Starting over

Some days I'm wondering if I should just scrap everything and start over again.

Today was one of those mornings. I've had moments lately where I feel like I'm barely surviving, which means I have no room to thrive. How can I get out of the mess I'm in when I can barely keep my head above water? And why isn't anyone else seeing me floundering?

People don't see me flounder because I'm too good at covering up. If I hide it from myself, no one else sees it either. People around me were clueless when I attempted suicide the second time. No, I'm not there, but it feels close.

I'm missing a lot of the basics. What do people do to get through the day, all the little things and decisions that they do without thinking because it's part of their basic routine. Like re-learning how to live after being in a metaphorical wreck, what are all the things that have to happen to make life work?

I've started an Excel spreadsheet with daily, weekly, monthly, semi-annual, yearly and other to do's. Across the top are the days of the month. I'll leave enough room in the boxes to write in how long I did something or to check it off the list. Highlight the weekends so I know those days I don't have to go to work or I do need to go to my martial arts class.

What's prompting this? I've got a voice mail from a creditor from Wednesday I still haven't picked up. I haven't picked up my mail in 5 weeks. Coming home Friday night I looked at the neighborhood through the boy's eyes instead of my own and realized I live in the slums. My house is a disaster, I haven't cleaned or picked up in months. I've been doing my weight lifting, cardio and eating right and I've been stuck gaining and losing the same pound for 5 weeks.

The other thing that set me off was wondering what I'll say to the boy if he ever figures it out and has the courage to ask. Part of me wants to be honest with him, part of me wants to hide it. We've been honest with each other so far...
There are three things that play into this: what I want, what I need, and what I expect. I want all of him: the lover, the fighter; the domestic, the wild side; the son, brother, father, friend; the vulnerable and strong; stone cold sober and drunk off his ass (he's never been drunk in his life...); calm and full blown rage; athlete and couch potato; teacher and student.
What I need from him, if he ever figures it out, is his patience, kindness and forgiveness. Patience with me to let me work this out of my system, to get the lessons I need from him and move on. Kindness to not notice if I slip, and forgiveness if I hurt or embarrass him.
What I expect... is what I've gotten in the past. To be ignored, told I'm not good enough, told that how could I ever expect someone like him to ever care about someone as ugly and unloveable as I am. I've heard these words exactly or in some variation from just about every male I've ever cared about from my father on. The only men in my life I haven' heard it from are Kyle, John and Jack, Dr. Mike, Dr. Rory and him, so far.

Someone on Facebook posted about Spokeo.com. It's a site that gathers info available from open sources on the web about you. The entry about me was relatively accurate - my astrological sign was wrong, as were a couple minor details. Yes, I looked him and his wife up. Accurate for the most part from what I know, there were some things I questioned.

It also got me thinking if that's the life I want to live. Knowing how much I don't like gardening because it's too much like farm work, would I have the patience and energy to keep up a landscape? Or would I come up with the money to pay someone else to do it? I've never wanted kids of my own - could I deal with his 10 year old daughter, the late teen daughter that's given him his first grandson, and his 22 year old son who still lives at home. Given the deer in the headlights look I get when I bring up energy work or other things that make my heart sing, could I deal with him not being awake enough to understand?

Lots to contemplate.