Done waiting

I've got a lot to do in the next four days.

None of the VP's could see their way clear to pull enough money together to hire me. And there is no word if I will be back after 60 days or not.

I'm not entirely surprised. Just sad that they can't see their way clear at the moment.

Good news is, it takes two men to replace me. The finance director realizes that her cell phone guy can't do it all, so the boy gets to pick up half of my job. I think it will work, actually. Cell phone guy can continue with the analysis part and watch over the email box. The boy has access to the secure AD groups and knows GRS so he can do the RFC's, set up the uninstalls, take care of license transfers for the secure AD groups, stuff like that.

Neither one of them deserve to have this dumped on their laps.

I've set up a meeting tomorrow afternoon for the three of us to sit down and go through my day so we can figure out who does what. The boy wants to flow things out and add headers to my how to's so he knows what to do. He's also got training to do so he can approve the EUSR's.

Lots of overtime from now until Thursday night, and I won't get paid for a cent of it. I'm doing what's right, to leave the boys in the best shape possible. That's all I can do.

Suppose, better get back at it. Asia Pacific finally got us their Acrobat data, so I need to get that in so they can figure out how bad off things are.

Continuing to wait

I don't know what to think or feel at this point with the job situation.

Here's the latest. Yesterday I was asked to put together a detailed list of what I do and how long it takes me to do my job. I mind mapped it all out and the project manager took it to the finance director. Finance director then realized that she can't add another full time job to her cell phone guy that's been helping us out. She wants to see ITAM continue in some form, as does a higher VP. So the finance director asked the project manager for more numbers to take to the higher VP and his council on Monday morning.

There are three options.
1. Hire me at a full time equivalent so I can keep doing what I'm doing and keep this project alive until such time as the computer system is ready to take on asset management. Even then, there will still be plenty of analysis work to do as more applications come online.
2. Hire a contractor to come in and cover for me for the 60 days I have to be out, then let me come back and keep going until I can be hired under the next fiscal year budget.
3. Pare the entire program back. Reconcile licenses once a quarter and call it good until they get hit with another big audit.

So, let's hope that the higher VP sees the value in continuing this program and will pony up the money to hire me.

Had lunch today with one of the gals I've worked with on and off. She's on the accounts team and has helped me with setting up stuff in the GRS system. We talked about the job situation and what she has seen. We also talked about men. I gave her a copy of Keys to the Kingdom and the Conversations. I think she will learn a lot and be able to use the information with the two men that she has feelings for. In return, since she's going to school to become a personal chef, she'll make me dinner some time.

I did tell her about the boy. She understands the attachment. She also agrees that I need to tell him what a blessing he's been in my life. He's going to get copies of several things - all audio since he doesn't have time to read other than his college textbooks (which I've dangled PhotoReading in front of him to help with.)

His situation has taken a turn. His wife was going to turn in her resignation today. She was a database admin at a local grocery chain corporate office. Things are just as crazy there as they are at our workplace, so it was a matter of who reached the breaking point first. They can make it on just one of their salaries, but to be comfortable both need to be working. Plus they both traded vehicles about a month ago - she traded her Mustang for a Cube and he ditched the Focus for a blue HHR.

So, a third weekend of waiting, hoping, wondering. In between all the work I need to do I guess I need to do some more forgiveness worksheets and move some stuff.

Still waiting

Still waiting to find out the final answer as to what is going on.

Had to wait until Wednesday to find out the meeting with the VP went poorly. My boss is about ready to strangle the VP because he was such an idiot from the start of the meeting. He said no money, no program for now, and funding for ITAM is sketchy even at the start of the next fiscal year - next May.

We have one more chance to keep this program going. The finance director realizes that if we shut this down now, its not a good thing. The finance director has pull with the VP that is directly under the CIO, and above the other VP that said no.
We can self fund this program by charging back for the licenses that were bulk purchased in June 2009. That would give us about $750k to fund the program. That could pay for the program for a couple years. Even if we only charge back for part of the licenses, it funds this - specifically me - until next fiscal year when I can be added to the budget as an FTE.

Emotionally it's been a wild week for me. I've been swinging between grieving, being angry, sad, in tears. Ugh.

Went to see Dr. Rory to get my body worked on. His thing last night was attachment. I'm so attached to the outcome of this. Hello? Tell me how to NOT be attached to this. Help me figure out how to de-tach from this.

I get it consciously that my biggest lesson in this whole mess is how to not be attached to the outcome. What I have yet to find is the method, the HOW of not being attached. For all that I have read and done and worked through, I have yet to hear or read an explanation of the mechanics of not being attached that is understandable.

Add to this my skull being out of correct shape, so I've been dealing with headaches. And not sleeping well. Some of that has to do with the cortisone levels in my body being out of whack, so even if I go to bed at 9:30, I'm not falling asleep until 10-10:30, then waking up at 2:30-3.

Two things to try and fix that. Rory recommended a different sleep aid, so I tried that last night. Fell asleep around 10:30, slept straight through until 5:45, then dozed until 6:15. So I'll try that for a while. The other thing is I'm getting my hands on a Brookstone anti-snore pillow.

I know I snore. Both parents had sleep apnea which didn't help their lives any. I've wanted to try this pillow for a while, but haven't been able to find it locally. One showed up in the Classified Ads the company I work for does every Friday. I was the first one to email about it, so I'll pick it up on Monday.

I've got a lot to do this weekend. I need to work, as there was too much I couldn't get done during the week with all the interruptions and not being able to concentrate. Do what I can in the next 10 days, then hope I have several more years to get done what needs to be done.

Waiting...

Waiting... biding my time. I'll find out late tomorrow afternoon whether the VP says yes to hiring me.

Meanwhile, work on what I can. Do a few forgiveness worksheets. Listen to the audio book of Radical Forgiveness I picked up today. Read through Radical Manifestation, see what I can do there.

Whatever happens, I will be fine in the long term. Short term I may be crabby and pissy and missing the boy.

Thinking of him - he's one of the first I want and need to do a forgiveness worksheet on. Forgive him for not being able to love me like I want and need him to. Be grateful he even considers me a friend. I suspect he will be a gateway into many things that I need to forgive and let go of. Start with the easy one and move into the harder stuff.

Finally got word on when my windows will be installed. Right now they are scheduled for September 6 & 7. Somehow I don't think they will start the install on Labor Day. I'm grateful for windows that are solid, rain right, have working weather stripping. I will have to figure something out with the window in my office. Right now I have Gallery Glass on it - fake stained glass that's plastic. I'm not even sure Gallery Glass is still made. If it is, I'll probably do a new design that lets light in and keeps the nosy neighbors out.

Then there's the garage door. I was leaving for my platelet donation and the garage door wouldn't go down. Took at bit of a look at it and the rollers are jumping the tracks. Get home after the donation to take a really close look at it. The door is bowed out, the track on the right is bowed to the right, so the whole door is tilted and unusable. I've got it closed as far as I can go - getting the bike out will be a pain. I already put in an email to the association to get it fixed, see what happens.

One door closes, another opens?

Challenges

Challenges... It's a word the boy is not fond of (understatement), but it describes where I'm at for this moment.

The people in charge of keeping track of contractors like me are telling my boss I've reached my two years as of August 27 and will not allow her to extend me beyond that date. Doesn't matter that losing me now would be one of the biggest disasters for the program, I'm at two years and need to take a 60 day break.

The only way around it is to get me hired. The VP that my boss needs to talk to isn't back in the office until Monday, so she needs to get on his schedule. She needs to convince him that in order to continue taking IT asset management forward and bring this company into the 21st century they need two people hired now. If she goes after two and gets one, it's me. If she gets both, yeah, we get more accomplished.

My boss has talked to this VP previously about setting up ITAM and funding it. He bought into the idea and approved it at the beginning of the fiscal year. We were waiting on the finance director to get over her need for details and approve it as well to go forward with it. She's been stalling over the last couple weeks.

One obstacle in the path: supposedly IT is $2 million over budget right now. Frankly, IT is going to be even more over budget as Win7 rolls out. Technically, hiring me is not in the budget, even though I've already paid not only for the last 83 weeks of employment, I've paid for a couple years worth. What I'm doing ties right in to bringing Win7 in, locking down the environment, locking down what applications are used, keeping the software companies off our case by being properly licensed from the get-go.

Another obstacle is me. Taking the Gamma class reminded me that I have a lot of core beliefs I need to work through. Beliefs about my worthiness, being love-able, abundance, etc.

When I was out and about on Saturday, I picked up Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness. It was a book Dr. Corey and others in the class recommended. Started reading it tonight and am in about 4 chapters. I can see why they so highly recommend it.
The question is, can I work through it fast enough to apply it to this situation? Can I bring peace to myself enough to let this job manifest and happen because I do so deserve it and can continue to make a contribution?

My boss wants me to book extra hours the next couple weeks so I can stay until September 3. That gives me time to pull things together in case we can get another temp in to cover for me until I can come back the end of October.

I am eligible for unemployment this time. It's been over two years since the other job fiasco, so that's cool. I'm looking at getting my writing business up and running to supplement the income as well.

I have faith that this will work out. Somehow, some way, this will work out.

The only question is, do I tell the boy or not? Maybe leave him a letter with instructions to not open it until Christmas - by then we'll know for sure. I feel like I need to let him know the blessings and lessons I've learned from him, with him, the gifts he's unknowingly given me. I've got a couple weeks - and with a little luck that's a letter I won't have to write at all.

Where'd July go?

Aack, August already?

I would say, where do the days go, it's the perception of the passing of time that's the real issue.

What have I been up to? Took another Gamma class this weekend from Dr. Corey Sondrup. This is a repeat of the one I took back in February. This time I just listened, soaked it all in.

Work continues. Had a few wrenches thrown in the works. One of the guys hired put in his two week notice - he got hired full time somewhere else. I'm disappointed but not surprised. Another has been pulled off the licensing project to work on other things so it's down to me and the first gal we hired. She's not the brightest bulb - I need to be very specific with how I want things done, then she will do them correctly. Left to her own devices, the data is a disaster.

To add to the mess, the finance person that is the driving force behind this is now stalling on actually hiring anyone, including me, to make this a permanent thing. I've already shown that in the year and a half I've been working on Project and Visio I've recycled over $1.5 million in licenses, not including what we'll do for Acrobat and other software.

I've got 4 1/2 months left before I'm at 2 years. Technically at 2 years you need to take a 60 day sabbatical, then you can come back. I'm eligible for unemployment at that point, but still...

I need to pull some ideas together for manifesting. I need to manifest the finance person letting go of her (and whoever else is behind it) stalling, buy into the fact that the company needs to do IT asset management and go forward with hiring me. We also need an engineer and I think my boy would be perfect for it. He's done this before and knows what needs to be done. He and I work well together, even if we're butting heads.

Got together with the family the 24th. Met at Bryant Lake Park in Eden Prairie, grilled, had a good time. From there I went to a high school friend's house. Hadn't seen her in at least 8-9 years. She's married and has a 3 year old little boy.

Been going for walks after work. I'm thinking I need to move my walks to the early morning. It's 85 outside with a heat index over 92 degrees and will be worse tomorrow and Wednesday. If I go to bed early tonight, then getting up at 4 to walk won't be so bad. And a whole lot cooler. Walk, shower, then meditate. I think that works.

Get to talk to the boy on occasion. We played tag on the road in one morning, and walked in together. Went for a walk when I got the news the one guy was leaving, and another when word came that hiring me is on hold.
Today he had on a light orange polo. First thing I thought of when I saw him was sherbert, then that he looked like a giant dreamsicle. Delicious, yes, but light orange just doesn't work on him. I'm presuming that's one his wife picked out - bad choice. If he picked it out, then he fully deserves any ribbing he gets about it.

That's things in a nutshell.