Where'd July go?

Aack, August already?

I would say, where do the days go, it's the perception of the passing of time that's the real issue.

What have I been up to? Took another Gamma class this weekend from Dr. Corey Sondrup. This is a repeat of the one I took back in February. This time I just listened, soaked it all in.

Work continues. Had a few wrenches thrown in the works. One of the guys hired put in his two week notice - he got hired full time somewhere else. I'm disappointed but not surprised. Another has been pulled off the licensing project to work on other things so it's down to me and the first gal we hired. She's not the brightest bulb - I need to be very specific with how I want things done, then she will do them correctly. Left to her own devices, the data is a disaster.

To add to the mess, the finance person that is the driving force behind this is now stalling on actually hiring anyone, including me, to make this a permanent thing. I've already shown that in the year and a half I've been working on Project and Visio I've recycled over $1.5 million in licenses, not including what we'll do for Acrobat and other software.

I've got 4 1/2 months left before I'm at 2 years. Technically at 2 years you need to take a 60 day sabbatical, then you can come back. I'm eligible for unemployment at that point, but still...

I need to pull some ideas together for manifesting. I need to manifest the finance person letting go of her (and whoever else is behind it) stalling, buy into the fact that the company needs to do IT asset management and go forward with hiring me. We also need an engineer and I think my boy would be perfect for it. He's done this before and knows what needs to be done. He and I work well together, even if we're butting heads.

Got together with the family the 24th. Met at Bryant Lake Park in Eden Prairie, grilled, had a good time. From there I went to a high school friend's house. Hadn't seen her in at least 8-9 years. She's married and has a 3 year old little boy.

Been going for walks after work. I'm thinking I need to move my walks to the early morning. It's 85 outside with a heat index over 92 degrees and will be worse tomorrow and Wednesday. If I go to bed early tonight, then getting up at 4 to walk won't be so bad. And a whole lot cooler. Walk, shower, then meditate. I think that works.

Get to talk to the boy on occasion. We played tag on the road in one morning, and walked in together. Went for a walk when I got the news the one guy was leaving, and another when word came that hiring me is on hold.
Today he had on a light orange polo. First thing I thought of when I saw him was sherbert, then that he looked like a giant dreamsicle. Delicious, yes, but light orange just doesn't work on him. I'm presuming that's one his wife picked out - bad choice. If he picked it out, then he fully deserves any ribbing he gets about it.

That's things in a nutshell.

Weather woes

Ugh, I am not fond of bad weather, and we are in the middle of ongoing severe weather. It started this afternoon and we have warnings going for at least another two hours tonight. There have already been several tornados on the ground, along with lots of straight line winds.

This line is moving at 55 mph, so it's moving out quickly. Still, it's enough to rattle me.

---
Changes in supplements may not be helping me. I sat down with Bristlecone on Thursday to go over my test results. The results were not good. My hormones are seriously out of whack - estrogen is really high, putting me at risk of ovarian cancer. My cortisol is low, which means my adrenal glands are in exhaustion, which could move to burnout and a very shortened life. My thyroid is putting out reverse T3, so I'm not able to use the T4 I'm putting out. I'm also low in bone marrow iron.

All together, I'm adding about ten more supplements to the ten or so already on my list. Things like ferrochel iron, vitamin C, and betaine HCL for the iron shortage; raw thyroid and GTA to balance thyroid; Isocort to supplement the cortisol; progesterone cream to balance the estrogen overload; flaxseed oil caps and high EPA fish oil to boost Omega-3 levels and help take down the inflammation and reduce the risk of heart disease. They may also want me to add metformin to help keep the glucose levels down. I can do that through diet and more exercise.

I had to create a schedule of what to take when. It's a complex schedule, with different things at six different times of the day. Throw in the progesterone cream twice a day on days 12 to the end of my cycle and... ugh. Short term chaos to provide long term gains. Get things straightened out now so I can have a long life. Be around to spoil 'my' kid's grandkids.

Gaining (losing?) ground

I just realized, after doing some formulas in my weight loss tracking spreadsheet, that I have let go of 26.8 pounds of weight since February when I started tracking.

That is just under 10% of my starting weight I've let go. It's almost all fat - my muscle mass has fluxed about a pound either side of 90 pounds the whole time. If I can keep this muscle mass as I continue to let go of the fat, I'll be right where I want to be when I'm at my goal weight of 175 - and I may be able to go higher than that.

I tweaked my spreadsheet because of something Dr. Rory said Friday night. He asked me if I'd really thought about about what my weight loss means to me, how it really impacts me. When he asked me, I hadn't thought about it. What does letting go of the weight mean to me?

Letting go of the past. Letting go of the toxins that have been stuffed in my body, mentally, physically and emotionally. Letting go of the things I've let hold me back in the past.

What am I gaining? My physical health. I'm physically stronger, have more endurance and cardiovascular health. My acne is pretty much gone. I'm more interested in being active, in trying new things, or in the case of martial arts, going back to something I've been interested in for a long time. I'm also gaining some confidence as well.

Long term, what does that mean for me? As I continue to let go of the fat and gain strength and confidence, almost anything is possible. I re-gain some control over my life, even if it's just an illusion. An illusion can be as real as I want it to be.

One of my first goals on letting the fat go was to hit 250. That is easily within sight now, just a couple of weeks away. I'm better understanding what I need to do to let go of the body fat. Part of it has been following what Bristolcone set up for eating patterns and food. Another part is learning more about the Primal/paleo lifestyle, which is based on the work of Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories. (High protien and high fat, low carb diet like our primitive ancestors ate.)

The next part is to get back to more primal exercise. I've been reading Mark's Daily Apple, the website tied to The Primal Blueprint. The more I read, the more it makes sense to me. The food choices are right in line with what I'm doing through Bristolcone. The exercises get back to the basics, like bodyweight exercise (squats, lunges, pull-ups, push-ups, jumping jacks). So, time for me to do the same.

I've taken the last two weeks off from lifting. One of the last self defense classes left me with bruised knees, so I took the week off to heal. Then I took another week off to see if I could let go of weight without doing any exercise. Didn't let go of any weight the first week, did the second. Now to add in the bodyweight exercises and see what happens.

Listen to my body. Eat when I'm hungry - truly hungry, drink when I'm dry, sprint when I feel like it, lift heavy when I want to, take a nice walk daily otherwise. This is something I can do for the rest of my life.

Now, my body is hungry, so I'm gonna go make some supper.

Well...

Don't quite know where to start. Actually, I do, just where to go with it.

Thursday morning the boy asked me to be a reference for him. He's fed up with the BS enough that if he doesn't get the answers he wants in the next month he's going to start looking for another job.

My heart crashed through the floor when he asked. I told him I don't want him to leave, and he answered that he doesn't want to leave, either. He's reached his limit - he's in the numb, doesn't care, yet the clarity is starting to come in. He's starting to wake up and realize there is so much more to this world.

Professionally, I don't want him to leave. He's still got way more to contribute, not only to the SCCM team but to licensing and ITAM as well. He's been through this before at other companies he's worked for, and he's got a lot of good ideas on where to take things. He's even willing to take a couple days to write a couple scripts for me so I can take care of putting people into and out of the uninstall collections.

I also know he has my back. He's helped me deal with the idiots we're working with, and the jokes about what to do with all the dead bodies we plan on leaving behind has been good stress relief.

Personally... beyond the broken heart and not being able to see him on a regular basis, I'd miss our chats. Motorcycles, the idiots we work with, martial arts, his kids and grandson, his sarcasm and wit. His gorgeous body and face (hey, I'm human, deal!)

I asked him what he wants, how does he want the situation to turn out? At that point he wasn't real sure. I'll keep poking him on that until he does get a clear picture, so then I can focus on it as well.

For now, I'll send him my info so he has it for references. I'll also be asking the universe for an outcome where I get to keep him in my life and he's happy with whatever outcome happens.
---
For some people, this is a three day weekend, given it's the Fourth of July tomorrow. For me, I gotta work. However, I've taken some steps to start being able to comfortably work at home. I hit MicroCenter this morning to buy two-20" monitors and some other goodies to set up my work desk here at home. Now I need to go clean off said desk, set up the monitors, dock, keyboard and other stuff so I can actually get some work done.

I've got a boatload of stuff I need to do. Most days last week I was almost constantly being interrupted by people coming to my desk, phone calls, IM's, one crisis after another. Put one fire out, another flares up. I've got some stuff I need to have done by Tuesday night, but several other things have to be done before I can compile that data. Set up the desk tonight, maybe put in a few hours. I may work all day tomorrow and part of Monday, see how much I can get done.

If I get a lot done, one of the things I may do when I get hired is ask for the ability to work from home at least one day every other week, maybe even every week. Be available by IM only, if you call me it damn well better be an emergency that only I can deal with.
---

Otherwise... Chael is home and running very well. It's a relief to not have to worry about the chain and sprockets. The new Iso grips are helping. Not so much of the vibration comes through to my hands. Now I just need to get the throttle lock put on so I can rest my right hand once in a while.

Another week

Another week gone by. Yikes.

What have I been up to? Well, I'm writing this on my new iPad. Yes, I have invested in a 64 gig wi-fi iPad. I'd been thinking about getting a Nook, but it didn't make sense to me to spend $260 when for a bit more I could get the iPad that can do so much more. So yes, iPad it is.

I've ordered a hard case for it. I know my life, I need a hard aluminum case to protect it. I look at my work laptop and it's all scratched up from being in my backpack. I don't want that to happen to my new baby. There's another case I'm looking at for when I'm at work going between meetings. That one won't be ready until mid to late July, so I'll wait on ordering that one.

The weight loss with the Bristlecone Biology of Burn is working. I dropped 8.6 pounds the first week, gained back 2 the second, then dropped 6.6 pounds this week. I probably would have dropped more this week, but I had a co-workers wedding reception and dance last night. Between a glass of merlot and some chocolate, I had a bit of a carb hangover this morning.

What's a carb hangover? Well, when you've gone high protein, high fat, very low carb, especially no sugar your body gets into a certain groove and moved towards using body fat to provide glucose for the brain's needs. You add in sugar and alcohol and the body goes back to it's glucose mechanism. Not a good thing. It's as bad as a full on alcohol hangover. And like an alcohol hangover, a bit of sugar helps take the headache away.

Rhubarb. I love rhubarb. One of the vendors at the farmers market yesterday had organic rhubarb for $3 a pound, so I picked up 3 pounds. While I was baking the bacon, sausage and pork chops for the week, I chopped up the rhubarb and set it to simmering down. I added only a half cup of sugar, just enough to take a bit of the tartness out. YUM! I've been eating it straight out of the pan. It would be even better with ice cream or some heavy cream.

Chael is in the shop getting fixed. I wrestled him onto a trailer yesterday and got him up to the shop in Fridley. They took him off the trailer, I handed off the Kuryakan Iso grips and flew the trailer back to the rental place. They were supposed to put the new chain and sprocket, as well as the grips, on him yesterday. I'll pick him up on Tuesday, provided the boy can give me a ride.

Haven't said much about the boy lately. He's been up to his eyeballs in his own stuff trying to get the new Reader pushed out and the patches for the older stuff. He hasn't been able to do my RFC's to get the uninstalls done. That's OK, I knew that would be the case. What's been funny is how the SCCM team lead is dealing with it. There's one guy that's just a slacker - compared to the boy who has closed over 400 tickets, this guy has only closed 100 since last September. This guy now has to pick up the slack for not only the boy but the co-worker who got married, as she's out until July 6 and then may be gone for 60 days cause she's at her 2 years being a contractor.

See how things go. I suspect the SCCM team lead found out how hard the boy's job can be on Friday when they were trying to figure out how to put together an uninstall collection.

No plans for next weekend, being 4th of July. Haven't been invited anywhere, so I may just take a day ride on Chael. I've been itching to go hit some of the county parks and lakes that aren't too far out of the cities. I know I'll need to work during the weekend if I want to take Monday off, so I'll have to go see about getting a new monitor or two. LCD this time, no CRT's for this kid. One thing at a time.

I suppose. Need to go take the rhubarb off the stove, get it in the fridge. Take a few more bites before I put it away ;-).

Luck...

Some days I don't realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Case in point: Chael. I've been hearing some noise from him since sometime last summer. I asked the place where I stored it at to take a look at it over the winter. They didn't, and the noise continued. I called today and told them I would be willing to pay for a mechanic to take him for a test run. Bring him in, they said.

Got over there, the mechanic took him for a run. He comes back after the run... The chain is so loose that it's hitting the engine - that's the noise I've been hearing. The links are so weak after the chain stretched that it's a wonder the chain didn't break and take out the engine.

Now to ride home after hearing that? I called on every angel, arch angel and spirit guide I have favors with to get us home safely, which we did. Chael is getting trailered back up there next Saturday.

We ordered a new chain and sprocket while I was there. It will take at least 5 business days for those to come in, so next Saturday will work out fine. They will also put the new Kuryakyn grips that I ordered. They can't put on the throttle lock due to liability issues. Still, the grips will be nice to get done professionally.

More luck than sense... Not always true, but this time... yes. And I am very grateful for it.

Mid June already?

The older I get, the faster the days go by. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

The good news is that the BOB (biology of burning) diet is working. I've let go of 8.5 pounds from Monday morning to this morning. This week hasn't been the easiest. I haven't been totally craving sugar, although last night would have been very easy to give in to some chocolate or wine.

It's an addiction to sugar. What I'm finding is to not resist it - what you resist persists. It's moreso acknowledging that my body is expecting sugar, wants its desires fulfilled. I understand that and I consciously chose to not fulfill that short term desire in favor of the longer term goal.

Did cheat twice this week. My body was craving milk on Friday, so I gave in and had a glass of 2% milk with lunch. I also had two chocolate disks that I get from Whole Foods - they didn't taste that great. The milk I wasn't worried about - it has enough protein and fat to balance the carbs, and it kept me from being hungry three hours later.

Now that I know this glucagon thing is working - the longer I go between meals the more glucagon can be produced - I can deal with the hunger pangs. Short term vs long term.

Thinking of short term vs long term.... The question came up from the PM this week as to whether I'm going to stay or not. It's been rolling around in the back of my head, but I really hadn't made a decision until it came out of my mouth. I said yes to staying.

No word on when I'll become an employee. The PM and my boss are still trying to work through a budget and anticipate costs on things they know nothing about. They are trying to do that in the middle of my boss trying to get Windows 7 up and running.

Lots of things will be fast tracked in the next couple months. Looks like I'll be in the middle of it.

May I have another, please?

The old saw goes that God/Universe only gives you what you can handle. Some days I wonder about that.

On top of the shenanigans of last week, I got word Monday that I had another funeral to attend this week. An uncle on my dad's side died Monday morning. The funeral was yesterday.

I haven't had much to do with dad's side of the family. There was one Christmas where the clan was at my parents house and I was pretty much completely ignored by all the cousins. That was the end of my associating with them on a regular basis.

Because of that, they were really surprised when I did show up yesterday. No one was expecting me to be there. Talked to the guy that rents my farmland. His daughter is about to give birth to twins next week - first grandchildren and the first I'd heard of it. The family about dropped their jaws when they saw I was there.

After the funeral I went back to the house to chat with the family. Discovered that one of the people I work with is a sister-in-law to my cousin's wife. That will be an interesting conversation.
We talked about the various memories of those who have gone before now. Stories of helping others move, the various sayings, things like that. All the things that made them unique.

As a side note, I went for a walk with the boy Wednesday to talk about the work situation. I wanted his perspective since he's dealt with the PM, he knows our boss and he knows me. I told him about getting hit not only with the PM, but the lockout, the health stuff and then the funeral. He mentioned something about grief.

Here's the catch - I'm not grieving for this uncle or the aunt that died a month ago. They weren't a daily part of my life. I would grieve more for the loss of the boy were he to do something stupid and lose his life than I will for any of my blood family. My created family I will grieve for when their time comes. They have had more impact on my life, shown me what family could be like, and are people I actually care about.

All that may change as I work through letting go of the weight and changing the hormones. More layers to surface, things to deal with.
---
The financial issues will soon be taken care of. The credit union had no problem extending my loan, didn't blink at the request. I've got a call into the association's lawyer to find out how much the payoff to them will be. Then I can get the new windows ordered, pay for the siding, and get them completely out of my hair. Get the other bills paid off and I can breathe a bit easier.

The health issues are already starting to turn. I decided in prelude to starting the BOB diet that I would cut back to three meals a day this week, trying to go at least 5-6 hours between. The idea is to give the glucagon a chance to really burn up the fat.

It's also been a test to see if I can stay away from the sugar and simple carbs to blunt coming off the sugar addiction. So far, so good. Yesterday was a challenge with the off schedule for the funeral. I won't be back on a normal schedule until Monday. That starts the broth fast for two days, then starting the BOB plan.

Now, if there were just enough bandwidth to get the VPN up and running...

Inquire within, indeed

It's been a week of rude wake up calls for me.

Thursday the project manager for the IT asset management team called me into a private meeting. The VP that fubar'd the Vista project has green lighted and fast tracked moving ITAM into it's own sub-department of my boss's department. They want to hire 4-5 people and have it running by the end of July.

The PM and I, however, have had some issues. She sees me as having a chip on my shoulder and that I'm withholding information. To me, she's coming off like the boss from my last job, setting me up for failure. She says she wants me to be the data analyst on the team, since I've been doing it for a year and a half and know what's going on. That is, if I'm willing to open up and essentially do things her way, to follow command structure.

I'm at a choice point. Do I want to continue working this job? I like the company, the ideals, and most of the team I work with. The boy also helps.

The biggest question is, do I want to work through what is causing me to hold back info, or do I want to leave and start over again?

I finally snagged some time with my boss Friday afternoon. We talked for 2 hours about what's going on, what's causing me to hold back info, that I don't trust the PM to do the right thing. A lot of this comes down to trusting management to do the right thing, to know what they are doing. I also need to trust myself to question them when things don't seem right.

Called P Thursday night. Interesting issues with the phones caused some issues at first. (Hmm... communication issues with land lines...) Finally connected on a clear line and talked out what's going on. Mirrors and shadows. The PM and I are reflecting to each other things we need to work on in ourselves. In my case, I'm the one sabotaging myself by consciously holding back info. I'm aware of it now, and of how she pokes my buttons. How do I make her aware of this concept and work through it?

Friday night I get home and I can't get into the garage. The association locked me out because I'm behind on my association dues. So my motorcycle is sitting outside right now. I'm going to leave a note on the door to see if the guy I share the garage with will at least give me my motorcycle cover so I don't have to go buy a new one. It's supposed to rain this afternoon and a couple days this week. Last thing I want is Chael wet if I can avoid it.

Then I get a letter from the association about the siding project. They have managed to knock down the pricing on the siding to a more reasonable level. But they need the money by July 1. If I want new windows and patio door, that money has to be in by June 11.

Given those dollar amounts and what I owe in association dues, I'm going to see if I can get a loan on my land to pay for all this and a couple other things. I have a couple medical bills from last summer and Chael needs some work. The land is worth more than 30 times the loan I would be asking for. I think my credit union at home will let me do that, then roll it into the other loan I have on the land when that one comes due for a balloon payment.

The last rude awakening was yesterday morning. I went to Bristlecone yesterday morning for the Bundle testing. Given my family history and my own history of being overweight, I've been insulin resistant for years. I'm at a much higher risk of cancer, etc, than I thought.

My hormones are way out of whack. We'll find out just how out of whack with a few tests. The bundle isn't cheap. With the additional testing I need, I'm looking at over $900 to start. Ouch. My health and longevity are worth the expense now.

Thing is, I'm addicted to sugar. And sugar withdrawl can be just as bad as coming off caffeine, nicotine and hard drugs. This will be going on at the same time the PM is trying to decide if I'm hired or not.

I've weathered other storms, I can get through this one.

Ch ch ch changes...

Lots of changes going on.

The last aunt on my mom's side died two weeks ago, and her funeral was on the 14th. Went to the funeral, caught up with the cousins that came. For all of us, we're now the oldest generation. We're the grandparents (and great aunts), the ones the kids look up to. The ones that hold the family together.

When I mentioned that to the cousins, it was a shocking realization to them. We are now Grandma Beck. My oldest brother is now the oldest cousin at 68. It may be another 10 to 20 years before this generation starts dying off. Still... It's a shift I'm not sure any of us were ready to make.

I'm the only one out of the 13 of us that doesn't have kids. I'm the youngest by 12 years. I was also the first to lose both parents.

It's an adjustment.

Add to that for me personally trying to let go of the boy. It's been a conscious thing on my part. I'm making the effort to not look at his schedule every day, or to keep track of him via IM, or to look at his desk when I make a trip to the rest room. I've only stopped by his cube twice this week to talk, both business related. The second one did turn into a discussion about martial arts and weight lifting. It was Friday afternoon at 4 so I wasn't too concerned.

It's hard. Something is eating at him. When I talked to him on Wednesday, he admitted he was deflated, and his body and energy showed it. I wonder how much of it has to do with what's going on at home. He's not driving his Focus, he's been driving the Blazer, so I'm wondering if he sold the Focus. I'm also wondering if he sold his motorcycle, because I haven't seen it when I've ridden. I can tell the days he rides because he wears a specific pair of boots, rather than his tennies.

He also admitted he needed some alone time. He said he was about ready to tell the wife to pack up the kids and go see Grandma so he could get some work done. Given there are seven people in the house, there can't be much alone time other than when he's staring at the inside of his eyelids. I ran across a meditation I'm going to make a copy of for him about alone time, encourage him to start scheduling some time by themselves.

He also gave me back the copy of Celestine I'd given him. Actually, he put it on my desk the Friday I was out at the funeral. So I wrote a note, tucked it in the book and put it back on his desk when he was out Thursday. When I talked to him Friday, he gave it back saying he was cleaning up his desk in preparation for doing remote workplace. He had already taken some stuff home, and was taking more home that night.
His reason for giving it back was that he just doesn't have time to read it now, given his college homework, trying to finish up his degree, and all the stuff going on at home. He said he will ask for it back when he has time to read.

The other adjustment in my life is realizing how insulin resistant my body has become. When I kicked over to the body builders diet, I told the trainer that the carbs were too high, and it turns out I was right. The amount of carbs has driven my body into insulin resistance. No wonder I stopped losing weight.

Now that I've had that aha, I've moved back to my high protein, very low carb diet. I've moved back to six meals a day and will work back to five. I've also changed my workouts to three days lifting/cardio/stretching and two days cardio/stretching. I gained almost a pound and a half of muscle this week. I've also noticed I'm not so moody or down.

I'm looking at a couple of online places that have supplements to help change the insulin resistance and get my hormones back into balance so I can let go of the weight, get my adrenals straightened out and stop the periomenopause symptoms. There's a place locally called Bristlecone Fitness that has success turning back pre-diabetic clients. It's not cheap - P said her bundle was $800. I just don't have that at the moment since I'm not allowed to do more than 5 hours of overtime a week. I've emailed them to see if they would let me do some payments ahead, then do the testing and their BOB diet. See what they say. If they are willing to work with me, I'm willing to do it.

Yeah...

What's been happening this week? A near meltdown on Friday resulting in a trip to Dr. Rory.

There is a lot of energetic shifting going on in the universe right now. Given that I'm a kinesthetic empath, I pick up on that and it amplifies what's going on in my own body. Whatever is out of whack get cranked up to a 20 on a 10 scale.

I started noticing it Wednesday night. I was doing dishes and was just stuck and in tears. Got through Thursday, but again Thursday night I was in and out of tears and ended up crying myself to sleep. Friday morning I was an utter disaster, in and out of tears on the way to work, in tears several times at my desk. Had a couple of encounters with the boy that were tense at best, bordering on when we were bickering in early March. I called to see if I could get in to see either Dr. Rory or Dr. Mike, Rory was open at 3 so I took the appointment. While I was working I made a list of all the stuff that was bugging me: an emotional wreck, the depression was overwhelming me, I'd been up several times with nightmares, gained and lost the same pound for six weeks, etc.

Rory read the list and said what a breakthrough. I'm looking at him, what are you talking about? The shadow, the ego is trying to squash the joy in our lives. I was so caught up in the pain that I couldn't see anything outside of it. Rory shifted the energy for me, reminded me about what I needed to know, being flexible and flowing. He suggested a glass of red wine when I got home and to just relax and be this weekend.

So that's what I've done. Cracked open a bottle of Bella Sera 2007 merlot - nice and smooth right out of the bottle. Sat down with a glass and some chocolate and watched TV Friday night. Yesterday I went to self defense class, came home and watched Avatar - The Last Airbender cartoon. Then I went to Best Buy to spend the $30 in gift cards I got for filling out a survey, picked up two martial arts DVD's that have six movies on each. Don't know if they are any good, but something to watch and pick up moves from.

The whole martial arts and eastern ways are coming back into my life again. During class things started to make sense yesterday. I could see the applications for what Eric was teaching us. I didn't have to think about it, the movements just fit.
I want to sit down yet today and make some notes on the various things Eric has been teaching us. The 12 elbows, the handwashing variations, the footwork. Start a list to practice on Monday and Friday nights when the floor is open in the wellness center and things to work on here at home.

Avatar - The Last Airbender is something the boy turned me on to. He and his 10 year old daughter have been watching it and are waiting for the movie to come out in July. I've been looking for it on Nickelodean, not realizing the cable company had a second Nick station. That's where I found it Friday night. I watched an hour yesterday morning, then caught three eps in the afternoon. Caught two more this morning, another three are on in a half hour.
I'll get the lessons I need from them.

Tabby and AB are doing OK. Tabby is starting to loosen up. She will now come out and eat when I'm home. She'll even come so far as to duck under the desk behind my recliner and watch me from there at night.

I'm starting to wonder if she's partially deaf, given her blue eyes. I say that because there have been a couple times in the middle of the night where I've walked into the bathroom, she's been using the litter box and I've completely spooked her. I've also been in the kitchen working away, she come out to eat and didn't hear me walking right up behind her or making noise to get her attention. That might explain why it's taken her so long to warm up - if she can't hear, or hears very little, she's constantly on guard.

I do need to catch her, soon. I haven't clipped her toenails in a while. I know how long they were when I brought her home, so I suspect they need clipping. One thing at a time.

Starting over

Some days I'm wondering if I should just scrap everything and start over again.

Today was one of those mornings. I've had moments lately where I feel like I'm barely surviving, which means I have no room to thrive. How can I get out of the mess I'm in when I can barely keep my head above water? And why isn't anyone else seeing me floundering?

People don't see me flounder because I'm too good at covering up. If I hide it from myself, no one else sees it either. People around me were clueless when I attempted suicide the second time. No, I'm not there, but it feels close.

I'm missing a lot of the basics. What do people do to get through the day, all the little things and decisions that they do without thinking because it's part of their basic routine. Like re-learning how to live after being in a metaphorical wreck, what are all the things that have to happen to make life work?

I've started an Excel spreadsheet with daily, weekly, monthly, semi-annual, yearly and other to do's. Across the top are the days of the month. I'll leave enough room in the boxes to write in how long I did something or to check it off the list. Highlight the weekends so I know those days I don't have to go to work or I do need to go to my martial arts class.

What's prompting this? I've got a voice mail from a creditor from Wednesday I still haven't picked up. I haven't picked up my mail in 5 weeks. Coming home Friday night I looked at the neighborhood through the boy's eyes instead of my own and realized I live in the slums. My house is a disaster, I haven't cleaned or picked up in months. I've been doing my weight lifting, cardio and eating right and I've been stuck gaining and losing the same pound for 5 weeks.

The other thing that set me off was wondering what I'll say to the boy if he ever figures it out and has the courage to ask. Part of me wants to be honest with him, part of me wants to hide it. We've been honest with each other so far...
There are three things that play into this: what I want, what I need, and what I expect. I want all of him: the lover, the fighter; the domestic, the wild side; the son, brother, father, friend; the vulnerable and strong; stone cold sober and drunk off his ass (he's never been drunk in his life...); calm and full blown rage; athlete and couch potato; teacher and student.
What I need from him, if he ever figures it out, is his patience, kindness and forgiveness. Patience with me to let me work this out of my system, to get the lessons I need from him and move on. Kindness to not notice if I slip, and forgiveness if I hurt or embarrass him.
What I expect... is what I've gotten in the past. To be ignored, told I'm not good enough, told that how could I ever expect someone like him to ever care about someone as ugly and unloveable as I am. I've heard these words exactly or in some variation from just about every male I've ever cared about from my father on. The only men in my life I haven' heard it from are Kyle, John and Jack, Dr. Mike, Dr. Rory and him, so far.

Someone on Facebook posted about Spokeo.com. It's a site that gathers info available from open sources on the web about you. The entry about me was relatively accurate - my astrological sign was wrong, as were a couple minor details. Yes, I looked him and his wife up. Accurate for the most part from what I know, there were some things I questioned.

It also got me thinking if that's the life I want to live. Knowing how much I don't like gardening because it's too much like farm work, would I have the patience and energy to keep up a landscape? Or would I come up with the money to pay someone else to do it? I've never wanted kids of my own - could I deal with his 10 year old daughter, the late teen daughter that's given him his first grandson, and his 22 year old son who still lives at home. Given the deer in the headlights look I get when I bring up energy work or other things that make my heart sing, could I deal with him not being awake enough to understand?

Lots to contemplate.

Gorgeous weather

Spring is finally here, at least enough to get Chael out of storage and on the road.

I actually got him out of storage a week ago. Talked the boy into picking me up on his way in to work and dropping me off after work. We talked about some of the rides he's done, the weather he's had to deal with.

Most of last week was rainy or windy, so I didn't actually ride again until yesterday. Ran up to the bookstore, cause I just needed something new to read that I haven't already read at least 10 times. Came home with a book on martial arts stretching and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.

Work has calmed down considerably. I put in 12 hours last Sunday trying to get ready for the removal on Wednesday. Late Monday afternoon the removal was postponed because of the soft freeze for the year end.

The company's fiscal year runs May 1-April 30. We have a hard freeze, where nothing can change in IT unless it's an emergency affecting the financial systems - ie a server goes down or something goes haywire. The soft freeze for year end starts three weeks ahead of the hard freeze, where the VP of IT has to approve any changes before they are made. Removing Project and Visio at this point isn't something the VP would sign off on, so we're waiting until after the freeze is done.

That's OK with me. We weren't ready to do the uninstall even with all the overtime I've put in. That buys me some time to get a few things done and caught up.

It also gives me time to test out the new way the project lead wants to do things. I feel like she completely ignored the previous documents I've written up explaining the process of how I did things. She didn't come to ask me about how I did things or why I did them or the reasoning behind it. Now I get to figure out if her way works or not.

I'm pissed and it also feels like I'm being set up to be removed again. My boss has told me my contract is being extended, but I haven't see it come through yet. Some of it could be year end and the lower VP not being in the office to approve the extension. Still, it feels all too familiar to what happened at the last job.

Been nice to have an entire weekend to myself. Didn't quite know what to do with it all. I've done the usual household chores. I've read. I crocheted yesterday while I was waiting for Taez's brakes to be worked on. Back to the copywriting class I suppose, get that going just in case...

Back to the zoo tomorrow. See what happens.

From the Cape

The last couple days have been insteresting, to say the least.

Friday was a LONG day. Up at 3 am to catch a 6 am flight. Arrived in Boston about 11, got the car and headed for the Cape.

Talk about ants in the pants kids. They were texting back and forth from the time we landed until we arrived in the driveway. T'Sh practically tackle hugged Josh, and they've pretty much been stuck to each other since then.

His aunt MK... Let's just say my dull, boring life seems pretty exciting compared to hers. I have hobbies and do stuff with my life. She watches TV, reads and works. How boring is that?

It also feels like she lives her life in fear. She was surprised to hear I ride motorcycle, even though I'd talked about it on Friday, she really didn't get that I do own a motorcycle and ride until we were coming home from Boston yesterday.

She's really strict about little things that in my mind aren't worth picking fights about. Things like sitting up straight in the back seat on the way to Boston, how he eats, how much he eats. MK made a nervous wreck out of Josh's sister when she dropped a mixing beater on the floor that hit the cabinets and her dress on the way down. MK hasn't learned to pick her battles yet.

She'a not an easy person to warm up to, either. I've been wracking my brain to find topics to talk about. There's just not much there to work with. If I met her in a 'normal' context, she's not someone I'd choose to be friends with. Yet here we are, being cordial and tolerating each other for the sake of our niece and nephew.

Like I told T'Sh on Friday, I'm trying to do for her and the other five the things none of my family did for me. I'm here to listen, to haul her butt out to MA to meet the boy she loves (and has fallen even harder for). I'm also here to pass on what I've learned the hard way, explain the pain of being cheated on, the bio-chemical side of what happens when you have sex and how that effects your feelings and life.

The kids are down on the beach at the moment. T'Sh wanted to build another sand castle and lay out (even though it's windy and cold). I'll wander down in a while with the camera and get some pix of them so I can post them on Facebook for both of them (and post in my cube).

Later we'll head back to MK's for supper. It will need to be an early night, as we need to be on the road by 3 am. It's a 90 minute drive back to Logan and we need to drop off the car before we actually get to the airport and through security.

When we get home, I need to go to the office for a meeting. Show her a bit of cube life, introduce her to my boy. Then we need to head out and meet her mom half way so I can get stuff pulled together for Tuesday.

Other interesting things have happened, but I'll save those for later. Not so much for the kids, but the Universe trying to get some things through to me.

Happy b-day to me

Another year older. Yeah rah, yippy skippy, yabba dabba do.

No, I am no enthused about this day. It's another of several days during the year I'd just rather forget. Or, if I had a few things from the Harry Potter universe, then I could make it a day I'd want to remember.

Since I don't have access to those things, life goes on.

Got a few things done already this morning. Hit Target, got stuff for the trip. My personal supplies are packed - one thing done. Got the hair cut, stopped at Batteries Plus for a small flashlight that can be used for self defense - it's really bright and the face can be used as a kubaton or to support your fingers if you need to punch someone.
Then off to the grocery store and home. Clothes are sorted, so I'll do those tonight when I get home, along with the cooking.

Tomorrow has to be a work day. After a few really nasty emails to my personal box, the boss FINALLY got the message that the 850+ emails need to be dealt with. That bought us a week, so next week's removals and the Acrobat removals are now pushed back a week while I play catch up.

They boys in the support center know they need to do the EUSR's, and they are even willing to try to help with the email. I may take them up on that.

Amazingly, I've been pretty detached from the chaos. Since I talked with P about things, it doesn't matter. I do the best I can with the hours I have and screw the rest of it. The attitude shift may have something to do with the boy as well.

He's buried almost as deep as I am in the rest of the Microsoft enterprise wide true up. Like he said, he's so far behind he's running to try and catch up with himself. He's not willing to put in the overtime like I am - he's salaried - so it will just have to wait. I warn him when I'm going to be sending large chunks of little things his way so he knows and can work them into his schedule and to-do list.

We did get a bit of time Monday night. Not what I expected, most likely what I needed. That's what seems to happen when I'm trying to draw information out of him. He had several points to make. Don't attack when they aren't in your face. Stay calm when someone grabs your arm - if they pull you towards them, make use of that force to drive your elbow or fist into them. Use your body weight and what's around you.

I may have also found a place to play with my martial arts and self defense. I needed to stop at GNC because my shipment of whey protein is over a week late. As I drove by one of the strip malls in the area, I saw a window front for Crystal Fight Club. Yes, they focus on the MMA stuff, which at this point is a little too hardcore for me. But they offer Judo, which I think would play well into the rest of my self defense instruction.

Depending on the reply I get, I may go check them out. If they are open to having women, I'll offer my other skills like massage, therapeutic coaching, photography and writing.

Still here...

Another busy week.

Work got a bit more crazy than usual this week with the first of the big removals happening. Lots of chaos and a few unhappy people. Oh well.

My boss took three days off, so she was out of the office when all this happened. Actually, that was OK because it left me feeling calmer while the chaos ensued. I could work as I work best, instead of her trying to tell me what to do with what I feel are incorrect priorities.

Also had a long talk with P Tuesday night as well. That gave me some perspective on the whole details to big picture to what other people are seeing. Most people don't understand the details. I do. That means I need to translate the high points to them and be OK with the fact that they just don't get it. I do, and that's all that really matters.

My temp started on Thursday, which added to the chaos. Got her started on the Acrobat analysis. She can putter with that while I get the help from the Support Center going on processing the EUSR's. That leaves me free to deal with the now 600+ emails and the Europe and AP pushes.

The boy is now a grandpa. His daughter gave birth on Thursday to a healthy baby boy. I found his comments interesting as I ribbed him over IM about being a 'gumpa'. I wrote him that his grandson is going to give him a run for his money, and will be even more of a handful than his oldest two kids. His reply was that for this one he'll be there from the beginning. Hmmm. I suspect that story will come out eventually.

I do get some alone time with him tomorrow night, barring any more issues that arise. I asked him to give me some pointers before I go to Boston, how to handle some situations. He had booked time Friday, that went out the window with the birth. I expect we'll get some time tomorrow night.

Met with an interesting group of people yesterday. Three of us were in the same therapeutic coaching class, the other is a friend of one of the others. We're at a similar point in life, dealing with similar things. We'll get together every couple weeks to talk through things, hold each other accountable, help in between with situations as they arise.

Something I need in my life. Missing that connection, the chance to bounce ideas off someone who gets me at the level I'm at. People who won't give me the 'deer in the headlights' look when I say something because it's not over their head.

Now to go start all the chores I need to do before I go in to work, and workout. Another long day in front of me.

Update

Another crazy week at work. Too much to do, not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I put in 60 hours last week and it wasn't enough. My boss put me on a project that took three days. In those three days over 400 emails and almost 300 end user software requests came in. I finally got some help on Friday to get through the EUSR's, which I finished yesterday. I should have spent today going through the email, I just couldn't bring myself to even turn on the laptop.

I'm giving it all I've got and some days I feel like I'm being set up for failure again. My boss tells me I'm doing a fantastic job, yet others who are clueless feel like they can pile even more work on me. My boss got a taste of how long it takes to do email and EUSR's after I blew up in a meeting Thursday morning.

Meanwhile, plans continue for the trip to Boston. Finally booked hotel today. Now I need to look for a car rental. I'm starting to get concerned about this trip. I've talked to the boy and asked him to have his aunt call me. Have nae heard boo yet. I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't want us to come out. Hopefully I'm wrong.

The new weight loss and muscle building plan is starting to show results. From when I started tracking my weight four weeks ago to today I've let go of nine pounds of fat and have gained almost a pound of muscle in the last week. My body doesn't show it, but the numbers do. It's a start.

I'm not liking the cooking part so much. It takes 5-6 hours over the weekend to prep and cook the food, then weight out and portion out everything. Eating 7 times a day can be a pain as well - every 2-2.5 hours I'm eating something, be it one of my protein shakes or food. Ugh. But it's working.

Oy...

Overtime. Love the money, not so sure I like not having time to myself.

I've been putting in weeks of 15-20 hours of overtime since the end of January. I've got at least seven more weeks of it to go. The powers that be have mandated that the whole company has to be trued up for Project and Visio by the fiscal year end May 1.

I am so far behind, even with the overtime. I'm supposed to be getting someone to help, but what we've interviewed so far isn't going to help me. See what else the contractor system can come up with.

A trip to Boston is in the works as well. I'm taking my oldest niece out to meet her Facebook boyfriend for the first time.

Other than that, a few moments here and there to ogle the boy. He was in the wellness center the same time I was one day all hot and sweaty and the shorts - OMG, yum. Today he was in tight jeans that clung to all the right places and cowboy boots. I had a hard time not drooling or giggling.

That's my life in a nutshell right now. I'll scribble more if I can find a few moments.

Can we just skip this day?

It would be one thing if I actually had the man who has my heart in my life like I want him in my life. Since he's not, this day sucks.

There has got to be a way for me to win on this one. For once I deserve to have what I want without having to beg, plead and constantly be hurt. There has to be a way to break the pattern.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Work has simmered down a bit. The idiot who's been stingy with data and had the balls to accuse me of several things had his ass handed to him. My boss hit him with the fact that what's he's been doing could be considered harassment, which could get him fired. He backed down after that.

I was able to, with some help from another co-worker, able to figure out what I needed to do for the Acrobat counts. Broke things out by version, then did a de-dupe. The de-dupe wiped out over 6,000 out of a 16k list. Now it's to go back and match licenses, upgrades and maintenance to the licenses we do have.

We're also in the process of getting a couple forms created to track the exceptions to the latest version. One will be in SiteBuilder until the other process can be built in our IT ticketing software, which is at least three months away.

My workouts continue five days a week. I lost three pounds this week. Yeah. Boo to the fact I lost a pound of muscle. I need to figure out what's going on, because I need to add 40-50 pounds of muscle to my frame in order to carry off 175 to continue with my platelet donations.

Other than the overtime and how painful that's been with a laptop that had hardware issues, same old, same old. Boring.

Another week

I really need to work on my work intention, like the one I have for my drive/ride.

The week was tiring and stressful. I'm tired of dealing with stupid men who think that going round and round in circles creating confusion is the proper way to do things. There are three guys in the department that think that by running ideas in circles that they can confuse people and get their way because only they know the straight path from point a to point b.

Sorry, boys, I'm on to your game, and I will not play it. When I call you on your bullshit, you damn well better admit that you've fubar'd the project beyond all recognition. Then leave me alone while I go back and fix the mess you created. Also, don't go throwing me under the bus to get me in trouble, just to get the spotlight off yourself. Ain't gonna work, and you only shot yourself in the foot anyway.

I've asked for a heavy bag to be installed in the wellness center. The gal who runs it agreed that it would be a good thing for people to come down and take their frustrations out on the bag instead of their co-workers. Some people might be afraid of it at first, until they see a few of us regularly taking a swing at it. I may even go so far as to put a photo sleeve on the bag, so you can put a photo of who it is that's frustrating you so the people around know who's pissing you off.

The stress is affecting my back, my weakest point. I've dug out a book I got a couple years ago on body building without using weights. She shows a different way to do crunches that keeps the stress out of your neck. Start doing those daily to help strengthen my back.

I've also ordered another stretching strap. I know I bought one last year, can't find the damn thing. Found the book, strap has disappeared. Have it sent to work so it goes right in the gym bag when it shows up.

Got my LiveScribe up and running. Took a few tries because the firmware didn't install the first time. It's recording now, and I've used it several times in meetings with the idiots above and for short conversations with my martial arts co-worker.

I was going to have a long chat with the martial arts guy yesterday. Since he lives 50 miles from work and it was snowing yesterday, he decided to work from home. Pffft. At least I can listen to what I have gotten out of him.

I've got Sufi to myself today for class, far as I know. Time to start asking for homework, what does he want to see me work on during the week. Show him I'm interested, taking this seriously. Pick his brain about what he would transfer to me if he could.
Then I come home and work on the deep trance identification script for him.

Need to do some shopping today as well. I need a new scale that accurately does weight and body fat. I also want to get a stop watch so I can time how fast I recover between my PACE workouts.

Time to get moving. Need to have lunch before I go to class.