Bummer

I should have suspected something was up when Jones clan kids didn't remember to ask off for this weekend. And when their projector went kaput.

Whomever runs the party room rentals for my building either never got my check or completely blew off my reservation, because no one got a hold of me to get me the party room key. So I've called several places to see if I could find someone to get me in, no joy.

Then Jones clan called, they started out for the cities. Hwy 7 was crap, so they turned around and went home.

No holiday party. I was so looking forward to this. Spent $95 to rent a projector that now won't even come out of it's case. I was going to get new pix of the kids and family. Bah flippin' humbug.

Trying to reschedule is going to be a treat. G has Knowledge Bowl and speech tournaments most Saturdays right through my birthday, so Sundays are still an option. Question is when. Try it again, see what happens.

At least I got to see Dominik clan Christmas night for supper, and I'm going out to see Jones clan to sew cloaks on Thursday, so not a total loss.

So, I suppose, back to work. More like actually get the work I was supposed to be doing done.

Happy eve of Xmas Eve

Normally I'd say bah humbug right about here. Not feeling it quite so bad this year. Blame it on me being in lust.

Work continues to be a merry go round in things not getting done on time. I had to chew out both the packager and the SCCM boys today because they weren't playing well together. Since they are so much alike, they tend to point fingers at each other when something goes wrong. Shadow effect in full force between those two.

I made it very clear this morning when I sent out a meeting notice that no finger pointing was allowed and that I wanted answers and fixes. To say I was peeved at them is an understatement.

Anyway, meeting went better than I hoped. I've just got a lot to learn about how software is packaged, moved to SMS, then converted to SCCM. This is a side of PC's I never wanted to know. In doing software asset management, guess I'm going to have to learn. Pffftttt.

I'm looking forward to Sunday. Jones and Dominik clans are descending on my party room for the second annual DoJoKo holiday party. Dig out the Wii, put a 5 pound roast in the roaster, get some veggies and chips and dig in. It was a lot of fun last year, and will be even more interesting this year. Add in two exchange students, a boyfriend and his parents... it's gonna be a full house. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Meanwhile, a huge snow storm is headed to Minnesota. I'm hearing forecasts of anywhere from 7" to 20"+ of snow. It started sleeting around 2 when I was out and about and is supposed to snow all the way through until Saturday sometime.
As long as it doesn't top the Halloween Storm of '91's 30"+ we'll be fine. At least it will be in the upper 20's, not sub-zero.

My holiday plans? Work, other than a run to the grocery store tomorrow and a platelet donation Saturday. And the party Sunday.

Hope y'all have a good holiday. I'll post some pix of the party on Sunday or Monday.

gettin' stuff done

It's not even 1 pm and I've gotten a lot of stuff done today.
1. Washed three loads of clothes
2. Washed three loads of dishes
3. Made both regular and keifer yogurt, which are in the Nesco roaster
4. Washed out the microwave and various parts
5. Washed off the top of the stove, took the burners apart and cleaned them

I haven't stopped moving until I sat down to write this. Feels good to get some stuff done.

Might also help that I've listened to my "Get Around To It" paraliminal both yesterday and today. I listened to a couple others as well, and will again today. I've got them, might as well make use of them to help me help myself.

The cleaning bug is in part due to the fact I gave someone a copy of The Celestine Prophecy. His teenage daughter will present him with his first grandchild sometime in March. What he doesn't know, yet, is that child is a Crystal child and is going to come out asking questions. He's the closest in the family to waking up. I wasn't going to interfere until the book fell off the shelf into my hands twice, then the third time hit me on the head when I was sitting below it. Every time it fell out I thought of him. When it hit me on the head, I said OK, Universe, I get it, he needs this book. He finally walked by my desk this week so I gave it to him.

Once he reads it, he's going to have questions. I want to be able to bring him here so if he goes ballistic on learning how I know what I know, he has the space and privacy to do so. If I have control of the space, I can influence the outcome. Home turf advantage, shall we say.

In preparation for that, I re-read for the umpteenth time my copy of Celestine. There were several things I needed to be reminded of as well, things I need to work on myself. I'll work through the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Insights as well.

In a way, after my hate letters, Celestine is a good place to start over again. Remind me of what I already knew and hadn't looked at in a while. Get me back on the path again, the beginner's mind.
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My kids are growing up. Granted, I didn't have the fun of making them or raising them, but they are the closest thing I have to bearing my own.

G was down earlier this week for a teacher's conference, so I met up with her. Thing 2 told her she wanted a coat like I have. G mentioned it to me, and I said yes, I'd be willing to make her a winter coat like I have that is based on the Jedi cloak.

Thing 2 then told Things 1 & 3 that I was making a cloak for her, so now they decided they want cloaks, too. I suspected that might happen. So when they come down for Christmas, we'll head for SR Harris to buy the fleece and nylon fabric for the cloaks, the buttons, thread and cord to match. The following weekend I'll head out and sew like crazy for three days to put them together.

Thankfully it's a really basic pattern with only three parts. The hardest part is that the main body and sleeve of each side are cut out of one piece - depending on how tall the person is, that piece will be between 9-12 feet long. The only seams are at the sides and back - no shoulder seams. I don't have the room to lay out anything that long or wide. Jones clan, however, has a dining room and living room where we can lay out something that long on the floor and cut it out. Then it's sewing the back and under arm seams together, adding the hood, and sewing the fleece side and the nylon sides together and sewing the bottom closed.

Then I get an email from G. One of the two oldest evidently has a boyfriend here in the Cities. She's already asked Mom and Dad if he could come visit for New Years. The trick is if I will transport said boyfriend from the Cities out to their place.
I have no problems doing that. However, to keep everything kosher and safe, I told G that I want both her and at least one of his parents in on the email chain back and forth as we make arrangements. Then his parents know how to get a hold of me if something should come up, they know I'm legitimate, etc. Can't be too safe these days, and I'd rather be up front so his parents know who I am.

So, we shall see how this works out. My babies are growing up.

The fun begins

Not.

Since the communications and the EUA's started on Monday, I have not had time to think while I've been at work. I've come home with a headache every night because I'm concentrating so hard.

This is one of those top of my head blown off headaches. Not sure if I'm not getting enough carbs to keep up with what my brain needs for glucose, or if my crown chakra had just decided to blow open.

Either way, brain fried.

Then there's the Minnesota weather to deal with. We got our first snowstorm of the season. Ugh. I can deal with the snow, it's the cold I'm not fond of. Nor the wind.

At least the drivers I was moving along with at 30-40 mph were well behaved. On the news they said between last night and 1 pm today there were 669 accidents, three deaths and 300+ simple in the ditches. That's just here in the Cities, I think. South by Rochester they got a foot or more of snow.

Sorry I'm not more talkative. I'm too tired. See if I can get some energy this weekend.

Almost a year

It's been almost a year I've been working on this software licensing project. This year has gone by quickly, and in some respects its hard to believe it's taken this long to get to the point where we can start communicating and removing software.

We overhauled the EUA, so it's simple for the end user. The communications have been overhauled for the umpteenth time. The Visio Viewer is in progress of being advertised to the whole company. It's a mad dash to Tuesday when everything goes live.

Fifty-one weeks to get to this point. I didn't think it would take this long. When you don't have an idea of what you're doing, it's an uphill learning curve. The next one will be easier, because we've already done it once. The third will be a refinement of the process, going faster and easier.

So, we'll see what happens as the communications go out. See how many howl, how many come up with licenses, how many don't notice what's going on until their software goes missing.
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The Monday night before Thanksgiving I finally got an appointment with the animal communicator. What should have been a reading on Shadow ended up being commentary on me.

Turns out I'm not the only one with a cat that howls at all hours of the day and night. J did some asking and got back that the howls are in fact the cat's way of 'toning' to help us humans move out negative energy.

I do admit, I was stuck in a pretty bad rut. Most of my 'stories' were negative, angry rants at my parents, my ex-boyfriend from 22 years ago, my half siblings, etc. She called me on it, asked me to write a letter to each person finally voicing all the things I've not been able to tell them. Get it all out on paper, she said, before it eats you alive.

Then I remembered Louise Hay and her story about her vaginal cancer. Cancer is the anger literally eating away at you. Mom died from her cancer, her anger at her life gone wrong.

So I wrote some very hate-full letters. I cried tears that burned my eyes. My throat didn't want to work. As the week went on and I wrote more letters, my runny nose turned into sinus infection that went into my lungs. She told me to burn the letters the night before the full moon - Tuesday night.

When I'd written all I could, I burned the letters Tuesday night. I forgave myself for choosing this family. I forgave my parents yet again for their addictions and their lack of care. I forgave my siblings for not being there when I needed them. I forgave the ex-boyfriend for his transgressions.

I'm catching myself earlier when I start down a path. I clear myself with a vortex of divine white light before I come into the house at night, and before I go to sleep. I clean Shadow with another white light vortex, so she doesn't have to tone at night. I call in the archangels to clean the house and the whole floor of the building I work in of any negative energies, negative entities, negative thoughts or thought patterns.

I can tell a difference when I walk on to the floor. It feels lighter, better. There seems to be a bit more harmony in the department. Time will tell.

This week

What have I been up to this week?

It's been a tough week for most people, I believe. How am I coming to that conclusion? Couple things come to mind. Shadow has been up and hollering at 3 am most every morning except today. I almost threw her against the wall on Friday morning because she just would not shut up.

With her being up, that meant I was up, which equals me being tired and crabby. Not a good combo for me.

Work... ugh. The EUA finally got finished, only to have it turn out to be a disaster. I didn't know it had gone live until someone from the Support Center got a hold of me. It was ugly, people didn't understand it, and the woman who created it never cleared it with me before it went live. The she said she couldn't change it. Our communications person went to the project manager for the new system to see if there was anything he could do. We sat down with that team for a half hour and banged out some changes and got the EUA taken out of production. The systems team is going to make some back end changes that will make it easier for the general public to do the EUA and won't stress the Support Center.

Then I get a service request about putting Visio on Citrix boxes. That is just a bad idea with an audit waiting to happen. I find out someone already approved putting Project out on Citrix without approval. The guy running the Citrix boxes told me his group isn't the licensing police. I shot back that I am the licensing police for ALL platforms and I'm not about to let Visio on a Citrix box until I have the full details of what's already out there with Project. That got me some cooperation, but my boss and I still need to sit down and figure out how to deal with it.

Given how things are going, I'm going in to work next Friday. The building is open and I should have the entire floor to myself. I can listen to music without headphones, I won't have to put up with the boys and their bickering, and I should be able to get some work done. Some of the stuff I want to do has to be done in the office - the VPN is way too slow.

On the personal front, other than being bone weary tired and crabby, I've had a few aha's. After my peer-to-peer coaching last week, I realized how many values I have that are conflicting. The scope of those value conflicts clarified during meditation this morning.

The values conflicts group into four main areas: finances, time management, love and food. They also sub-group, in that finances are dependent on time management, and food is dependent on love. The majority of the issues I'm dealing with fall under those four categories or the sub-groups.

I'm thinking I want to mind map each area. Plot out what my self talk is about the various areas, see if I can find the conflicts so they can be resolved. I suspect if I put the four of them together there will be areas of overlap that may point to a central issue. Deal with the central issue, pull the pin on it, it goes away and the rest falls into place.

I'll putz with that tomorrow between doing some syntopic PhotoReading and doing the rest of the usual weekend chores.

I'm looking forward to sleeping in for four days in a row. I need the break. Even with working from home on Thanksgiving - I'm on my own this year - and going in on Friday, it's a break. No real schedule to deal with.

That's my week in a nutshell.

I had all these great ideas...

And now I'm not remembering them. Go figure.

Where to start? Work. EUA still isn't up and running. The gal finally got to starting it this week, but it won't be tested and actually up and running until sometime next week. The director and finance manager know the reason why it's not ready yet, so they can't yell at me.

Had an incident with one of the boys on Wednesday. Tuesday morning he and a female coworker were talking about some of the inappropriate emails his uncle and father in law sent to his work email. One of the things he said horrified me and left me wondering if he has the balls to say that knowing I'm not 10 feet away, what is saying behind my back?

I stewed on it for a day, then made up my mind to confront him on it. I told my boss about my idea of peer to peer coaching, and she said go for it. I figured she didn't need the details, just that I was doing it.

I emailed him that we needed to have a private conversation. He got back to me asking for a specific time, which was fine with me. He actually cut a meeting short by a half hour to get to me sooner.

On the way to finding a room, I told him I saw him as a wet behind the ears puppy, because he's just turning 28, either last Sunday or tomorrow. Once in there, I told him it was his conversation Tuesday morning that had me concerned. He apologized several times, stating that he didn't remember what he said but that he felt bad for making inappropriate comments. I told him about situational awareness, being aware of who's around you and thinking about what you say before you say it. I also told him about the shadow effect and made it a point to use several of his Republican heroes and how they have fallen as examples.

We ended up talking for an hour about several different subjects. He wants to be a leader on the team, to some day be a manager like our boss is. I told him about my leadership experience and that I would be willing to share some different things with him to help him along. I also told him about my empathic and healing talents, along with the coaching, and that looking at the therapeutic coaching program would help him.

It was an interesting conversation, and I think I got through to him. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he talked about it with his wife. I can just imagine what he's said to the rest of the boys.

Friday I was at the Women Venture conference. The first break out session of the day was good - Robert Stephens, the founder of Geek Squad. He talked about how he uses Twitter and other social media to keep in contact with his ever growing team. There were several other things he said that I think I can use with the boys.

The second session I should have skipped and gone to something more interesting. Lunch, however, brought things back on track. The main speaker was Marilyn Carlson Nelson, former CEO and current board chair of Carlson Companies (think Radisson, TGI Friday's, Country Inns and Suites, etc). She had a lot of good things to say, along with some statistics that hit home. She also did a bit of a round table with Sen. Amy Klobuchar and Gloria Perez, CEO of the Jerimiah Project.

Since I got out early, I did a bit of shopping on the way home. I've needed new jeans for a while, so I stopped at the store where I've gotten the best fit - ie the inseam is the right length. The store has gone to shaped jeans, based on if you're boxy, curvy or in between. I qualify as curvy, so I started with a pair of what I thought would fit. Get into the dressing room, get them on. They are TOO big. OK, so I go back out to find the next size down, none on the shelf. Clerk says try the next size down, if they are too tight we can order the next size up.

So I go try on what I think is going to be too small. Pull them on - they fit. Perfectly. O. M. G! That's two pants sizes down from what I have been wearing. So, do I chalk it up to actually being smaller, or do I chalk it up to being in a differently fitted jean? Split the difference, I'm still down two sizes.

While I was there I also spotted a burgandy shirt. The red hued shirts I do have are starting to wear out - the polo has holes in the sleeve ribbing, the sweater has a couple snags in it, and the chamois shirt is for winter only. This one is a good color on me - bright or fire engine red makes me look like a huge zit. This color I can wear.

To make it a good shopping trip, the store even had a 30% off sale going on. What should have been over $120 I got for $89.

And while I was out, I also got passport photos taken. My passport expired in March, just have not made time to get it renewed. Now that I have the photos, just gotta spend the $75 to get it done. Never know when I might need to pick up and get out of Dodge.

A good weekend

Well, I've gotten a few things done this weekend. Thanks to P being up in Forest Lake yesterday, I was able to run Chael up to where I wanted to store him and get a ride home. With Chael safely tucked away for the winter, today I got the rest of the garage cleaned up so I could get Taez in.

Here's the before:



Here's the after:



I hauled out two contractor garbage bags full of junk. It's amazing what piles up in almost 13 years of being in the same space.

Now Taezen is parked in the garage. There's space for me to get out of my door, there's plenty of room for the other guy to get in and out of his car, and his passenger can get out as well. I marked the drywall so I know how far in to go - when the outside rearview mirror is even with the mark, there's a foot of space in front and about a foot between the trailer hitch and the garage door. I also marked the front middle of the space, so I know about where to aim Taez's nose.

Ahh, no more scraping windows or trying to get the inside of the windshield to defrost.

While I was at it, I also fixed the door. For the last couple years it's been really hard to shut the inside garage door. I took a good look at it today and figured out why - some dumbass moved the strike plate in a quarter of an inch. Since I know how to use tools so well, I pulled out the screws, re-drilled the holes and moved the plate back to where it should be. Now it will be easy to close the door.

Of course, no good deed goes unpunished. In putting stuff back together, my back has reminded me that it's been pulled. A couple weeks ago in kettlebells my back started hurting really bad - enough that I was crying. Not that I let the instructor see that... So when I saw Dr. R Thursday night, I asked. I've pulled the muscles that run right along side the spine. Moving things around partially un-did what I had accomplished since Thursday.

Now I need to order some Bio-Freeze and use that before kettlebells to help keep my back loose so I don't injure it any further. I need to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else.

TGIF

This has been a better day than most. There was some brain bending work trying to get the MSDN subscriptions to match up with the Visio licensing. Found out the EUA process won't be worked on until Monday, which pushes everything back until late next week. Other people aren't responding to email requests for assistance to do an end run around a stick in the mud.

The drive in was interesting. One of the radio stations is sponsoring the Kiss concert tomorrow night, so Gene Simmons was on. One song in particular got my attention: God gave us rock 'n roll. It almost came off as a gospel version of Kiss, which is just such a contradiction. Didn't hear my song before I got out of Taez, darn. A couple of them did stick in my head most of the day.

Not much for plans for the weekend. I need to get Chael into storage so I can put the garage back together so Taez can go in the garage. Thankfully P is going up to Forest Lake to see some friends tomorrow afternoon. I can run Chael up to the Fridley Hitching Post and store him there. She can pick me up on the way back. Works well. Come next spring I can hit up one of my team mates to pick me up on their way in to work and I can ride Chael home.

My contract was extended. For now it's to the end of the year. My boss and I were talking about it today. She wants to hire me. It has to happen some time in the next year, as the company has a two year contract limit, then you need to take 60 days off before you can come back again.
She believes that what I've been doing so far has proven they can't do it without me. She has a meeting next week with the director, the other manager and the HR dude to talk about what things are going to look like personnel wise. She needs to start planning for budgets now, as the fiscal year is late April, not calendar year.

That would be way cool to be hired on as IT asset management. That pays much better than an admin does. And given all the things I'm getting my fingers into... Active Directory group management, secure AD group, actually getting in there and messing with structure... I should probably ask the guys if they have any books I can Photoread so I don't mess things up.

Now I'm just waiting for G to get back so we can discuss holiday plans and get D clan involved as well.

where'd October go?

Time seems to be moving faster the older I get. Wasn't yesterday September?

Where am I at, what am I up to? Well, still playing with the shadow work. I finally sat down yesterday between doing laundry and making yogurt and watched The Shadow Effect. It's a good documentary on the current state of affairs from both a personal and world perspective.

The second disc was what I was really after. The second disc is all of what's on the first. The bonus is that she stops at different places and asks some pretty thought provoking questions. I'm not all the way through the second disc yet, it takes some time to think about what she's asking and writing it all down.

A couple places made me cry. The one that physically hurt the worst was the forgiveness section. My eyes were fine before and after I cried, but during that segment my tears hurt my eyes. Leaves me wondering how toxic those tears were, given how I reacted and how bad they hurt.

My buttons have been pushed a lot in the last two weeks. We're getting closer to removing Project and Visio and are still hammering things out as we go. One of the issues has been getting me a specific bucket set up for software licensing. One gal is holding up the process, really defending her territory. In doing so she's managed to push my buttons on anger, fear and a couple others. I've had to do other things in order to give my mind a break, then go back to figuring out what was causing those buttons to react. Once I figured it out, I could do the things she needed done so her territory would be kept safe.

I sat down with P a couple weeks ago to figure some things out. The story kept circling around until the noose was set and either I said it or else. The good part is, I don't remember much of what I said, other than doing a conversion of the steel suit of armor to the super spider silk that can stop 4 mm rounds. Trade the weight that doesn't do much for me for something more fitting and flexible and can still protect me.

Then, of course, I get woke up with nightmares of my voice being ripped out of my throat. In the dream someone put a black bag over my head, so I tried to scream. Nothing came out. In the back of my head I heard something about light, so I cranked up the inner light in my belly and expanded that to drive back the darkness. That was a sure sign the house shields needed to be reinforced/replaced.

Time change still has both Shadow and I out of whack. Shad wanted breakfast at 4:30 this morning and would not shut up about it. I held her off until 5. We'll have to work towards 5:30 breakfast for her, only in four months we'll be back to this schedule. Bah.

So, that's what I've been up to. Crochet a bit. Read through the latest Kris Longknife book, twice. Read another book in another series. Figure out what's going on in my head and body. That's enough to keep me busy and out of trouble.

Shadow work

I've been off doing some more shadow work. It's actually kind of fun, making a list of all the things I hate or dislike about other people, knowing full well that what I don't like in them is what I don't like in myself.

It's been kind of freeing, actually. Like this morning during our team meeting, I took a broadside potshot at the guy who needs to pull together three SCCM reports for me. I sent the service request to him August 26, he finally accepted it September 8, and now here it is October 19 and he's just now starting work on it after the potshot during the meeting today.

I have cut him some slack the last two weeks because A) his wife had two discs in her neck removed and three vertebrae fused, so he had to work from home for 10 days, and then B) his pregnant daughter caught H1N1 and ended up airlifted to a hospital downtown because she ended up with severe pnumonia, couldn't keep anything down, etc.

The fact remains is that he's had several weeks to work on this and has not. I needed those reports two weeks ago, he put them off, he's fair game for the potshot. I worded it like, 'We're about ready to rip Project and Visio off system, but I'm waiting on SMS and SCCM reports because I'm working with months old data.' He got the public hint and sent me an email that he would be working on it after he got his daughter home from the hospital today and would have at least one to me by EOD tomorrow.

The other thing that has made this fun is that my boss is buying into this. She asked me to come up with a presentation about shadow work, both from the perspective of the guys not knowing I do this, and to get them to own up to the incessant whining, backstabbing, etc that goes on with this bunch.

I have the presentation plotted out in a mind map - I had time today since I was waiting on the reports. I've got some music in mind, a video clip from Torchwood: Children of Earth I'd like to use, the structure, the blindside, etc. The boys aren't going to know what hit them.
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Got some work done in the garage this weekend. The board has decided now to have some new sheetrock put in the garages. That means that everything has to be pulled off the walls, piled in the middle, the crew puts in the new rock, then I get to put my stuff back up on the walls. Grrrr. So I'll have to haul garbage out and get stuff down on Saturday so I can neatly pile it up in the middle.

That also means I need to find a place for Chael sooner rather than later. I rode today for the first time in three weeks. He didn't want to start - gas had evaporated from the carbs. He finally started, didn't sound quite right. Find a place to store him and go from there.
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Kitchen Window has their annual knife event this coming weekend. They are giving 10-60% off knives, plus three blades sharpened for free, Japanese blades are $3 instead of $10. I want to get a Shun 5" utility knife, so I don't have to haul out the 8" chef's knife all the time. The 8" is a bit unwieldy when trying to trim up chicken thighs of the fat and skin before I bake them. Even 10% off will bring it down to about $125 for the blade. Worth it in my eyes for a wicked sharp blade.

Things to contemplate

Head's been busy with all sorts of stuff running through it.

Went to see Dr. R last week for my monthly visit. My neck was stiff and unyielding, and several other things just weren't right. I asked him what was causing me to be so damn inflexible. His reply? My shadow side is surfacing, and I need to delve into it. He recommended a look at The Shadow Effect and Anger Resources book Embracing the Dark Side: Learning to Recognize and Handle the Anger Within and Around You. I ordered the DVD set, still thinking about the workbook. I have Ford's The Dark Side of the Light Chasers already, so I'm re-reading that.

Dr. R told me that a lot of what I'm dealing with is other people pushing my boundaries. They are reflecting back to me the things I don't like in myself. Instead of stuffing them away and ignoring them, I need to look at them head on and deal with them within myself.

We're heading into winter, a time where a lot of people won't be able to keep running from themselves. They will find themselves inside doing stupid or destructive stuff because they aren't willing to go inside and face their own shadows. What are you most afraid of? What do you keep denying? How are you not what you hate?

So I've started with what I already have, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I'd read through it before, but now it has even more relevance. A couple weeks ago I started purposefully draining my anger, hate, disgust, fear, resentment, etc during my meditations. I connected my roots not to the center of the earth, but to the Canadian oil sands that are north of here. Where better to send the oily sludge that is the lower vibration emotions than to oil sands where they can be made use of?

Draining myself of the anger, hate and resentment had an almost immediate impact on my thinking. I didn't get so caught up in my own little revenge stories that would run through my head. It was easier to stop them if they did try to start. Moved my energy in a different direction, things change.

Time to look at the shadows, see what's lurking there. Besides the Shadow cat... It struck me as a bit funny, when I thought about it. I lost my light when I euthanized Raini, and all I'm left with is my Shadow. Had I put 2 + 2 together, I might have seen this coming earlier and not had to deal with such a stiff neck. Oh well, I get it now.

Running around...

Today was a day spent mostly on the road.

Went to my nephew's football game at 9 this morning. His coach moved his 72 pound body from safety to nose tackle today. Nose tackle? Hello, when he stood up, the other team's center towered over him by a good 18" and at least 100 pounds. Yet he managed to sneak by the guy twice, once for a solo quarterback sack that put the other team back several yards, and an assist on another tackle. His team won 20-12 with a touchdown in the last 1:15.

From there it was over to see P. I burned her some of my Paraliminals so she can help herself. We ended up talking for almost an hour, and another friend was waiting to meet her. She gave me a copy of a DVD and some hypnosis manuals to read. Something to play with on the boys at work.

The rest of the day included lunch, Whole Foods, DSW for new athletic shoes and a run to Target for long overdue necessities. Expensive day, had to be done.

I've been contemplating looking at stock pots that are deeper than my dutch oven for making my yogurt in. I looked while at Target, the ones they had seem really light. I was thinking cast iron, so I looked at Lodge. All their stuff is 4.5" deep, when I'm looking for something at least 6" deep and 10" across to fit the quart canning jars. I looked at JC Penney, QVC, Amazon, Kitchen Window and Williams-Sonoma, all no joy. Keep looking, I suppose.

Still a few things I need to get done. I need to get my hair cut, cause it's in my eyes with the helmet on. I want to get to Trader Joe's to get their barbeque sauce - it's the only one I've found so far made with sugar, not corn syrup. The tax return is going quickly, gotta play catch up.

She's alive!

Yes, I still live. Ain't been much to talk about lately.

Other than waking up at 3:30 Monday morning clearly hearing the neighbors stereo booming through my unit. Grrrrr. My gut was acting up, so I came into my office to recline in my meditation chair and see if I could go back to sleep. Put on my meditation CD and I could still hear the booms coming through.

Once I got up for the day, I ripped off an email to the association letting them know. The management company noted the infraction and told me they had notified the unit owner.

I get up at 5:30 this morning and I'm hearing the booming again. Grrr. So I throw on some clothes and go knock on the door. If the unit owner had been notified, he didn't bother to tell the renters. I told them I could hear it all the way back in my bedroom and my office, with headphones on. The noise has been bad enough that my glass shelves on the common wall have rattled and stuff has fallen off the shelves. The noise doesn't help Shad's disposition, either.

The dude I talked to apologized several times. The unit owner hadn't talked to them about the Monday incident, so they weren't aware of how loud they were being. He was abashed when I told him it was the first noise complaint I'd filed in almost 13 years of being here.

So far tonight it's been pretty quiet. I can deal with quiet quite nicely, thank you.
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Kettlebells continues. It actually does, in two weeks. Enough of us spoke up about it that a new 8 week class starts on October 7. It's during my lunch hour, so that's going to mess with my eating schedule for the day, I'll live.

I'm also going to work with the instructor on doing some functional fitness training as well. You do different things and are graded on a scale. That scale then tells you what exercises you need to do to correct the imbalances. It's only $25, so that's in the budget. Do the evaluations a month apart and see what happens.
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Other than that, not much doing besides the usual grind. Dealing with the hypoglycemia can be a bright pain, especially when people steal your food. Went to get my 4 pm yogurt yesterday and it was gone. Searched both fridges three times. Thankfully I still had some walnuts and prunes handy to keep me going until I got home.

I know when I'm getting low on blood sugar - my head gets really fuzzy and I get tired. A little bit of sugar perks me right up, so I'm sticking to my shakes and yogurt that release slowly. Still, every 2-2.5 hours I need to have something.

Now if the insulin my pancreas does produce would behave better... Meanwhile, I need to stock up on long lasting snacks.

Even though it's early, I may soon be headed for bed. I'm getting physically tired.

Zoom zoom

Zoom zoom, all over the cities. Up to Mounds View for work. South to Burnsville for my nephew's football game. South again today to Apple Valley to get my taxes done, then fly up to Mounds View to work. Chael is getting a workout lately.

Went to Burnsville on Saturday to watch my nephew's football game. Gorgeous day, so I hopped on Chael and away we went. Forgot the sunscreen, so my right shoulder is still a bit pink from too much sun. Still, his team won, so the family was happy. He almost had an interception, if he could have hung on to the ball. First game of the season, anything is possible.

Today was a long ass ride. From Plymouth to Apple Valley is almost 34 miles. I made the mistake of taking Crosstown, which meant I got to practice my clutching technique to keep him rolling despite traffic being at a near standstill in the construction zone. Made it to my tax appointment on time.

Corporate and personal taxes are done. I went to see P's part time boss C to get them done, as no one close to home had time for me. I'm getting a nice sized refund that will pay off having last year's taxes done, get me caught up on association dues, and I should be able to pay for six months dues at the wellness center at work. There might even be enough to buy a punch card for kettlebells. State will be direct deposited on Friday and federal next Friday. I like it.

The ride from Apple Valley to Mounds View... a good chunk of the time I was flying along at 75mph+. I had forgotten how fast people fly on Cedar, and 35W wasn't much better, especially when we got north of 36. That's one of those rides I'm not fond of - it takes total concentration to be riding at that speed (for me) because you have no reaction time. No fun.

It's supposed to be nice out all week, so I'll be riding all week. Taez can stay home, wait for winter.

Time to go switch clothes from the washer to the dryer, make my protein drinks for tomorrow and take a shower. Toodles.

Busy mind, busy body

Urgh. If I don't keep the body moving, the mind starts spinning and nothing moves.

I have gotten some cleaning done. The water fountain is again running in my prosperity corner, and the lamp has a new florescent bulb so that will stay on now for the next 10k hours. I have vacuumed the carpet and put down carpet protector so that my usual entrance/exit through the patio door will stay clean this winter. I've hauled recycling and garbage.

Went to the laundromat yesterday to wash two of my queen sized comforters. While there, I dumped some stuff at ARC and did a small bit of shopping for a new shirt and some lap trays. The lap trays I will spray paint gold and put them under the fountains I have to contain the water if they spill or spatter. Save the furniture.

While out, I stopped at the hardware store to get light bulbs. The one in my office blew out spectacularly Saturday night and I didn't have any spares. Turns out there was a sale and instant rebate offer on the bulbs I wanted, so I got them for 99 cents each. Sweet.

I've got yogurt on the stove, meat thawing in the fridge for lunches and supper for the week. A couple loads of laundry are in the washer, about ready to be transferred to the dryer.

And I've got a cat who's both snoopy and extremely loud. Oy.

The mind is spinning because today marks 16 years since my dad died of his second heart attack. His uncle Bill died on Monday, which was Labor Day, and dad died two days later, on my sister's birthday. Mom and I inherited both estates. Yeah rah.

I wonder what might have been, and realize that gets me nowhere but hurt. In some other timeline dad had the courage to tell me he loved me. In some other timeline the twins survived and I had older brothers to lean on and survive with.

In any other timeline I'm not nearly as alone as I am in this one.

Let the cleaning begin

So, it's Labor Day weekend, and indeed it will be a weekend of labor for me.

I'm feeling rather fed up with the state of things around here, so it's time to clean house. I'm trying to keep it to small projects - clean this corner here, decide what to do with all the extra shoes I don't wear, dust this, fix that. Things that are no more than 5' x 5' in area, or one specific piece of furniture. If I don't do it that way, I'll go into overwhelm, which I've done once this morning. If I'm going to get things done, one small piece at a time.

I'm cleaning because Dr. R worked my arms over big time. Between crocheting as much as I have, kettlebells and all the keyboarding I do at work, plus the bike, my wrists were hurting. He put the stim pad on my wrists, cranked up the stim to the point I couldn't control my hands.

He was thinking kill two birds with one stone. Get the wrist inflammation down with the stim, then have the stim arc through my shoulders so the lymph nodes were shocked open as well. My lymph has been dumping stuff out of my system under my arms, instead of pumping and dumping things into the veins like they are supposed to. This has been going on for over 6 1/2 years, and I've had it. Melia and berbercap help control it, but I need to do some major lymph drainage on myself. Perhaps some bouncing on the rebounder when I hit overwhelm - two more birds with a different stone.

Dr. R had kudos and boo's for kettlebells. From now on I need to use the dumbbells to do planks and pushups on. I had been doing them with my hands flat on the floor, which throws the wrists out of whack. Gotta be straight. He does see the change in my muscle tone all over. He can feel the difference and thinks that continuing once a week for now is a good thing.

Now the question becomes, do I go to the kettlebells studio or do I pony up the $138 to join the wellness center for six months? Using the wellness center would be cheaper, cause going to the studio would be $50 a month if I do a punch card, plus the gas to get there.

Maybe what I do is a compromise. I join the wellness center and work out on my own with the bells there. Then once a month I go to the studio as a check in, see what they have going on, any new routines or moves they have and incorporate that for the next month. Then when the class is held at the wellness center again, I take the class there.

I suppose. Lunch, then start cleaning again. The iPod is snyched, as is the Palm Pilot (I'm finding I'm starting to like Bluetooth...), got the tunes, got the time. One small step.

Yeah, yeah

I know it's been a bit since I've posted. Most days it's same stuff, different day. Get up, meditate, get ready, go to work, come home, crochet or work some more, go to bed, start all over again. Blah blah blah.

What made today different was doing two hours of chair massage. Every year when I've been at the place I'm working at, during their annual United Way campaign, I've put in that I would do chair massage as a department reward. Each person in the department gets a 5 minute chair massage and the department manager gets 10 minutes.

The department that got the bid does clinical research and works with the FDA. Just about everyone's neck and shoulders were out of whack either because they sit in cubes all day or they travel a lot. Either way, lots of people very happy to see me.

Did have one person that has a mild case of scoliosis. Told her about Quantum Touch, gave her the website on the back of my card, told her to call me if she wants to learn more.

Another was dealing with an ongoing case of swelling under her arm. I showed her how to find her master lymph nodes and how to do the lymphatic drainage to get the swelling out. She's seen doctors about it, they told her not to worry about it. @#$%!^&!! doctors.

That wore me out by noon. Then I had kettlebells tonight. He had us doing stuff to strengthen the shoulders, and mine are hurting. Then again, my shoulders are weak right now. I can do planks for 15-30 seconds, but it's my hands and shoulders that give out before the rest of me does. Even doing planks on my forearms still throws my shoulders out. Good thing I'm going to see Dr. R tomorrow night.

One good note out of class today? I actually managed, while sitting on the floor, to touch my toes going both ways. First time in 30 years I've been able to do that. That's after five classes. Standing up to touch my toes, I'm within about six inches.

There's also been some mind/body stuff going on. Realizing how hate-filled I had been, did a meditation to wash out the poison in my heart and stop it from coming back. Cognition of what I say to myself and how it affects my body. The d'oh moment when things snap into clarity.

And now if I don't head for bed, my noggin is going to snap into the keyboard. Toodles.

Plumbing, day 2

Oy. Got one leak fixed, but I didn't go far enough. The pipe that connects to the wall is also leaking. Discovered that this morning.

So, when I get home from my platelet donation this afternoon, I'll tackle that stripping and re-caulking job.

And while I was scurrying around the kitchen, I decided to look up where I can recycle those pesky #5 plastics that our local city and county don't take. I found this site which lead me to this site. So I'll start a bag for all the #5 plastics I collect and take them with the next time I go to Whole Foods. They also have a place where you can ship them to as well. They use the stuff to make toothbrush handles.

While I was under the kitchen sink yesterday I also tried to get the garbage disposal running. The sad thing is, I think it's now a rusted piece of junk, since it took me six years to get it hooked up. I can't get the thing to move, so I'm pretty sure it's toast. There's another $100 for a new disposer. At least I can do the work myself.

That's today in a nutshell. Platelet donation, fix the pipes, again. Make lunch for next week. Wash clothes. Crochet.

Plumbing repairs

Ugh. I just finished doing the dishes and was draining the sink when I heard water dripping below. The drain pipe from the sink decided to leak.

Now the good news is, I've caught it early. I have a fan on under the sink to dry it out. I dug through my junk drawer and found I have two tubes of silicone so I can strip the old silicone and put on fresh. Maybe while I'm under there I'll actually hook up the garbage disposal. Then I can send ice cubes down the drain to clean the whole system out.

Meanwhile, yogurt is on the stove. I got groceries yesterday, so I'm OK there. Now I just need to put a few things together for lunch next week and I'm good.

I'm in the mood for egg salad. I have plenty of eggs, I should boil them up and make some. Yum.

Other than the usual go to work, stare at Excel all day, come home, crochet and play with Shadow, not much doing. Kettle bells is still kicking my butt and back, making me use body parts like they are intended to be used.

I'm on a crocheting streak right now. I finished up a lap robe last weekend, then started on a baby afghan. I'm trying to use up all the old stuff around the house to get it out of here without having to buy too much new yarn. I did drop another $20 in yarn yesterday at a sale. That new stuff will help me finish up some of the other projects that are in process. Then I can donate the works.

The company I work for has volunteer projects, one of which is known as Project Warm Hearts. Those of us that crochet and knit can make stuff and send it in. The company's foundation then makes a cash contribution to the same charity that our stuff goes to. Baby blankets go one place, lap robes another, scarves mittens and caps go yet a different place. I should start keeping track of what I've spent, time and money wise, see if I can take it off my taxes.

So, I suppose, better see how bad the mess is. Eat some lunch, let the fan run, plot how to fix this.

I wonder how bad my fame is plugged up and/or leaking away...

Zzzz...

Maybe I should go to bed early tonight. I'm just about a walking zombie anyways.

Been tired the last couple days. I'm chalking it up to the heat - it wipes me out. Throw in kettlebells and yeah, I'm done.

We're finally in a hot streak, days above 80 degrees all week. Yes, it's nice, but I could do without sweating all the way home from work. Even in this heat, I still wear full jacket, helmet and gloves when I ride Chael. I can recover from dehydration a whole lot faster than I can road rash or worse.

Got a good giggle at work today. My work computer has been having some issues (it's a PC, whadda ya expect?), so the guys in the department have been trying to re-image it. I had gone to do something, came back to my desk and the re-image expert was there along with two of the other guys. As I walked up, one guy who I know rides quipped to me, "Well, Beth rides." Reimage dude looks at me, so I pipe up, 750 Shadow.

I'd walked into the middle of a conversation about why reimage dude doesn't ride his motorcycle to work. Several astounded looks went around the group when I went on that I rode my bike because it gets 50 mpg while my truck gets 12. They ribbed me about getting a different vehicle, I told them I'd love to, just can't do it right now.

I'm still giggling about it. I've been waiting for one of them who has seen me get on or off the bike to make a comment about me riding. Didn't expect to be used as a way to get at someone for not riding theirs.

It reminded me of when I was at Home Depot. When I first started riding, I was going in at 7 am, so I'd walk right through the contractor crowds at registers 1 & 2. I'd purposefully wait to pull off my helmet until I got inside the big doors. The contractors in line would usually drop their jaws to see a woman come in with motorcycle gear. I was the only woman that rode at that store.

As for kettlebells, I did go to the second class. We dropped from 13 to 10. That's OK, that leaves a few more of the lighter weight bells available. We did swings, one arm presses, trying to do push ups on the bells. Give me a flat pair of dumbbells and I can do a plank and a bit of a push up, but forget the bear crawls.

I'm not near as sore as I was last week. When I got home last night I dove right into the shower with as hot water as I could stand, then stretched as I went. When I got out, lots of water and a protein shake.

Not much doing otherwise.

Kettlebells and Kooza, redux

Start with Kooza this time.

Kooza was pretty cool. It's been at least 30 years since I've been to a circus, so this was a treat.

The story line is about a little boy out trying to fly his kite on a windy day. While out, he receives a big box. The box contains a magical jack-in-the-box and his magical wand. From there all sorts of things happen. There's the classic circus acts, like jugglers, a couple magic acts, a pick pocket and hauling up audience members for different gags. There was a double high wire act, a gal on a high swing, a trio of contortionists, acrobats using a seesaw.

There were two acts that left me shaking my head. One was the last act, a gymnast that was stacking chairs then balancing on them. The guy had amazing control - his body many times was at odd angles to his arms that would throw a normal person's center of balance off completely. Not once did he waver, the tower never moved. He moved slowly, perfectly in balance no matter what he did.

Another act that had me calculating physics as fast as I could in my head was the Wheel of Death. Click on the link above to see the contraption. What the guys were doing on the inside and outside of the wheels made my heart stop a couple times.

It was cool. I wouldn't mind seeing it again.

As for kettlebells, I had to go see Dr. R today. He agreed that I need to do something to tear down the muscles in order to build them back up. He was surprised that I went right straight to kettlebells, but he understands where I am coming from.

As I suspected, my hips and low back were out of whack, despite seeing Dr. M just a week ago. Out came the stim pads and heat pack to get the muscles loosened up. I had him work on my left foot, which he thinks is really stiff, which is what causes it to hurt in a particular spot. Then he started working on my hands, commenting that my fingers are starting to tighten up like my pinky fingers that I can't flatten out.

I will be seeing much more of Dr. R. I am so sick of seeing of Dr. M and his mind games. I much prefer Dr. R's straight forward approach.
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It's been raining today. We need it, as here in the cities we're in a pretty good drought. Sounds like we got at least 3/4". It's a small dent in the bucket.

Shadow continues to be a klingon kitty. She was not pleased with me getting home at almost midnight last night. I got chewed out for not feeding her and not being around to cuddle with. Right now she's tucked herself into my left side in the recliner.

It's not that she wants my direct attention, she just wants to be near or on me in some way. If I purposefully pet her, she gets growly and hissy. If I leave her alone, she naps or just hangs out, quietly purring as if she doesn't want me to hear her purring.

Silly furball. This morning, since I slept in, she wanted to go up on the clothing armoire I have. When she was younger she could leap up there by herself from the dresser. Now, not a chance, so I have to lift her up there. She sits on the bed and meows at me until I do so. So I put her up there about 8 this morning. She was sound asleep when I left for Dr. R's, so I just left her up there. She was still sound out when I got home 2 1/2 hours later. At that point I pulled her down, much to her despisement.

So now I've got plenty of work to do tomorrow. Play catchup from today, make a run to the farmer's market for organic beef, maybe go to the art fair or go see a movie.

For tonight, Shad and I will cuddle and watch Eureka.

Kettlebells and Kooza

OMG, owww.

You would think I would know better than to pick up and swing around an 18 or 25 pound cannon ball with a handle. Nope. That's what a kettlebell is, a cannon ball with a handle.

Yes, for an hour today I was learning how to properly pick up and swing said kettlebell. It's a full body workout. You're using your legs and hips to do the lifting, but all the stabilizer muscles in your gut and back are working overtime to help your arms as you swing.

As I sit here typing, I have a microwaveable heat pack between me and the chair. I had it on my shoulders when I got home so they would loosen up. Now I need to get the mid back to open up.

I'm going to be crazy enough to go back again next Wednesday. In the meantime, when I finish this current gallon of milk, I'll fill that up with rocks and water to use here at home. It may not be as much weight as class, but it will help get those muscles used to working this way. If I really like it, maybe I will invest in one bell, then work my way up.

Good thing I had already decided to drive the truck tomorrow. Don't think the back would hack the bike.

Tomorrow night is a trip to see Kooza, by Cirque de Solei. The company I'm working for got three of the upper deck sections for an unbelievable price tomorrow night. At the regular price of $105 a pop, or even the $95 through MERSC, there was no way I could afford to go. The deal we got, plus the fact I'm going alone, allowed me to get in.

I haven't been out to anything fun like this in almost a year. Something different than my usual Thursday night fare. And given how late I expect I'll be getting home, I'm working from home on Friday.

I'm going to enjoy sleeping in for three days in a row. Been so bloomin' tired again this week that even going to bed before 10 isn't helping any.

So, I'll tell you how Kooza is on Friday, and we'll go from there.

Sunday

Lots of stuff going on the last couple days.

Today was another platelet donation day. The head phlebotomist was in a good mood, giving me crap left and right. He even started singing my song, Beth by Kiss, to me. Goof.

Took the leap and joined Facebook. Most of my created family is on FB, so I joined so I can keep up with them. All of what I'm thinking and doing will stay here, unconnected to FB, so potential employers and clients don't connect the two.

Thinking of created family, we got together yesterday at French Regional Park. J clan is getting two exchange students this year, and the first one came in yesterday. After they picked her up, they and D clan came to the park. It was great to get together with them again.

If only the weather had cooperated a bit more. It was sunny, but for August 1 in MN it was chilly. Low 70's with a 20 mile an hour wind put the air temp in the 50's. Brr. Wish I had brought my jacket with...

Saw Dr. M Friday night. Asked him about the weight, again. So he played one of his mind tricks on me. Gives me two pieces of paper, tells me to pick which one is right for me. So I open it up, it says 'space for two'. The other one said 'space for one'. My body, because of issues, believes it needs to take up space for two.

Space for two can play in several ways in my head. Yes, given my weight, I have enough mass to make two people. That plays into the abandonment issues that go way back. Space for two could also mean twins, as in the twins my mom lost right before I was conceived. Space for two also plays into my desire for a companion in my life.

Space for one, in this body, is all I need. Now to get head and body to buy into that.

Mammogram was fast and painless. I got there early, and was out before the time my appointment was supposed to start. I like that.

So, I suppose, back to work. I should butcher up one of the roasts so I can make soup for the week. Gumption to get stuff done, none. See what the rest of the day brings.

Bullet dodged

As I expected, my Pap smear was nothing to worry about. Filling out the paperwork for the OB/GYN took three times longer than the meeting with the doctor.

Yes, some of the cells were a bit unusual. The next step is to then test for the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is a predictor of whether or not the cells that are iffy will turn pre-cancerous or not. I don't have HPV, so no worries. The doctor recommended I come back in a year to get another yearly and take a look at things then if I come back with another abnormal test.

I suspect I would know right away if something truly was wrong. That I didn't panic was my clue.

Now I get to go back to the same location tomorrow to have a mammogram done. Joy. Squished boobs. Painful squished boobs.

Then Friday I get to go see Dr. M for what hopefully will be my discharge from the accident. Now I need to start paying for my own visits again.
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Since the weight doesn't seem to want to move, I'm going to try a kettlebell class at work. It's $80 for 8 weeks of classes at 4:30 on Wednesdays. See if I can adapt things to use milk jugs as weights and play from there.

Also, I'm now on my third Gruve. The second one was defective - it recorded movement when I know there was none. The one I received yesterday is now back in tune with where the first one was. So now I need to get my backside moving and start walking again.

Torchwood moral and ethical issues

Torchwood... what ethical and moral conumdrums that one has raised.

Spoiler warnings: I will be revealing plot secrets, so if you haven't seen it, please skip this post. If you want to see it after reading this, I do have it on my DVR, as I'm recording the encore marathon right now. Otherwise it will be available on BBC America Shop on Tuesday.

There are several ethical and moral questions raised in this five part mini-series. One deals with how we act and react to extraterrestrial alien threats and demands. Another is how government as a whole reacts to the aliens, those entrusted to deal with them, and how that influences their decision. A third is about sacrifice, to quote Spock in Trek IV (or was it III?) the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

First up: how do we act and react to alien life forms, their threats and demands if made? For me, there's no question there is alien life in the universe. The odds are so against there not being other life out there that I have no doubt. Have they made contact with us yet? I suspect they have, many times over the centuries. Some may just be curious about us, others may wish to help us advance technologically or spiritually, others may well see us as the enemy, even though we haven't left our solar system yet. Others will view us as stupid children and treat us as such. In some respects, they wouldn't be far wrong.

How would you react if all the world's children all started chanting the same thing at time? We are coming, we are coming back?

The biggest moral and ethical issue raised in this mini-series deals with the aliens wanting 10% of the world's children, or they wipe out the entire human race. When it's found out that the kids are used as a living recreational drug supply for the aliens, the ethics stakes go even higher.

How would you chose the 10%? As presented, the government officials chose the poorest performing schools. Their reasoning? Those would be the most likely to end up on the dole or in prison, those most likely not to succeed in the world.

There's the catch. If you, as a government official, had the chance to clean out your juvenile detention centers, the poorest of the poor, those that are the biggest monetary drain on society, would you hand them over to an alien, just to get them off your hands? Even if you knew that the children would become living drug supplies for those aliens, and that the aliens would likely be back for more in the future?

I wonder how the Chinese would have gathered their 10%? As it is, parents in China are only supposed to have one child. What do you tell those parents? You've had your one, now give them up? And oh, by the way, no, you can't have any more, either. If there wasn't an uproar before, there would be with that.

I couldn't. I would fight to my dying breath to make sure that 'my' six kids would not be in that 10%. When they were safe, I'd do what I could to make sure no one else was in that 10% either.

The other thing that rankles me is how, in this show, the government treats the people that can best deal with the threat. By eliminating those that know best how to deal, you lose whatever advantage you have. You lose the knowledge base, the expertise that in the end gets you out of the mess. Aargh.

Sacrifice. How far are you willing to go, how many lives are you willing to sacrifice if it means saving the rest of the human race? Are you willing to sacrifice your lover, your best friends, your own child or grandchild if it means the rest will live?

With Torchwood, the adults are cannon fodder, the red shirts. They go in knowing they won't get a long life span. If they don't know, it doesn't take long to find out. The only one who lives is Captain Jack, and that's because he's a fixed point in time and space thanks to Dr. Who.

Jack sacrifices his own grandson to save the rest of the world's children. He wants to find another way, but runs out of time. There is no other choice. And as much as his daughter hates him for taking away her only child, somewhere she understands. His life for all the others. It's not a fair trade. Yes, she can have more, and it's still her first born child.

After all is said and done, the alien threat is over, how do you move on? Can you move on, given how much you have lost, and the grief over each and every death that you may have played any part in? Sounds to me like a major guilt trip in the making.

Do you stay, do you run? Jack chose to run, Gwen stayed. Gwen had hope, both in the form of her marriage to Rhys and in the child she carried. Jack lost almost everything near and dear to him: the hub, Ianto, his daughter and grandson, and all the Torchwood personnel he's lost over the 100+ years he's been working there.

I'm not sure I could stay and cope with that, either. Even with all I know and the resources I have access to, it would be a long time coming out of that guilt trip.

Enough of the rant for now. If watching for the third time gives me any more to rant about, I'll write about it later.

Oh, there is one last thing. If this is the series finale, damn, what a way to go.

Where to start...

Where to start? I've got several topics I want to touch on, so I think I'll briefly mention all of them, then do separate posts on each topic.

First off, I haven't written this week because I've been busy watching Torchwood: Children of Earth. I got hooked on Torchwood (and Primeval) on the BBC over the last couple months. Torchwood ties into the current series of Dr. Who, so there's several pieces fitting together.

Anyway, the Children of Earth miniseries presented some very interesting ethical and moral questions. I'll go more into those in another post. The questions have been haunting my dreams, making me question things.

I've also been watching a lot of Primeval as well. Another interesting show, not near as many moral or ethical dilemmas as Torchwood.

Got enough issues to deal with on my own, thank you. Earlier in the month I went in for the first full physical I've had in three years. The MD left me a voice mail on Friday that my Pap smear came back with some unusual cells and he wants me to get a second opinion with an OB/GYN.

Joy. Another frellin' pelvic exam.

No, I'm not panicking. Far as I'm concerned, nothing to panic about. I say that because my period finished less than 48 hours before I had the Pap smear. Still, get it checked out and make sure.

When I got a massage yesterday, I had the therapist check in on me energetically. She said the area looked cloudy, with grey clouds. Hearing that, I did some checking of my own this morning.

The reproductive system energetically is the seat of creativity, where we literally and physically give birth to things in life. In the past, when I've had really bad cramps and no access to painkillers, I've tried to find out what's causing the cramps. All I got was that my uterus wanted a baby. Not happening...

Now, when I ask, what I get is that I'm denying being a female. Really? How much more unfeminine can you get? I'm not butch, but I'm not a girly girl either. I'm just no-where, not belonging to either or both. Observer and observed, not participating.

So, we'll see when I can get in to the OB/Gyn and go from there. Get the boobs squished and see what they're doing, make a right month of it.

Cleaning

What is it with me and cleaning in July? Last year's cleaning kick started in July, if I remember correctly. Or was it June? That cleaning was a necessary thing, cleaning out the things I didn't want or need in my life.

This time I hope to be cleaning and de-cluttering to make room for something in my life.

Tuesday will be a month since Raini died. It's time to get moving, to start moving on the things that let go when she did.

It wasn't much, but it was something. I hauled out a whole mess of old magazines and catalogs, at least 4-5 trips, plus a couple garbage runs. The third litter box has been dis-assembled, merged into the other two. There's more space on the floor - no carpet skating - so now I need to vacuum to finish the floor.

Cleaning out the old magazines opened up one shelf in my smaller book case. Now I've got more space for all the books in my house.
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Thinking of books, still plowing through Abraham-Hick "Ask and It Is Given." In the back there are 22 ways to help raise your vibration and get back in the flow. One of the ideas that caught my eye was the place mat process.

The place mat process consists of making your to-do list, but with a twist. Divide the paper you're making your list on in two. One side make the list of things you have to do, that only you can do. On the other side, make the Universe's to do list. What are things you'd like to get done but just can't, because there is too much to do? Let the Universe handle it.

The idea is that by listing what you can get done, you've made a change in your vibration. By handing over the the Universe what you can't get done, there's a relief that you no longer have to carry that burden. That relief boosts your vibration.

On Friday, I made myself some copies of this. On one side I put the things I needed to do in the next week, one page for work, one page for home. I put down what I want to get done at work, and all the things I want the Universe to handle when it comes to work. On the one for home, I put down what I wanted to get done here at home, and what I wanted the Universe to handle.

There's another one called the prosperity game. There have been a couple of online versions I've seen before. This one starts out at $1k a day and adding $1k per day. You have to both deposit and spend that amount per day. You can create checks, or use old checks from a closed account, and spend that money. You need to get creative on how to spend it. Maybe it's a remodeling project, where the individual days go for different parts of the project. It could be for getting new appliances, or fixing your vehicle, or making a donation to a food shelf, whatever you want to spend it on.

Which this one, if you started at $1k and added $1k per day, you would deposit and spend over $66 MILLION dollars. What could you do with $66 million? Think about how that would boost your vibration, money wise.

So yes, it's time to start making use of these. Get the juice flowing again, get me back into the flow of joy.

Grants and such

So the search begins to see if I can find some grant money to get me out of this financial hole I've created for myself. I know they are out there, just need to do some research, start applying and see what happens. I'm setting my sights on not only enough to get the siding paid for, but to do the windows and patio door as well, which brings the total up to about $9k. If I could get some extra to re-do my bathroom, re-wire the house so I can put down an electric warming mat in the bathroom, finish what I started with the kitchen remodel, and frame in the space in the living room for a closet, I'd be sitting pretty.

More would get me new carpet throughout. A new dishwasher and stove wouldn't hurt matters any, either. And if I can get some grants, I'll let the association know how I got them, so maybe the association can either go after the grants themselves, or make the info available to other homeowners who are in the same spot I am.
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I am finally done with going through the spreadsheet and licenses to match people up. I'm waiting on people to get back to me, the majority of it is done for the moment.

As expected, out of almost 14k licenses, almost 8k are in use, 5k are open and 1k are waiting to be assigned. We don't need the extra 1900 licenses that were purchased on June 23, so I'm hoping we can finagle a refund on most of that.

We've got places we can use that money. Some can fund my salary and maybe hire another person to help me as we do more software. A big chunk of it can go to help bring Vista into company. We need packagers that can do SCCM packaging, since we've got at least 1500 apps to get done.

My boss told me today they will keep me on after October. Now whether that's as an employee or still as a contractor, not sure. I do want to research how much software asset management people are paid, so I have an idea of the salary range. I want to be in a position of power to negotiate this when it's time.
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Ouch. My body is a bit out of whack after Monday. I rode Chael up to JD's dad's funeral in St. Cloud. Given that gas is $2.21 at my station right now, that's less than $7 to fill up Chael for the 140 mile round trip. In Taez, that would have been 10 gallons, which is a bit out of the budget right now.

What I didn't factor into the cost was how my body would feel after the ride. I stopped in Monticello both up and back to give my hands a rest. I also needed to slam a protein drink around those times, so it worked out.

Getting out of bed yesterday morning was interesting. My left hip and glutes were not happy with me. My seat on Chael is comfortable, just no backrest or leg rest (if I had engine guards, there would be). No way to stretch out or sit comfortably for long periods of time. It was a 90 minute ride each way, not including breaks. More incentive to get the grants to either fix up Chael or get a Spyder or a Goldwing.
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I knew somewhere around the house I had two more Abraham books on the Law of Attraction. Found them tucked behind some other books I'd been reading. I'm going through the one on the Art of Allowing, which seems to be an issue with me. I'm resisting the flow. I don't know how to get out of my own way.

Part of it, I've momentarily forgotten how to dream about what I want in this life. Reading is helping me remember.

Remember that I want a hybrid Tahoe or Escalade. I want my own freestanding home, built either out of a concrete dome or insulated concrete forms. I want a man in my life and all that goes with having a loving partner to do things with, be with. Remember how to focus on what I want so the rest just fades away.

And I live here because...???

I know I've whined previously about where I live, that some days I wish I had not moved in here.

Today's another one of those days. We had an association meeting tonight about new siding for the building. We're looking at $190k for the building and garages. My portion of that as a special assessment comes to $4200 that I would have to come up with by September 15 at the latest.

Part of me wants to be really defeatist about this and just say screw it, let them put a lien against my unit and not fuss about it. Part of me wants to play with the Law of Attraction and see what we could do about bringing that money, plus enough to put in new windows and a patio door as well.

I do have several parties that owe me what it would take to cover all this. One I would have to haul into small claims court and I know she still wouldn't pay up. I doubt she ever had any intention of making the payments. Another is unemployed, so I'm not bugging them. The other two I've written off. Between the four, there's at least $17k I'm owed.

Lesson learned: Never, ever, loan money to friends and family. Never, ever, take loans, either.

Research into window and siding programs is next, I suppose. See if there are any out there that cover those of us living in multiple unit buildings. Or grants, and/or low cost loans, and/or whatever else I can find.

MIA

Missing In Action.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Missing out on the action in my own life.

Life still sucks. I miss Raini. I miss my meditation buddy. I miss hearing her purr and feeling the vibration. I miss her begging for people food and cleaning up my plate after I'd eaten supper. I miss her quiet lap time with me, where we'd just hang out and read or watch TV. I miss having her tucked in between my arm and my body as I go to sleep.

What really sucks is some days it feels like she was never here at all. Just a figment of my imagination. Those days I hate, because I feel like I'm forgetting her already, and it hasn't been three weeks yet.

Yet life goes on. Or not.

I suspect the season of funerals has begun. I've been through this twice before, when many people chose that time to pass back to spirit because they couldn't deal with the changes in the energy. The famous people that have passed in the last couple weeks, Raini, a co-worker's mother, now JD's dad.

It's been a while since the last funeral I attended. That would have been my aunt Bernice a couple years ago. Monday I'm taking Chael up to St. Cloud to be there for J & A and the kids. They have their entire family, his sisters and all of their relatives. Still, it's nice to see a friendly face in the crowd. That I can tell you from experience.

I suppose it's time to get my life back on track, stop being a victim and move on with things. Tell the saboteur and her gremlins to get out of my head and go make someone else's life hell. I created my way into this, I can create my way out of it.

I will make a pit stop to watch Torchwood and Primeval, though, along with Eureka. Gotta have a few distractions to let my head pull abstract stuff together.

Ugh

Why am I writing when I have no idea of what to say? Hoping stream of consciousness will come up with something?

Went in yesterday for my first MD physical in three years. Did the usual, had him check my back since in the past I've badly sunburned my back a couple times. He agreed to have my thyroid levels checked, along with my cholesterol. I'm scheduled to have my first mammogram on the 30th, the day before my health insurance runs out. I'm sure that will come back just fine. Use it as a baseline.

Surprisingly, he agreed with the high protein diet as being the best way to let go of the weight. He, at least, recognizes that carbs are the enemy.

I feel like I've run out of words. Some might call it writer's block. For me who usually has to rein in and not be TMI, this is unusual. My life right now is same stuff, different day, and they all just blur together.

Where to go from here...

Met with Dr. M today. It's been two weeks since the last time I saw him, and my body was feeling it. Between the stress of Raini and a few other things, I've been in some pain. Waking up with some vicious headaches because my neck was out of alignment, ditto knees. Yeah, I was due.

The weight not moving was a topic for today. Kicking to a high protein diet evidently takes the body a while to realize what's going on. I need to give it at least two months for the body to detox, then the weight will start dropping. I know I'm detoxing, given how things are going on with my body. Probably should do a liver and kidney cleanse to help things move along.

My Gruve snapped in two yesterday. The plastic where the clip attaches to the body of the device snapped clean off. Emailed customer service, they are sending me a new one, no charge. They changed the clip to polycarbonate so it's twice as strong. For now, I've got it tucked in the terry cloth wrist band I've been wearing it on at night. The new one should be arriving sometime next week.

Stopped at Lakewinds Co-op in Minnetonka on the way home from Dr. M's. Much easier to get into than the Wedge, lots more parking. Got bee pollen and a few other things I needed. Now if I need something I can stop on the way home from Dr. M's to pick things up.

I am grateful for a three day weekend. I slept in until 5 this morning - usually I've been up between 3:30-4. Today I let be my Saturday in not getting much done. I'll make yogurt and a few other things tomorrow, do some work from home to get my 40 hours in. Sunday I may go for an extended ride, just to do something different and see someplace I haven't been through, even though I've lived in the cities for almost 15 years now.
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The house just seems strange without Raini in it. Hard to believe that a 4 pound cat could make such a difference. The place seems a bit quieter, a bit darker without her here.

Shadow seems to want to spend as much time on my lap as possible. She hisses and growls if I need to move, so her crabbiness has not abated one bit. I have to wonder if her crabbiness has to do with her limping when she does get down - how much pain is she in? She doesn't like me running energy to her, given the growls I get when I do.

Dunno what I'm gonna do with that one. One day at a time.

Shadow

I think Shadow is starting to realize Raini isn't coming home. All of a sudden she's turned klingon, finally coming to sit with me last night, this morning during breakfast and when I got home tonight.

She's also starting to learn to turn down her calls, volume wise, at least when I'm home.

Obviously, not a whole lot going on. I go to work, continue to plow through my spreadsheets seeing how many I can match up. Then I need to work on the policies and procedures for going forward.

If I can reel in some of the 1800 licenses purchased and return them, we'll have some money to do a few things. My boss told me that hiring me is one thing she wants to do. Paying for a developer to put the Access database into SQL would be another. Having a reserve fund for when we outgrown our folder space and need to have our own server. Maybe bringing in another contractor to help with the work. There's a lot we could do with 250-500k.

You would think with all the walking I do, at least 2.5 miles a day at work, would give me energy. It's not. See if the CoQ10 helps, now that I have it back in hand after my last VitaCost order.

I suspect I will be a woman of very few words over the next couple weeks. If I start to whine too much, I expect y'all to call me on it - at least I'll know you're reading.

Broken, shattered...

How many words can I come up with to describe the state of my heart and the emptiness of my soul?

Broken, shattered, splintered, mangled. Hollow, empty, void...

I could use adverbs and adjectives to expand the descriptors above. I suspect all of you know those same feelings in one capacity or another. No need to expound on them.

Even with as shattered as I feel, I do know there is a good side to this. I get to put my heart back together the way I want to, the way my soul wants me to. This time I get to chuck out the crap that no longer serves me. I can even patch in some pieces that are chosen specifically for their long term benefits.

Putting me back together will have to wait for just a little while. I'm tired, exhausted, and it is all catching up with me. Early to bed tonight and let myself sleep in as long as I can this weekend. Naps are OK, too. Rebuilding a strong foundation takes energy and clarity, neither of which I have in the abundance needed for that type of a project.

I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. Shadow still needs to be fed. There's still plenty of work to do. Bills need to be paid, house has to be cleaned. The world doesn't stop just because my life has. I wonder if there ever will be time to just shut out the world and just grieve.

R.I.P. Raini

That dreaded day is here. I had to put Raini to sleep about 11:30 this morning.

She was really listless this morning, wouldn't touch anything food wise. I wasn't feeling the greatest, so I decided to stay home. I'm glad I did.

She sat with me as I did some work, trying to stay ahead of what's going on at work. She couldn't get comfortable, she was weak, just not her usual self. About 10:30-11 she started breathing with her mouth open, and I knew. Called the vet and took her in.

She's been with me since September 1990. I picked her up from a shelter when she was just a tiny little thing. When she was really little, she would sleep curled around my head at night. After I was fired from that job, we moved home with Mom and Dad for a while. Then she would tuck her ribs right into my ear and purr me to sleep at night.

Mom and Dad weren't too pleased to have an indoor cat. Eventually they warmed up to her. We played fetch in the hallway. Yes, she would fetch a ball I threw down the hallway and bring it back to me. She loved playing fetch.

When we moved to Clarkfield, we first lived in an old house, then moved to an apartment above the post office. The stairs up were outside the building, so I would let Raini and Shad run up and down the stairs and chatter at the birds. They knew it was time to come in when I whistled for them.

We survived the Clarkfield tornado on June 16, 1992. I was almost killed twice that night. Raini I found under the bed, Shad somehow made it into a closed drawer that was maybe 2" deep (she was a kitten at the time, not the 15# furball she is now.)



We've moved from Clarkfield to Willmar to Crystal to Plymouth, where we've been for the last 12+ years. She's been with me every step of the way.

During my second suicide attempt, my only real concern was what would happen to Raini and Shadow. Who would take care of them, what would happen to them. That, and Andy's email, kept me here.

Raini has been more than a pet to me. She's been my companion, my friend, given me all the unconditional love she could. Now she's gone over the Rainbow Bridge.

I know she's with me in spirit. I know I'll see her spirit walking when I least expect it.

My heart is breaking. I know in time I'll heal, but I already miss her so much. Her purr, when she'd chatter at the birds

After my meeting this afternoon, I'll take her body down to Paws, Claws and Hooves to have her cremated. It's just ashes that are left, still, it's something of her.

Now I need to clean up her body, take care of things.

My furry angel has earned her wings.

Summer?

It's finally starting to act like summer outside, with temps in the 80's and humidity. Most of the spring has been cold and dry, so I'll take the heat, five days of rain and humidity.

Some days I swear Raini is a stubborn git/kit. The last couple nights she's had episodes of seizures, labored breathing, more peeing on the piddle pads. Yet she refuses to go peacefully into that good night.

I've been looking at the shelter websites, for a cat that resembles the one that came through a couple weeks ago. Right now going the shelter route is out of the budget. There won't be anyone new in the house anytime soon. Try explaining that to Raini...

I've enjoyed working from home the last couple days. I've gotten more work done than I would have at work. I've gotten a few things done around the house because I didn't have to waste 45 minutes in transit each way.

Heard back from the gal that does weight loss coaching. She agrees that there are at least two parts of me that are incongruent on weight loss, so that's what is stopping me. We set up a call for Monday night when I get home from work to see if her work is what will help me. Otherwise it's a trip to my teacher to help me with this one.

Maybe once the yogurt is done, I'll go start Chael up and see if he behaves in a short ride around the neighborhood. I haven't been on him since trying to go see Dr. M a week ago. See if he'll behave today. It's supposed to be in the upper 80's and 90's next week, so being on the bike would be a good thing.

Quick note

Or what I hope will be a quick note, anyway.

Raini is still alive, still peeing in the wrong places at times. Last night, if I had not made her stay on the piddle pad, she could have soaked my bed. Thankfully her butt was on the pad far enough that the pad caught it all. Whew!

She's still not eating and drinking to her previous levels. It's not worth forcing her, so I leave a cat food slurry in two places and hope she eats and drinks.

She's also managed to find a way, despite my best attempts to keep her out, to get under the bed. When I got home tonight, I was able to coax her out without having to physically haul her out. She's spent most of the evening on my lap, until she had to go pee. She did beeline it for the box and made it.

I am ever so grateful for a boss who understands and is willing to let me work from home. I've been loading the main spreadsheet onto my USB drive every night, just in case I need to work from home. The VPN is really slow to load documents, especially when they are 5 meg or larger, which all my spreadsheets are.

Taez is fixed. He's no longer dripping where he was. The radiator stop leak did the trick.
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Things I've been contemplating in between...

I noticed on the way home last night that there's a sign stating 'Dead End' where the road curves to come back to where I live. There is no way to get out, other than to take the loop at the cul de sac and come back out again. What got me is that in some ways, since I moved here more than 12 years ago, is how much of a dead end my life has been. What was once an aspiring career went off track after I moved in. I've seemed to make a mess of many things after moving here.

I would love to get out of here. At this point I need to hang tight until things pick up again, which my guess will be sometime next year at the earliest. I have no clue of where I'll end up after that, but it's got to be better than here.

The other thing bouncing through my head is that my weight seems to be stuck. I'm walking more than 2.25 miles a day, I've upped the protein, I'm eliminating as many carbs as I can, nothing's moving. I don't get it.

Maybe I need to eat more. Another protein shake at 2 pm would help with the mid-afternoon crashes. That would push my second snack to around 4-4:30, which would put supper around 6:30.

I'm also contemplating contacting someone that does weight loss hypnosis. She's the one I took the Photoreading class from. Email her, find out what her rates are, see if I can sneak it into the budget somehow.

Strange tastes

What can I say, I've got a strange cat with strange tastes.

She still won't touch her cat food. She will eat cheese, yogurt and hot dogs. She's not been real good about drinking water, no matter how salty the hot dogs are, so I've taken to giving her water by a plastic syringe. It's small enough to go in her mouth no matter how tight she tries to shut it, and she'll suck down a few CC's at a time.

I've discovered she has been peeing behind the TV. I caught her at it and promptly hauled her butt to the litter box in the bathroom and closed the door until she used the box. Trying to clean up back there will be a treat...

When I haven't been working, I've been reading 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything.' It's a different take on some of the things I learned in therapeutic coaching. I've already had occasion to put it to use.

When I was on my way to see Dr. M yesterday afternoon, I heard something happen in Taez's engine. When I got back out, I noticed a puddle under the front left part of the engine. Wasn't oil, smelled a bit like anti-freeze. Stopped at the Cub right there and got a couple of gallons of distilled water, just in case. Dumped a gallon in and carefully made my way to the O'Reilly's a couple miles from home. Got some radiator stop leak and a gallon of the proper anti-freeze - the orange stuff - to put into him this morning after the engine cooled.

We made it home in one piece. I've already been out to suck out some of the water in the overflow tank and add in more anti-freeze. I checked all the other fluid levels while I had the hood up. Put in the stop leak, now I need to take him for a drive for at least 15-30 minutes for the stop leak to start working.

I also need to check Chael. I originally started out on Chael yesterday. Went to the gas station to put on gas, and when I started him up, something didn't sound right. His engine and tranny weren't shifting to his normal, so we came home, I threw my helmet and jacket in Taez's back seat and away we went. I'll check his engine oil and tranny fluid, see if I can figure out what's going on.

While I was limping Taez home, at first I panicked. I can't afford right now to have both vehicles go down on me. I'm trying to catch up on back association dues, I have to keep some cash handy for when Raini goes so I can pay for her cremation (more in a bit), etc, etc, etc. Finally stopped that train of thought by realizing that I will get through this, some how, some way, I will get through this. Somehow I'll come up with the money to pay for all of this. I'll make it through.

As for Raini's cremation, I did some calling around yesterday. I found a place out in Chanhassen called Paws, Claws and Hooves that does both pet boarding and individual pet cremation. For a cat of Raini's size, it's $150 plus tax. Other places I checked wanted $300 or more. They are open 7 days a week, so when the time comes, I can bring her down there, then go back a couple days later to pick up her remains. That's a huge weight off my mind.

A couple things I've come to realize in the last 24 hours. I need to start the fountain in the wealth corner again, to get things flowing. I need to re-start writing down the things I'm grateful for every night before bed. I've gotten myself into this mess because I stopped doing these kinds of things when I got the job I'm currently in. I didn't plan for the things I wanted next, to maintain what I had gained.

Suppose I better go find Raini, see how she's doing. I need to get groceries and do all the usual weekend stuff I wish I could skip. The gremlins aren't being real helpful right now, so I better get to it.