The boy

Ok, so I promised a post about the boy. See how far I can get without bursting into tears. Hopefully I've cried myself out on this one. If not...

The tears are of joy, not of sadness. Joy because somewhere along the line he figured out that I had feelings for him. Joy because he continued to treat me as a sister even after he figured it out. And most of all, joy because he's still willing to be friends.

Most of last week is still a blur. I was working 12-15 hour days trying to pull together all I know about software licensing into a form the boy and the cell phone guy could use and remember. I used my Livescribe pen to record as much as I could, thinking at the time that when I watched him walk away on Friday that I would not see him again.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday with him, either in meetings or one on one. He's very process driven, how does this flow from one thing to the next? Not everything I was doing was logical in his eyes. A lot of what I was doing screamed for automation, so his head was going a mile a minute on how to create a properly laid out and normalized Access database, then tie SCCM and PeopleSoft or Oracle into the database. He'd jump ahead of me, asking questions that were three or four operations ahead of where we were at.

He was a lot more open last week. More willing to talk, let me poke fun at him, physically let me touch him, poke him in the belly when he said he wasn't a marshmallow. I mentioned to him one of the gals I've been working with is going to cooking school, which set him off on a 10 minute spiel about how he likes to cook, how he tweaks recipes, cooks on weekend mornings.

All last week I've been pulling together a gift for him, the cell phone guy and the project manager. I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago about finding Alison Armstrong and her work after studying men for 20 years.

For the cell phone guy, I included the Radical Forgiveness audio. He's still got a huge chip on his shoulder from his father abandoning him and from the kids he grew up with calling him a bastard. He's getting high blood pressure and migraines, I suspect because of the unresolved anger that still comes through.
For the project manager, I gave her an audio book of some of Alison's work. She's raising four boys and one girl, plus her husband. Hopefully it will help her understand her boys better and help her daughter when she's old enough to understand.

For the boy, I gave him everything. A copy of Radical Forgiveness, if not for himself for what his oldest daughter will have to endure as a single mom. All of Alison's work, from the Conversations that introduced me to her work, to The Amazing Development of Men, Keys to the Kingdom, Understanding Women and Celebrating Partnership. I also gave him Celestine back.

As I walked him out - I still had a lot to do before I could go home Friday night - I was in a fear-full place. I was sure at the time that when I watched him walk away it would be the last time I would ever see him. I wasn't hearing much of what he was saying.
I did hear something about there being someone else in the cities that looks much like him with the same interests and personality.

He needed yet another shot of caffeine and a snack for the ride home, so we walked over to the last vending machines before you walk out of the building. I did manage to get out that he had been a blessing to me, and that the biggest reason he's been a blessing is that I knew he had my back. By this time I was in tears, and when I said it, the next thing I knew he'd pulled me into a hug and didn't let go until I did.
He told me he was only an email or a phone call away. Something about hope being for laying around on the couch at night, the next morning you get up and do. And that there was someone out there waiting for me.

That was when I finally had the a-ha that he knew. For how long I don't know, but somehow he knew I cared about him and was still willing to be friends with me. Willing to be a reference for me. Willing to continue our martial arts conversations by email - at his home email address. Willing to do lunch if I'm not half way across the cities, and if I am it will just take some more planning to make it happen.

That's why I've been in a state of shock over the last couple days, and bursting into tears when I think about this. Knowing how I feel about him, he's still treated me like a sister and is still willing to stay in contact. There's no words to describe the comfort and safety knowing he still has my back.

Some day I will ask him how and when he knew. What did I do, how did I slip up in my hiding? It will be interesting to find out when it became obvious to him. I need to know so I can better hide my feelings in the future.

He was perfect for me in all but two ways - not quite awake and not legally available. All the rest, the little things like cooking, his height & build, his manners, the way he treated me, the martial arts and motorcycles, etc, etc, etc are all the things I want and need in someone to be my life partner. I'm hoping the next one is the one. A friend that has all the qualities I'm looking for that I can learn to love, respect, trust to have my back and more.