Been thinking again...

You know it's dangerous when I have time to think.

Yesterday would have been Mom's 84th birthday, which means mine is a month away. Shane and Charlye's fifth or six anniversary.

I go back and forth when it comes to my parents, between hating them and being barely tolerant of what happened. Three people living in a house because they don't quite know what to do otherwise. There was no love in that house, which was why I got rid of it as quickly as I could.

People tell me my parents loved me. I have little proof of that. I rarely heard it, moreso getting the feeling that neither one wanted me or the other one anywhere near them. Not a great example of a loving relationship or how to even have a relationship in the first place.

Relationships are what it comes down to. I was reading the ABC News website the other day about a couple living together who are both high functioning autistics. Each has their own issues, but they are working together on being together.

I've never taken any tests or surveys, but I've wondered how I would place on the autism/Asperger's scale. Most of the time I relish my peace and quiet, of not having anyone else around. I'm not sure how I'd function having another person in my space, even with a dedicated space all my own that the other could not trespass into.

In a business filled with men, there's almost a fear. Fear of the power and yet wanting that power, both physical and otherwise. I'm absolutely afraid to get into a relationship, because I don't feel like I know how to properly react, how to be & do all the social niceties. Like I don't know how to be myself, if I ever knew at all.

What surfaces all this? A couple things, like the article mentioned above. Another is listening all day to a guy that sits in the next row over that sounds in pitch and timbre like Field Tech, but looks like Snape from the Harry Potter movies. Thinking about someone I'd like to get to know better and can't because of presumed rules on client interaction outside of work. The upcoming birthday doesn't help matters any. Hormones don't help much, either.

Too much time for the sub and unconscious minds to play when conscious mind is deep in Excel. There is some good news on that front. As my boss and I were meeting today, going over the numbers I've come up with so far, she mentioned that she has put me into her budget for next fiscal year. She went over her plan with the director, and he didn't outright say no to me being in the budget. That could change, but he's beginning to see I'm an asset to the group in what I'm doing.

As we were talking with one of the guys on the Infra team, explaining what we're trying to do and how what he's doing can help us and him, he brought up taking things up with his higher ups. If they see the need for it, along with the WorkSmart initiative that's going on, then there's a real reason to keep me there.

I've been setting the intention to stay there until Infra is up and running in a couple years. That gives me time to get the copywriting class done, get the business up and running while I've got an income to pay the bills. Meanwhile, I'll get things going by doing resume writing. Prime time to put up some posters in the building where I work, and getting word out to those I work with that I'm available.

I also need some resumes to practice on. So, to you my friends, I'm offering this: If you will allow me to post your re-done resume (hiding all vital info, of course) on my website, I'll do your resume for free. If you like what I do, you can recommend me to others who need to get their resumes done. I'm still hammering out the details in my head, but there may be some referral bonuses as well, both in free yearly updates and maybe even a small cash kickback as well. Leave me a comment if you're interested.