Bullet dodged

As I expected, my Pap smear was nothing to worry about. Filling out the paperwork for the OB/GYN took three times longer than the meeting with the doctor.

Yes, some of the cells were a bit unusual. The next step is to then test for the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is a predictor of whether or not the cells that are iffy will turn pre-cancerous or not. I don't have HPV, so no worries. The doctor recommended I come back in a year to get another yearly and take a look at things then if I come back with another abnormal test.

I suspect I would know right away if something truly was wrong. That I didn't panic was my clue.

Now I get to go back to the same location tomorrow to have a mammogram done. Joy. Squished boobs. Painful squished boobs.

Then Friday I get to go see Dr. M for what hopefully will be my discharge from the accident. Now I need to start paying for my own visits again.
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Since the weight doesn't seem to want to move, I'm going to try a kettlebell class at work. It's $80 for 8 weeks of classes at 4:30 on Wednesdays. See if I can adapt things to use milk jugs as weights and play from there.

Also, I'm now on my third Gruve. The second one was defective - it recorded movement when I know there was none. The one I received yesterday is now back in tune with where the first one was. So now I need to get my backside moving and start walking again.

Torchwood moral and ethical issues

Torchwood... what ethical and moral conumdrums that one has raised.

Spoiler warnings: I will be revealing plot secrets, so if you haven't seen it, please skip this post. If you want to see it after reading this, I do have it on my DVR, as I'm recording the encore marathon right now. Otherwise it will be available on BBC America Shop on Tuesday.

There are several ethical and moral questions raised in this five part mini-series. One deals with how we act and react to extraterrestrial alien threats and demands. Another is how government as a whole reacts to the aliens, those entrusted to deal with them, and how that influences their decision. A third is about sacrifice, to quote Spock in Trek IV (or was it III?) the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

First up: how do we act and react to alien life forms, their threats and demands if made? For me, there's no question there is alien life in the universe. The odds are so against there not being other life out there that I have no doubt. Have they made contact with us yet? I suspect they have, many times over the centuries. Some may just be curious about us, others may wish to help us advance technologically or spiritually, others may well see us as the enemy, even though we haven't left our solar system yet. Others will view us as stupid children and treat us as such. In some respects, they wouldn't be far wrong.

How would you react if all the world's children all started chanting the same thing at time? We are coming, we are coming back?

The biggest moral and ethical issue raised in this mini-series deals with the aliens wanting 10% of the world's children, or they wipe out the entire human race. When it's found out that the kids are used as a living recreational drug supply for the aliens, the ethics stakes go even higher.

How would you chose the 10%? As presented, the government officials chose the poorest performing schools. Their reasoning? Those would be the most likely to end up on the dole or in prison, those most likely not to succeed in the world.

There's the catch. If you, as a government official, had the chance to clean out your juvenile detention centers, the poorest of the poor, those that are the biggest monetary drain on society, would you hand them over to an alien, just to get them off your hands? Even if you knew that the children would become living drug supplies for those aliens, and that the aliens would likely be back for more in the future?

I wonder how the Chinese would have gathered their 10%? As it is, parents in China are only supposed to have one child. What do you tell those parents? You've had your one, now give them up? And oh, by the way, no, you can't have any more, either. If there wasn't an uproar before, there would be with that.

I couldn't. I would fight to my dying breath to make sure that 'my' six kids would not be in that 10%. When they were safe, I'd do what I could to make sure no one else was in that 10% either.

The other thing that rankles me is how, in this show, the government treats the people that can best deal with the threat. By eliminating those that know best how to deal, you lose whatever advantage you have. You lose the knowledge base, the expertise that in the end gets you out of the mess. Aargh.

Sacrifice. How far are you willing to go, how many lives are you willing to sacrifice if it means saving the rest of the human race? Are you willing to sacrifice your lover, your best friends, your own child or grandchild if it means the rest will live?

With Torchwood, the adults are cannon fodder, the red shirts. They go in knowing they won't get a long life span. If they don't know, it doesn't take long to find out. The only one who lives is Captain Jack, and that's because he's a fixed point in time and space thanks to Dr. Who.

Jack sacrifices his own grandson to save the rest of the world's children. He wants to find another way, but runs out of time. There is no other choice. And as much as his daughter hates him for taking away her only child, somewhere she understands. His life for all the others. It's not a fair trade. Yes, she can have more, and it's still her first born child.

After all is said and done, the alien threat is over, how do you move on? Can you move on, given how much you have lost, and the grief over each and every death that you may have played any part in? Sounds to me like a major guilt trip in the making.

Do you stay, do you run? Jack chose to run, Gwen stayed. Gwen had hope, both in the form of her marriage to Rhys and in the child she carried. Jack lost almost everything near and dear to him: the hub, Ianto, his daughter and grandson, and all the Torchwood personnel he's lost over the 100+ years he's been working there.

I'm not sure I could stay and cope with that, either. Even with all I know and the resources I have access to, it would be a long time coming out of that guilt trip.

Enough of the rant for now. If watching for the third time gives me any more to rant about, I'll write about it later.

Oh, there is one last thing. If this is the series finale, damn, what a way to go.

Where to start...

Where to start? I've got several topics I want to touch on, so I think I'll briefly mention all of them, then do separate posts on each topic.

First off, I haven't written this week because I've been busy watching Torchwood: Children of Earth. I got hooked on Torchwood (and Primeval) on the BBC over the last couple months. Torchwood ties into the current series of Dr. Who, so there's several pieces fitting together.

Anyway, the Children of Earth miniseries presented some very interesting ethical and moral questions. I'll go more into those in another post. The questions have been haunting my dreams, making me question things.

I've also been watching a lot of Primeval as well. Another interesting show, not near as many moral or ethical dilemmas as Torchwood.

Got enough issues to deal with on my own, thank you. Earlier in the month I went in for the first full physical I've had in three years. The MD left me a voice mail on Friday that my Pap smear came back with some unusual cells and he wants me to get a second opinion with an OB/GYN.

Joy. Another frellin' pelvic exam.

No, I'm not panicking. Far as I'm concerned, nothing to panic about. I say that because my period finished less than 48 hours before I had the Pap smear. Still, get it checked out and make sure.

When I got a massage yesterday, I had the therapist check in on me energetically. She said the area looked cloudy, with grey clouds. Hearing that, I did some checking of my own this morning.

The reproductive system energetically is the seat of creativity, where we literally and physically give birth to things in life. In the past, when I've had really bad cramps and no access to painkillers, I've tried to find out what's causing the cramps. All I got was that my uterus wanted a baby. Not happening...

Now, when I ask, what I get is that I'm denying being a female. Really? How much more unfeminine can you get? I'm not butch, but I'm not a girly girl either. I'm just no-where, not belonging to either or both. Observer and observed, not participating.

So, we'll see when I can get in to the OB/Gyn and go from there. Get the boobs squished and see what they're doing, make a right month of it.

Cleaning

What is it with me and cleaning in July? Last year's cleaning kick started in July, if I remember correctly. Or was it June? That cleaning was a necessary thing, cleaning out the things I didn't want or need in my life.

This time I hope to be cleaning and de-cluttering to make room for something in my life.

Tuesday will be a month since Raini died. It's time to get moving, to start moving on the things that let go when she did.

It wasn't much, but it was something. I hauled out a whole mess of old magazines and catalogs, at least 4-5 trips, plus a couple garbage runs. The third litter box has been dis-assembled, merged into the other two. There's more space on the floor - no carpet skating - so now I need to vacuum to finish the floor.

Cleaning out the old magazines opened up one shelf in my smaller book case. Now I've got more space for all the books in my house.
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Thinking of books, still plowing through Abraham-Hick "Ask and It Is Given." In the back there are 22 ways to help raise your vibration and get back in the flow. One of the ideas that caught my eye was the place mat process.

The place mat process consists of making your to-do list, but with a twist. Divide the paper you're making your list on in two. One side make the list of things you have to do, that only you can do. On the other side, make the Universe's to do list. What are things you'd like to get done but just can't, because there is too much to do? Let the Universe handle it.

The idea is that by listing what you can get done, you've made a change in your vibration. By handing over the the Universe what you can't get done, there's a relief that you no longer have to carry that burden. That relief boosts your vibration.

On Friday, I made myself some copies of this. On one side I put the things I needed to do in the next week, one page for work, one page for home. I put down what I want to get done at work, and all the things I want the Universe to handle when it comes to work. On the one for home, I put down what I wanted to get done here at home, and what I wanted the Universe to handle.

There's another one called the prosperity game. There have been a couple of online versions I've seen before. This one starts out at $1k a day and adding $1k per day. You have to both deposit and spend that amount per day. You can create checks, or use old checks from a closed account, and spend that money. You need to get creative on how to spend it. Maybe it's a remodeling project, where the individual days go for different parts of the project. It could be for getting new appliances, or fixing your vehicle, or making a donation to a food shelf, whatever you want to spend it on.

Which this one, if you started at $1k and added $1k per day, you would deposit and spend over $66 MILLION dollars. What could you do with $66 million? Think about how that would boost your vibration, money wise.

So yes, it's time to start making use of these. Get the juice flowing again, get me back into the flow of joy.

Grants and such

So the search begins to see if I can find some grant money to get me out of this financial hole I've created for myself. I know they are out there, just need to do some research, start applying and see what happens. I'm setting my sights on not only enough to get the siding paid for, but to do the windows and patio door as well, which brings the total up to about $9k. If I could get some extra to re-do my bathroom, re-wire the house so I can put down an electric warming mat in the bathroom, finish what I started with the kitchen remodel, and frame in the space in the living room for a closet, I'd be sitting pretty.

More would get me new carpet throughout. A new dishwasher and stove wouldn't hurt matters any, either. And if I can get some grants, I'll let the association know how I got them, so maybe the association can either go after the grants themselves, or make the info available to other homeowners who are in the same spot I am.
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I am finally done with going through the spreadsheet and licenses to match people up. I'm waiting on people to get back to me, the majority of it is done for the moment.

As expected, out of almost 14k licenses, almost 8k are in use, 5k are open and 1k are waiting to be assigned. We don't need the extra 1900 licenses that were purchased on June 23, so I'm hoping we can finagle a refund on most of that.

We've got places we can use that money. Some can fund my salary and maybe hire another person to help me as we do more software. A big chunk of it can go to help bring Vista into company. We need packagers that can do SCCM packaging, since we've got at least 1500 apps to get done.

My boss told me today they will keep me on after October. Now whether that's as an employee or still as a contractor, not sure. I do want to research how much software asset management people are paid, so I have an idea of the salary range. I want to be in a position of power to negotiate this when it's time.
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Ouch. My body is a bit out of whack after Monday. I rode Chael up to JD's dad's funeral in St. Cloud. Given that gas is $2.21 at my station right now, that's less than $7 to fill up Chael for the 140 mile round trip. In Taez, that would have been 10 gallons, which is a bit out of the budget right now.

What I didn't factor into the cost was how my body would feel after the ride. I stopped in Monticello both up and back to give my hands a rest. I also needed to slam a protein drink around those times, so it worked out.

Getting out of bed yesterday morning was interesting. My left hip and glutes were not happy with me. My seat on Chael is comfortable, just no backrest or leg rest (if I had engine guards, there would be). No way to stretch out or sit comfortably for long periods of time. It was a 90 minute ride each way, not including breaks. More incentive to get the grants to either fix up Chael or get a Spyder or a Goldwing.
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I knew somewhere around the house I had two more Abraham books on the Law of Attraction. Found them tucked behind some other books I'd been reading. I'm going through the one on the Art of Allowing, which seems to be an issue with me. I'm resisting the flow. I don't know how to get out of my own way.

Part of it, I've momentarily forgotten how to dream about what I want in this life. Reading is helping me remember.

Remember that I want a hybrid Tahoe or Escalade. I want my own freestanding home, built either out of a concrete dome or insulated concrete forms. I want a man in my life and all that goes with having a loving partner to do things with, be with. Remember how to focus on what I want so the rest just fades away.

And I live here because...???

I know I've whined previously about where I live, that some days I wish I had not moved in here.

Today's another one of those days. We had an association meeting tonight about new siding for the building. We're looking at $190k for the building and garages. My portion of that as a special assessment comes to $4200 that I would have to come up with by September 15 at the latest.

Part of me wants to be really defeatist about this and just say screw it, let them put a lien against my unit and not fuss about it. Part of me wants to play with the Law of Attraction and see what we could do about bringing that money, plus enough to put in new windows and a patio door as well.

I do have several parties that owe me what it would take to cover all this. One I would have to haul into small claims court and I know she still wouldn't pay up. I doubt she ever had any intention of making the payments. Another is unemployed, so I'm not bugging them. The other two I've written off. Between the four, there's at least $17k I'm owed.

Lesson learned: Never, ever, loan money to friends and family. Never, ever, take loans, either.

Research into window and siding programs is next, I suppose. See if there are any out there that cover those of us living in multiple unit buildings. Or grants, and/or low cost loans, and/or whatever else I can find.

MIA

Missing In Action.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Missing out on the action in my own life.

Life still sucks. I miss Raini. I miss my meditation buddy. I miss hearing her purr and feeling the vibration. I miss her begging for people food and cleaning up my plate after I'd eaten supper. I miss her quiet lap time with me, where we'd just hang out and read or watch TV. I miss having her tucked in between my arm and my body as I go to sleep.

What really sucks is some days it feels like she was never here at all. Just a figment of my imagination. Those days I hate, because I feel like I'm forgetting her already, and it hasn't been three weeks yet.

Yet life goes on. Or not.

I suspect the season of funerals has begun. I've been through this twice before, when many people chose that time to pass back to spirit because they couldn't deal with the changes in the energy. The famous people that have passed in the last couple weeks, Raini, a co-worker's mother, now JD's dad.

It's been a while since the last funeral I attended. That would have been my aunt Bernice a couple years ago. Monday I'm taking Chael up to St. Cloud to be there for J & A and the kids. They have their entire family, his sisters and all of their relatives. Still, it's nice to see a friendly face in the crowd. That I can tell you from experience.

I suppose it's time to get my life back on track, stop being a victim and move on with things. Tell the saboteur and her gremlins to get out of my head and go make someone else's life hell. I created my way into this, I can create my way out of it.

I will make a pit stop to watch Torchwood and Primeval, though, along with Eureka. Gotta have a few distractions to let my head pull abstract stuff together.

Ugh

Why am I writing when I have no idea of what to say? Hoping stream of consciousness will come up with something?

Went in yesterday for my first MD physical in three years. Did the usual, had him check my back since in the past I've badly sunburned my back a couple times. He agreed to have my thyroid levels checked, along with my cholesterol. I'm scheduled to have my first mammogram on the 30th, the day before my health insurance runs out. I'm sure that will come back just fine. Use it as a baseline.

Surprisingly, he agreed with the high protein diet as being the best way to let go of the weight. He, at least, recognizes that carbs are the enemy.

I feel like I've run out of words. Some might call it writer's block. For me who usually has to rein in and not be TMI, this is unusual. My life right now is same stuff, different day, and they all just blur together.

Where to go from here...

Met with Dr. M today. It's been two weeks since the last time I saw him, and my body was feeling it. Between the stress of Raini and a few other things, I've been in some pain. Waking up with some vicious headaches because my neck was out of alignment, ditto knees. Yeah, I was due.

The weight not moving was a topic for today. Kicking to a high protein diet evidently takes the body a while to realize what's going on. I need to give it at least two months for the body to detox, then the weight will start dropping. I know I'm detoxing, given how things are going on with my body. Probably should do a liver and kidney cleanse to help things move along.

My Gruve snapped in two yesterday. The plastic where the clip attaches to the body of the device snapped clean off. Emailed customer service, they are sending me a new one, no charge. They changed the clip to polycarbonate so it's twice as strong. For now, I've got it tucked in the terry cloth wrist band I've been wearing it on at night. The new one should be arriving sometime next week.

Stopped at Lakewinds Co-op in Minnetonka on the way home from Dr. M's. Much easier to get into than the Wedge, lots more parking. Got bee pollen and a few other things I needed. Now if I need something I can stop on the way home from Dr. M's to pick things up.

I am grateful for a three day weekend. I slept in until 5 this morning - usually I've been up between 3:30-4. Today I let be my Saturday in not getting much done. I'll make yogurt and a few other things tomorrow, do some work from home to get my 40 hours in. Sunday I may go for an extended ride, just to do something different and see someplace I haven't been through, even though I've lived in the cities for almost 15 years now.
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The house just seems strange without Raini in it. Hard to believe that a 4 pound cat could make such a difference. The place seems a bit quieter, a bit darker without her here.

Shadow seems to want to spend as much time on my lap as possible. She hisses and growls if I need to move, so her crabbiness has not abated one bit. I have to wonder if her crabbiness has to do with her limping when she does get down - how much pain is she in? She doesn't like me running energy to her, given the growls I get when I do.

Dunno what I'm gonna do with that one. One day at a time.