For the first time in several years I forgot to set my alarm. I woke up at 5:36 this morning, more than a full hour after I normally do. Did a half hour of meditation, then hit the shower and did the rest of my morning routine. I still made it to work 10 minutes early. Go figure.
One of the things that popped up during my mediatation is panic. I'm usually not prone to panic, given my training as an EMT and just being able to focus on what needs to be done at the moment, deal with the emotions later.
I know where that's led me - lots of stuffed emotions that are still being processed through. As I feel these moments of panic - how am I going to pay the bills, what happens if I lose the condo, will I lose my land - I'm doing my best to feel them as fully as I can. Feel them now in their entirety so I can move through this. Emotions as Energy in Motion.
Push comes to shove, I do have some resources. I could extend my farm loan, which I think the credit union would agree to. My land is worth over $300k, the cash rent covers the loan. I could call my oldest brother and ask him for a loan. I can remind people I loaned money to that they still owe me. I can work on the feng shui in my house and get the financial energy flowing again.
I can surrender this whole mess to the Universe and trust that somehow, some way, things will work out OK.
The fear at times can be overwhelming. In the deep of the night I've been scared and terrified of the what if's. What would happen if I did lose my home, my land? What wouldn't happen if I did? What wouldn't happen if I didn't?
Half the battle with fear is admitting you have it in the first place. I've said it. I'm breathing through the twisted guts of anxiety. I'm using what I know to get out of the anxiety and panic.
I will get through this. If I can survive two suicide attempts, several attempts of nature to eliminate me, my childhood and everything else I've attracted into my life, I can get through this.
I have to. There are no other options.
Maybe that's why I've buried my nose in the Kris Longknife series again. It's a series of sci-fi books about a 24th century young woman who comes from a trillionaire family full of history. That family history includes a running feud with another trillionaire family that kidnapped and murdered her little brother when she was 10. The series is about her ongoing battles to stay alive despite the assassination attempts and the situations her great-grandfathers put her into through her naval career.
The line that keeps coming up, no matter what situation Kris finds herself in, is that what she comes up with is the only right and ethical and moral option. Life throws her a hand grenade, she lobbs it back to the fool who tried to kill her. She is a leader because she has no other choice, ain't no one else picking up the slack.
Funny what you're drawn to when you need some inspiration. I've read this series through several times. There are currently five books, I'm waiting until the next one is released October 28.
Back to work.
Edit: After I wrote and published this, I checked my email. In that email came my daily "Conversations with God" email from Neale Donald Walsch. Here's what he had to say today:
....that you are only one short step away from manifesting what you need to reach your goal.
Do not stop now. Whatever you do, do not stop now.
Okay? Is that clear enough? Is that a clear enough sign? You asked for a sign, didn't you? So, is that clear enough?
You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today.
Dang...
After I got this, two things came up. Both relate to one of the gals I've been working with the last couple weeks. She sent my resume with a recommendation to the HR person for the building I'm in. After looking at my resume, the HR person wants to talk to me further. S said she will help me with some interview prep as well, cause she really would like to see me work there.
She also has a neighbor that runs a hair salon. She asked the neighbor if she had thought about having a massage therapist in her shop. The neighbor said yes, just hasn't followed up on it. She told her about me and that she would get my contact info. So I might have an in there.
Time will tell. This gives me hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment