You would think a 42 year old woman wouldn't have stuffed animals around the house anymore, that she would have outgrown the need for them years ago. Yet this collection is still lurking in my bedroom. From the left: Mouser Bear, Pandy, Star and Zen, Baby Crissy and Aiden, and Thai.
Baby Crissy has been with me since Christmas when I was in first grade. Mom let me pick one present after I got home from doing the Christmas play, and I went right straight for her. She's been in my life 37 years. I had hoped to one day, possibly, to give her to my daughter. I know that will never happen. Yet I still feel like I can't part with her, not until I know she's going to a good home, where someone will care for her like I did.
Mouser Bear is next oldest. I picked him up somewhere on the trip to the National FFA convention in 1982, 83? Don't remember the date for sure, other than the parlimentary procedure team had finally won state and we were invited to Nationals. I picked him up partially because he looked more like a mouse than a bear - hence the name, and the guy I had a crush on at the time, his nickname was Mouse. He's been perched up on a glass shelf above my bed for the last five, almost six years. Somehow, with all the banging the boys upstairs were doing yesterday, he fell off the shelf.
When I found him, I had to wonder how much of a sign it was. Time to let go and move on. That thought alone sent me into sobs, unsure if it was for the child in me that still needed the comfort of a bear to hold, or for the child that felt the need so long ago to have something that would understand when no one else would or could.
The rest were purchased to give me physical representation to the animal guides that assisted me for a while. Aiden was the first, then Star, Zen and Thai, Pandy, and several others. Each had their own gift to give me, then moved on. Yet I'm not sure I'm ready to give them up, either.
Perhaps it's time to put them up on the top shelf in the closet, behind closed doors. I think what I need to do is ask that people who need them, need what they represent, be brought into my life so I can gift them with the stuffed animals. Give to them as the spirit guides gave to me.
Mouser and Crissy? Crissy would have to go to a very special little girl, someone who would cherish her as much as I have. MB... dunno. Is it worth it to hang on to the history that damaged me in some ways and gave me the strength to keep going in others?
According to feng shui, until I let go of them, there's not room in my home, or my heart, for anyone to come in and take their place. So up on the shelf, behind the closed door they will go. If they are still there in a year, after being out of sight, I should be able to let them go.
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
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