Been thinking again...

You know it's dangerous when I have time to think.

Yesterday would have been Mom's 84th birthday, which means mine is a month away. Shane and Charlye's fifth or six anniversary.

I go back and forth when it comes to my parents, between hating them and being barely tolerant of what happened. Three people living in a house because they don't quite know what to do otherwise. There was no love in that house, which was why I got rid of it as quickly as I could.

People tell me my parents loved me. I have little proof of that. I rarely heard it, moreso getting the feeling that neither one wanted me or the other one anywhere near them. Not a great example of a loving relationship or how to even have a relationship in the first place.

Relationships are what it comes down to. I was reading the ABC News website the other day about a couple living together who are both high functioning autistics. Each has their own issues, but they are working together on being together.

I've never taken any tests or surveys, but I've wondered how I would place on the autism/Asperger's scale. Most of the time I relish my peace and quiet, of not having anyone else around. I'm not sure how I'd function having another person in my space, even with a dedicated space all my own that the other could not trespass into.

In a business filled with men, there's almost a fear. Fear of the power and yet wanting that power, both physical and otherwise. I'm absolutely afraid to get into a relationship, because I don't feel like I know how to properly react, how to be & do all the social niceties. Like I don't know how to be myself, if I ever knew at all.

What surfaces all this? A couple things, like the article mentioned above. Another is listening all day to a guy that sits in the next row over that sounds in pitch and timbre like Field Tech, but looks like Snape from the Harry Potter movies. Thinking about someone I'd like to get to know better and can't because of presumed rules on client interaction outside of work. The upcoming birthday doesn't help matters any. Hormones don't help much, either.

Too much time for the sub and unconscious minds to play when conscious mind is deep in Excel. There is some good news on that front. As my boss and I were meeting today, going over the numbers I've come up with so far, she mentioned that she has put me into her budget for next fiscal year. She went over her plan with the director, and he didn't outright say no to me being in the budget. That could change, but he's beginning to see I'm an asset to the group in what I'm doing.

As we were talking with one of the guys on the Infra team, explaining what we're trying to do and how what he's doing can help us and him, he brought up taking things up with his higher ups. If they see the need for it, along with the WorkSmart initiative that's going on, then there's a real reason to keep me there.

I've been setting the intention to stay there until Infra is up and running in a couple years. That gives me time to get the copywriting class done, get the business up and running while I've got an income to pay the bills. Meanwhile, I'll get things going by doing resume writing. Prime time to put up some posters in the building where I work, and getting word out to those I work with that I'm available.

I also need some resumes to practice on. So, to you my friends, I'm offering this: If you will allow me to post your re-done resume (hiding all vital info, of course) on my website, I'll do your resume for free. If you like what I do, you can recommend me to others who need to get their resumes done. I'm still hammering out the details in my head, but there may be some referral bonuses as well, both in free yearly updates and maybe even a small cash kickback as well. Leave me a comment if you're interested.

XPC

Huh? XPC?

XPC is a yeast product that for the last 60+ years has been used as an animal food additive. It's been shown in many studies to boost the immune system so they don't have to feed antibiotics all the time.

Here's the fun thing: the people actually working with the yeast culture also don't seem to get sick, either. The company that makes it figured it out because the accounting department pointed out the production plant workers weren't using their sick days.

If you Google Diamond V Mills XPC, you'll find several forums and websites that tout what a difference it's made for people. I found out about it through Dr. David Williams newsletter Alternatives. I'm excited enough about it that I found a local feed store and bought a 50 pound bag of it.

I certainly won't be able to use up 50 pounds any time soon. If the reading convinces you to try it, let me know and I can get you some. I'll pack it up in vacuum bags and go from there.

And yes, I'll keep you in the loop on how I'm feeling as I get the XPC into my system. And the cats as well.

Brain fried

Brain fried was a common term used when I was in therapeutic coaching class. When you're cramming a whole lotta change work in a short time, the brain's neurons can handle only so much before they figuratively fry.

My brain's feeling a bit mushy right now. Between really concentrating on stuff at work and trying to get my body to heal, I feel like I don't have a whole lot of energy left over for me. Just not in a good space right now.

Lots of little things eating at me. Things are going to be really tight the next two weeks financially so I can get the mortgage paid. I paid the association at the beginning of the month to keep them from sending it off to the lawyers, again. That meant I would be behind on the mortgage. Not a big deal, until I screwed something up and pretty much lost an entire paycheck to overdraft fees. If I hadn't screwed that up, I'd be fine, but I did, so here I sit in this pickle.

It's my own damn fault and I'm not about to ask anyone to help bail me out of it. Still, it wears on me.

Brain fried also equals tired. I tried to sleep in this morning, which Raini was not having. When I wasn't out of bed by 5 she came and hollered at me. I tried to go back to sleep, no luck, so I finally got up and meditated and did fall back to sleep.

Dr. M wanted me to start wearing a mouth guard at night to help with the clenching. I finally made time to get one yesterday before I saw him. I fitted it last night and wore it all night and while I was meditating. Too soon to say if it will make any difference.

I wonder how much of this sudden tiredness has to do with the work Dr. M is doing on my low back. Both Tuesday and last night he got both sides of my lumbar spine to release, loudly. I suspect that's loosening up some things I haven't dealt with in a while. Joy.

Raini is also worrying me. When I got home she was in the living room trying to pee with nothing coming out. She didn't want to eat the food I put out, although she did take a couple licks of the honey walnut cream cheese I was having for supper. She did drink and it stayed down.

It's hard, watching her slowly go like this. It would be easier on me if she went quickly. Testing my patience and nerves is never a good idea. When she chooses to go is her choice. All I can do is support her the best I can until then.

Randomness, again

What can I say, mind's all over the place. Blame it on being so deep in Excel all day long that my sub- and unconscious minds have too much time to play.

The data just keep coming. I do believe we're about to get all the data from Microsoft that purchasing got last week. My boss had to get the director involved in order to get purchasing to cough up the spreadsheets.

The director wants really high level, how much is this really going to cost us numbers as soon as possible. That's a little hard to do when you don't have everything you need to give him a clear picture. No matter what we do, it's gonna cost somewhere between $5-10 million to get everyone up to 2007 so we can roll to Vista. If we roll to Vista.

I did sit down with one of the infrastructure guys to put together an Access database. Good thing he knows how to put tables together, because I would not have come up with what he did in less than two hours. Right now, the interface is pretty ugly. However, once I get all the user info put in to the spreadsheet, I can re-configure the spreadsheet to literally cut and paste right into Access. Voila! Instant database.

Now, can I get this going to extend my contract until they have Infra up and running in two years, or to get hired on permanently at a decent wage? I'm putting that intention out there.
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Interesting things have come up in meditation the last couple days. One was a conversation with Mother Earth about letting go of all the crap I have stored up about a certain person. Mother Earth asked me to describe what I felt and thought about the person, and adjectives like black, tar, poisonous, sticky, oily, etc. came up. It tied back to that until I let go of that kind of stuff, my body won't let go of the weight. The weight dilutes the toxins. Let go of the toxins, there's no reason for the weight to stay.

I figuratively threw up the vile bitterness about that person. By the time I was done, it was an oil tank full - like the ones you see on refinery sites. I suspect this is the first of a few of this type of a purge.

The other thing that came up was about money. How does it feel in my body, emotionally, at different amounts of income. Making what I make now feels like poverty, barely making it from paycheck to paycheck. I doubled what my current take home is, let that settle in, noticed how it felt, thought about what I could do with that kind of money. I was up around $400k by the time my CD finished.

It was expansive, to play with that kind of income. What could I do with $5, 10, 20k a month after tax income? What options opened up, who could I help, what difference could I make? I need to play with that more, to see where I become uncomfortable with a large excess of cash. Then I know where my sweet zone is, what I feel comfortable with for an income and shoot for that.

Thoughts

Thoughts are kind of scattered tonight. Lots of things on the brain.

One theme that keeps running through my head is from last Thursday's ep of 11th hour. It was about a woman who was cloning humans. The babies born of the hybrid eggs were then being killed for their organs. The woman behind it was doing the work to save herself from a fatal genetic abnormality.

How far is too far? At heart, I'm still a bit of a scientist, thinking that science is the right way to go. I'm starting to see more and more that, at least when it comes to messing with genetics, we may be going a bit too far.

Plant breeding is one thing. Plants have been cross breeding by pollination since the beginning of plant life. For us to go messing by inserting specific genes for certain things not possible by traditional breeding makes me uneasy. Not so much the playing God factor, more so that we don't know enough about the long term effects because it hasn't been around long enough.

Look at some of the different 'wonder' chemicals we've cooked up in our past. Some of the pesticides that have almost wiped out entire species, or CFC's. Of course, my brain isn't calling up the names at the moment, but some of you may be old enough to remember some of those disasters. Or the more recent one with BPA in water bottles.

In some ways, the simpler ways are better. Simpler, unfortunately, isn't always a money maker, and in a country where the all-mighty dollar rules, people get hurt.

I think of my own exposure to farm chemicals. Let's see... Fell face first into a hog trough of diesel fuel at 4 years old. Exposed to cleaning solvents, hydrolic fluid and more in the tractor repair shop from ages 5-18. Purposefully sprayed with Basagran by my father when I was 17. Sprayed weeds with Roundup on the bean bar most of my teen years, unprotected. There's more, but my brain is not cooperating tonight.

Think about all that stuff that's stored in my fat cells. As I let go of this weight, what's stored is going to come back out as the cells shrink. It's gonna be interesting to see how it plays out.

Anyway, back to the cloning. Am I against all cloning? Starting to edge that way. If you can coax stem cells into creating a body part without having to kill a human or animal when the part is ready, I'm OK with that. I think that as time goes on and people come to really recognize that the human energy field exists and can direct how bodies can grow and heal, that's the way to go.

I've heard of naturally based products helping grow back fingers that have been cut off at the first knuckle. I know what energy work can do to help a body heal. We need to join forces with science, suspend disbelief and try some experiments. Edison failed 1,000 times before he got the incandescent light bulb right. He got the feedback and made use of it until his idea worked.

We need to be willing to try.

The other thing was bugging me is Heroes. I'm not sure I like this new story arc, with Nathan leading a government task force to round everyone with abilities up. It's too much like a modern day rounding up of the Jews, to commit genocide against a segment of people that really aren't that different from us.

Talk about fear and trying to stop evolution. There was an article in New Scientist a while back asking if we have stopped evolving as a species. As long as fear rules, yes, we've stopped and even gone backwards. Only when we wake up, see that there's more to our lives than just getting up, going to work, coming home and going to bed, only to repeat that cycle every day of our lives, can we have the courage to start evolving again.

Hmmm...

Where to start? Dr. M and the jaw issues? Work? Dunno.

One good thing to note: I got my Gruve yesterday. Remember, the accelerometer that measures almost all the calories you burn because it does the X, Y and Z axis? Yes, they finally came yesterday. Auspicious day to begin, don't you think?

Anyway, charged it up and have been wearing it since, except for when I sleep. Unfortunately, they don't have the Mac version of the app ready yet, but they are working on it. I can upload from work, since it requires a PC. It does store data for 30 days, so if I can't get to a PC, it will be OK.
I suppose, push comes to shove, I can give in, get Bootcamp so I can actually load Windoz on my Mac (try to see if a PC can run Mac OS X - no can do), then I can deal with the Gruve here at home.

The goal with the Gruve and the whole Muve program is to gradually ramp you up in Non-Exercize Active Thermogenesis or NEAT. Basically they want you to walk to get your body moving. It starts at 10 minutes three times a day and goes up to 20 or more minutes three times a day.

I, of course, am going to throw a monkey wrench in that one. I'm going back to my PACE program and do that in the morning, then take walks at 10 and 3, possibly on the lunch hour as well.

The first week wearing it is a freebie. The company wants us to go about life as we normally do so they can see what the baseline is. Then we start ramping it up to subtract 500 calories a day from what we are doing now. That 500 calories can be from a combination of less food and more activity.

I'll keep y'all posted on how things are going.
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Dr. M - love him or hate him, he does put the body back to rights.

This jaw thing has continued all week. He told me that my jaw had been skewed to the right since Tuesday, so it's no wonder my face hurt. Having him work on it was more painful than usual because not only did he want me to bite, he also wanted the jaw moved side to side as he poked. Not easy to do with as much pressure as he was using.

Chewing hard stuff still hurts like hell, and chewing gum is out of the question. I may be doing a liquid diet for a few days to give this thing time to calm down.
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Taez has his oil change, so he's happy. Got quotes on how much it would cost for a front end alignment ($70) and to replace the power steering hose ($150). Perhaps when the cash rent check comes I'll get those things taken care of. I need Taez to keep running, cause I'm not about to ride Chael in the winter.

Although, I did see a guy on a bike with a side car out and about one morning a week or so ago. I remember reading about him in a cycle newspaper a couple years ago. It's a Russian made bike, so it's made to be ridden in the winter. The side car gives him stability with the third wheel and extra weight. Good for him for riding, I'm just not up to doing that in the winter. Forty above is about as cold of weather that I want to ride in.
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What to say about work... Well, it's nice to have a boss that I see eye to eye with on the really important stuff. She agrees with me it's time to be doing what is right, not what's easy.

There's a gal in purchasing we're trying to get data from to make sure we account for all licenses bought from all sources. She's unwilling to let us have the data. I told my boss I have no problems going above her head to get what we need, and she agreed. Our endgame is the same, stop trying to protect your territory because it only hurts you in the end.

Then there's the whole horror story with the Vista rollout. Frankly, not near enough testing has been done with all the legacy systems. There are known incompatabilities with some stuff that if we lose that data, the FDA and several other government agencies will be at our throats in no time flat.

People are being stupid, playing politics, trying to protect their territory. They are also hiding what is going on from the VP pool at the top, although there are rumors that there's a lot of bickering at the top about Vista as well.

The IT department is at a place where they need to do what's right. Quit putting bandages on stuff, fix it correctly so going forward doesn't break the system. Bring the lagging software either up to compatability with Vista or end up putting it on a Citrix box so it can run in it's own contained environment. And most of all, the top people need to talk to the people on the front lines actually dealing with this stuff to find out what the hell is going on in the first place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: command structure has it's place. There are also times when you need to scrap that structure and put everyone on a level playing field. Command structure is choking this company and could create an IT catastrophy they may never recover from. What will it take before people wake up and see what is happening, a total IT meltdown? Probably.

Sometimes it's good to be a contractor.
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Got yogurt on the stove and a sink full of dishes to do. I need to find some recipes for stuff I can make up ahead for supper, like I do for lunch. I'm feeling in the mood for sweet potatoes... Perhaps something like the camponata recipe I have, which is roasted veggies. Go heavy on the sweet potatoes, add in some beets and other root veggies, then toss in some lentils and other beans for some protein.
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Yes, it's Valentines Day. Bah humbug.

Perhaps I'll make a cake for myself, or some brownies. Something sweet and delicious.

Owwwrrrrrrgggg

Ya know, if I'd been in a fight lately, I could understand my jaw hurting like it does. The right side of my jaw has been pain-full since Dr. M worked on it last Friday, and whatever he did last night didn't help any. He thinks it's muscle tension, that I'm clenching my jaw when I'm concentrating at work and when I sleep at night. Even went so far as to suggest I get one of those boil and bite mouthguards to help with the clenching.

With that in mind, I've been stretching my mouth as far open as it will go from time to time. I've even been working the pressure points along the muscle to loosen it up. Still hurts like someone clocked me. It comes and goes, so I'm not sure what's triggering the pain. Suppose I'll be on pain killers for a while. Grrr.

Work, well... what can I say. My boss sat down with the director Friday night to find out what the true end game is. We're kind of on the right track, now that I went and had data pulled from when we started working with the current software vendor, back in 1993. We're also supposed to be working with purchasing and Microsoft to get the true numbers.

He does still want names matched to licenses. Going back to 1993 opens up the range significantly, so we're at 5k for Project licenses and 7.6k for Visio. That puts us in better numbers than previously, so we're only 6k out of license. Still, sucks to be those that don't have a license.

My boss and I are going to hole up again tomorrow, see if we can't work through this, come up with a plan. This one will include the end game of moving this into Infra and maintain it along the way.

On the fun side of things, looks like I volunteered myself to become a beta reader over on FanFiction.net. There's a SG-1/Sanctuary crossover that's got a good start, but the spelling, punctuation, grammar and phrasing absolutely suck. Turns out the writer's second language is English, so he's pretty clueless about all that.

One thing I am is a good writer and proofreader, along with being a walking dictionary. If I can help him better his English while cleaning up his story, it will make his future stories better.

hiding

Yes, I've been off the boards a bit. Too tired to think, frankly.

So... I think we've found an easier way to strip out email addresses from the global distribution list. I haven't actually tried it yet, but my boss has and she's happy with it.

The survey thing has been driving us both nuts. You really need to look at the results as you go to see how the survey collects the data. If it doesn't maintain line integrity, then it's worthless to me. We've tried 4-5 different formats and I think found one that will work. Probably send that out on Tuesday to the remaining list, again, to get their responses.

The scope of this keeps expanding as well. We really need to sit down with the director and find out what the hell he really wants out of this project. I don't believe he's been forthright with us about that, hence the ever growing size of this and the inability to truly track down what we need.

My body has been in slow motion this weekend. I slept in yesterday, wanted to nod off during the afternoon despite the vinegar. Today I barely have the energy to get moving. Got soup to make, clothes to wash, the usual home necessities that keep this place running.

I do have a few ideas brewing in the back of my head I may need your assistance with in the next couple weeks, so I'll let you know when that pops.

Windoz

I knew there was a reason I hate Windows, the OS. Lousy piece of crap.

So, last Friday I sent out all those emails. Now it's time to strip all the ones that took the survey out of the email distribution list before I send it out again. So far, I haven't found an easy way to do it other than one by one, flipping back and forth between the two lists. That's what has eaten my last two days, trying to do that.

And showing my boss that the survey we created didn't do such a great job at collecting answers. We may have to scrap the first survey and start over again, because the results we really need aren't matching up with the names, ie the survey was designed wrong.

Oh well. Murphy's law had gone and made a mess of the first round. We'll figure it out and try again.

The experiment with the apple cider vinegar continues. The afternoons are flying by with no sugar crash. No comments about the vinegar smell, either.

Now if I can get rid of this crap in my chest that's making me cough, I'll be doing really good.

And so it begins

Well, today was both worse and better than I thought it would be. There were over 250 emails in the box that need answering, mostly with where and how to find their PO. The other is that when I pulled data from the survey at 5 tonight, almost 2100 people had responded, out of 3800 emails sent.

Tomorrow I have to go through the emails and take them out of the distribution list. When I finish that, the next round of email can go out.

Most of the comments so far have been pretty even. There's been a couple snarky comebacks, do you realize what a waste of time this is, etc. Most of those I left until tomorrow when I'm in a better mood right off the bat and can be sweeter than sweet to their snarkyness.

The day went fast, cutting and pasting answers between dealing with the really slow people who couldn't find their PO if it was handed to them. I expect tomorrow will be much the same.

One thing I didn't do today was a blood sugar crash after lunch. Been reading through some material I received on alternative treatments for everything from asthma to herpes zoster (aka chicken pox and shingles). One of the things they recommended for diabetics or anyone who suffers from a post meal nap attack due to crashing blood sugar is 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in 8 ounces of water before you eat.

Studies have been done that show the 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, either straight or in water, before a meal help even out blood sugar spikes at one, two and three hours after a meal. No one is quite sure what the key ingredient is that steadies the blood sugar, but it works.

For me, so far for the couple days I've been using it, it works. I didn't crash after lunch today, which I did previously eating the same meal I had today (frozen leftovers of my last chicken risotto). The week I had risotto every day, between 1:30 to 2:30 I had a hard time staying awake, even if my head was deep in Excel or whatever I was doing. Foggy headed, too. Not today.

When I get a break (HA!) I'm going to scan the articles into a PDF document. If you want them, drop me a line and I'll email them to you.

Now, if I can just sleep straight through the night, I'll be doing good.

Photoreading

Today was the brush up on Photoreading.

What's Photoreading? It's a way to tap into your unconscious mind's ability to take in 10 million bits of information a second, unlike your conscious mind's ability to take in 7+/-2 bits per second. Let your unconscious mind do the work in a much faster and easier way than plodding through like we were taught in elementary school.

Today was a review, for me, of how to do the postview and the activation of what I've Photoread. I've Photoread my copywriting book at least five times, but I still haven't activated it yet. Now I'll take the time to go back and do the postview, see what tickles my brain, then activate what I've learned. Maybe I'll go through and rapid read the whole thing, or super read and dip, or skitter through it.

And maybe I'll just Photoread the whole thing again, then go back through the postview and activation. Main thing is, I was reminded of how to properly do the method.

The review was held because P missed most of her second day when she took the class back in November. Her father-in-law had some health conditions come up, so she missed the day. She got to complete the course, and a couple of us got to review. Good timing.

I know the co-creator of the course will be teaching in the Cities in April. See if I can get in on the class, get it straight from the horses mouth about how he does it.
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Kinda overdid it on the cleaning yesterday. I hauled out garbage and recycling using the cart, but the vacuuming was what put my back into spasms. Thankfully I had a massage planned for after the cleaning, which helped calm the back down.

The cleaning is done for now, won't have to do that again for a while.
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Tomorrow will be interesting at work. Pull the data from the survey, see what we have there. Take a look at all the email and voice mails, see if we can find a common thread and answer the questions in the next email that goes out on Tuesday.

What did we do right, what can we do better the next time?