them, might as well make the best use of them.
The other is to help with my low functioning thyroid. That particular issue runs on Dad's side of the family. I've been tested for it conventionally several times, but since it wasn't low enough in their esteemed eyes nothing happened. Since I happen to be an adult and can make my own decisions about what goes into my body, I've ordered an iodine supplement with sea kelp and roasted sponge to kick things into high gear.

Other than that, life and work continue as usual.

More later if there's anything fit to print.

Photoreading

So, I've now completed the Paul Scheele version of Photoreading. Twas an interesting weekend, given that there were 70 some people in the class. There were people from France, Romania, Albania, Norway and a few other far flung locales, and a couple of us here from the cities as well.

What new did I learn that I didn't already know from the first Photoreading class I took in 2006? Well... I got the names of the books used this time. I found out the name of the EduK book, so I can get my hands on that. Had several interesting discussions with random people about things.

I reinforced the activation steps, along with the preview and postview. I better understand how to do the whole Photoreading process, which was one of my goals for the weekend.

And I'm also sensing I may want to become a Photoreading instructor someday. At the very least I would love to teach this to the five oldest kids in my created family. The oldest just turned 16, the youngest would be 11. This summer would be a perfect time to teach them the basics of Photoreading so they can use it in class this fall.

I'm thinking this because we had a 9 year old and a 13 year old in the class this weekend. Think about how they will be able to apply it to their school work yet this year, let alone throughout the rest of their lives.

Can't stress this enough: If you haven't taken Photoreading, you need to take it. If you have any amount of reading sitting in a backlog on your desk, or a ton of information you need for your business, you need to learn to Photoread. If you have taken the course, get on the list to come and take it from Paul himself next spring. Each instructor teaches it different, hearing it from one of the co-creators is something to treasure.

I'm going to let the class incubate over night and fill you in more tomorrow night, between catching up on all the stuff that didn't get done this weekend...

Just tired

I'm not brain fried, just simply tired. The last 24 hours has been packed.

After I got out of work last night I went to see my massage therapist. She found a pair of lovely knots by the bottom of my shoulder blades and worked on them and my neck. That's the last time I'll see for a while, because this morning at 7 am I started physical therapy.

We're starting with core stabalization exercises that I need to do nightly. Interestingly enough, my jaw clenching is related to my issues with breathing while I'm walking - the neck muscles are getting pulled in to help me breathe and causing problems. I've almost bitten through the first mouthguard I bought, so I need to get another one.

Then I went to see Dr. M tonight. He took it easy on me because the work my massage therapist did last night left me in pain most of today. The knot on the left shoulder blade had pain crawling up the erector spinatus muscles, so even walking was painful.

I'm tired just from dealing with the pain. And pain in one place wakes up pain in other places. Bah.

Add to that a failed attempt to donate platelets Monday night, and things are just lovely.

This weekend ought to be interesting, given the Photoreading class. Tomorrow night from 6-9, Saturday from 9-7 and Sunday from 9-6. I've been to one of Paul's retreats before, and they are INTENSE. I'm expecting this class will be no different.

So, if you don't hear from me until Sunday, you know I'm up to my eyeballs in books.