Inquire within, indeed

It's been a week of rude wake up calls for me.

Thursday the project manager for the IT asset management team called me into a private meeting. The VP that fubar'd the Vista project has green lighted and fast tracked moving ITAM into it's own sub-department of my boss's department. They want to hire 4-5 people and have it running by the end of July.

The PM and I, however, have had some issues. She sees me as having a chip on my shoulder and that I'm withholding information. To me, she's coming off like the boss from my last job, setting me up for failure. She says she wants me to be the data analyst on the team, since I've been doing it for a year and a half and know what's going on. That is, if I'm willing to open up and essentially do things her way, to follow command structure.

I'm at a choice point. Do I want to continue working this job? I like the company, the ideals, and most of the team I work with. The boy also helps.

The biggest question is, do I want to work through what is causing me to hold back info, or do I want to leave and start over again?

I finally snagged some time with my boss Friday afternoon. We talked for 2 hours about what's going on, what's causing me to hold back info, that I don't trust the PM to do the right thing. A lot of this comes down to trusting management to do the right thing, to know what they are doing. I also need to trust myself to question them when things don't seem right.

Called P Thursday night. Interesting issues with the phones caused some issues at first. (Hmm... communication issues with land lines...) Finally connected on a clear line and talked out what's going on. Mirrors and shadows. The PM and I are reflecting to each other things we need to work on in ourselves. In my case, I'm the one sabotaging myself by consciously holding back info. I'm aware of it now, and of how she pokes my buttons. How do I make her aware of this concept and work through it?

Friday night I get home and I can't get into the garage. The association locked me out because I'm behind on my association dues. So my motorcycle is sitting outside right now. I'm going to leave a note on the door to see if the guy I share the garage with will at least give me my motorcycle cover so I don't have to go buy a new one. It's supposed to rain this afternoon and a couple days this week. Last thing I want is Chael wet if I can avoid it.

Then I get a letter from the association about the siding project. They have managed to knock down the pricing on the siding to a more reasonable level. But they need the money by July 1. If I want new windows and patio door, that money has to be in by June 11.

Given those dollar amounts and what I owe in association dues, I'm going to see if I can get a loan on my land to pay for all this and a couple other things. I have a couple medical bills from last summer and Chael needs some work. The land is worth more than 30 times the loan I would be asking for. I think my credit union at home will let me do that, then roll it into the other loan I have on the land when that one comes due for a balloon payment.

The last rude awakening was yesterday morning. I went to Bristlecone yesterday morning for the Bundle testing. Given my family history and my own history of being overweight, I've been insulin resistant for years. I'm at a much higher risk of cancer, etc, than I thought.

My hormones are way out of whack. We'll find out just how out of whack with a few tests. The bundle isn't cheap. With the additional testing I need, I'm looking at over $900 to start. Ouch. My health and longevity are worth the expense now.

Thing is, I'm addicted to sugar. And sugar withdrawl can be just as bad as coming off caffeine, nicotine and hard drugs. This will be going on at the same time the PM is trying to decide if I'm hired or not.

I've weathered other storms, I can get through this one.

Ch ch ch changes...

Lots of changes going on.

The last aunt on my mom's side died two weeks ago, and her funeral was on the 14th. Went to the funeral, caught up with the cousins that came. For all of us, we're now the oldest generation. We're the grandparents (and great aunts), the ones the kids look up to. The ones that hold the family together.

When I mentioned that to the cousins, it was a shocking realization to them. We are now Grandma Beck. My oldest brother is now the oldest cousin at 68. It may be another 10 to 20 years before this generation starts dying off. Still... It's a shift I'm not sure any of us were ready to make.

I'm the only one out of the 13 of us that doesn't have kids. I'm the youngest by 12 years. I was also the first to lose both parents.

It's an adjustment.

Add to that for me personally trying to let go of the boy. It's been a conscious thing on my part. I'm making the effort to not look at his schedule every day, or to keep track of him via IM, or to look at his desk when I make a trip to the rest room. I've only stopped by his cube twice this week to talk, both business related. The second one did turn into a discussion about martial arts and weight lifting. It was Friday afternoon at 4 so I wasn't too concerned.

It's hard. Something is eating at him. When I talked to him on Wednesday, he admitted he was deflated, and his body and energy showed it. I wonder how much of it has to do with what's going on at home. He's not driving his Focus, he's been driving the Blazer, so I'm wondering if he sold the Focus. I'm also wondering if he sold his motorcycle, because I haven't seen it when I've ridden. I can tell the days he rides because he wears a specific pair of boots, rather than his tennies.

He also admitted he needed some alone time. He said he was about ready to tell the wife to pack up the kids and go see Grandma so he could get some work done. Given there are seven people in the house, there can't be much alone time other than when he's staring at the inside of his eyelids. I ran across a meditation I'm going to make a copy of for him about alone time, encourage him to start scheduling some time by themselves.

He also gave me back the copy of Celestine I'd given him. Actually, he put it on my desk the Friday I was out at the funeral. So I wrote a note, tucked it in the book and put it back on his desk when he was out Thursday. When I talked to him Friday, he gave it back saying he was cleaning up his desk in preparation for doing remote workplace. He had already taken some stuff home, and was taking more home that night.
His reason for giving it back was that he just doesn't have time to read it now, given his college homework, trying to finish up his degree, and all the stuff going on at home. He said he will ask for it back when he has time to read.

The other adjustment in my life is realizing how insulin resistant my body has become. When I kicked over to the body builders diet, I told the trainer that the carbs were too high, and it turns out I was right. The amount of carbs has driven my body into insulin resistance. No wonder I stopped losing weight.

Now that I've had that aha, I've moved back to my high protein, very low carb diet. I've moved back to six meals a day and will work back to five. I've also changed my workouts to three days lifting/cardio/stretching and two days cardio/stretching. I gained almost a pound and a half of muscle this week. I've also noticed I'm not so moody or down.

I'm looking at a couple of online places that have supplements to help change the insulin resistance and get my hormones back into balance so I can let go of the weight, get my adrenals straightened out and stop the periomenopause symptoms. There's a place locally called Bristlecone Fitness that has success turning back pre-diabetic clients. It's not cheap - P said her bundle was $800. I just don't have that at the moment since I'm not allowed to do more than 5 hours of overtime a week. I've emailed them to see if they would let me do some payments ahead, then do the testing and their BOB diet. See what they say. If they are willing to work with me, I'm willing to do it.

Yeah...

What's been happening this week? A near meltdown on Friday resulting in a trip to Dr. Rory.

There is a lot of energetic shifting going on in the universe right now. Given that I'm a kinesthetic empath, I pick up on that and it amplifies what's going on in my own body. Whatever is out of whack get cranked up to a 20 on a 10 scale.

I started noticing it Wednesday night. I was doing dishes and was just stuck and in tears. Got through Thursday, but again Thursday night I was in and out of tears and ended up crying myself to sleep. Friday morning I was an utter disaster, in and out of tears on the way to work, in tears several times at my desk. Had a couple of encounters with the boy that were tense at best, bordering on when we were bickering in early March. I called to see if I could get in to see either Dr. Rory or Dr. Mike, Rory was open at 3 so I took the appointment. While I was working I made a list of all the stuff that was bugging me: an emotional wreck, the depression was overwhelming me, I'd been up several times with nightmares, gained and lost the same pound for six weeks, etc.

Rory read the list and said what a breakthrough. I'm looking at him, what are you talking about? The shadow, the ego is trying to squash the joy in our lives. I was so caught up in the pain that I couldn't see anything outside of it. Rory shifted the energy for me, reminded me about what I needed to know, being flexible and flowing. He suggested a glass of red wine when I got home and to just relax and be this weekend.

So that's what I've done. Cracked open a bottle of Bella Sera 2007 merlot - nice and smooth right out of the bottle. Sat down with a glass and some chocolate and watched TV Friday night. Yesterday I went to self defense class, came home and watched Avatar - The Last Airbender cartoon. Then I went to Best Buy to spend the $30 in gift cards I got for filling out a survey, picked up two martial arts DVD's that have six movies on each. Don't know if they are any good, but something to watch and pick up moves from.

The whole martial arts and eastern ways are coming back into my life again. During class things started to make sense yesterday. I could see the applications for what Eric was teaching us. I didn't have to think about it, the movements just fit.
I want to sit down yet today and make some notes on the various things Eric has been teaching us. The 12 elbows, the handwashing variations, the footwork. Start a list to practice on Monday and Friday nights when the floor is open in the wellness center and things to work on here at home.

Avatar - The Last Airbender is something the boy turned me on to. He and his 10 year old daughter have been watching it and are waiting for the movie to come out in July. I've been looking for it on Nickelodean, not realizing the cable company had a second Nick station. That's where I found it Friday night. I watched an hour yesterday morning, then caught three eps in the afternoon. Caught two more this morning, another three are on in a half hour.
I'll get the lessons I need from them.

Tabby and AB are doing OK. Tabby is starting to loosen up. She will now come out and eat when I'm home. She'll even come so far as to duck under the desk behind my recliner and watch me from there at night.

I'm starting to wonder if she's partially deaf, given her blue eyes. I say that because there have been a couple times in the middle of the night where I've walked into the bathroom, she's been using the litter box and I've completely spooked her. I've also been in the kitchen working away, she come out to eat and didn't hear me walking right up behind her or making noise to get her attention. That might explain why it's taken her so long to warm up - if she can't hear, or hears very little, she's constantly on guard.

I do need to catch her, soon. I haven't clipped her toenails in a while. I know how long they were when I brought her home, so I suspect they need clipping. One thing at a time.

Starting over

Some days I'm wondering if I should just scrap everything and start over again.

Today was one of those mornings. I've had moments lately where I feel like I'm barely surviving, which means I have no room to thrive. How can I get out of the mess I'm in when I can barely keep my head above water? And why isn't anyone else seeing me floundering?

People don't see me flounder because I'm too good at covering up. If I hide it from myself, no one else sees it either. People around me were clueless when I attempted suicide the second time. No, I'm not there, but it feels close.

I'm missing a lot of the basics. What do people do to get through the day, all the little things and decisions that they do without thinking because it's part of their basic routine. Like re-learning how to live after being in a metaphorical wreck, what are all the things that have to happen to make life work?

I've started an Excel spreadsheet with daily, weekly, monthly, semi-annual, yearly and other to do's. Across the top are the days of the month. I'll leave enough room in the boxes to write in how long I did something or to check it off the list. Highlight the weekends so I know those days I don't have to go to work or I do need to go to my martial arts class.

What's prompting this? I've got a voice mail from a creditor from Wednesday I still haven't picked up. I haven't picked up my mail in 5 weeks. Coming home Friday night I looked at the neighborhood through the boy's eyes instead of my own and realized I live in the slums. My house is a disaster, I haven't cleaned or picked up in months. I've been doing my weight lifting, cardio and eating right and I've been stuck gaining and losing the same pound for 5 weeks.

The other thing that set me off was wondering what I'll say to the boy if he ever figures it out and has the courage to ask. Part of me wants to be honest with him, part of me wants to hide it. We've been honest with each other so far...
There are three things that play into this: what I want, what I need, and what I expect. I want all of him: the lover, the fighter; the domestic, the wild side; the son, brother, father, friend; the vulnerable and strong; stone cold sober and drunk off his ass (he's never been drunk in his life...); calm and full blown rage; athlete and couch potato; teacher and student.
What I need from him, if he ever figures it out, is his patience, kindness and forgiveness. Patience with me to let me work this out of my system, to get the lessons I need from him and move on. Kindness to not notice if I slip, and forgiveness if I hurt or embarrass him.
What I expect... is what I've gotten in the past. To be ignored, told I'm not good enough, told that how could I ever expect someone like him to ever care about someone as ugly and unloveable as I am. I've heard these words exactly or in some variation from just about every male I've ever cared about from my father on. The only men in my life I haven' heard it from are Kyle, John and Jack, Dr. Mike, Dr. Rory and him, so far.

Someone on Facebook posted about Spokeo.com. It's a site that gathers info available from open sources on the web about you. The entry about me was relatively accurate - my astrological sign was wrong, as were a couple minor details. Yes, I looked him and his wife up. Accurate for the most part from what I know, there were some things I questioned.

It also got me thinking if that's the life I want to live. Knowing how much I don't like gardening because it's too much like farm work, would I have the patience and energy to keep up a landscape? Or would I come up with the money to pay someone else to do it? I've never wanted kids of my own - could I deal with his 10 year old daughter, the late teen daughter that's given him his first grandson, and his 22 year old son who still lives at home. Given the deer in the headlights look I get when I bring up energy work or other things that make my heart sing, could I deal with him not being awake enough to understand?

Lots to contemplate.