My gray ghost

My grey ghost has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

For the last couple weeks Tabby hasn't been herself. In the last week she's been really wobbly, walking on her hind hocks (from her knees down), and her pupils weren't even. Since Sunday she's let me get close enough to pet her and pick her up without running away.

This was another of those days that when I made the vet appointment yesterday I knew I wouldn't be bringing her home. I got to hold her right up until they did the final shot. She knew I was there and I loved her.

AB is still going. We'll know tomorrow if he has hyperthyroidism for sure. I suspect he does given how much he eats despite his dental issues. I'll treat him like I did Raini - herbally and with energy work. No radiation or surgery.

I've got distractions coming in about a half hour in the form of the Jones clan. Mom and three of the girls are coming in for a concert. We'll drop the kids off at the concert and go enjoy ourselves.

I'll figure out what lessons Tabby had for me later.

Quick notes

Quick note on how things are going.

The new DSL is up and running. Had some fits and kittens to get my modem to work with Qwest, but now we're up to speed.

The new windows are in. That was an ordeal. I came home after a BNI meeting this morning to find my patio door WIDE open, two windows already torn out and a mess all over. Evidently the construction manager didn't bother to tell the crew I had cats or to only work on the office window until I got home so I could keep an eye on the cats. The construction manager will be getting a formal written complaint. The guys didn't bother to clean up after themselves, either.

Thankfully Tabby stayed under my bed and the open door didn't tempt AB to take a walk about.

I've made three BNI meetings so far this week. I've gotten one referral and one of the guys I talked to, his wife is a writer and his brother-in-law is a copy writer. I'll follow up with them next week once the website is built.

The next thing tonight is the third class for the website building. I need to sit down and write the content - at least now I know what content I need to write. Between meetings tomorrow I'll get that rolling.

Friday I head back to my old job to help the boys that took over my job. Sounds more and more like the boy will end up doing most, if not all, of my job. Cell phone guy is pushing back and not wanting to do what I assigned to him. Have a chat with them and my old boss about all of this and see where they want to go.

Ren Fest was a blast on Sunday. Spent 9+ hours walking around with Jones and Dominik clans. Made it before opening cannon and left not long before closing cannon. Due to a friend's generosity in getting the clan in for free, I am going back this coming weekend to pick up the sky chair I want. Since it's the last weekend, there should be some discounts so the merchants don't have to take stuff home.

Class is about to start, so more later.

Changes

Lots of things moving and changing in the next week.

Time to move up in internet speed. I've been using a local ISP since I hooked up to the net years ago. First it was Goldengate, who then got bought out by IP House. Now I'm running into the issue that Qwest limits the MPS that IPHouse can do. In my area I've maxed out at 1.5 MPS. If I want anything faster I need to move to Qwest as my ISP since they own the fiber optic backbone.

So I've bitten the bullet and put the order in to move to Qwest as my ISP. I'll email IPHouse and tell them to shut down as of next Thursday. Good timing, as they bill on the first of the month.

New windows are FINALLY being installed next Wednesday and Thursday. Given that my current windows are leaking like sieves in the monsoon we're dealing with, it's a really good thing. That I had to go round and round with the contractor to get those dates, not so fun.

Next Friday I will be back in my former office for most of the day. I'm having lunch with the boss who was out for my last two weeks so we can play catch up. I'm also meeting with the boy before lunch to go over stuff and with the cell phone guy after lunch.

The emails have been flying back and forth this week. Cell phone guy is trying to remember how to do something he should have been doing weekly - meaning he's three weeks behind on that task. That is causing the boy problems because he needs that weekly purchase data to keep up with the licensing tasks. Given how the boy can intimidate people, I suspect there is some friction between the two of them I may have to work on when I'm in the office next week. Mirrors...

House cleaning. Started in on the living room yesterday because there may be a Jones invasion tomorrow night. If everyone and the friend shows up that's 9 more people in a space for 1. It will be tight, but we can do it.

I can see most of the living room floor, which is a huge thing. No more carpet skating. I need to figure out what to do with my old cassette tapes and video tapes that have outlived their usefulness. Find new homes for things or move them out entirely. I sense another 'thing purge' about to happen.

I'm starting to pull stuff together for The Write Support. I've attended a couple networking events and have started handing out business cards. I'm also gathering business cards to connect with. I'm watching The International Freelance online conference today, trying to pick up info to help me get the word out. Between sessions I'm researching author groups, small publishing houses, virtual admins, copywriters, marketers, script/screen writers, playwrights, anyone that needs research done. (If you have ideas for others I should go after, comment with your idea.)

Next week I've got an online class that will help me build a marketing website. This class is specifically for freelancers in research, copywriting, writing and photography markets. They are offering four nights of class plus a critique of the site once it's up and running. There's also another class specifically for researchers, so I'll take advantage of that.

I also need to hit more networking groups. I did one yesterday morning. A small group, not so sure they would work with my long term plans. I need to see what other groups are available besides BNI. I'll hit BNI groups here on the west side of the Cities as an initial method to get the word out. I expect in the long term my pursuit of my target markets will bring me the most business.

And communication issues. Found out Sunday when P came over that my name wasn't in the entry door security panel. We went through it, I wasn't in there. Emailed the association so that's been fixed.
But it has caused problems. I had to go pick up a package from UPS in Maple Grove because they couldn't find me on the directory. Now I have to go to St. Paul because Fed Ex drivers are crap. They attempted to deliver once, then sent me a post card. I will not use Fed Ex because they are so unreliable about delivery.

Finally, for the first time since I got my driver's license, I weigh less than what my driver's license says I do. That means I'm 40 pounds lighter since I started tracking in February. Still got a ways to go, I'm almost half way there.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you need to get sick before you can get better.

Such is my life this past week. I picked up a job, supposedly Tuesday to Friday, for a medical device company that takes other companies products that have been used, clean them up, refurbish them if they can be, and sends them back out for use. This can include anything from surgical tools to pacemakers, defibulators and more.

Been working in the HR department doing all sorts of things. Part of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and most of Thursday I spent stuffing T-shirts into envelopes and mailing them. I've scanned, re-wrote policy, figured out how to add drop down lists to Word docs and more. Yeah rah. I got extended to tomorrow, so I can finish up all the stuff they wanted done.

I also got sick. Friday morning I woke up to a really unhappy gut. Got a few bites of breakfast down, then dealt with pain the rest of the day, along with a bit of a fever. Came home, crashed in my chair to sleep off the worst of the fever. (I'm a firm believer in letting a fever run it's course. The body creates extra heat to kill whatever is ailing you.) I slept from 5:30 Friday night until 7 the next morning.

Went to the farmer's market to get a few things, stopped and picked up plain yogurt on the way home to see if the gut would tolerate that. It did, and the pain subsided as the day went on. I felt good enough that I went ahead with plans to see a new friend for supper Saturday night.

SS is someone I met on the job and was my main Accounts team contact. We didn't find out until shortly before I left that we had a lot in common. I'd given her some of the Alison Armstrong stuff, so she offered to cook supper for me.
What a joy that turned out to be. Turns out we have much the same view points on spirituality, food, cooking, how the world works, what to do about the men in our lives. On top of working full time she's also attending Le Cordon Bleu cooking school at night.

Now, granted, I'm not about to go to cooking school, and I'm far from a foodie. I do like to cook and play and see what I can figure out. And I love eating things that taste good, smell good, and are good for me. Add in good conversation with someone who gets what I'm talking about... ahhhhh.

So she's coming up to my house in October (AACK!) so I can cook for her. (Gives me a deadline to clean house.) I'm thinking a pumpkin or squash soup, a leg of lamb or beef roast and veggies, and some type of dessert. She can bring a good cabernet or merlot and we'll eat and talk.

I have another reason to clean house that comes in less than two weeks. G is bringing two of her girls to the Muse concert October 5 and needs a place to crash. Then they can drive from here to Willmar the next morning to deal with other issues. So, first I must find bottom to the living room so that the sofa bed can be pulled out. And I need to fix my recliner so it too can be used as a bed.

Got a call from my former boss Thursday night. The !@#$%^&!! VP cut her budget, and the first thing he cut was the money to bring me back in November. They are in the middle of a hiring freeze, so she can't even bring in the rest of the people she needs to make Win7 happen.
We're in the middle of figuring out when we can do lunch, so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I suggested she plan a meeting with the two guys that took over my job after lunch so they can vent and ask questions. Then she can hear and ask questions as well.

I am taking care of myself in the process. Friday and Saturday this week is the International Freelancer's Day online conference. Since it's no cost and covers topics I need to know about, I'm taking the time to watch it. It's perfect timing to help get The Write Support off the ground.

Energy and resources

Physically, I feel like my energy and resources are tapped out. I've been sleeping as much as I can this last week and it still doesn't feel like it's enough. Whether that's from the low carb flu, since I'm cutting back on the carbs as much as I can, or from the sheer physical exhaustion of working 88 straight weeks with no down time, doesn't matter.

I have gotten a few things done between naps this week. The resume has been updated for admin work and turned in to the staffing company. They found me a four day job for next week at another local medical device company. It's something they need done with Publisher, so I'll spend four days doing that.

Been pulling together stuff to do my taxes. I've got the profit and loss statements done for both the farm and Inquire. I've found a few tax documents, at the moment I have yet to find my W-2 from the staffing company. I may have to do some scrambling on that one. Hopefully the local accounting office can print me a new one so I can get my taxes done tomorrow afternoon. Or the Universe is kind enough to point out to me where the first copy is in my mess of a house.

In pulling the tax stuff together I have found a bit of the house. The kitchen table is kind of cleared off. Not enough to actually eat at the table, but getting there. I can see the surface of it. I can also see under the table, where all the dust bunnies are at.

Went to see Dr. Rory Friday. He could sense my exhaustion, yet he said there was a vigor underneath waiting to be tapped into. He gave me permission to keep napping and taking care of myself. While poking and prodding he found three nasty knots in my ribs, besides the rib that won't stay in place. Not surprising since I was figuratively tied up in knots for weeks about the job.

Been working on some stuff for my internet research business. Been looking up virtual admins, small local publishing houses, authors, copywriters, marketers. Anyone who needs research done. I need to move the website to a different provider so I can get a basic front page built. I've got a class in a couple weeks on how to write a specific internet research site to bring in business.
There are a couple chamber mixers coming up that I'll hit, along with some BNI and other networking groups as I get time in the coming weeks. Get my name out, get the emails out, get this thing cooking.

As I've told the boy and others, I'm getting tired of this merry-go-round. I need some stability. Even if I do the internet research part time and put the money away as a slush fund, it helps. If I do get my job back, then the money can go towards having plastic surgery next summer. Or I can get a different vehicle. Or I can look at moving out of this @#$%^& place I live in.

This place I live in... I suspect we've got some big issues we're about to get hit with. The structural engineers have warned us to not use the decks and catwalks because they are structurally unsound. Now it turns out there may be even more structural problems with the building. There's an owner's meeting Thursday night to get the latest.
I suspect a good tornado would be the best thing for this place. Take it down by an act of the Universe so they can start over again.

Didn't hear from either of the boys this week. I suspect they are at the 'I don't know what I don't know' stage. Drop them an email and let them know my availability. Also didn't hear from my boss, don't quite know what to think about that, other than I know how crazy her schedule can be.

So, back to conjuring up a W-2.

The boy

Ok, so I promised a post about the boy. See how far I can get without bursting into tears. Hopefully I've cried myself out on this one. If not...

The tears are of joy, not of sadness. Joy because somewhere along the line he figured out that I had feelings for him. Joy because he continued to treat me as a sister even after he figured it out. And most of all, joy because he's still willing to be friends.

Most of last week is still a blur. I was working 12-15 hour days trying to pull together all I know about software licensing into a form the boy and the cell phone guy could use and remember. I used my Livescribe pen to record as much as I could, thinking at the time that when I watched him walk away on Friday that I would not see him again.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday with him, either in meetings or one on one. He's very process driven, how does this flow from one thing to the next? Not everything I was doing was logical in his eyes. A lot of what I was doing screamed for automation, so his head was going a mile a minute on how to create a properly laid out and normalized Access database, then tie SCCM and PeopleSoft or Oracle into the database. He'd jump ahead of me, asking questions that were three or four operations ahead of where we were at.

He was a lot more open last week. More willing to talk, let me poke fun at him, physically let me touch him, poke him in the belly when he said he wasn't a marshmallow. I mentioned to him one of the gals I've been working with is going to cooking school, which set him off on a 10 minute spiel about how he likes to cook, how he tweaks recipes, cooks on weekend mornings.

All last week I've been pulling together a gift for him, the cell phone guy and the project manager. I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago about finding Alison Armstrong and her work after studying men for 20 years.

For the cell phone guy, I included the Radical Forgiveness audio. He's still got a huge chip on his shoulder from his father abandoning him and from the kids he grew up with calling him a bastard. He's getting high blood pressure and migraines, I suspect because of the unresolved anger that still comes through.
For the project manager, I gave her an audio book of some of Alison's work. She's raising four boys and one girl, plus her husband. Hopefully it will help her understand her boys better and help her daughter when she's old enough to understand.

For the boy, I gave him everything. A copy of Radical Forgiveness, if not for himself for what his oldest daughter will have to endure as a single mom. All of Alison's work, from the Conversations that introduced me to her work, to The Amazing Development of Men, Keys to the Kingdom, Understanding Women and Celebrating Partnership. I also gave him Celestine back.

As I walked him out - I still had a lot to do before I could go home Friday night - I was in a fear-full place. I was sure at the time that when I watched him walk away it would be the last time I would ever see him. I wasn't hearing much of what he was saying.
I did hear something about there being someone else in the cities that looks much like him with the same interests and personality.

He needed yet another shot of caffeine and a snack for the ride home, so we walked over to the last vending machines before you walk out of the building. I did manage to get out that he had been a blessing to me, and that the biggest reason he's been a blessing is that I knew he had my back. By this time I was in tears, and when I said it, the next thing I knew he'd pulled me into a hug and didn't let go until I did.
He told me he was only an email or a phone call away. Something about hope being for laying around on the couch at night, the next morning you get up and do. And that there was someone out there waiting for me.

That was when I finally had the a-ha that he knew. For how long I don't know, but somehow he knew I cared about him and was still willing to be friends with me. Willing to be a reference for me. Willing to continue our martial arts conversations by email - at his home email address. Willing to do lunch if I'm not half way across the cities, and if I am it will just take some more planning to make it happen.

That's why I've been in a state of shock over the last couple days, and bursting into tears when I think about this. Knowing how I feel about him, he's still treated me like a sister and is still willing to stay in contact. There's no words to describe the comfort and safety knowing he still has my back.

Some day I will ask him how and when he knew. What did I do, how did I slip up in my hiding? It will be interesting to find out when it became obvious to him. I need to know so I can better hide my feelings in the future.

He was perfect for me in all but two ways - not quite awake and not legally available. All the rest, the little things like cooking, his height & build, his manners, the way he treated me, the martial arts and motorcycles, etc, etc, etc are all the things I want and need in someone to be my life partner. I'm hoping the next one is the one. A friend that has all the qualities I'm looking for that I can learn to love, respect, trust to have my back and more.

Well done...

As in brain fried, emotions fried, physically fried well done. I suppose I could say job well done as well.

Yesterday was my last day at the job. I think it's been clear I didn't want to go and the people I was working with didn't want me to go. Contracting rules made the decision for me.

In four and a half days I did my best to hand over what I've been doing for the last 20 months to two of the best men I know: the boy and another guy. The other guy has been working with me since February to help with the data analysis, so he's got an idea of what is going on.

The boy (who will get a post of his own tomorrow or Monday when I don't start crying every time I think about him) has been... willingly and unwillingly... picking up the daily stuff I do. Since he's so process driven, he nitpicked everything I was doing to understand the how and why of it. He got ahead of himself in some ways ('be patient,' I'd tell him, to which he replied 'I don't have patients, I have victims.') Hopefully he understands it and remembers it when he comes back next Wednesday.
He's also going to look at automating this as much as possible. He's got some experience in Access database management, and his wife is an Access whiz who could, for a week or two of work, come in and build a database that could hold all the data long term.

I told both of them to call me with questions, things they need explained, and that I'm willing to come up for refresher courses if they need.

What doesn't help matters any is that the project manager is done next Friday as well. Her contract is up and she's moving to a different project in the company. That leaves the boy essentially in charge. He's got a big mouth and is willing to use it, so we'll see what happens.

The people I talked to this last week were amazed that the VP's and others were not willing to make this happen. They are talking to their bosses (who have some power and pull) to go kick the VP in the butt. It simply comes down to the fact that I saved the company at least $1.4 million in recycled licenses on two applications alone, and who knows how much will be recycled when the analysis is finished on the other four applications.

Meanwhile, I'm tired, physically and emotionally. I put in 12+hour days the last couple weeks, and Thursday and Friday were long.
I've already been in to donate platelets this morning and hit the farmer's market on the way home. I need to go eat lunch so I can go to my martial arts class, then go to Whole Foods for groceries. Then I am coming home to sleep and relax for a a while, put my nose in a book and forget about things.

Maybe then I can pull things together to get on with the rest of my life.

Done waiting

I've got a lot to do in the next four days.

None of the VP's could see their way clear to pull enough money together to hire me. And there is no word if I will be back after 60 days or not.

I'm not entirely surprised. Just sad that they can't see their way clear at the moment.

Good news is, it takes two men to replace me. The finance director realizes that her cell phone guy can't do it all, so the boy gets to pick up half of my job. I think it will work, actually. Cell phone guy can continue with the analysis part and watch over the email box. The boy has access to the secure AD groups and knows GRS so he can do the RFC's, set up the uninstalls, take care of license transfers for the secure AD groups, stuff like that.

Neither one of them deserve to have this dumped on their laps.

I've set up a meeting tomorrow afternoon for the three of us to sit down and go through my day so we can figure out who does what. The boy wants to flow things out and add headers to my how to's so he knows what to do. He's also got training to do so he can approve the EUSR's.

Lots of overtime from now until Thursday night, and I won't get paid for a cent of it. I'm doing what's right, to leave the boys in the best shape possible. That's all I can do.

Suppose, better get back at it. Asia Pacific finally got us their Acrobat data, so I need to get that in so they can figure out how bad off things are.

Continuing to wait

I don't know what to think or feel at this point with the job situation.

Here's the latest. Yesterday I was asked to put together a detailed list of what I do and how long it takes me to do my job. I mind mapped it all out and the project manager took it to the finance director. Finance director then realized that she can't add another full time job to her cell phone guy that's been helping us out. She wants to see ITAM continue in some form, as does a higher VP. So the finance director asked the project manager for more numbers to take to the higher VP and his council on Monday morning.

There are three options.
1. Hire me at a full time equivalent so I can keep doing what I'm doing and keep this project alive until such time as the computer system is ready to take on asset management. Even then, there will still be plenty of analysis work to do as more applications come online.
2. Hire a contractor to come in and cover for me for the 60 days I have to be out, then let me come back and keep going until I can be hired under the next fiscal year budget.
3. Pare the entire program back. Reconcile licenses once a quarter and call it good until they get hit with another big audit.

So, let's hope that the higher VP sees the value in continuing this program and will pony up the money to hire me.

Had lunch today with one of the gals I've worked with on and off. She's on the accounts team and has helped me with setting up stuff in the GRS system. We talked about the job situation and what she has seen. We also talked about men. I gave her a copy of Keys to the Kingdom and the Conversations. I think she will learn a lot and be able to use the information with the two men that she has feelings for. In return, since she's going to school to become a personal chef, she'll make me dinner some time.

I did tell her about the boy. She understands the attachment. She also agrees that I need to tell him what a blessing he's been in my life. He's going to get copies of several things - all audio since he doesn't have time to read other than his college textbooks (which I've dangled PhotoReading in front of him to help with.)

His situation has taken a turn. His wife was going to turn in her resignation today. She was a database admin at a local grocery chain corporate office. Things are just as crazy there as they are at our workplace, so it was a matter of who reached the breaking point first. They can make it on just one of their salaries, but to be comfortable both need to be working. Plus they both traded vehicles about a month ago - she traded her Mustang for a Cube and he ditched the Focus for a blue HHR.

So, a third weekend of waiting, hoping, wondering. In between all the work I need to do I guess I need to do some more forgiveness worksheets and move some stuff.

Still waiting

Still waiting to find out the final answer as to what is going on.

Had to wait until Wednesday to find out the meeting with the VP went poorly. My boss is about ready to strangle the VP because he was such an idiot from the start of the meeting. He said no money, no program for now, and funding for ITAM is sketchy even at the start of the next fiscal year - next May.

We have one more chance to keep this program going. The finance director realizes that if we shut this down now, its not a good thing. The finance director has pull with the VP that is directly under the CIO, and above the other VP that said no.
We can self fund this program by charging back for the licenses that were bulk purchased in June 2009. That would give us about $750k to fund the program. That could pay for the program for a couple years. Even if we only charge back for part of the licenses, it funds this - specifically me - until next fiscal year when I can be added to the budget as an FTE.

Emotionally it's been a wild week for me. I've been swinging between grieving, being angry, sad, in tears. Ugh.

Went to see Dr. Rory to get my body worked on. His thing last night was attachment. I'm so attached to the outcome of this. Hello? Tell me how to NOT be attached to this. Help me figure out how to de-tach from this.

I get it consciously that my biggest lesson in this whole mess is how to not be attached to the outcome. What I have yet to find is the method, the HOW of not being attached. For all that I have read and done and worked through, I have yet to hear or read an explanation of the mechanics of not being attached that is understandable.

Add to this my skull being out of correct shape, so I've been dealing with headaches. And not sleeping well. Some of that has to do with the cortisone levels in my body being out of whack, so even if I go to bed at 9:30, I'm not falling asleep until 10-10:30, then waking up at 2:30-3.

Two things to try and fix that. Rory recommended a different sleep aid, so I tried that last night. Fell asleep around 10:30, slept straight through until 5:45, then dozed until 6:15. So I'll try that for a while. The other thing is I'm getting my hands on a Brookstone anti-snore pillow.

I know I snore. Both parents had sleep apnea which didn't help their lives any. I've wanted to try this pillow for a while, but haven't been able to find it locally. One showed up in the Classified Ads the company I work for does every Friday. I was the first one to email about it, so I'll pick it up on Monday.

I've got a lot to do this weekend. I need to work, as there was too much I couldn't get done during the week with all the interruptions and not being able to concentrate. Do what I can in the next 10 days, then hope I have several more years to get done what needs to be done.

Waiting...

Waiting... biding my time. I'll find out late tomorrow afternoon whether the VP says yes to hiring me.

Meanwhile, work on what I can. Do a few forgiveness worksheets. Listen to the audio book of Radical Forgiveness I picked up today. Read through Radical Manifestation, see what I can do there.

Whatever happens, I will be fine in the long term. Short term I may be crabby and pissy and missing the boy.

Thinking of him - he's one of the first I want and need to do a forgiveness worksheet on. Forgive him for not being able to love me like I want and need him to. Be grateful he even considers me a friend. I suspect he will be a gateway into many things that I need to forgive and let go of. Start with the easy one and move into the harder stuff.

Finally got word on when my windows will be installed. Right now they are scheduled for September 6 & 7. Somehow I don't think they will start the install on Labor Day. I'm grateful for windows that are solid, rain right, have working weather stripping. I will have to figure something out with the window in my office. Right now I have Gallery Glass on it - fake stained glass that's plastic. I'm not even sure Gallery Glass is still made. If it is, I'll probably do a new design that lets light in and keeps the nosy neighbors out.

Then there's the garage door. I was leaving for my platelet donation and the garage door wouldn't go down. Took at bit of a look at it and the rollers are jumping the tracks. Get home after the donation to take a really close look at it. The door is bowed out, the track on the right is bowed to the right, so the whole door is tilted and unusable. I've got it closed as far as I can go - getting the bike out will be a pain. I already put in an email to the association to get it fixed, see what happens.

One door closes, another opens?

Challenges

Challenges... It's a word the boy is not fond of (understatement), but it describes where I'm at for this moment.

The people in charge of keeping track of contractors like me are telling my boss I've reached my two years as of August 27 and will not allow her to extend me beyond that date. Doesn't matter that losing me now would be one of the biggest disasters for the program, I'm at two years and need to take a 60 day break.

The only way around it is to get me hired. The VP that my boss needs to talk to isn't back in the office until Monday, so she needs to get on his schedule. She needs to convince him that in order to continue taking IT asset management forward and bring this company into the 21st century they need two people hired now. If she goes after two and gets one, it's me. If she gets both, yeah, we get more accomplished.

My boss has talked to this VP previously about setting up ITAM and funding it. He bought into the idea and approved it at the beginning of the fiscal year. We were waiting on the finance director to get over her need for details and approve it as well to go forward with it. She's been stalling over the last couple weeks.

One obstacle in the path: supposedly IT is $2 million over budget right now. Frankly, IT is going to be even more over budget as Win7 rolls out. Technically, hiring me is not in the budget, even though I've already paid not only for the last 83 weeks of employment, I've paid for a couple years worth. What I'm doing ties right in to bringing Win7 in, locking down the environment, locking down what applications are used, keeping the software companies off our case by being properly licensed from the get-go.

Another obstacle is me. Taking the Gamma class reminded me that I have a lot of core beliefs I need to work through. Beliefs about my worthiness, being love-able, abundance, etc.

When I was out and about on Saturday, I picked up Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness. It was a book Dr. Corey and others in the class recommended. Started reading it tonight and am in about 4 chapters. I can see why they so highly recommend it.
The question is, can I work through it fast enough to apply it to this situation? Can I bring peace to myself enough to let this job manifest and happen because I do so deserve it and can continue to make a contribution?

My boss wants me to book extra hours the next couple weeks so I can stay until September 3. That gives me time to pull things together in case we can get another temp in to cover for me until I can come back the end of October.

I am eligible for unemployment this time. It's been over two years since the other job fiasco, so that's cool. I'm looking at getting my writing business up and running to supplement the income as well.

I have faith that this will work out. Somehow, some way, this will work out.

The only question is, do I tell the boy or not? Maybe leave him a letter with instructions to not open it until Christmas - by then we'll know for sure. I feel like I need to let him know the blessings and lessons I've learned from him, with him, the gifts he's unknowingly given me. I've got a couple weeks - and with a little luck that's a letter I won't have to write at all.

Where'd July go?

Aack, August already?

I would say, where do the days go, it's the perception of the passing of time that's the real issue.

What have I been up to? Took another Gamma class this weekend from Dr. Corey Sondrup. This is a repeat of the one I took back in February. This time I just listened, soaked it all in.

Work continues. Had a few wrenches thrown in the works. One of the guys hired put in his two week notice - he got hired full time somewhere else. I'm disappointed but not surprised. Another has been pulled off the licensing project to work on other things so it's down to me and the first gal we hired. She's not the brightest bulb - I need to be very specific with how I want things done, then she will do them correctly. Left to her own devices, the data is a disaster.

To add to the mess, the finance person that is the driving force behind this is now stalling on actually hiring anyone, including me, to make this a permanent thing. I've already shown that in the year and a half I've been working on Project and Visio I've recycled over $1.5 million in licenses, not including what we'll do for Acrobat and other software.

I've got 4 1/2 months left before I'm at 2 years. Technically at 2 years you need to take a 60 day sabbatical, then you can come back. I'm eligible for unemployment at that point, but still...

I need to pull some ideas together for manifesting. I need to manifest the finance person letting go of her (and whoever else is behind it) stalling, buy into the fact that the company needs to do IT asset management and go forward with hiring me. We also need an engineer and I think my boy would be perfect for it. He's done this before and knows what needs to be done. He and I work well together, even if we're butting heads.

Got together with the family the 24th. Met at Bryant Lake Park in Eden Prairie, grilled, had a good time. From there I went to a high school friend's house. Hadn't seen her in at least 8-9 years. She's married and has a 3 year old little boy.

Been going for walks after work. I'm thinking I need to move my walks to the early morning. It's 85 outside with a heat index over 92 degrees and will be worse tomorrow and Wednesday. If I go to bed early tonight, then getting up at 4 to walk won't be so bad. And a whole lot cooler. Walk, shower, then meditate. I think that works.

Get to talk to the boy on occasion. We played tag on the road in one morning, and walked in together. Went for a walk when I got the news the one guy was leaving, and another when word came that hiring me is on hold.
Today he had on a light orange polo. First thing I thought of when I saw him was sherbert, then that he looked like a giant dreamsicle. Delicious, yes, but light orange just doesn't work on him. I'm presuming that's one his wife picked out - bad choice. If he picked it out, then he fully deserves any ribbing he gets about it.

That's things in a nutshell.

Weather woes

Ugh, I am not fond of bad weather, and we are in the middle of ongoing severe weather. It started this afternoon and we have warnings going for at least another two hours tonight. There have already been several tornados on the ground, along with lots of straight line winds.

This line is moving at 55 mph, so it's moving out quickly. Still, it's enough to rattle me.

---
Changes in supplements may not be helping me. I sat down with Bristlecone on Thursday to go over my test results. The results were not good. My hormones are seriously out of whack - estrogen is really high, putting me at risk of ovarian cancer. My cortisol is low, which means my adrenal glands are in exhaustion, which could move to burnout and a very shortened life. My thyroid is putting out reverse T3, so I'm not able to use the T4 I'm putting out. I'm also low in bone marrow iron.

All together, I'm adding about ten more supplements to the ten or so already on my list. Things like ferrochel iron, vitamin C, and betaine HCL for the iron shortage; raw thyroid and GTA to balance thyroid; Isocort to supplement the cortisol; progesterone cream to balance the estrogen overload; flaxseed oil caps and high EPA fish oil to boost Omega-3 levels and help take down the inflammation and reduce the risk of heart disease. They may also want me to add metformin to help keep the glucose levels down. I can do that through diet and more exercise.

I had to create a schedule of what to take when. It's a complex schedule, with different things at six different times of the day. Throw in the progesterone cream twice a day on days 12 to the end of my cycle and... ugh. Short term chaos to provide long term gains. Get things straightened out now so I can have a long life. Be around to spoil 'my' kid's grandkids.

Gaining (losing?) ground

I just realized, after doing some formulas in my weight loss tracking spreadsheet, that I have let go of 26.8 pounds of weight since February when I started tracking.

That is just under 10% of my starting weight I've let go. It's almost all fat - my muscle mass has fluxed about a pound either side of 90 pounds the whole time. If I can keep this muscle mass as I continue to let go of the fat, I'll be right where I want to be when I'm at my goal weight of 175 - and I may be able to go higher than that.

I tweaked my spreadsheet because of something Dr. Rory said Friday night. He asked me if I'd really thought about about what my weight loss means to me, how it really impacts me. When he asked me, I hadn't thought about it. What does letting go of the weight mean to me?

Letting go of the past. Letting go of the toxins that have been stuffed in my body, mentally, physically and emotionally. Letting go of the things I've let hold me back in the past.

What am I gaining? My physical health. I'm physically stronger, have more endurance and cardiovascular health. My acne is pretty much gone. I'm more interested in being active, in trying new things, or in the case of martial arts, going back to something I've been interested in for a long time. I'm also gaining some confidence as well.

Long term, what does that mean for me? As I continue to let go of the fat and gain strength and confidence, almost anything is possible. I re-gain some control over my life, even if it's just an illusion. An illusion can be as real as I want it to be.

One of my first goals on letting the fat go was to hit 250. That is easily within sight now, just a couple of weeks away. I'm better understanding what I need to do to let go of the body fat. Part of it has been following what Bristolcone set up for eating patterns and food. Another part is learning more about the Primal/paleo lifestyle, which is based on the work of Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories. (High protien and high fat, low carb diet like our primitive ancestors ate.)

The next part is to get back to more primal exercise. I've been reading Mark's Daily Apple, the website tied to The Primal Blueprint. The more I read, the more it makes sense to me. The food choices are right in line with what I'm doing through Bristolcone. The exercises get back to the basics, like bodyweight exercise (squats, lunges, pull-ups, push-ups, jumping jacks). So, time for me to do the same.

I've taken the last two weeks off from lifting. One of the last self defense classes left me with bruised knees, so I took the week off to heal. Then I took another week off to see if I could let go of weight without doing any exercise. Didn't let go of any weight the first week, did the second. Now to add in the bodyweight exercises and see what happens.

Listen to my body. Eat when I'm hungry - truly hungry, drink when I'm dry, sprint when I feel like it, lift heavy when I want to, take a nice walk daily otherwise. This is something I can do for the rest of my life.

Now, my body is hungry, so I'm gonna go make some supper.

Well...

Don't quite know where to start. Actually, I do, just where to go with it.

Thursday morning the boy asked me to be a reference for him. He's fed up with the BS enough that if he doesn't get the answers he wants in the next month he's going to start looking for another job.

My heart crashed through the floor when he asked. I told him I don't want him to leave, and he answered that he doesn't want to leave, either. He's reached his limit - he's in the numb, doesn't care, yet the clarity is starting to come in. He's starting to wake up and realize there is so much more to this world.

Professionally, I don't want him to leave. He's still got way more to contribute, not only to the SCCM team but to licensing and ITAM as well. He's been through this before at other companies he's worked for, and he's got a lot of good ideas on where to take things. He's even willing to take a couple days to write a couple scripts for me so I can take care of putting people into and out of the uninstall collections.

I also know he has my back. He's helped me deal with the idiots we're working with, and the jokes about what to do with all the dead bodies we plan on leaving behind has been good stress relief.

Personally... beyond the broken heart and not being able to see him on a regular basis, I'd miss our chats. Motorcycles, the idiots we work with, martial arts, his kids and grandson, his sarcasm and wit. His gorgeous body and face (hey, I'm human, deal!)

I asked him what he wants, how does he want the situation to turn out? At that point he wasn't real sure. I'll keep poking him on that until he does get a clear picture, so then I can focus on it as well.

For now, I'll send him my info so he has it for references. I'll also be asking the universe for an outcome where I get to keep him in my life and he's happy with whatever outcome happens.
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For some people, this is a three day weekend, given it's the Fourth of July tomorrow. For me, I gotta work. However, I've taken some steps to start being able to comfortably work at home. I hit MicroCenter this morning to buy two-20" monitors and some other goodies to set up my work desk here at home. Now I need to go clean off said desk, set up the monitors, dock, keyboard and other stuff so I can actually get some work done.

I've got a boatload of stuff I need to do. Most days last week I was almost constantly being interrupted by people coming to my desk, phone calls, IM's, one crisis after another. Put one fire out, another flares up. I've got some stuff I need to have done by Tuesday night, but several other things have to be done before I can compile that data. Set up the desk tonight, maybe put in a few hours. I may work all day tomorrow and part of Monday, see how much I can get done.

If I get a lot done, one of the things I may do when I get hired is ask for the ability to work from home at least one day every other week, maybe even every week. Be available by IM only, if you call me it damn well better be an emergency that only I can deal with.
---

Otherwise... Chael is home and running very well. It's a relief to not have to worry about the chain and sprockets. The new Iso grips are helping. Not so much of the vibration comes through to my hands. Now I just need to get the throttle lock put on so I can rest my right hand once in a while.

Another week

Another week gone by. Yikes.

What have I been up to? Well, I'm writing this on my new iPad. Yes, I have invested in a 64 gig wi-fi iPad. I'd been thinking about getting a Nook, but it didn't make sense to me to spend $260 when for a bit more I could get the iPad that can do so much more. So yes, iPad it is.

I've ordered a hard case for it. I know my life, I need a hard aluminum case to protect it. I look at my work laptop and it's all scratched up from being in my backpack. I don't want that to happen to my new baby. There's another case I'm looking at for when I'm at work going between meetings. That one won't be ready until mid to late July, so I'll wait on ordering that one.

The weight loss with the Bristlecone Biology of Burn is working. I dropped 8.6 pounds the first week, gained back 2 the second, then dropped 6.6 pounds this week. I probably would have dropped more this week, but I had a co-workers wedding reception and dance last night. Between a glass of merlot and some chocolate, I had a bit of a carb hangover this morning.

What's a carb hangover? Well, when you've gone high protein, high fat, very low carb, especially no sugar your body gets into a certain groove and moved towards using body fat to provide glucose for the brain's needs. You add in sugar and alcohol and the body goes back to it's glucose mechanism. Not a good thing. It's as bad as a full on alcohol hangover. And like an alcohol hangover, a bit of sugar helps take the headache away.

Rhubarb. I love rhubarb. One of the vendors at the farmers market yesterday had organic rhubarb for $3 a pound, so I picked up 3 pounds. While I was baking the bacon, sausage and pork chops for the week, I chopped up the rhubarb and set it to simmering down. I added only a half cup of sugar, just enough to take a bit of the tartness out. YUM! I've been eating it straight out of the pan. It would be even better with ice cream or some heavy cream.

Chael is in the shop getting fixed. I wrestled him onto a trailer yesterday and got him up to the shop in Fridley. They took him off the trailer, I handed off the Kuryakan Iso grips and flew the trailer back to the rental place. They were supposed to put the new chain and sprocket, as well as the grips, on him yesterday. I'll pick him up on Tuesday, provided the boy can give me a ride.

Haven't said much about the boy lately. He's been up to his eyeballs in his own stuff trying to get the new Reader pushed out and the patches for the older stuff. He hasn't been able to do my RFC's to get the uninstalls done. That's OK, I knew that would be the case. What's been funny is how the SCCM team lead is dealing with it. There's one guy that's just a slacker - compared to the boy who has closed over 400 tickets, this guy has only closed 100 since last September. This guy now has to pick up the slack for not only the boy but the co-worker who got married, as she's out until July 6 and then may be gone for 60 days cause she's at her 2 years being a contractor.

See how things go. I suspect the SCCM team lead found out how hard the boy's job can be on Friday when they were trying to figure out how to put together an uninstall collection.

No plans for next weekend, being 4th of July. Haven't been invited anywhere, so I may just take a day ride on Chael. I've been itching to go hit some of the county parks and lakes that aren't too far out of the cities. I know I'll need to work during the weekend if I want to take Monday off, so I'll have to go see about getting a new monitor or two. LCD this time, no CRT's for this kid. One thing at a time.

I suppose. Need to go take the rhubarb off the stove, get it in the fridge. Take a few more bites before I put it away ;-).

Luck...

Some days I don't realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Case in point: Chael. I've been hearing some noise from him since sometime last summer. I asked the place where I stored it at to take a look at it over the winter. They didn't, and the noise continued. I called today and told them I would be willing to pay for a mechanic to take him for a test run. Bring him in, they said.

Got over there, the mechanic took him for a run. He comes back after the run... The chain is so loose that it's hitting the engine - that's the noise I've been hearing. The links are so weak after the chain stretched that it's a wonder the chain didn't break and take out the engine.

Now to ride home after hearing that? I called on every angel, arch angel and spirit guide I have favors with to get us home safely, which we did. Chael is getting trailered back up there next Saturday.

We ordered a new chain and sprocket while I was there. It will take at least 5 business days for those to come in, so next Saturday will work out fine. They will also put the new Kuryakyn grips that I ordered. They can't put on the throttle lock due to liability issues. Still, the grips will be nice to get done professionally.

More luck than sense... Not always true, but this time... yes. And I am very grateful for it.

Mid June already?

The older I get, the faster the days go by. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

The good news is that the BOB (biology of burning) diet is working. I've let go of 8.5 pounds from Monday morning to this morning. This week hasn't been the easiest. I haven't been totally craving sugar, although last night would have been very easy to give in to some chocolate or wine.

It's an addiction to sugar. What I'm finding is to not resist it - what you resist persists. It's moreso acknowledging that my body is expecting sugar, wants its desires fulfilled. I understand that and I consciously chose to not fulfill that short term desire in favor of the longer term goal.

Did cheat twice this week. My body was craving milk on Friday, so I gave in and had a glass of 2% milk with lunch. I also had two chocolate disks that I get from Whole Foods - they didn't taste that great. The milk I wasn't worried about - it has enough protein and fat to balance the carbs, and it kept me from being hungry three hours later.

Now that I know this glucagon thing is working - the longer I go between meals the more glucagon can be produced - I can deal with the hunger pangs. Short term vs long term.

Thinking of short term vs long term.... The question came up from the PM this week as to whether I'm going to stay or not. It's been rolling around in the back of my head, but I really hadn't made a decision until it came out of my mouth. I said yes to staying.

No word on when I'll become an employee. The PM and my boss are still trying to work through a budget and anticipate costs on things they know nothing about. They are trying to do that in the middle of my boss trying to get Windows 7 up and running.

Lots of things will be fast tracked in the next couple months. Looks like I'll be in the middle of it.

May I have another, please?

The old saw goes that God/Universe only gives you what you can handle. Some days I wonder about that.

On top of the shenanigans of last week, I got word Monday that I had another funeral to attend this week. An uncle on my dad's side died Monday morning. The funeral was yesterday.

I haven't had much to do with dad's side of the family. There was one Christmas where the clan was at my parents house and I was pretty much completely ignored by all the cousins. That was the end of my associating with them on a regular basis.

Because of that, they were really surprised when I did show up yesterday. No one was expecting me to be there. Talked to the guy that rents my farmland. His daughter is about to give birth to twins next week - first grandchildren and the first I'd heard of it. The family about dropped their jaws when they saw I was there.

After the funeral I went back to the house to chat with the family. Discovered that one of the people I work with is a sister-in-law to my cousin's wife. That will be an interesting conversation.
We talked about the various memories of those who have gone before now. Stories of helping others move, the various sayings, things like that. All the things that made them unique.

As a side note, I went for a walk with the boy Wednesday to talk about the work situation. I wanted his perspective since he's dealt with the PM, he knows our boss and he knows me. I told him about getting hit not only with the PM, but the lockout, the health stuff and then the funeral. He mentioned something about grief.

Here's the catch - I'm not grieving for this uncle or the aunt that died a month ago. They weren't a daily part of my life. I would grieve more for the loss of the boy were he to do something stupid and lose his life than I will for any of my blood family. My created family I will grieve for when their time comes. They have had more impact on my life, shown me what family could be like, and are people I actually care about.

All that may change as I work through letting go of the weight and changing the hormones. More layers to surface, things to deal with.
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The financial issues will soon be taken care of. The credit union had no problem extending my loan, didn't blink at the request. I've got a call into the association's lawyer to find out how much the payoff to them will be. Then I can get the new windows ordered, pay for the siding, and get them completely out of my hair. Get the other bills paid off and I can breathe a bit easier.

The health issues are already starting to turn. I decided in prelude to starting the BOB diet that I would cut back to three meals a day this week, trying to go at least 5-6 hours between. The idea is to give the glucagon a chance to really burn up the fat.

It's also been a test to see if I can stay away from the sugar and simple carbs to blunt coming off the sugar addiction. So far, so good. Yesterday was a challenge with the off schedule for the funeral. I won't be back on a normal schedule until Monday. That starts the broth fast for two days, then starting the BOB plan.

Now, if there were just enough bandwidth to get the VPN up and running...