Shadow

I think Shadow is starting to realize Raini isn't coming home. All of a sudden she's turned klingon, finally coming to sit with me last night, this morning during breakfast and when I got home tonight.

She's also starting to learn to turn down her calls, volume wise, at least when I'm home.

Obviously, not a whole lot going on. I go to work, continue to plow through my spreadsheets seeing how many I can match up. Then I need to work on the policies and procedures for going forward.

If I can reel in some of the 1800 licenses purchased and return them, we'll have some money to do a few things. My boss told me that hiring me is one thing she wants to do. Paying for a developer to put the Access database into SQL would be another. Having a reserve fund for when we outgrown our folder space and need to have our own server. Maybe bringing in another contractor to help with the work. There's a lot we could do with 250-500k.

You would think with all the walking I do, at least 2.5 miles a day at work, would give me energy. It's not. See if the CoQ10 helps, now that I have it back in hand after my last VitaCost order.

I suspect I will be a woman of very few words over the next couple weeks. If I start to whine too much, I expect y'all to call me on it - at least I'll know you're reading.

Broken, shattered...

How many words can I come up with to describe the state of my heart and the emptiness of my soul?

Broken, shattered, splintered, mangled. Hollow, empty, void...

I could use adverbs and adjectives to expand the descriptors above. I suspect all of you know those same feelings in one capacity or another. No need to expound on them.

Even with as shattered as I feel, I do know there is a good side to this. I get to put my heart back together the way I want to, the way my soul wants me to. This time I get to chuck out the crap that no longer serves me. I can even patch in some pieces that are chosen specifically for their long term benefits.

Putting me back together will have to wait for just a little while. I'm tired, exhausted, and it is all catching up with me. Early to bed tonight and let myself sleep in as long as I can this weekend. Naps are OK, too. Rebuilding a strong foundation takes energy and clarity, neither of which I have in the abundance needed for that type of a project.

I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. Shadow still needs to be fed. There's still plenty of work to do. Bills need to be paid, house has to be cleaned. The world doesn't stop just because my life has. I wonder if there ever will be time to just shut out the world and just grieve.

R.I.P. Raini

That dreaded day is here. I had to put Raini to sleep about 11:30 this morning.

She was really listless this morning, wouldn't touch anything food wise. I wasn't feeling the greatest, so I decided to stay home. I'm glad I did.

She sat with me as I did some work, trying to stay ahead of what's going on at work. She couldn't get comfortable, she was weak, just not her usual self. About 10:30-11 she started breathing with her mouth open, and I knew. Called the vet and took her in.

She's been with me since September 1990. I picked her up from a shelter when she was just a tiny little thing. When she was really little, she would sleep curled around my head at night. After I was fired from that job, we moved home with Mom and Dad for a while. Then she would tuck her ribs right into my ear and purr me to sleep at night.

Mom and Dad weren't too pleased to have an indoor cat. Eventually they warmed up to her. We played fetch in the hallway. Yes, she would fetch a ball I threw down the hallway and bring it back to me. She loved playing fetch.

When we moved to Clarkfield, we first lived in an old house, then moved to an apartment above the post office. The stairs up were outside the building, so I would let Raini and Shad run up and down the stairs and chatter at the birds. They knew it was time to come in when I whistled for them.

We survived the Clarkfield tornado on June 16, 1992. I was almost killed twice that night. Raini I found under the bed, Shad somehow made it into a closed drawer that was maybe 2" deep (she was a kitten at the time, not the 15# furball she is now.)



We've moved from Clarkfield to Willmar to Crystal to Plymouth, where we've been for the last 12+ years. She's been with me every step of the way.

During my second suicide attempt, my only real concern was what would happen to Raini and Shadow. Who would take care of them, what would happen to them. That, and Andy's email, kept me here.

Raini has been more than a pet to me. She's been my companion, my friend, given me all the unconditional love she could. Now she's gone over the Rainbow Bridge.

I know she's with me in spirit. I know I'll see her spirit walking when I least expect it.

My heart is breaking. I know in time I'll heal, but I already miss her so much. Her purr, when she'd chatter at the birds

After my meeting this afternoon, I'll take her body down to Paws, Claws and Hooves to have her cremated. It's just ashes that are left, still, it's something of her.

Now I need to clean up her body, take care of things.

My furry angel has earned her wings.

Summer?

It's finally starting to act like summer outside, with temps in the 80's and humidity. Most of the spring has been cold and dry, so I'll take the heat, five days of rain and humidity.

Some days I swear Raini is a stubborn git/kit. The last couple nights she's had episodes of seizures, labored breathing, more peeing on the piddle pads. Yet she refuses to go peacefully into that good night.

I've been looking at the shelter websites, for a cat that resembles the one that came through a couple weeks ago. Right now going the shelter route is out of the budget. There won't be anyone new in the house anytime soon. Try explaining that to Raini...

I've enjoyed working from home the last couple days. I've gotten more work done than I would have at work. I've gotten a few things done around the house because I didn't have to waste 45 minutes in transit each way.

Heard back from the gal that does weight loss coaching. She agrees that there are at least two parts of me that are incongruent on weight loss, so that's what is stopping me. We set up a call for Monday night when I get home from work to see if her work is what will help me. Otherwise it's a trip to my teacher to help me with this one.

Maybe once the yogurt is done, I'll go start Chael up and see if he behaves in a short ride around the neighborhood. I haven't been on him since trying to go see Dr. M a week ago. See if he'll behave today. It's supposed to be in the upper 80's and 90's next week, so being on the bike would be a good thing.

Quick note

Or what I hope will be a quick note, anyway.

Raini is still alive, still peeing in the wrong places at times. Last night, if I had not made her stay on the piddle pad, she could have soaked my bed. Thankfully her butt was on the pad far enough that the pad caught it all. Whew!

She's still not eating and drinking to her previous levels. It's not worth forcing her, so I leave a cat food slurry in two places and hope she eats and drinks.

She's also managed to find a way, despite my best attempts to keep her out, to get under the bed. When I got home tonight, I was able to coax her out without having to physically haul her out. She's spent most of the evening on my lap, until she had to go pee. She did beeline it for the box and made it.

I am ever so grateful for a boss who understands and is willing to let me work from home. I've been loading the main spreadsheet onto my USB drive every night, just in case I need to work from home. The VPN is really slow to load documents, especially when they are 5 meg or larger, which all my spreadsheets are.

Taez is fixed. He's no longer dripping where he was. The radiator stop leak did the trick.
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Things I've been contemplating in between...

I noticed on the way home last night that there's a sign stating 'Dead End' where the road curves to come back to where I live. There is no way to get out, other than to take the loop at the cul de sac and come back out again. What got me is that in some ways, since I moved here more than 12 years ago, is how much of a dead end my life has been. What was once an aspiring career went off track after I moved in. I've seemed to make a mess of many things after moving here.

I would love to get out of here. At this point I need to hang tight until things pick up again, which my guess will be sometime next year at the earliest. I have no clue of where I'll end up after that, but it's got to be better than here.

The other thing bouncing through my head is that my weight seems to be stuck. I'm walking more than 2.25 miles a day, I've upped the protein, I'm eliminating as many carbs as I can, nothing's moving. I don't get it.

Maybe I need to eat more. Another protein shake at 2 pm would help with the mid-afternoon crashes. That would push my second snack to around 4-4:30, which would put supper around 6:30.

I'm also contemplating contacting someone that does weight loss hypnosis. She's the one I took the Photoreading class from. Email her, find out what her rates are, see if I can sneak it into the budget somehow.

Strange tastes

What can I say, I've got a strange cat with strange tastes.

She still won't touch her cat food. She will eat cheese, yogurt and hot dogs. She's not been real good about drinking water, no matter how salty the hot dogs are, so I've taken to giving her water by a plastic syringe. It's small enough to go in her mouth no matter how tight she tries to shut it, and she'll suck down a few CC's at a time.

I've discovered she has been peeing behind the TV. I caught her at it and promptly hauled her butt to the litter box in the bathroom and closed the door until she used the box. Trying to clean up back there will be a treat...

When I haven't been working, I've been reading 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything.' It's a different take on some of the things I learned in therapeutic coaching. I've already had occasion to put it to use.

When I was on my way to see Dr. M yesterday afternoon, I heard something happen in Taez's engine. When I got back out, I noticed a puddle under the front left part of the engine. Wasn't oil, smelled a bit like anti-freeze. Stopped at the Cub right there and got a couple of gallons of distilled water, just in case. Dumped a gallon in and carefully made my way to the O'Reilly's a couple miles from home. Got some radiator stop leak and a gallon of the proper anti-freeze - the orange stuff - to put into him this morning after the engine cooled.

We made it home in one piece. I've already been out to suck out some of the water in the overflow tank and add in more anti-freeze. I checked all the other fluid levels while I had the hood up. Put in the stop leak, now I need to take him for a drive for at least 15-30 minutes for the stop leak to start working.

I also need to check Chael. I originally started out on Chael yesterday. Went to the gas station to put on gas, and when I started him up, something didn't sound right. His engine and tranny weren't shifting to his normal, so we came home, I threw my helmet and jacket in Taez's back seat and away we went. I'll check his engine oil and tranny fluid, see if I can figure out what's going on.

While I was limping Taez home, at first I panicked. I can't afford right now to have both vehicles go down on me. I'm trying to catch up on back association dues, I have to keep some cash handy for when Raini goes so I can pay for her cremation (more in a bit), etc, etc, etc. Finally stopped that train of thought by realizing that I will get through this, some how, some way, I will get through this. Somehow I'll come up with the money to pay for all of this. I'll make it through.

As for Raini's cremation, I did some calling around yesterday. I found a place out in Chanhassen called Paws, Claws and Hooves that does both pet boarding and individual pet cremation. For a cat of Raini's size, it's $150 plus tax. Other places I checked wanted $300 or more. They are open 7 days a week, so when the time comes, I can bring her down there, then go back a couple days later to pick up her remains. That's a huge weight off my mind.

A couple things I've come to realize in the last 24 hours. I need to start the fountain in the wealth corner again, to get things flowing. I need to re-start writing down the things I'm grateful for every night before bed. I've gotten myself into this mess because I stopped doing these kinds of things when I got the job I'm currently in. I didn't plan for the things I wanted next, to maintain what I had gained.

Suppose I better go find Raini, see how she's doing. I need to get groceries and do all the usual weekend stuff I wish I could skip. The gremlins aren't being real helpful right now, so I better get to it.

gifts

Given that Raini barely ate Wednesday night, and wouldn't touch her food yesterday, I asked my boss if I could work from home today, so I could have time to be with Raini. She understands how much Raini means to me and gave me permission. I've got the laptop here, so I'll turn on the wireless, go plunk my butt on my bed, find Raini and spend the day working from there.

Working from home today also allows me to call and start the arrangements for her cremation when the day comes. I don't have to worry about the boys overhearing me, wondering what's going on.

Rain has taken to try and find dark hiding places. I was a mean mommy and put two comforters around the perimeter of the bed so she can't get underneath it. She tried hiding under one of the end tables in the living room. I pulled up the cloth that's on the table so I can see her, but it's still kind of dark. She finally retreated to a two tier hammock I bought for them a couple years ago. As long as I can see her and find her, I'm OK with her semi-hiding.

I understand her retreating. It's a way of giving yourself and people around you distance so when we know what's going to happen, happens, it doesn't hurt so much. I did that when Mom was dying, after her cancer diagnosis. Hell, I'd been pulling away for years before that.

Pulling away doesn't change the grief levels in those who are still living. It may slow down and even twist the grief process. In grieving for Raini, I'll be grieving for Mom and Dad as well, doing all the steps in the right way this time. It's no use skipping the steps, they come back to bite you one way or another.

So, it's that time of the morning. Plug in the wireless, haul the laptop to my room, set up everything else. Then go find Raini and enjoy our workday together. She can't be any more distracting 'in person' then she has been all week.

Time and timing

We talked to the animal communicator tonight (not the one I'm speaking for in July).

We're at a matter of days, possibly a couple weeks before Raini's body gives out. She knows the end is near, just not quite sure what to do when she gets to that point. We'll both know when it's time.

Raini's spirit is still that of when she was 4-5 years old, yet she speaks of her body in past tense. She can't see as well, which bothers her. Her tummy is queasy, which is why she hasn't eaten much the last couple days, except when I hand/spoon feed her, and it has to be soft and soupy.

She's at peace with herself, grateful that we had a chance to clear the air. J had a hard time putting into words all the love, gratitude and devotion Raini feels for me, and she knows how much I love her as well. She wants me to remember the fun we had, the cuddle times we've had, to remember the good stuff and not so much what we're going through right now.

And she does understand when I tell her to go out her heart. She showed J a scene of her on her back, her spirit connected to a parachute coming out of her heart and going up. Funny and sad at the same time. That's my Raini.

Part of what Raini is waiting for is the next cat to come into my life. It's like she wants that one already here before she goes, so I don't have to put up with just Shadow.

Shad's a whole 'nother ball game. If she was human, she might have a split personality, definitely issues with brain chemistry. She's sweet and cuddly one minute, pitching a hissy fit the next. She knows something isn't right, but doesn't know what to do about it. Hence, the frustrating howling at all hours.
If she was human, I could do some coaching with her to help her. As it is... just run energy to her.

My heart is a whole lot lighter right now. I know that she knows how much I love her, and I know how grateful she is for me bringing her home all these years ago. She's not suffering, just dealing with the aches of age, wanting places that are soft and cushy for old bones.

I'll make her as comfortable as I can in the time she has left. That's all I can do.

Life continues

Raini's does, for now. Thankfully June 2nd came and went without her passing.

I'm working on keeping her social. She's taken to sleeping in my office, in a space between a cabinet and the closet door. The last couple nights I've hauled her out to sit with me for a while, first in the office, then out in the living room. When she wanted down, she went to her crate to snooze for a while. When she cried out this morning at 1am, I hauled her into bed with Shadow and me. Took her a while to settle down, she did stay for a couple hours. Meditation this morning was all about Raini - she was on my lap and wanted attention, so she got it. Now I'm typing this with my left hand because my right hand is keeping her steady on my right leg.

I'll take slow and unusual typing if it keeps her happy. It must, she's being a purr monster.
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Spent some time with P today. We worked on some tight muscles, trying to figure out what was causing them to not let go. In between we talked about Good Calories, Bad Calories and how it applies to our lives and food intake.

I am coming to realize how carb sensitive I am, and how sugar addicted I am. When I was grocery shopping yesterday, I bought a package of sugar wafers. One part of me knew that was a bad thing to do on two fronts: wheat and sugar, both of which make the blood sugar spike and insulin spike. Yet another part of me, that I chose to honor, put the package in my cart and proceeded in less than 24 hours to down the whole package.

That was after I read and know to be true that insulin spikes are the root of all metabolic evil in the body. Guess what causes insulin spikes? Carbs, and even the thought of eating can cause insulin spikes. How to control insulin spikes? Lots of protein and fat, little to no carbs. No carbs in the diet, no blood sugar spikes, no insulin spikes.

I'm not going to try to summarize GC, BC here, because my head is still working through the details. I will in the next couple days, because I think it's really important.
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After I finished GC, BC, I picked up 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything' by Neale Donald Walsh. I'm not that far into it, only a couple pages. One of his first things to change is to stop going it alone. He points out that we share our wins and hide our losses. When we most need help, we turn away from it.

Yep, I'll own up to that one. Done it before, several times. I've even bounced people out of my life to not have to deal with their brand of 'help-full-ness'. Logical levels - you can't solve a problem on the same level it was created on. It's hard to get new answers and new perspective from the same old source. You need other people's perspectives and insight to point out new things. That was really evident in our conversation today, and how one piece of info sparked another piece of insight.
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I need to do two things tomorrow, or yet tonight. I need to talk to the animal communicator I worked with previously for Raini and Shad, and find out what's going on in Raini's head and heart. Then I need to find the number for the Echo crematorium and see if they do pet cremations directly, and how much they are.

I really don't want to make the decision to put Raini down. My heart breaks the way it is, when she misses a jump or cries when I pick her up because she's either frightened or in pain. I want her to go out her heart when she's ready, not because she thinks she needs to stay for me.

Losing the furry body that is Raini will be one of the worst heartaches I've experienced, moreso than losing my parents or anyone else in my life. She's been the one source of unconditional love in my life for 19 years, and there is no way to replace that. I'm grateful for everyday she is here, every time I look to make sure she's still breathing, because I want to be holding her when she does go. I want her to know how much I love her and that I was with her at the end.

In some ways, it was easier dealing with Mom's death because I knew what she wanted. It was easy to pull the plug because I knew when I got to her bedside her spirit was already long gone from her body. When her body gave up 12 hours later, it was easy to shut the machines off and help the nurses take the monitors and other equipment off. It was easy to walk away from her body, because her spirit already walked beside me.
Dad was easy, because at the time I still hated him and didn't care what happened. He went relatively quickly, one heart attack on June 16, the second that killed him on September 7.

Raini's not so easy. I don't know what she wants, what she's thinking, how she's feeling. I've told her she can go home at any time, just to go out of her heart so it's quick. It's the lingering that makes it hard.