Yeah...

What's been happening this week? A near meltdown on Friday resulting in a trip to Dr. Rory.

There is a lot of energetic shifting going on in the universe right now. Given that I'm a kinesthetic empath, I pick up on that and it amplifies what's going on in my own body. Whatever is out of whack get cranked up to a 20 on a 10 scale.

I started noticing it Wednesday night. I was doing dishes and was just stuck and in tears. Got through Thursday, but again Thursday night I was in and out of tears and ended up crying myself to sleep. Friday morning I was an utter disaster, in and out of tears on the way to work, in tears several times at my desk. Had a couple of encounters with the boy that were tense at best, bordering on when we were bickering in early March. I called to see if I could get in to see either Dr. Rory or Dr. Mike, Rory was open at 3 so I took the appointment. While I was working I made a list of all the stuff that was bugging me: an emotional wreck, the depression was overwhelming me, I'd been up several times with nightmares, gained and lost the same pound for six weeks, etc.

Rory read the list and said what a breakthrough. I'm looking at him, what are you talking about? The shadow, the ego is trying to squash the joy in our lives. I was so caught up in the pain that I couldn't see anything outside of it. Rory shifted the energy for me, reminded me about what I needed to know, being flexible and flowing. He suggested a glass of red wine when I got home and to just relax and be this weekend.

So that's what I've done. Cracked open a bottle of Bella Sera 2007 merlot - nice and smooth right out of the bottle. Sat down with a glass and some chocolate and watched TV Friday night. Yesterday I went to self defense class, came home and watched Avatar - The Last Airbender cartoon. Then I went to Best Buy to spend the $30 in gift cards I got for filling out a survey, picked up two martial arts DVD's that have six movies on each. Don't know if they are any good, but something to watch and pick up moves from.

The whole martial arts and eastern ways are coming back into my life again. During class things started to make sense yesterday. I could see the applications for what Eric was teaching us. I didn't have to think about it, the movements just fit.
I want to sit down yet today and make some notes on the various things Eric has been teaching us. The 12 elbows, the handwashing variations, the footwork. Start a list to practice on Monday and Friday nights when the floor is open in the wellness center and things to work on here at home.

Avatar - The Last Airbender is something the boy turned me on to. He and his 10 year old daughter have been watching it and are waiting for the movie to come out in July. I've been looking for it on Nickelodean, not realizing the cable company had a second Nick station. That's where I found it Friday night. I watched an hour yesterday morning, then caught three eps in the afternoon. Caught two more this morning, another three are on in a half hour.
I'll get the lessons I need from them.

Tabby and AB are doing OK. Tabby is starting to loosen up. She will now come out and eat when I'm home. She'll even come so far as to duck under the desk behind my recliner and watch me from there at night.

I'm starting to wonder if she's partially deaf, given her blue eyes. I say that because there have been a couple times in the middle of the night where I've walked into the bathroom, she's been using the litter box and I've completely spooked her. I've also been in the kitchen working away, she come out to eat and didn't hear me walking right up behind her or making noise to get her attention. That might explain why it's taken her so long to warm up - if she can't hear, or hears very little, she's constantly on guard.

I do need to catch her, soon. I haven't clipped her toenails in a while. I know how long they were when I brought her home, so I suspect they need clipping. One thing at a time.

Starting over

Some days I'm wondering if I should just scrap everything and start over again.

Today was one of those mornings. I've had moments lately where I feel like I'm barely surviving, which means I have no room to thrive. How can I get out of the mess I'm in when I can barely keep my head above water? And why isn't anyone else seeing me floundering?

People don't see me flounder because I'm too good at covering up. If I hide it from myself, no one else sees it either. People around me were clueless when I attempted suicide the second time. No, I'm not there, but it feels close.

I'm missing a lot of the basics. What do people do to get through the day, all the little things and decisions that they do without thinking because it's part of their basic routine. Like re-learning how to live after being in a metaphorical wreck, what are all the things that have to happen to make life work?

I've started an Excel spreadsheet with daily, weekly, monthly, semi-annual, yearly and other to do's. Across the top are the days of the month. I'll leave enough room in the boxes to write in how long I did something or to check it off the list. Highlight the weekends so I know those days I don't have to go to work or I do need to go to my martial arts class.

What's prompting this? I've got a voice mail from a creditor from Wednesday I still haven't picked up. I haven't picked up my mail in 5 weeks. Coming home Friday night I looked at the neighborhood through the boy's eyes instead of my own and realized I live in the slums. My house is a disaster, I haven't cleaned or picked up in months. I've been doing my weight lifting, cardio and eating right and I've been stuck gaining and losing the same pound for 5 weeks.

The other thing that set me off was wondering what I'll say to the boy if he ever figures it out and has the courage to ask. Part of me wants to be honest with him, part of me wants to hide it. We've been honest with each other so far...
There are three things that play into this: what I want, what I need, and what I expect. I want all of him: the lover, the fighter; the domestic, the wild side; the son, brother, father, friend; the vulnerable and strong; stone cold sober and drunk off his ass (he's never been drunk in his life...); calm and full blown rage; athlete and couch potato; teacher and student.
What I need from him, if he ever figures it out, is his patience, kindness and forgiveness. Patience with me to let me work this out of my system, to get the lessons I need from him and move on. Kindness to not notice if I slip, and forgiveness if I hurt or embarrass him.
What I expect... is what I've gotten in the past. To be ignored, told I'm not good enough, told that how could I ever expect someone like him to ever care about someone as ugly and unloveable as I am. I've heard these words exactly or in some variation from just about every male I've ever cared about from my father on. The only men in my life I haven' heard it from are Kyle, John and Jack, Dr. Mike, Dr. Rory and him, so far.

Someone on Facebook posted about Spokeo.com. It's a site that gathers info available from open sources on the web about you. The entry about me was relatively accurate - my astrological sign was wrong, as were a couple minor details. Yes, I looked him and his wife up. Accurate for the most part from what I know, there were some things I questioned.

It also got me thinking if that's the life I want to live. Knowing how much I don't like gardening because it's too much like farm work, would I have the patience and energy to keep up a landscape? Or would I come up with the money to pay someone else to do it? I've never wanted kids of my own - could I deal with his 10 year old daughter, the late teen daughter that's given him his first grandson, and his 22 year old son who still lives at home. Given the deer in the headlights look I get when I bring up energy work or other things that make my heart sing, could I deal with him not being awake enough to understand?

Lots to contemplate.

Gorgeous weather

Spring is finally here, at least enough to get Chael out of storage and on the road.

I actually got him out of storage a week ago. Talked the boy into picking me up on his way in to work and dropping me off after work. We talked about some of the rides he's done, the weather he's had to deal with.

Most of last week was rainy or windy, so I didn't actually ride again until yesterday. Ran up to the bookstore, cause I just needed something new to read that I haven't already read at least 10 times. Came home with a book on martial arts stretching and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.

Work has calmed down considerably. I put in 12 hours last Sunday trying to get ready for the removal on Wednesday. Late Monday afternoon the removal was postponed because of the soft freeze for the year end.

The company's fiscal year runs May 1-April 30. We have a hard freeze, where nothing can change in IT unless it's an emergency affecting the financial systems - ie a server goes down or something goes haywire. The soft freeze for year end starts three weeks ahead of the hard freeze, where the VP of IT has to approve any changes before they are made. Removing Project and Visio at this point isn't something the VP would sign off on, so we're waiting until after the freeze is done.

That's OK with me. We weren't ready to do the uninstall even with all the overtime I've put in. That buys me some time to get a few things done and caught up.

It also gives me time to test out the new way the project lead wants to do things. I feel like she completely ignored the previous documents I've written up explaining the process of how I did things. She didn't come to ask me about how I did things or why I did them or the reasoning behind it. Now I get to figure out if her way works or not.

I'm pissed and it also feels like I'm being set up to be removed again. My boss has told me my contract is being extended, but I haven't see it come through yet. Some of it could be year end and the lower VP not being in the office to approve the extension. Still, it feels all too familiar to what happened at the last job.

Been nice to have an entire weekend to myself. Didn't quite know what to do with it all. I've done the usual household chores. I've read. I crocheted yesterday while I was waiting for Taez's brakes to be worked on. Back to the copywriting class I suppose, get that going just in case...

Back to the zoo tomorrow. See what happens.

From the Cape

The last couple days have been insteresting, to say the least.

Friday was a LONG day. Up at 3 am to catch a 6 am flight. Arrived in Boston about 11, got the car and headed for the Cape.

Talk about ants in the pants kids. They were texting back and forth from the time we landed until we arrived in the driveway. T'Sh practically tackle hugged Josh, and they've pretty much been stuck to each other since then.

His aunt MK... Let's just say my dull, boring life seems pretty exciting compared to hers. I have hobbies and do stuff with my life. She watches TV, reads and works. How boring is that?

It also feels like she lives her life in fear. She was surprised to hear I ride motorcycle, even though I'd talked about it on Friday, she really didn't get that I do own a motorcycle and ride until we were coming home from Boston yesterday.

She's really strict about little things that in my mind aren't worth picking fights about. Things like sitting up straight in the back seat on the way to Boston, how he eats, how much he eats. MK made a nervous wreck out of Josh's sister when she dropped a mixing beater on the floor that hit the cabinets and her dress on the way down. MK hasn't learned to pick her battles yet.

She'a not an easy person to warm up to, either. I've been wracking my brain to find topics to talk about. There's just not much there to work with. If I met her in a 'normal' context, she's not someone I'd choose to be friends with. Yet here we are, being cordial and tolerating each other for the sake of our niece and nephew.

Like I told T'Sh on Friday, I'm trying to do for her and the other five the things none of my family did for me. I'm here to listen, to haul her butt out to MA to meet the boy she loves (and has fallen even harder for). I'm also here to pass on what I've learned the hard way, explain the pain of being cheated on, the bio-chemical side of what happens when you have sex and how that effects your feelings and life.

The kids are down on the beach at the moment. T'Sh wanted to build another sand castle and lay out (even though it's windy and cold). I'll wander down in a while with the camera and get some pix of them so I can post them on Facebook for both of them (and post in my cube).

Later we'll head back to MK's for supper. It will need to be an early night, as we need to be on the road by 3 am. It's a 90 minute drive back to Logan and we need to drop off the car before we actually get to the airport and through security.

When we get home, I need to go to the office for a meeting. Show her a bit of cube life, introduce her to my boy. Then we need to head out and meet her mom half way so I can get stuff pulled together for Tuesday.

Other interesting things have happened, but I'll save those for later. Not so much for the kids, but the Universe trying to get some things through to me.

Happy b-day to me

Another year older. Yeah rah, yippy skippy, yabba dabba do.

No, I am no enthused about this day. It's another of several days during the year I'd just rather forget. Or, if I had a few things from the Harry Potter universe, then I could make it a day I'd want to remember.

Since I don't have access to those things, life goes on.

Got a few things done already this morning. Hit Target, got stuff for the trip. My personal supplies are packed - one thing done. Got the hair cut, stopped at Batteries Plus for a small flashlight that can be used for self defense - it's really bright and the face can be used as a kubaton or to support your fingers if you need to punch someone.
Then off to the grocery store and home. Clothes are sorted, so I'll do those tonight when I get home, along with the cooking.

Tomorrow has to be a work day. After a few really nasty emails to my personal box, the boss FINALLY got the message that the 850+ emails need to be dealt with. That bought us a week, so next week's removals and the Acrobat removals are now pushed back a week while I play catch up.

They boys in the support center know they need to do the EUSR's, and they are even willing to try to help with the email. I may take them up on that.

Amazingly, I've been pretty detached from the chaos. Since I talked with P about things, it doesn't matter. I do the best I can with the hours I have and screw the rest of it. The attitude shift may have something to do with the boy as well.

He's buried almost as deep as I am in the rest of the Microsoft enterprise wide true up. Like he said, he's so far behind he's running to try and catch up with himself. He's not willing to put in the overtime like I am - he's salaried - so it will just have to wait. I warn him when I'm going to be sending large chunks of little things his way so he knows and can work them into his schedule and to-do list.

We did get a bit of time Monday night. Not what I expected, most likely what I needed. That's what seems to happen when I'm trying to draw information out of him. He had several points to make. Don't attack when they aren't in your face. Stay calm when someone grabs your arm - if they pull you towards them, make use of that force to drive your elbow or fist into them. Use your body weight and what's around you.

I may have also found a place to play with my martial arts and self defense. I needed to stop at GNC because my shipment of whey protein is over a week late. As I drove by one of the strip malls in the area, I saw a window front for Crystal Fight Club. Yes, they focus on the MMA stuff, which at this point is a little too hardcore for me. But they offer Judo, which I think would play well into the rest of my self defense instruction.

Depending on the reply I get, I may go check them out. If they are open to having women, I'll offer my other skills like massage, therapeutic coaching, photography and writing.

Still here...

Another busy week.

Work got a bit more crazy than usual this week with the first of the big removals happening. Lots of chaos and a few unhappy people. Oh well.

My boss took three days off, so she was out of the office when all this happened. Actually, that was OK because it left me feeling calmer while the chaos ensued. I could work as I work best, instead of her trying to tell me what to do with what I feel are incorrect priorities.

Also had a long talk with P Tuesday night as well. That gave me some perspective on the whole details to big picture to what other people are seeing. Most people don't understand the details. I do. That means I need to translate the high points to them and be OK with the fact that they just don't get it. I do, and that's all that really matters.

My temp started on Thursday, which added to the chaos. Got her started on the Acrobat analysis. She can putter with that while I get the help from the Support Center going on processing the EUSR's. That leaves me free to deal with the now 600+ emails and the Europe and AP pushes.

The boy is now a grandpa. His daughter gave birth on Thursday to a healthy baby boy. I found his comments interesting as I ribbed him over IM about being a 'gumpa'. I wrote him that his grandson is going to give him a run for his money, and will be even more of a handful than his oldest two kids. His reply was that for this one he'll be there from the beginning. Hmmm. I suspect that story will come out eventually.

I do get some alone time with him tomorrow night, barring any more issues that arise. I asked him to give me some pointers before I go to Boston, how to handle some situations. He had booked time Friday, that went out the window with the birth. I expect we'll get some time tomorrow night.

Met with an interesting group of people yesterday. Three of us were in the same therapeutic coaching class, the other is a friend of one of the others. We're at a similar point in life, dealing with similar things. We'll get together every couple weeks to talk through things, hold each other accountable, help in between with situations as they arise.

Something I need in my life. Missing that connection, the chance to bounce ideas off someone who gets me at the level I'm at. People who won't give me the 'deer in the headlights' look when I say something because it's not over their head.

Now to go start all the chores I need to do before I go in to work, and workout. Another long day in front of me.

Update

Another crazy week at work. Too much to do, not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I put in 60 hours last week and it wasn't enough. My boss put me on a project that took three days. In those three days over 400 emails and almost 300 end user software requests came in. I finally got some help on Friday to get through the EUSR's, which I finished yesterday. I should have spent today going through the email, I just couldn't bring myself to even turn on the laptop.

I'm giving it all I've got and some days I feel like I'm being set up for failure again. My boss tells me I'm doing a fantastic job, yet others who are clueless feel like they can pile even more work on me. My boss got a taste of how long it takes to do email and EUSR's after I blew up in a meeting Thursday morning.

Meanwhile, plans continue for the trip to Boston. Finally booked hotel today. Now I need to look for a car rental. I'm starting to get concerned about this trip. I've talked to the boy and asked him to have his aunt call me. Have nae heard boo yet. I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't want us to come out. Hopefully I'm wrong.

The new weight loss and muscle building plan is starting to show results. From when I started tracking my weight four weeks ago to today I've let go of nine pounds of fat and have gained almost a pound of muscle in the last week. My body doesn't show it, but the numbers do. It's a start.

I'm not liking the cooking part so much. It takes 5-6 hours over the weekend to prep and cook the food, then weight out and portion out everything. Eating 7 times a day can be a pain as well - every 2-2.5 hours I'm eating something, be it one of my protein shakes or food. Ugh. But it's working.

Oy...

Overtime. Love the money, not so sure I like not having time to myself.

I've been putting in weeks of 15-20 hours of overtime since the end of January. I've got at least seven more weeks of it to go. The powers that be have mandated that the whole company has to be trued up for Project and Visio by the fiscal year end May 1.

I am so far behind, even with the overtime. I'm supposed to be getting someone to help, but what we've interviewed so far isn't going to help me. See what else the contractor system can come up with.

A trip to Boston is in the works as well. I'm taking my oldest niece out to meet her Facebook boyfriend for the first time.

Other than that, a few moments here and there to ogle the boy. He was in the wellness center the same time I was one day all hot and sweaty and the shorts - OMG, yum. Today he was in tight jeans that clung to all the right places and cowboy boots. I had a hard time not drooling or giggling.

That's my life in a nutshell right now. I'll scribble more if I can find a few moments.

Can we just skip this day?

It would be one thing if I actually had the man who has my heart in my life like I want him in my life. Since he's not, this day sucks.

There has got to be a way for me to win on this one. For once I deserve to have what I want without having to beg, plead and constantly be hurt. There has to be a way to break the pattern.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Work has simmered down a bit. The idiot who's been stingy with data and had the balls to accuse me of several things had his ass handed to him. My boss hit him with the fact that what's he's been doing could be considered harassment, which could get him fired. He backed down after that.

I was able to, with some help from another co-worker, able to figure out what I needed to do for the Acrobat counts. Broke things out by version, then did a de-dupe. The de-dupe wiped out over 6,000 out of a 16k list. Now it's to go back and match licenses, upgrades and maintenance to the licenses we do have.

We're also in the process of getting a couple forms created to track the exceptions to the latest version. One will be in SiteBuilder until the other process can be built in our IT ticketing software, which is at least three months away.

My workouts continue five days a week. I lost three pounds this week. Yeah. Boo to the fact I lost a pound of muscle. I need to figure out what's going on, because I need to add 40-50 pounds of muscle to my frame in order to carry off 175 to continue with my platelet donations.

Other than the overtime and how painful that's been with a laptop that had hardware issues, same old, same old. Boring.

Another week

I really need to work on my work intention, like the one I have for my drive/ride.

The week was tiring and stressful. I'm tired of dealing with stupid men who think that going round and round in circles creating confusion is the proper way to do things. There are three guys in the department that think that by running ideas in circles that they can confuse people and get their way because only they know the straight path from point a to point b.

Sorry, boys, I'm on to your game, and I will not play it. When I call you on your bullshit, you damn well better admit that you've fubar'd the project beyond all recognition. Then leave me alone while I go back and fix the mess you created. Also, don't go throwing me under the bus to get me in trouble, just to get the spotlight off yourself. Ain't gonna work, and you only shot yourself in the foot anyway.

I've asked for a heavy bag to be installed in the wellness center. The gal who runs it agreed that it would be a good thing for people to come down and take their frustrations out on the bag instead of their co-workers. Some people might be afraid of it at first, until they see a few of us regularly taking a swing at it. I may even go so far as to put a photo sleeve on the bag, so you can put a photo of who it is that's frustrating you so the people around know who's pissing you off.

The stress is affecting my back, my weakest point. I've dug out a book I got a couple years ago on body building without using weights. She shows a different way to do crunches that keeps the stress out of your neck. Start doing those daily to help strengthen my back.

I've also ordered another stretching strap. I know I bought one last year, can't find the damn thing. Found the book, strap has disappeared. Have it sent to work so it goes right in the gym bag when it shows up.

Got my LiveScribe up and running. Took a few tries because the firmware didn't install the first time. It's recording now, and I've used it several times in meetings with the idiots above and for short conversations with my martial arts co-worker.

I was going to have a long chat with the martial arts guy yesterday. Since he lives 50 miles from work and it was snowing yesterday, he decided to work from home. Pffft. At least I can listen to what I have gotten out of him.

I've got Sufi to myself today for class, far as I know. Time to start asking for homework, what does he want to see me work on during the week. Show him I'm interested, taking this seriously. Pick his brain about what he would transfer to me if he could.
Then I come home and work on the deep trance identification script for him.

Need to do some shopping today as well. I need a new scale that accurately does weight and body fat. I also want to get a stop watch so I can time how fast I recover between my PACE workouts.

Time to get moving. Need to have lunch before I go to class.

Running...

Some days it feels like I'm running in circles, or stuck on a hamster wheel.

Put in 18 hours of overtime last week trying to catch up and stay ahead of what's going on at work. Had 10 hours on the weekend, plus Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. I've got to put in some time today as well. Do it at home where I've got only a cat or two to distract me, not more than a few idiots running around.

Yes, the money is nice. I got both my quarterly bonus and 10 hours OT on the paycheck Thursday. My check was almost double what it normally is. Means I can catch up on a few bills, pay things ahead. I'll be able to pay the mortgage out of next week's check and still have money left over. Sweet.

As for the four footed distractions... AB has finally warmed up to me. He's been funny this week, in that he's been doing laps around the living room. He'll start out in his usual corner, peek his head out around the couch and look at me. Then he'll quickly slink across the living room to behind the love seat, walk behind my recliner, then try to get by the recliner on the way back to his corner. I started putting my hand down on the side of the recliner so he could smell me and get a bit of a pet on the way by.

This morning he decided to come out from under the end table next to my recliner. With a little encouragement he hopped up on my lap and let me pet him for a half hour. Then he whined about the litter box, so I got up and cleaned that out.

He's been purring and talking up a storm ever since. Loud freakin' purr, too.

Tabby, on the other hand, is still in hiding. I couldn't find her earlier in the week, looked in every known hidey hole. Finally looked way in the back of my closet and found her there. I scared her out yesterday and caught her. She didn't fight back. She was panicked, so I just held and soothed her as best I could, then let her go.

Now that AB is OK with me, I'm hoping he'll talk to Tabby and let her know I'm OK, too.

The martial arts/self defense class is going OK. Sifu gave us an idea yesterday about how to practice elbow and other strikes. He suggested tying a whiffle ball to a string and hang it in a doorway. Then you can adjust the height of the whiffle ball to give you a different place to strike at. He also noted that some boxers have used the technique to improve their dodging skills. Start the whiffle ball moving, then shadow box and move as the whiffle ball comes back at you.

Had a rather sad moment during the class as well. Sifu asked us to move to the mirror to understand how one of the elbow strikes works. Watching myself in the mirror doing the strike was humbling. I had the strike down, but looking at just how big my body really is hurt.
Body perception is WAY off. What size I see myself as and what I saw in the mirror were two very different things. Yes, it's a goad to get me to really push myself during my workouts. I don't want to be this body any longer. It took me time to get here, it will take me time to get to 175.

My chats with my martial arts co-worker continue. The chats have been insightful enough that with some of my well gotten gains I've purchased a LiveScribe pen. It can record conversations or meetings as you take notes. That will be handy for classes I take. It also means that I can unobtrusively record my conversations with him so I can collect the knowledge he's imparting on me.

I asked him if he and his dad were thinking about writing an e-book to put on their website. It's something he wants to do, just hasn't made it a priority yet. I also asked if they had ever taught any self-defense classes, and they have. It's been a while - the early 1990's - since they did one, and they need to update their stats, etc. I may suggest he bring it up to the Wellness Center about teaching the class at work.

No matter where he teaches it, I'll be there. I'll also drag my nieces with as well. Wouldn't hurt them to learn how to defend themselves.

So, time get get moving. I need to upgrade the OS on my Mac so I can use the LiveScribe. I need to do all the usual Sunday stuff like washing clothes and dishes and making lunch and supper for the week. And once I get things rolling, perhaps record a deep trance identification script as well.

New kids

The new kids are doing OK, far as I can tell. Most of the time I find them camped out under/behind the end table I have in my prosperity corner.

AB's been funny today. He'll sneak behind the couch, slink by my recliner, then walk over by the door and peek at me as I've been washing dishes and making yogurt. He'll sit there and watch me do my thing. The moment I move out of the kitchen he's gone.

When I was having my lunch of baked chicken and grapefruit, he was sniffing around my chair. I slowly put my hand down where he could smell the chicken. Sniffed my fingers, did a bit of a head butt against my hand. When I went to pet him, poof, gone again.

Haven't seen much of Tabby girl. I'm presuming she's under my bed, though I haven't look there today. She still spooks really easy. She's the one that will take the longest to warm up.

It's like they've gone back to being wild. They've had so little human contact that they are afraid to let someone in again. That's what Jodi picked up Wednesday night.

I can sympathize, I know all too well about letting people in again. In some ways the three of us are much alike - can we learn to trust and let others in and still be safe? It may be aloof of me, but I'll let them come to me when they are ready.

Can I do that in my own life? Do I reach out or sit back? Do I trust and hope I'm treated with respect and gentleness? Or do I expect the worst, which is what I've gotten in the past?

Yeah, the cats and I are in much the same pickle.
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Been a busy weekend. Work is piling up to the point I don't have a choice but to put in overtime. Acrobat was added to my plate on top of already having a full workload. The things I need to get done for Project and Visio have to wait until I get done with the Acrobat stuff.

I'll be taking over more of the Acrobat stuff come Tuesday. My boss met with with the VP of risk management about Acrobat and how poorly its been handled. Acrobat will be taken away from the person who has been handling it on Monday. Tuesday we need to come up with a new communications plan, communicate to all the people I've previously worked with and do this the right way.

The person and his boss who flubbed it up will be unhappy about it. The boss FUBAR'd the Vista rollout, so I'm not surprised this went belly up.

So, yeah, I'll take the overtime. Ten hours last week, I've already put in 7 so far between yesterday and today, and I know it will be long hours this week. How long will I have to keep this up? Not sure. Depends on how swamped I get, how far behind I am.
At the moment I should be working, however I keep getting kicked off the VPN. I'll give it another 10-15 minutes and try it again. Too much to do to be goofing off.

The money can go towards a trip to Boston with my oldest niece. Thankfully AB and Tabby aren't on a schedule like Shadow was, so I don't have to worry about being home at a specific time to feed them.
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Self defense class is going well. Got the instructor to myself again yesterday. I really need to work on my footwork and coordinating my hands with my hip rotations.

Got to talking with one of the guys at work that I know is into martial arts. I was about ready to pound the joker mentioned above, so I went to talk with this guy. Since he teaches tae kwon do, he knows his self defense. I was telling him about my class, had him look up the website. He likes how Sifu is teaching, and I may even be able to talk him into coming in for a class sometime. (Just listening to those two talk theory would be an education in and of itself. Watching them spar - that I would want to videotape so I could go back pick up what happened.)

He really encouraged me to ask questions. He's thinking that by asking questions, I show I'm interested. Being at every class on time, etc, shows Sifu I'm serious, so I'll start getting the little extra pointers. That I can do. I'll also pick his brain every chance I get.

Then it occurred to me - I'm a certified therapeutic coach, why not do a deep trance identification on both Sifu and my co-worker. Pull in the years of skills they have, the muscle memory, the theory and practice. Pull those into my being, then integrate them so I can make use of what they know and do.

One more thing to add to the to do list.

When one door closes...

Another one opens.

In this case, as the door closed on Shadow's life, I was able to open a door for two more that most likely been euthanized at the Humane Society.

Meet Tabby, 14, on the left, and AB, 15, on the right.

And yes, there is more than a passing resemblance between AB and Shadow. AB is a lithe little boy, more refined than Shad.

Someone here on LJ saw what their mom had posted on Freecycle and posted it in the Twin Cities group. I saw it Friday night and offered. Got the email address, emailed mom, told her I could take both of them. The above photo is from her.

Went down after my martial arts class Saturday afternoon to pick them up. They had AB already crated, Tabby was hiding and didn't want to come out. So I brought AB home Saturday and told mom we could meet up on Sunday to get Tabby home. She came home Sunday night.

Right now both are very skittish. AB at least will come out, slink by me to use the litter box or get something to eat. Tabby will do neither while I'm awake or here. They are content to hide under and behind an end table at the end of the couch. I figure they will come out when they need attention. Otherwise, nary a squeak out of either of them.

I've got an appointment with my favorite animal communicator for tomorrow night. I want to let them know they are safe and loved here, and that they can ask Raini and Shad about how well I took care of them. I also want to check in on those two, especially Shadow, to see why she manifested cancer in her body when she didn't need to.

Other than that, I'm on week one of what I expect will be a journey towards me getting in and staying in shape. I'm aiming for 175 pounds, which may seem a bit high for a 5'6" woman. My lean muscle mass is already 140, so by adding 10-20 pounds of muscle, I can easily be at 175 with enough body fat to keep my cycle going.

The 175 goal is due to my platelet donations. I have to be at 175 or above to continue to donate triples every three weeks. Something about the amount of plasma they have to pull out. Add muscle, remove fat, I hit 175 and then I stay there.

My plan is to do body weight calisthenics Monday and Friday, PACE cardio on Tuesday and Thursday, kettlebells on Wednesday and martial arts on Saturday. Sunday's my day off. Should be enough variety that I don't get bored, cause I'm changing the exercises every 4 weeks for the calisthenics, cardio changes go from 4 to 6 to 8 weeks.

Well, kids, time to toddle off to bed. I have a presentation tomorrow where I go over in detail what I've been doing for the last year. Formatting bullet points in Word sucks. If I can get in early and get some peace and quiet I should be able to finish it up by 10.

RIP Shadow

The second worst day of my life is here. I had to euthanize Shadow this morning.


I noticed after I got back from New Year's that she smelled funny and was drooling. She wouldn't let me look in her mouth. Finally made time this morning to get to the vet. The vet opened her mouth and found that most of her lower jaw was consumed with cancer. I wasn't about to put her through more pain.

This is another one of those that I knew when I took her in this morning that I would not be bringing her home alive.

The house is going to be really quiet now. Well, except for the neighbor and his loud music. No more waking up at 3 am to her howling/toning, trying to get the energy to move for me. Or 5:30 am to get me to feed her.

Shad and I didn't always get along. She was a diva brat, right up there along with the worst of the human divas. She hissed and growled at everything she wasn't happy with. She growled at life in general right up to when the sedative finally kicked in.

As much as I hated her at times, I still loved her and will miss her.

Rest in peace, Shadow. Go play with Raini, Duke and Poochie at the Rainbow Bridge, and I will be there eventually.

I like Wednesdays

Quiet evenings, that's why.

Other than kettlebells kicking my butt and back. Hey, at least I'm continuing with it. Third set of 8 weeks.
I was also in the wellness center Monday night working on my footwork, did a bit of ladders with the kettlebells and stretched.

In my digging around the house I found some David Carradine videos I'd picked up in the early 90's. One is on kung fu, the other tai chi. The kung fu video has a great stretching routine that I need to get into the habit of doing. I know everything is tight - part of the reason why my back hurts during kettlebells. Get things loose and moving again and I'll be in better shape.

I finally figured out how to connect my VCR and DVD/HDD work together so I can move these videos to DVD. I moved the kung fu video on Sunday, I'll work on the tai chi this weekend.

I continue to have interesting conversations with my co-worker about his energy thievery. We got into it a bit yesterday and that conversation left me in limbo as to whether or not I can ever get through his thick skull. Today, different ball game. Talked to him for almost an hour this morning trying to figure out why Visio wasn't loading on someone's computer, then we got sidetracked on other work issues. Caught up with him around 3 and had another interesting conversation. That one was prompted because another female co-worker had talked to him about something where he came off as an arrogant son, as we were talking about her gifted child and her latent abilities she's afraid to use.

This one got a bit closer to where I wanted to head. I told him yet another person came to me about how I deal with him. He admitted it might take him a couple days to a couple weeks to get through his head what he's doing. I told him I'd nicknamed that part of him the Hulk because it's so much bigger than him, or him as a 7 foot, 400 pound linebacker. He liked that idea because he was a linebacker, center and nose tackle on his high school's football team. The conversation rapidly deteriorated from there, it feels like I'm making progress.

The conversation with the mother of the gifted child was interesting. We'd had a meeting about what I'm doing, talked about what I'm seeing with ITAM, etc. As we were coming back to our floor, I told her about my massage therapy and running and teaching energy work, and the questions just started coming.

Her oldest son is 7, and since he was little he's talked about the lights that have kept him up at night. He's not afraid of them, but he does get nightmares. He's also tapped in to past lives, where he was his mom's grandfather. Mom, of course, is a bit unsettled by it because she has latent talents that she's not acknowledging. For me, this stuff is completely normal, and I told her that I'd be more than willing to come out and talk with her son about it. Let him know it's OK, there are adults who have these gifts as well and use them. And maybe along the way mom will start owning her own talent and developing it.

Where to start?

Yes, we're almost 10 days into 2010 and I'm just now sitting down to post for the first time in almost three weeks. Been busy, what can I say?

Work continues. My contract has been extended out to the end of April and I suspect will be extended again after that. I'm no where near done with what needs to be done for Project and Visio, let alone having Acrobat and Visual Studio also added to the pile. I suspect my blogging time may get shorter as the prospect of overtime soon approaches. I'm almost at max capacity now with 40 hours, adding more to the pot means more hours. My boss is aware of it and may be able to leverage that into adding another person.

The holidays were ok. Got to spend Christmas day with Dominik clan, then went out to Jones clan for New Year's. I did take the second oldest niece's boyfriend out with me. Good boy, kept his mouth shut on the way out and back.

The weekend was a great reminder as to why I don't have kids. There were 7 of them between 7 and 17, and all of them had some type of drama going on.

Unwittingly, I got myself in the middle of one of them by bringing the boyfriend out. The oldest has a boyfriend out in Massachusetts, so her younger sister having her boyfriend in the house hurt, a lot. I sat down with her before I left to find out what's going on. Once I got her to open up, the dam burst and it all came out.

Looks like I'll be taking a trip to Boston and Cape Cod, either in April or June. I suspect it will now be June, since their school was closed both Thursday and Friday this week, so they will lose their Easter break days off. That's OK, it gives both of us more time to save the money for plane tickets, hotel and transportation.

That also meant sitting down with the parents to explain to them what I was hearing. The oldest doesn't feel like they are listening to her, cutting her off in the middle of a thought, she loses her train of thought, gets angry and stomps off. So Aunt Beth steps in, clears the air. Now we need to hammer out some rules about how this trip is going to come together.

I can sympathize with her. She can talk to, email and text her boyfriend. The one that I care about, I can't let him know I care. He's married, his daughter is pregnant and due in March, and he doesn't yet know I know. I walk on eggshells, trying to be helpful without giving away how I feel about him.

I may not have a choice about it. I had a couple of meetings with him that left me energetically drained dry, even though I was sending him as much energy as I could. I finally called him on it, asking what he knows about energy flows. Turns out his father teaches tae kwon do, hapkido, tai chi and Qigong, and he's a tae kwon do instructor himself.

The sticking issue is the energy flows he knows are all internal - he doesn't yet know how to tap into the Universal energy source. Instead, he becomes an energy vampire and tries to suck people dry. I've had a couple people come to me and ask how I deal with him because he intimidates people with his intensity. I told him that, and he's a bit baffled.

Now I need to teach him how to tap into that Universal energy source. In telling him the story of how I know what I know, he may figure it out. Then again, he may not.

Meanwhile, he's given me a key to helping me let go of the weight. After I learned about his martial arts training, something in me clicked. I was emailing back and forth with P Monday morning, and about the same time we came up with the same conclusion. My body will let go of the weight as I learn how to defend and protect myself. That means going back to the martial arts, specifically kung fu.

Why kung fu? It's what calls to me. Blame it in part to Kung Fu: The Legend Continues and my lusting after Chris Potter. I did learn a few things from the show, and it brought into my life some books and tapes that I'm now digging out because I need them.

I'm also signing up for classes. This place follows the old traditions of not having belts and degrees, much like the Shaolin temple does things. You progress at your own pace and get what you need. I went to class today and was the only one there, so I got Sifu Naylor all to myself. We worked on basic footwork, basic handwork, a bit of self defense. There are three others in the class, two of which will be out for the next month or so. Looks like I started at a good time.

Bummer

I should have suspected something was up when Jones clan kids didn't remember to ask off for this weekend. And when their projector went kaput.

Whomever runs the party room rentals for my building either never got my check or completely blew off my reservation, because no one got a hold of me to get me the party room key. So I've called several places to see if I could find someone to get me in, no joy.

Then Jones clan called, they started out for the cities. Hwy 7 was crap, so they turned around and went home.

No holiday party. I was so looking forward to this. Spent $95 to rent a projector that now won't even come out of it's case. I was going to get new pix of the kids and family. Bah flippin' humbug.

Trying to reschedule is going to be a treat. G has Knowledge Bowl and speech tournaments most Saturdays right through my birthday, so Sundays are still an option. Question is when. Try it again, see what happens.

At least I got to see Dominik clan Christmas night for supper, and I'm going out to see Jones clan to sew cloaks on Thursday, so not a total loss.

So, I suppose, back to work. More like actually get the work I was supposed to be doing done.

Happy eve of Xmas Eve

Normally I'd say bah humbug right about here. Not feeling it quite so bad this year. Blame it on me being in lust.

Work continues to be a merry go round in things not getting done on time. I had to chew out both the packager and the SCCM boys today because they weren't playing well together. Since they are so much alike, they tend to point fingers at each other when something goes wrong. Shadow effect in full force between those two.

I made it very clear this morning when I sent out a meeting notice that no finger pointing was allowed and that I wanted answers and fixes. To say I was peeved at them is an understatement.

Anyway, meeting went better than I hoped. I've just got a lot to learn about how software is packaged, moved to SMS, then converted to SCCM. This is a side of PC's I never wanted to know. In doing software asset management, guess I'm going to have to learn. Pffftttt.

I'm looking forward to Sunday. Jones and Dominik clans are descending on my party room for the second annual DoJoKo holiday party. Dig out the Wii, put a 5 pound roast in the roaster, get some veggies and chips and dig in. It was a lot of fun last year, and will be even more interesting this year. Add in two exchange students, a boyfriend and his parents... it's gonna be a full house. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Meanwhile, a huge snow storm is headed to Minnesota. I'm hearing forecasts of anywhere from 7" to 20"+ of snow. It started sleeting around 2 when I was out and about and is supposed to snow all the way through until Saturday sometime.
As long as it doesn't top the Halloween Storm of '91's 30"+ we'll be fine. At least it will be in the upper 20's, not sub-zero.

My holiday plans? Work, other than a run to the grocery store tomorrow and a platelet donation Saturday. And the party Sunday.

Hope y'all have a good holiday. I'll post some pix of the party on Sunday or Monday.

gettin' stuff done

It's not even 1 pm and I've gotten a lot of stuff done today.
1. Washed three loads of clothes
2. Washed three loads of dishes
3. Made both regular and keifer yogurt, which are in the Nesco roaster
4. Washed out the microwave and various parts
5. Washed off the top of the stove, took the burners apart and cleaned them

I haven't stopped moving until I sat down to write this. Feels good to get some stuff done.

Might also help that I've listened to my "Get Around To It" paraliminal both yesterday and today. I listened to a couple others as well, and will again today. I've got them, might as well make use of them to help me help myself.

The cleaning bug is in part due to the fact I gave someone a copy of The Celestine Prophecy. His teenage daughter will present him with his first grandchild sometime in March. What he doesn't know, yet, is that child is a Crystal child and is going to come out asking questions. He's the closest in the family to waking up. I wasn't going to interfere until the book fell off the shelf into my hands twice, then the third time hit me on the head when I was sitting below it. Every time it fell out I thought of him. When it hit me on the head, I said OK, Universe, I get it, he needs this book. He finally walked by my desk this week so I gave it to him.

Once he reads it, he's going to have questions. I want to be able to bring him here so if he goes ballistic on learning how I know what I know, he has the space and privacy to do so. If I have control of the space, I can influence the outcome. Home turf advantage, shall we say.

In preparation for that, I re-read for the umpteenth time my copy of Celestine. There were several things I needed to be reminded of as well, things I need to work on myself. I'll work through the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Insights as well.

In a way, after my hate letters, Celestine is a good place to start over again. Remind me of what I already knew and hadn't looked at in a while. Get me back on the path again, the beginner's mind.
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My kids are growing up. Granted, I didn't have the fun of making them or raising them, but they are the closest thing I have to bearing my own.

G was down earlier this week for a teacher's conference, so I met up with her. Thing 2 told her she wanted a coat like I have. G mentioned it to me, and I said yes, I'd be willing to make her a winter coat like I have that is based on the Jedi cloak.

Thing 2 then told Things 1 & 3 that I was making a cloak for her, so now they decided they want cloaks, too. I suspected that might happen. So when they come down for Christmas, we'll head for SR Harris to buy the fleece and nylon fabric for the cloaks, the buttons, thread and cord to match. The following weekend I'll head out and sew like crazy for three days to put them together.

Thankfully it's a really basic pattern with only three parts. The hardest part is that the main body and sleeve of each side are cut out of one piece - depending on how tall the person is, that piece will be between 9-12 feet long. The only seams are at the sides and back - no shoulder seams. I don't have the room to lay out anything that long or wide. Jones clan, however, has a dining room and living room where we can lay out something that long on the floor and cut it out. Then it's sewing the back and under arm seams together, adding the hood, and sewing the fleece side and the nylon sides together and sewing the bottom closed.

Then I get an email from G. One of the two oldest evidently has a boyfriend here in the Cities. She's already asked Mom and Dad if he could come visit for New Years. The trick is if I will transport said boyfriend from the Cities out to their place.
I have no problems doing that. However, to keep everything kosher and safe, I told G that I want both her and at least one of his parents in on the email chain back and forth as we make arrangements. Then his parents know how to get a hold of me if something should come up, they know I'm legitimate, etc. Can't be too safe these days, and I'd rather be up front so his parents know who I am.

So, we shall see how this works out. My babies are growing up.

The fun begins

Not.

Since the communications and the EUA's started on Monday, I have not had time to think while I've been at work. I've come home with a headache every night because I'm concentrating so hard.

This is one of those top of my head blown off headaches. Not sure if I'm not getting enough carbs to keep up with what my brain needs for glucose, or if my crown chakra had just decided to blow open.

Either way, brain fried.

Then there's the Minnesota weather to deal with. We got our first snowstorm of the season. Ugh. I can deal with the snow, it's the cold I'm not fond of. Nor the wind.

At least the drivers I was moving along with at 30-40 mph were well behaved. On the news they said between last night and 1 pm today there were 669 accidents, three deaths and 300+ simple in the ditches. That's just here in the Cities, I think. South by Rochester they got a foot or more of snow.

Sorry I'm not more talkative. I'm too tired. See if I can get some energy this weekend.