gifts

Given that Raini barely ate Wednesday night, and wouldn't touch her food yesterday, I asked my boss if I could work from home today, so I could have time to be with Raini. She understands how much Raini means to me and gave me permission. I've got the laptop here, so I'll turn on the wireless, go plunk my butt on my bed, find Raini and spend the day working from there.

Working from home today also allows me to call and start the arrangements for her cremation when the day comes. I don't have to worry about the boys overhearing me, wondering what's going on.

Rain has taken to try and find dark hiding places. I was a mean mommy and put two comforters around the perimeter of the bed so she can't get underneath it. She tried hiding under one of the end tables in the living room. I pulled up the cloth that's on the table so I can see her, but it's still kind of dark. She finally retreated to a two tier hammock I bought for them a couple years ago. As long as I can see her and find her, I'm OK with her semi-hiding.

I understand her retreating. It's a way of giving yourself and people around you distance so when we know what's going to happen, happens, it doesn't hurt so much. I did that when Mom was dying, after her cancer diagnosis. Hell, I'd been pulling away for years before that.

Pulling away doesn't change the grief levels in those who are still living. It may slow down and even twist the grief process. In grieving for Raini, I'll be grieving for Mom and Dad as well, doing all the steps in the right way this time. It's no use skipping the steps, they come back to bite you one way or another.

So, it's that time of the morning. Plug in the wireless, haul the laptop to my room, set up everything else. Then go find Raini and enjoy our workday together. She can't be any more distracting 'in person' then she has been all week.