gifts

Given that Raini barely ate Wednesday night, and wouldn't touch her food yesterday, I asked my boss if I could work from home today, so I could have time to be with Raini. She understands how much Raini means to me and gave me permission. I've got the laptop here, so I'll turn on the wireless, go plunk my butt on my bed, find Raini and spend the day working from there.

Working from home today also allows me to call and start the arrangements for her cremation when the day comes. I don't have to worry about the boys overhearing me, wondering what's going on.

Rain has taken to try and find dark hiding places. I was a mean mommy and put two comforters around the perimeter of the bed so she can't get underneath it. She tried hiding under one of the end tables in the living room. I pulled up the cloth that's on the table so I can see her, but it's still kind of dark. She finally retreated to a two tier hammock I bought for them a couple years ago. As long as I can see her and find her, I'm OK with her semi-hiding.

I understand her retreating. It's a way of giving yourself and people around you distance so when we know what's going to happen, happens, it doesn't hurt so much. I did that when Mom was dying, after her cancer diagnosis. Hell, I'd been pulling away for years before that.

Pulling away doesn't change the grief levels in those who are still living. It may slow down and even twist the grief process. In grieving for Raini, I'll be grieving for Mom and Dad as well, doing all the steps in the right way this time. It's no use skipping the steps, they come back to bite you one way or another.

So, it's that time of the morning. Plug in the wireless, haul the laptop to my room, set up everything else. Then go find Raini and enjoy our workday together. She can't be any more distracting 'in person' then she has been all week.

Time and timing

We talked to the animal communicator tonight (not the one I'm speaking for in July).

We're at a matter of days, possibly a couple weeks before Raini's body gives out. She knows the end is near, just not quite sure what to do when she gets to that point. We'll both know when it's time.

Raini's spirit is still that of when she was 4-5 years old, yet she speaks of her body in past tense. She can't see as well, which bothers her. Her tummy is queasy, which is why she hasn't eaten much the last couple days, except when I hand/spoon feed her, and it has to be soft and soupy.

She's at peace with herself, grateful that we had a chance to clear the air. J had a hard time putting into words all the love, gratitude and devotion Raini feels for me, and she knows how much I love her as well. She wants me to remember the fun we had, the cuddle times we've had, to remember the good stuff and not so much what we're going through right now.

And she does understand when I tell her to go out her heart. She showed J a scene of her on her back, her spirit connected to a parachute coming out of her heart and going up. Funny and sad at the same time. That's my Raini.

Part of what Raini is waiting for is the next cat to come into my life. It's like she wants that one already here before she goes, so I don't have to put up with just Shadow.

Shad's a whole 'nother ball game. If she was human, she might have a split personality, definitely issues with brain chemistry. She's sweet and cuddly one minute, pitching a hissy fit the next. She knows something isn't right, but doesn't know what to do about it. Hence, the frustrating howling at all hours.
If she was human, I could do some coaching with her to help her. As it is... just run energy to her.

My heart is a whole lot lighter right now. I know that she knows how much I love her, and I know how grateful she is for me bringing her home all these years ago. She's not suffering, just dealing with the aches of age, wanting places that are soft and cushy for old bones.

I'll make her as comfortable as I can in the time she has left. That's all I can do.

Life continues

Raini's does, for now. Thankfully June 2nd came and went without her passing.

I'm working on keeping her social. She's taken to sleeping in my office, in a space between a cabinet and the closet door. The last couple nights I've hauled her out to sit with me for a while, first in the office, then out in the living room. When she wanted down, she went to her crate to snooze for a while. When she cried out this morning at 1am, I hauled her into bed with Shadow and me. Took her a while to settle down, she did stay for a couple hours. Meditation this morning was all about Raini - she was on my lap and wanted attention, so she got it. Now I'm typing this with my left hand because my right hand is keeping her steady on my right leg.

I'll take slow and unusual typing if it keeps her happy. It must, she's being a purr monster.
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Spent some time with P today. We worked on some tight muscles, trying to figure out what was causing them to not let go. In between we talked about Good Calories, Bad Calories and how it applies to our lives and food intake.

I am coming to realize how carb sensitive I am, and how sugar addicted I am. When I was grocery shopping yesterday, I bought a package of sugar wafers. One part of me knew that was a bad thing to do on two fronts: wheat and sugar, both of which make the blood sugar spike and insulin spike. Yet another part of me, that I chose to honor, put the package in my cart and proceeded in less than 24 hours to down the whole package.

That was after I read and know to be true that insulin spikes are the root of all metabolic evil in the body. Guess what causes insulin spikes? Carbs, and even the thought of eating can cause insulin spikes. How to control insulin spikes? Lots of protein and fat, little to no carbs. No carbs in the diet, no blood sugar spikes, no insulin spikes.

I'm not going to try to summarize GC, BC here, because my head is still working through the details. I will in the next couple days, because I think it's really important.
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After I finished GC, BC, I picked up 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything' by Neale Donald Walsh. I'm not that far into it, only a couple pages. One of his first things to change is to stop going it alone. He points out that we share our wins and hide our losses. When we most need help, we turn away from it.

Yep, I'll own up to that one. Done it before, several times. I've even bounced people out of my life to not have to deal with their brand of 'help-full-ness'. Logical levels - you can't solve a problem on the same level it was created on. It's hard to get new answers and new perspective from the same old source. You need other people's perspectives and insight to point out new things. That was really evident in our conversation today, and how one piece of info sparked another piece of insight.
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I need to do two things tomorrow, or yet tonight. I need to talk to the animal communicator I worked with previously for Raini and Shad, and find out what's going on in Raini's head and heart. Then I need to find the number for the Echo crematorium and see if they do pet cremations directly, and how much they are.

I really don't want to make the decision to put Raini down. My heart breaks the way it is, when she misses a jump or cries when I pick her up because she's either frightened or in pain. I want her to go out her heart when she's ready, not because she thinks she needs to stay for me.

Losing the furry body that is Raini will be one of the worst heartaches I've experienced, moreso than losing my parents or anyone else in my life. She's been the one source of unconditional love in my life for 19 years, and there is no way to replace that. I'm grateful for everyday she is here, every time I look to make sure she's still breathing, because I want to be holding her when she does go. I want her to know how much I love her and that I was with her at the end.

In some ways, it was easier dealing with Mom's death because I knew what she wanted. It was easy to pull the plug because I knew when I got to her bedside her spirit was already long gone from her body. When her body gave up 12 hours later, it was easy to shut the machines off and help the nurses take the monitors and other equipment off. It was easy to walk away from her body, because her spirit already walked beside me.
Dad was easy, because at the time I still hated him and didn't care what happened. He went relatively quickly, one heart attack on June 16, the second that killed him on September 7.

Raini's not so easy. I don't know what she wants, what she's thinking, how she's feeling. I've told her she can go home at any time, just to go out of her heart so it's quick. It's the lingering that makes it hard.

Pre-cogs and such

Once in a while my precognative abilities will kick in and work, usually in the form of a dream that seems to be too real. While I'm in it, I know it's a pre-cog. Only rarely do I ever get audio pre-cogs, with a date. Those I don't always trust, because the dates have come and gone with nothing happening.

I'm hoping the latest audio is a non-event as well. A couple days ago while I was holding Raini, I got a very clear 'June second' in response to a not-even-fully-formed thought about Raini's passing. I blew it off then, however her behavior the last 48 hours has me wondering, and trying not to create a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Raini has gotten very skittish, that she even runs away from me, and howls to get down if I pick her up. That's not my girl, even with her hyperthyroidism in gear. I'm just about out of her ResThyro meds, so at this point I'm hesitant to order any until after Tuesday.

The other thing that has me wondering is the appearance of a stray in my backyard.

This pretty little girl showed up yesterday afternoon twice. She's affectionate and friendly, and her front paws are declawed. She was yowling and kept looking around, which made me wonder if she was left behind when someone moved out. That was the impression I got, or that she's in heat.

She showed up again tonight, that's when I got the photo of her. I posted it here in my building, see if anyone knows about her.

The timing of her showing up... I have to wonder if the Universe is trying to tell me something.
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Still plowing through Good Calories, Bad Calories. It's a dense read, given all the science - or lack thereof - he's writing about. I'm just getting into his arguments about why high protein and high fat diets help people lose weight and not be hungry while they are at it.

The more I read, the more it makes sense to me. The sugar cravings are my body's out of whack need to maintain what it thinks is a good balance. The more I read, the more I know it's not. For me, I need to up the protein and fats. Looks like I need to add coconut oil to protein shakes as well as the coconut milk and the whole milk. Another protein shake may be necessary in the afternoon as well.

A better summary when I finish and have a chance to let the book perk through my brain.
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I'll let you know how things go with Raini. This time feels different, from previous times when I wasn't sure if she'd make it or not. All I can do is support her and ask the archangels to make her transition an easy one.

Yeah...

The weeks blend together, not much difference between them, even if this one was shorter than the rest.

I'm finally getting near to being done with transferring the SMS data into my licensing spreadsheet. Given how Excel numbers things, it started with 100,000, worked its way through the 300k, then dropped back to 50,000. Argh.

Once I'm done with that, then I can go through and de-dupe, do the v-lookup against the SMS report so we know who gets it removed no questions, then we can do the other stuff.

My walks continue. I took the time to re-count the carpet squares, cause I realized at one point it couldn't be just 500 feet around the perimeter when it's over 700 feet just around the inner core. Turns out the building is 390' x 114', at least on the inside. That makes my laps 1,000 feet, so 12 laps comes up to just over 2.25 miles a work day that I'm walking. That doesn't include my mini-laps around the core when my Gruve goes off every 40 minutes.

Now I just need to conquer the sugar cravings.

My books finally came in, so I'm reading through Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. His premise, given how far I've gotten in the book, is that the whole low-fat, high-carb diet was based on really shoddy science and never backed up by the standard scientific method of testing the hypothesis. His reference list is pretty much the back 1/4 of the book. It's been interesting so far. I want to get into his recommendations going forward. If I keep reading at the rate I am, I'll have most of it wrapped up by tomorrow night.

Cleaning the garage, etc.

I'm really glad this is a three day weekend. I need another day to sleep and catch up.

The new diet is already starting to pay off. I dropped three pounds from the last time I weighed myself, which was the last time I donated platelets. I've also let go of two inches on my waist. I'm on the right track.

Now I just need to overcome the carb cravings. It really hit this weekend, since I now can't have potatoes that's all I want. Go figure. Keep eating and drinking the protein, keep the carbs low, take the digestive enzyme I found to help it all work through, and I'll be fine.

It also helps when I get my butt out and moving. I started on the garage today, so here are the before pictures.



As you can see in the bottom picture, that's the side where the former resident used to have his auto repair business. He took most of it with him, but left me the bench and some other crap behind. I put the bench on a cart I have from the D clan and piled it up with stuff to haul to the garbage. Swept up as good as I could.

Then I started going through my side of the garage. One of the bins was from when I had my Blazer, which held my emergency supplies, like oil, biodegradable degreaser, clevis hitch, tow strap, etc. All stuff I can still use in Taez (if I can ever get his hitch out of the receiver). I got about eight feet into my side of things before my back started hollering at me to stop. I'll pick up where I left off tomorrow, see how far I get.
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I do need to still be careful with my back. Turns out the pain from the drive out to see my cousins was the muscles that run next to the spine going into spasm. It kicked up again on Friday, and riding Chael to see Dr. R didn't help any. Soon as Dr. R touched my back, he told me it was in spasm and went for the stim pads.

While the stim pads were on, I had another emotional release. Couldn't tell you what it was about, just that I was panting heavily - laying down - while it moved out of me.

The spasms were bad enough that they were messing with my right hip and my feet. Fascia is such a wonderful thing - yank one area out of whack and the whole goes out of whack.

I knew last Thursday, when I went to see Dr. M, that I would need to see Dr. R this time. Good thing I did, cause I know Dr. M would not have thought to put me on the stim. I have to trust my gut when it comes to who to see when.
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Got an interesting call yesterday. One of the area's most well known animal communicators (she advertises the most), called me. She knows my Quantum Touch instructor, and had asked her to give a 40 minute talk on QT and how it relates to animals. My instructor isn't available that weekend, but recommended giving me a call to see if I was available.

The animal communicator got on the QT website and read my bio. She recognized my photo from the Meta Institute, where I got my Certified Therapeutic Coaching certificate. She called me, we chatted for about 15 minutes, and I have a speaking engagement to prepare for on July 12. Sweet!

I've had some ideas already floating through my head, so I'll start putting things down and go from there. Who knows, I may even have a couple classes come together from this. That would be nice.

Integrative medicine

At the medical device company I'm working for, they have their own scientific conferences and what they call a technical forum. The forum is a series of groups that works on various things that pique their interest.

The technical forum recently started a chapter on integrative medicine, and had their first open meeting on Tuesday. It was in my building, so I went to see the presentation. They had a psychologist who treats chronic pain as their guest, explaining what integrative medicine is and why the company should be thinking about it.

I knew the doctor got it when I saw a quote from "What the Bleep."

When I got back to my desk, I signed up to join the chapter. Given that I do integrative health practices by combining massage, therapeutic coaching and energy work, I'm already a step ahead of them. It will be interesting to see how open they are to my viewpoint.

Life continues with the same old, same old. I'm looking forward to this being a three day weekend. I need to clean out the garage so it can be shared starting July 1 (grrrrr). Clean up the oil spill, figure out what to do with all the stuff that's out there, haul out the work bench the former occupant so nicely left behind. Joy. It will give me a good shot at hitting my green goal for the Gruve.

Perhaps I'll post some before and after pictures as I work on the garage. Like I did last fall as I was cleaning up the house.

Body is getting used to the new diet. I need to look for a digestive enzyme that is for high protein diets. I think I may have found one, need to look at it closer. Perhaps a trip to Whole Foods is in order, or one of the other co-ops in the area.

The new shoes are such a difference from my New Balance. Lighter, cushier. If my back is behaving, I can walk faster. Going down stairs - such a difference between thud and squish. Easier on the knees, too.

Now if they just made a difference going up the stairs...

Saturday

So, I went to see my nutritionist yesterday. What she told me seems counter intuitive, yet given what I know does make sense.

She told me to add some more fat to my diet.

What???

In the past two years since I saw her last, more and more research has come out about the various kinds of fat and how our body best works with food. One of the books she pointed me at is Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes. He's a science journalist by training, so he documented everything he could find on nutrition. Given that I am carb sensitive, it makes sense to add more fat to my diet, in the form of coconut milk and oil and move up to whole milk.

If this isn't making sense to you, stop and think about the Eskimos. Until recently, all they survived on was seals and whales, their meat and blubber. There were NO carbs in their diets, since it's a little hard to grow plants when you live in the Arctic Circle. They survived just fine for centuries with just those food sources.

Go back in time to our early ancestors, the hunter-gatherers. They survived primarily on animal protein and did just fine - we're still here.

So, given that thinking, I need to change some things around. Breakfast will continue to be my breakfast shake, with roughly 40 grams of whey and milk protein, whole milk, blueberries, coconut oil, XPC, flax seed and cinnamon. Morning snack will be chocolate whey protein with either whole milk or water and coconut oil. Lunch can continue to be my soup with beans, but add an ounce or two of animal protein like meat or hard boiled eggs to help the body assimilate the beans. Mid afternoon snack will be yogurt with my walnuts. Supper can be a salad with slow cooked meat or a bean salad with eggs.

She also gave me more recipes and ideas as well. Time to start incorporating what she's taught me from before into this new knowledge and see where it takes me.

You may also be questioning the coconut oil, since it's a saturated fat. The key is that it's a medium chain triglyceride, which means the body uses it as an energy source and doesn't store it as fat. It's also an anti-viral and anti-fungal, so if there's anything lurking in my body, that will help clean it out.

I suspect the pounds will start dropping quite easily now. I've got the book on order, along with Neale Donald Walsh's 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. Once I get both and PhotoRead them, I'll give you a review of each.

From there I headed to Marathon Sports to get new shoes. They confirmed I have a high, rigid arch, so I need shoes that cushion and flex with my step. I tried on 10 pairs of shoes, finally settling on a pair of Nikes. With my company discount, they came to $104. I will be keeping my eyes open for sales and discount locations, so I can get another pair or two. This pair will stay at work - I'll change into them when I get to work so I don't have to think about it, then change before I come home.

So that was my day yesterday. Today I've got a cheap roast in the crock pot with some salsa for my nightly protein. Beans are soaking to be cooked later. I'll soon get the clothes sorted and ready to wash, and then I'll start on doing some work to make up for my hours on Friday.

Saturday

Don't know about the rest of you, but this week flew for me. Despite the boredom, it went quickly.

Bored I have been at work. Same routine day in, day out. I'm getting predictable, and that's not a good thing. Magnatune has been helping me keep my senses somewhat in tact with different music.

I did break the routine a bit yesterday. Some of the cousins on the Swennes and Myhre side got together out in Spicer, so I took a half day off and went. I haven't seen some of these people since I was little, like 30 some years ago. A couple of my closer cousins I saw a year ago at one of their daughter's wedding.

It was interesting to be with people who know at least one side of the family's roots. Most of the conversations revolved around health issues, as most of the cousins are in their late 50's and 60's. Diabetes, Alzheimer's, other things that weren't diagnosed between 1930-1980 that make a difference now. Foreshadows to our own mortality.

Then again, when you've walked up to Death's door and begged to be let in twice, it doesn't scare you anymore.
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The company I'm working for sponsors a local marathon, and a couple hundred people run the 10 mile and full marathons each year. As such, one of the local running shops gives those of us who have badges a 20% discount at their store.

I learned this watching an internal broadcast about running shoes and apparel. They also understand walkers, which is a good thing for me. The new shoes I bought two months ago have already supinated (rolled out) to the point I need new walking shoes. After I visit my nutritionist to get some ideas on how to get more veggie protein into my diet, I'll go to the running store to get new shoes.

Once I get home, I need to do some work. Since I took the afternoon off yesterday, I need to do some work from home to make up for it. I did remember to download the spreadsheets to my USB drive, so I don't have to try and download those over the VPN. I'll put the spreadsheets on the Mac, connect the VPN to the laptop so I can get to the two internal websites, and put in 5-6 hours tomorrow.
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I'm noticing I'm not as tired lately. I'm thinking the CoQ10 and another supplement I got are starting to work. I know CoQ10 helps with the ATP and Krebs energy cycles. Anything to not be falling flat on my face over the weekend.

So, soon time to head out the door. Got a few things to pull together and away I go.

Brain run amok

Brain's a bit scattered today, trying to think some things through in between being busy.

Busy as in doing four loads of laundry, hitting the farmers market for grass fed hamburger and salad greens, Target, the grocery store, making yogurt, doing umpteen sink fulls of dishes and more. That was just yesterday. Today I cleaned some carpet spots, diced yams and beets for roasting, fried down hamburger for me and chicken for Raini, donated platelets and found the electrical adapter for my CD player. The day's not over yet, either.

Been having some strange dreams lately. There was a guy in high school, Tim, that I had a big crush on. Compared to some of the others, he treated me pretty gently. This was the second time in the last couple weeks I've dreamed about him. Not sure what's up with that, if my non-conscious mind is working through some stuff or if it's bleedthrough from a parallel universe. Or if it's because someone I've been flirting with is named Tim and that's enough resonance to surface the first one.

Tim the first I haven't seen or heard anything of since our 15th class reunion in 2000. At that point he was married with a little girl that was 3-4 years old. He didn't seem happy or comfortable that night. Not many of us were.

As for the Tim that I'm now flirting with, that's all I can do. He's the phlebotomist that gets to stick me with needles when I donate platelets, like I did today. I'm sure the Red Cross has ethics guidelines like my therapeutic coaching and massage certificates do - at least two years after I stop being a client before anything else can happen. So I give him crap about stuff, he makes cracks about my motorcycle, we chat about different stuff, and I get to sit still and watch and listen until the machine has pulled out the platelets it needs. Then I'm off until another three weeks passes.

As I was meditating this morning, the thought passed through my head - does love have to be hard work? You hear the various relationship experts stating that love is hard work, you've got to constantly work at it.

According to whom does it have to be hard? What causes me to need to follow that paradigm that being in a relationship can be hard work?

I choose to change that paradigm, that being in a loving relationship can be easy, joy-full, fun, play-full, open, easy and simple to communicate. The circumstances and situations around us might be difficult, what's between us can be easy.

Yes, I realize, I'm not in a relationship, and it's been decades since I've been in one. I get the sense that by setting that as an intention, it's something to set up from the beginning. Time will tell if anyone will have the guts to play with me and find out.
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As for me being tired, Dr. M thinks it has to do in part with the frequency of my platelet donations. He thinks it's taking too much out of me to be donating every three weeks. Makes my bone marrow work too hard to pump out that many platelets and plasma in such a short time. See what happens, if I'm as tired this round as I have been previously.

Off to my post donation nap.

Education...

It doth appear that I've got me some educating to do with our remote sites at work.

Why? My boss and I talked to one of our island sites today. As far as they were aware of, if a piece of software had been packaged for delivery by SMS, they had a site license and anyone could use it without buying a license.

It took everything I had not to groan out loud when I heard that statement. It seems that very few of the remote sites outside the US have ANY type of licensing procedures or track them. They don't seem to have read the current policy and procedures on how to buy software, so they're just getting quotes locally.

I fired off an email to our software vendor and asked them to get me the names and contact info for their sales staff at all our remote locations. I want to know if they've tried to make contact, if there have been problems in the past, the whole nine yards. See what the vendor comes up with, then start making introductions and making sure the remote sites are aware they need to buy software only from this vendor.

I'm about a third of the way through my 15k+ line licensing spreadsheet. I'm comparing it to a record from the purchasing application to see if I can match up more licenses to names. I also got my hands on an inactive directory list, so I know who's left the company and what their last cost center was, so open licensed can go in the right cost center.

I will admit that there are days when this job does get boring. Same stuff, different day, at least I think it's a different day. Not sure anymore, cause the days blend together.

Finally bought an exercise ball to use as a chair for work. Inflated it most of the way Tuesday night, finished it at lunch. The boys couldn't figure out what the pump sound was, so I had a chance to explain why I was using the ball as a chair.

Good thing, too, because my green goal jumped up to 1,265 calories yesterday. The 20 minutes I spent on the ball today showed up in the minute by minute summary. My wiggling around spent between .4 and 1 calorie a minute. Not so easy on the back, which is still complaining about it, but good for the burn.

Think I'll go to bed early tonight. I'm tired - gotta talk to Dr. M about that tomorrow night. I thought exercising was supposed to give you more energy, not make you more tired.

When you get a chance, go here and take a listen - I think you'll like it. Thanks for the link, P.

Ahh...

It's nice to be able to breath through my nose again. The phytogen is working.

I'm thinking I'm going to contact the nutritionist I was working with a couple years ago. See what she has for ideas on getting complete protein into me veggie wise. I know I could really up the protein with whey powder and meat, both of which are not budget friendly. I'm thinking I need to boost to at least 200 grams a day, possibly 300-400, depending on where the tipping point is that my body starts letting the weight go.

If that seems like a lot of protein, it is. On a 2500 calorie diet, 200 grams is 800 calories, which is a third of the day's calories, 300 would be 1200, or about half. If that's what I need to do to drop the weight, I'm willing to go there.
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The critters have been put up on the shelf. I did that during a short break last Thursday as I was trying to download stuff over the VPN so I could work from home. The dresser is cleaned off, just the red cloth over the mirror. Above my bed are two rose quartz angels and two small rose quartz hearts, along with some pink tulle and ribbon. That's about as romantic as I can be at the moment. I could move my romance vision board to that shelf as well.
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I have to come up with some type of sleeve for the mane when I'm riding Chael. I'm tired of my hair being a tangled mess after being tucked in the jacket, whether it's braided or just in a ponytail. I may have to butcher up some bandanas to see what I can come up with. Or a modified do-rag that has an extra long tail and ties that I can cover and wrap the ponytail with. More patterns to go searching for.

Sniff...

To say that I am not fond of spring allergies would be a major understatement.

Since Tuesday I have fought with a stuffed up nose that backs up into my eyes and ears. I feel miserable and so far nothing much is making a difference. I tried the neti pot to wash out the pollen - doesn't work so well when the water can't get through. I gave up on drugs because they quit working years ago. Last night Dr. M put me on phytogen, so we'll see if that dries things up.

Thinking of fun, try a flat back tire on Taez. Somewhere Wednesday night he picked up a nail that flattened the tire, so I'm taking him in at noon to get the tire fixed. While we're at it, finally fix the flippin' power steering high pressure line as well. Then I can start cleaning up the garage, which we have to start sharing on July 1.

While I was seeing Dr. M last night, I asked him about what's not causing me to drop the weight. I'm up to 1200 calories a day above resting metabolic rate, so the weight should be dropping. Yet I continue to bounce back and forth 5 pounds. He tested me and came back that I'm carb sensitive. That means my body doesn't know what to do with carbs, especially fruit sugars, rice, pasta, bread, etc. I already don't eat much pasta, no bread, rice it's been a while on. My body does know how to use protein, so I need to up that.

So the next research project is to figure out how to get more protein in my body without breaking the bank. That means figuring out veggie protein, which combinations of beans, rice, amaranth, quinoa, etc will get me the biggest protein bang for the buck. There will still be beef, bison and chicken in the diet as well, cause I don't do well without meat.

Good news is, the farmers market opens next Saturday, so I'll be making a trip.

Critter and such

You would think a 42 year old woman wouldn't have stuffed animals around the house anymore, that she would have outgrown the need for them years ago. Yet this collection is still lurking in my bedroom. From the left: Mouser Bear, Pandy, Star and Zen, Baby Crissy and Aiden, and Thai.

Baby Crissy has been with me since Christmas when I was in first grade. Mom let me pick one present after I got home from doing the Christmas play, and I went right straight for her. She's been in my life 37 years. I had hoped to one day, possibly, to give her to my daughter. I know that will never happen. Yet I still feel like I can't part with her, not until I know she's going to a good home, where someone will care for her like I did.

Mouser Bear is next oldest. I picked him up somewhere on the trip to the National FFA convention in 1982, 83? Don't remember the date for sure, other than the parlimentary procedure team had finally won state and we were invited to Nationals. I picked him up partially because he looked more like a mouse than a bear - hence the name, and the guy I had a crush on at the time, his nickname was Mouse. He's been perched up on a glass shelf above my bed for the last five, almost six years. Somehow, with all the banging the boys upstairs were doing yesterday, he fell off the shelf.

When I found him, I had to wonder how much of a sign it was. Time to let go and move on. That thought alone sent me into sobs, unsure if it was for the child in me that still needed the comfort of a bear to hold, or for the child that felt the need so long ago to have something that would understand when no one else would or could.

The rest were purchased to give me physical representation to the animal guides that assisted me for a while. Aiden was the first, then Star, Zen and Thai, Pandy, and several others. Each had their own gift to give me, then moved on. Yet I'm not sure I'm ready to give them up, either.

Perhaps it's time to put them up on the top shelf in the closet, behind closed doors. I think what I need to do is ask that people who need them, need what they represent, be brought into my life so I can gift them with the stuffed animals. Give to them as the spirit guides gave to me.

Mouser and Crissy? Crissy would have to go to a very special little girl, someone who would cherish her as much as I have. MB... dunno. Is it worth it to hang on to the history that damaged me in some ways and gave me the strength to keep going in others?

According to feng shui, until I let go of them, there's not room in my home, or my heart, for anyone to come in and take their place. So up on the shelf, behind the closed door they will go. If they are still there in a year, after being out of sight, I should be able to let them go.

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

Trust

Trusting myself and processes are not something that comes to me easily. Especially when the process doesn't seem to quite go as planned.

Some of you might remember from my early days here talking about me doing a gallbladder and liver flush, to move gallstones out of my gallbladder and liver. I've done the process at least 20 times - for a while in 2006 I was doing one every three weeks. It's been about a year since I did the last one. I figured this was a good time to do another one - spring cleaning internally.

I've been prepping for a while. Started taking malic acid caps a month ago to soften the stones. Been eating mostly vegetarian this week, for sure Thursday. Survived only on carbs yesterday, noticing as my blood sugar fluxed back and forth, trying to keep things stead with no fat or protein to help. Did everything according to plan.

Then... nothing. The epsom salts solution didn't seem to work last night. Normally I would have missed all the TV shows I watch Friday night because I would have been indisposed. No joy. I even stayed up until 11 to see if things would finally work. No. Decision time: do I take the second solution to make the bile dump happen or not take the chance? Given my starvation mode all day and how hungry I was, I downed the solution with a couple magnesium oxide caps and went to sleep.

Good news is, things finally worked. The magnesium oxide caps did what the epsom salts didn't.

This is literally a case of trusting my guts to know what they are doing and letting them do the work.

In some circles, our guts are known as our second brain. Many of the epithelial cells that line the gut are very similar to brain cells. Our immune system is run by our guts and lymph system. That doesn't even count the energetic system of chakras that run through our body, with two of the major ones directly in our guts.

Somehow I'm not surprised at the timing. One of the things I've been working with on the Paraliminal Accelerator is my self-confidence and taking my power back. Thinking back to the years I grew up and how many times I was damned for different things when I knew in my gut I was right. I quit trusting myself, gave my power up to others and tried to hide who I really am.

If I want to succeed, confidence and power are two things necessary. Trusting myself is one part of confidence and power. Trusting my gut to know how to do things even when things seem to be going terribly wrong.

Trusting that my gut knows better what my soul wants me to do than my brain or maybe even my heart.

Now there's a shift for you. What's your gut telling you?

Quick catchup

So, what have I been up to since Saturday?

Well, the tiredness continued on Sunday. I got two loads of laundry done, did my PT exercises, took a shower and nearly fell asleep waiting for when to leave for my platelet donation.

The platelet donation went almost perfectly this time. They found my veins right away, needles went in almost perfect, done in an hour. No bruises afterwards, so we're back on the right track.

Came home, curled up in the recliner and two hours went by without me noticing. Went to bed early, slept through the night. I woke up not tired for once. I'm attributing the tiredness to my body getting used to the PT and the now 3-15 minute walks a day I'm doing. I'm now also taking two floors of stairs up every morning. Cardio output is getting better.

PT continues. Had a different physical therapist Monday night. She does things the right way, staying with you as you do the exercise, instead of being off in the clouds like the other one. See what happens going forward, if I drop down to once a week I'll make sure I'm on her schedule.

Work is work. Still staring at Excel day in, day out. Another survey will go out soon, see what happens after that.

Been working through the Paraliminal Accelerator. I listen to a new one at night, then listen again during the day. I'm not concentrating on it during the day, moreso letting my non-conscious mind get what it needs to. Of course, it would be nice to hear what is coming out of my iPod, so I have a set of relatively cheap headphones on order, sent directly to work. I just need something that will semi-block out the boys around me, especially when they get loud.

That's where I'm at. It may be windy tomorrow, but I'll be on Chael. I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah...

I sometimes don't remember how physically and emotionally draining exposing myself can be.

Not many know the full story of my second suicide attempt, let alone my first at 13. When your mom laughs at you when you're trying to tell her about the first six years after it happened, I stopped telling my parents what was really going on in my life. I didn't tell mom about the second until three years later when I took her up to Lake Hattie for a week. Most of my family isn't aware of those incidents - they will be now.

What it comes down to is that in letting go of my excess weight, I need to let go of my past. That means telling people how things went down in my version of reality, and being brutally truthful about my perspective of living with my parents. Some won't know what to think, others will claim it was nothing like that, how could I lie about such good people? My reply: You didn't live with them, you didn't see and experience what was going on. What you believe and what I know are two different things. Besides, your opinion of me is none of my business.

---
Yes, I am tired. Busy morning, trying to get Chael ready to get his oil changed. Biggest hurdle was getting gas into his carbs so he could actually start. Once the fuel was flowing, he rolled right over like it was November 5, not five plus months later. We rolled down to the gas station, put in new fuel, filled the tires up to the correct pressure and headed for Fridley.

Took at bit to get his oil changed. Both service guys were a couple people deep when I got there about 10:30. A couple people were screamers about how past service issues had been handled, and a couple long winded people on the phone didn't help matters any, either. Finally got the bike in, and I sat and read while the work was done.

What would have been a $75 oil change I got for the price of a new oil filter, $13, and a new license plate holder, $18. Chael's plate is ripped on the right corner, and it's just easier to put a plate frame on it than fight with getting a new plate from the state. Next winter, I'll do that when I get his tabs.

Once out of there, we rolled down to Micro Center to get a free 2 gig USB drive, then came home. Had lunch, jumped in Taez and got groceries at both Cub and Fresh and Natural. Came home, put the food away, and have been ready to take a nap ever since.
---
Saw Dr. R last night instead of Dr. M. R was commenting on how my body has shifted shape, literally and figuratively. It's easier for him to tell what's going on with my muscles in my back. The PT exercises have made a difference back there, even as they cause more muscle aches. He found a couple interesting spots under my rib cage that had air pockets in them, and were crunchy. My feet are also really tipping outward, so I'm walking on the outside edge of my feet.

I'm on the right track. Having insurance pay for this helps a lot. It's under the guise of healing from an accident that I'm now seeing as no accident at all. I had asked for a way to help myself without too much out of pocket expenditure, and I got it. Next insurance check I'm getting a heart rate monitor for my walks, and maybe invest in the next version of PACE.
---
Tomorrow is another platelet donation. This one I am intending the phlebotomist does the needle sticks perfectly, that I donate 10.7 to the 11th platelets and that I'm done in under an hour.

Oh, Life, lyrics and all

As promised, the lyrics to 'Oh, Life (there must be more)'

Waves roll out
Out to sea
Tasting the saltwater
Tears upon her cheek

Morning breaks
She's not there
Who could ever find her?
Who would even care?

No one heard
No one came
No angel of mercy
Appears to know her name

Where is hope
When words fail
All the colours running
Inside when life turns pale

In the dock the boats are harboured
Where the water's cold and still
Oh life, she cries, I've lost the will

>from the bridge she sees a lifetime
Being washed upon the shore
Oh life, she cries
There must be more...

Tides roll in
Waters rise
Any chance of reason
Only clouds her eyes

Arms of grace
She won't feel
All the wounds inside her
That time can never heal

The city lights shine seaward
Swirling in a trance
Her eyes upon the water
Alone in her last dance

>from the docks the boats are leaving
As she cries into the dawn
"Oh life, i'm barely holding on"

And she sees her future falling
Till it finds the ocean floor
Oh life, she cries
There must be more

There must be more

And with the early light
She'll sail into the clear
The winds are all behind her
The hour's almost here

>from the bridge she hears the voices
Turn into a roar
Oh life she cries
There must be more

On the dock her soul is sinking
But her spirit longs to soar
Oh life, she cries
There must be more

There must be more
There must be more
Oh life I'm barely holding on

There must be more
There must be more
Oh life there must be something more
___
I don't remember much about the summer of 1998, other than this song and week after week of long hours. What I do remember is coming home the night of August 4 and just wanting to be done with all of it. I didn't think anyone would miss me, other than Raini and Shadow.

I was going to send out a final email to people I knew explaining why and saying goodbye. As things were set up, given the dial up connection I had at the time, as soon as I turned on my email the computer connected and downloaded my new email.

In that batch of emails was one from a young man named Andy. I worked with him at HD and had a pretty big crush on him. We'd gone back and forth with our friendship, because there were times when the boy drove me insane with his unwise choices. In this email he claimed that no matter what happened, he would always be my friend.

That email was the only thing that stopped me that night. It was enough to make me see what was going on, realize just how tired I was, and get the help I needed. I took some time off and drove out to Montana to stay at my brother's place at Nye to just rest and try to recover for a bit.

On the way there I stopped at Devil's Tower in Wyoming. Sitting at the base, watching climbers scaling the sides to get to the top 900 feet up, gave me a different perspective. Instead of being at the bottom of a hole, I was climbing my way up Devil's Tower. There were rope anchors already there, with people both above and below me ready to give me a hand up so I could keep climbing. And even in the darkest night, there are always stars.

When I got back, we shifted my hours so I only worked until 8 pm. That allowed me to sleep and begin to put myself back together. Two years of psychotherapy, Wellbutrin, and another year or two of coaching after my therapist quit set me on the path to where I am now.

Is life perfect, now? Hell no. I'm struggling financially like a lot of others are. My contract has been extended until October, which is no guarantee, but things are looking OK. When I work up the courage to actually go put up the flyers for The Write Support to start my resume writing business, that will be some additional income to help pay for everything I want to do.

So where is Andy now? I don't know. Like a lot of others, I booted him out of my life around the end of 2006. Yes, I could be very needy, which brought out his abusive dark side. I finally gathered the courage to call him on it because I'd had it being his friend at his convenience. I haven't heard from him since.

He played the part he was supposed to in my life. Reason, season or a lifetime. There are very few that are in my world for a lifetime, a few for a season, or a few years. The rest are a gift of the present moment and gone.

Moral of the story? We all get so caught up in our day to day lives that we forget there are others out there we haven't touched or talked to in a while. Reach out, even if it's just to smile at a stranger. You never know what a difference you could make in that person's life.

Oh, Life

Not gonna get to it tonight. Didn't remember that Thursday nights my boss and I have a conference call with Asia Pacific at 8 pm, so that shoots me writing out a long explanation of why 'Oh, Life' got to me this morning. Leave it for now that the song, heard only once on the radio and shortly thereafter acquired the CD, perfectly described how I was feeling the summer of 1998 in the lead up to my second suicide attempt.

For those of you that know me, know it wasn't your fault you didn't see what was going on. I kept going like there was nothing wrong, but I was dying inside. Long hours, from starting work at 6 am until 10 pm with maybe 4 hours of sleep a night will drive anyone to that point. Add in mucked up brain chemistry and all the crap that was going on, and it's a wonder I'm still here at all.

Meanwhile, I'm prepping for a Live Meeting. Joy. Actually, it is.
Given the medical giant I work for, we not only have a VPN, or virtual private network, we have security tags with codes that change once a minute that also have to be entered before we can even get to the VPN. Normally contractors don't get to have the security tags. My boss didn't hesitate when I mentioned it today. In fact, she went to the person that hands them out and stood over her until she got the tag and instructions for me.

That says a lot, to me. She likes me, she likes what I'm doing. We think a lot alike, including using mind maps to plot things out. It's just a world of difference from the last job. This is a job I'd like to keep. With the reorganization that's coming up by the end of the first quarter (next Friday is the end of the fiscal year), lots of things could be changing.

Now I just need to get the flyers up for The Write Support. I suspect a lot of people will be needing my services.

Hmm...

Not much going on in this corner of the world. Go to work, come home, do PT, go to bed early.

The exhaustion from last week continues. I was fine over the weekend when I could sleep in. Monday night I didn't sleep well at all and it showed Tuesday. Went to bed early that night, I was OK yesterday. Today I have PT at 9 am, so I'm working from home for an hour before I go to PT, then head for work.

It feels strange, to be sitting here at 7:30 on a Thursday morning. Usually I'm within a couple miles of work by now.

Perhaps more tonight. I woke up to the song "Oh, Life" by the Alan Parsons Project when the alarm went off this morning. Go look up the lyrics, and if I feel up to it tonight, I'll explain why that song was in my head.