Musings from the loft

Work

2011-12-03T11:27:00.001-06:00

So, as you know, I had picked up a contracting job starting in July working for a female VP I'd worked for last November. Didn't have a choice but to accept the assignment as I was on unemployment. I knew going in it wouldn't be a fun job, but it got me off the dole.

It was absolute hell. Her psychopathic tendencies had gotten worse since the last time I worked for her. Completely unforgiving of any mistake made, and typical female of talking about it to everyone but me about it.

She didn't like anyone in the first round of interviews she did, so another round was pulled in. She did find someone she liked, so she hired her. The gal started on October 3 and walked off the job that Thursday while I was at lunch. The VP blamed me, when in fact it was her fault. She had originally agreed to give me two weeks of overlap so the new gal could have one week to do all her training, then one week to learn the company's ways. She then proceeded to dump everything on the new gal.

I had a long talk with HR about this. When the new gal came on, she was the eighth admin the VP had in 17 months. HR was unaware it was that many until I pointed it out. When she walked out, all he'll broke loose. I got blamed for her walking out, the VP cost me another job within the company, and it just got really messy. Then I got forced out with no time to transition to anyone.

The Monday after I was forced out, I got the call about the new job. I'd interviewed for the same job back in May. They couldn't decide between me and the guy who got got it, so they were happy to hear I was available again. Interviewed that Friday, got the job the following Monday, started the Monday after that.

The new company is a health insurance company. They have an IT department of 160 people, from the CTO on down, including contractors and me. The CTO has his own admin, and she has her hands full just dealing with him. I work with the six directors, the enterprise architect, 13 managers and everyone else. I do calendars for five directors and two managers. I'm helping them get organized by doing all their filing. A couple I'm doing some coaching work with because they are drowning in email and voicemail.

There are days I'm busy and days I'm bored. When I'm bored I'm working on myself. Keeping track of issues that bubble to the surface, what I really want in my life, all of that.

I've noticed in the last couple weeks that issues are starting to come up at a faster pace. Little things will trigger past memories which surface something to be worked on. Lots of tapping and timeline work to be done.

The felines are finally starting to get along. Charmin is starting to mellow out. She even asked, per se, Kona to play with her the other day. They have been chasing each other around the house. Char has gotten more playful, chasing and batting toys all over. This gives me hope that one day they will truly be sisters. It's taken 10 months to get to this point, we've got time.

Monthly update

2011-09-01T20:55:00.002-05:00

So, what's happened in the last month?

Well, I applied for an IT job where I've been temping. It's for desktop support, going out to people's desks and imaging machines, fixing things the Support Center can't fix, and helping users learn how to use their computers correctly.

I'm so good at it, the desktop tech in my building has asked me to help him get another department's computers set up and running because he's behind on his work. All I'm really doing is babysitting the machines as they image, then setting up the monitors, etc.

Here's the funny part. I hadn't even applied yet and a collegue sent a recommendation to the department manager. Then, when I told the VP I'm working for that I applied, she asked for the manager's name and his boss's name, and she fired off a recommendation for me. And the department manager I'm setting up the computers for tomorrow knows the hiring manager and is willing to send a recommendation for me helping them out.

If I don't get the desktop support job, the Support Center also needs people and would consider hiring me as well. One way or another I'm getting out of the admin world.

Meanwhile, next week Friday they interview four hopefuls for my replacement. See if they fare any better than the last four that interviewed and were all turned down.

In working for the VP, she had asked me to order a book. She thought the name was Hardball. So I searched and found two, one of them was Hardball for Women. Had that and another sent to work, wasn't what she was looking for - it was Moneyball.

I've been reading through Hardball for Women, and what an eye opener. I thought I understood gender communication differences after going through the Alison Armstrong material. Not even close.

Hardball for Women exactly explains what happened to my boss during the software licensing. As I read the book, I was dumbfounded by what the author, Pat Heim, talked about, and how much sense it made in retrospect to my own life. It also explains a lot about the current VP's behavior and my own reactions the first time I worked for her.

I would highly recommend this book to women who are having a hard time rising in the ranks or don't understand their male, and sometimes female, bosses.
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Life moves on at home. Cats are still having issues, even after we sat down with the animal communicator I work with. Charmin is so full of anxiety the only way she knows how to cope is to run away. I'm thinking I need to get really specific with the tapping and do the full gamut series to help her let go of the anxiety and fear.

I need to work on the full gamut series on me as well. I've really fallen off the wagon and am back on the sugar big time. It's like I got one part cleaned up, now another has popped up. So I'll take that on and deal with it.

Tai chi has become just as much about self defense as it is about tai chi. When protection came up for me, Frank started pulling out more self defense stuff and how to apply the moves in tai chi to those situations.

I mentioned to him last week that I wanted him to pull together a class for my kids. He's at least aware of it now (the Boy never told him when I asked about it over a year ago... !@#$%^&&!!) Especially now that the oldest started college this week, I would feel better if they had some awareness and a bit of practice in protecting themselves.

The photo safari day was a success. S drove the Benz she wants, I drove a Cadillac Escalade. Everything else I looked at was either too small or too big. Then we looked at her Tiffany's engagement and wedding rings. We stopped at Scheherazade and found my engagement ring - just need to swap out the 2 carat diamond for a sapphire and it's perfect.

Both of us needed reminding that a day like that should be an everyday thing. We both can easily manifest the little things, like a parking spot, things like that. The big stuff, or what feels like it should be big stuff, is what we have problems with. As the day went on, I realized that we need to make the "BIG" things into everyday things. That's how we

More changes

2011-08-06T16:22:00.002-05:00

Time for my monthly update.

I picked up a contract a couple weeks ago that will run for at least the next eight weeks at higher than my normal rate. That's because it's for the same female VP I worked for last November. Yes, the one who within minutes of meeting me emailed HR that I wasn't going to work out, then sucked up to me when I left.

The reason I'm back is the woman she hired as her admin quit. The admin couldn't take the BS and the pressure of the VP's judgements and backstabbing, not to mention arranging things for the VP's son's prom, birthday and graduation.

For me this time around it's about judgement and compassion. It's about her judgement of me, that even in asking to bring me back, she told HR that I was not to be considered for the full time position. It's also about my judgements of her, of how she looks at the world given her upbringing and life. Most of all, it's about my own judgements of myself.

One thing that has continued to come up over my lifetime is that I'm not good enough. This VP throws that into my face so squarely I can't avoid it. At the same time I have other admins who are looking at what I know, how fast I'm picking things up, and they are amazed at what I can do. On one hand I have someone who believes I'm not good enough to work for her long term, and she's unwise enough to put it in an email I can easily find. On the other hand I have people who are amazed at what I know and can do, and many more people who do know what I can do, and can see the potential I can't.

Who do I believe? This is one case where the majority outweighs the few, or the one.
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Had a few other things go my way. My next door neighbor had been griping about getting things cleaned up now that the new siding is up and the gas lines have been installed for the grills. I built a small concrete block extension onto my patio slab so I could put a gas grill out there. In cleaning that up, I had to move the air conditioner I've had sitting outside for the last eight years. I plugged the unit in and it worked! I asked for some help to get it installed, and we did, right before the boiling heat wave hit. I was able to keep the place cool enough so I could sleep.

Now, if I can just get out of my own way when it comes to tai chi...

Protection

2011-06-23T22:00:00.001-05:00

Tuesday was a tough day for me. Summer solstice, acupuncture appointment and tai chi. Add to that constant thoughts of my parents not protecting me from stuff, and yeah, long day.

What I came to realize was that the people responsible for protecting me from harm, my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and other relatives, were in fact the ones causing the most harm. Abuse came from all angles and in all shapes and forms. Some of the worst of it came before I could even recognize it for being abuse, let alone do anything to stop it from happening.

Here's the kicker. Now that I'm into tai chi and bagua flow and really need my hips and back to be loose and fluid so I can fight effectively, the abuse has my hips, hamstrings and feet so tight I can't move correctly. I literally need to physically stretch and emotionally release what is stuck in those areas so I can move again.

I'm starting to see how blessed I am that the Boy's dad agreed to take me on as a student. There are a couple reasons. One is that he's been a professional fighter, so he know not only tai chi and tae kwon do, but boxing and street fighting as well. Tonight we worked on basic boxing skills, like how to stand, where to put my hands, how to throw a jab and a reverse punch, how to put my entire body into it. Another is that he was a cop and bodyguard, and even now in his 70's still takes on personal protection jobs. He's teaching me the absolute basics, and I'm already making the ties back to tai chi.

Most importantly, he's willing to teach me the things, both directly and indirectly that my parents couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't even know how to teach me. Those are the most valuable things.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I was sweating up a storm while trying to get my body to correctly throw those punches. I rode Chael out, so I'm also chilled from the ride. Add in using muscles I haven't used in a while and ouch. The electric mattress pad is on so I can climb into a nice warm bed for a good nights sleep.

Changes

2011-06-06T09:49:00.004-05:00

We're in the middle of two solar and one lunar eclipses, and boy does it show.

Communications are up all over the place. Friday I was reading Carole Hyder's book "Conversations with Your Home" and clearly heard my condo start talking to me. We finally settled on a name - Abundant Amore. I've been trying to name this place for years and nothing stuck. Abundant Amore seems to fit, the place likes it, good enough for me.

Yesterday the cable was on the fritz. The sound came through just fine, and it wasn't the TV's fault, there was just periods when no picture came through. Finally got online with a cable rep and they reset the cable box so the picture came through.

Still not much on the job front. Ran out of state benefits so now I'm on tier one of the federal benefits.

Crocheting up a storm in between. I've finished 5 baby blankets, four washcloths, and a scarf for Project Warm Hearts. I finished Thing 1's graduation afghan and started Thing 2's afghan. I'm also working on a light weight cardigan for myself - something I can put on over a tank top or t-shirt and have it be classy enough for a business casual or dress environment.

I also cut my hair the middle of May. Big deal, you say? It is when the tail is 16" from the nape of your neck to the end of the tail. I've had it long for years, and have been threatening for the last two to cut it off. After bringing Chael home from storage this spring, I made up my mind. It took me 15 minutes and lots of detangler to get the knots out, and that was that.
Here are the before and after shots.

Cats are still working out their issues. Discovered on a really stormy day that Charmin was afraid of lightening storms. The pictures she shared with me were that she was dropped off at the shelter on a stormy day, and it was still storming when they took her kittens. So we did some tapping on that during the storm to lessen her fear. It seems to have worked.
I've also discovered Charmin is hard of hearing in one ear and has limited sight in one eye. That's why she likes things to move slowly, so she can keep track of them. When Kona gets a bug up her butt and tears around the house at top speed, Charmin is startled cause she doesn't see/hear her coming, so she strikes out.

I'm looking at adding another martial art to my tool box. BaguaFlow is another of the three internal martial arts, tai chi being another, and I'm not remembering the third at the moment. It's being taught by a gal who learned it to help her with her skydiving acrobatics.
I'm interested in it for the energy flow and bo staff. I've been to her intro workshop and one class. I can feel the energy flow in her class, unlike tai chi where there isn't any flow, yet. I also wanted the bo staff work, as I've been attracted to staff work for years, along with sais.
We worked with the bo yesterday. The instructor was amazed at how fast I picked up the mechanics. What I need to work on is the whole body integration - that when one body part moves the whole body moves. Stretching is another, to get my hamstrings and hips opened up so they can move smoothly and freely along with the rest of me.
Thankfully her classes are not that expensive - $12 a week. I'll probably only go every other week for a while, see what happens.

Meanwhile, keep the faith that whatever is happening is supposed to and will resolve itself in it's time.

Aha's

2011-04-30T21:20:00.001-05:00

Been an interesting week.

The reduction in force layoff happened at the place I was doing software licensing at. My boss was one of the casualities, as was the idiot VP above her. I have no idea what will happen to the IT asset management project.

I emailed her hubby, so he forwarded it to her. After our last conversation where I warned her she was being set up for a fall, she started preparing this. She's ok with it as she was ready for a change. Try being a stay at home mom for a while. We will try to get together in a couple weeks when they have settled into their new schedule.

I had an interview at a local health insurance company yesterday. The IT department of 150 people has one admin and she focuses on the VP. The other six directors are having issues because they have no support. The position is from now until the end of the year, possibly longer depending on how things go. Find out next week if I get it.

As for the aha... That came about due to several things coming together. No such thing as a coincidence...

On Thursday I met with a gal who graduated two years ahead of me in high school. Neither of us us fit in due to our intuititve talents and being abused at home. She's since gone on to be a successful writer and life coach. She channeled some info for me, helped me get a better idea of what I need to be doing.

Today I went to the World Tai Chi & Qigong Day event at Normandale Community College. There were demos of different styles and breakout sessions. One of the sessions was on superconscious energy and thinking. I liked what I heard so I bought his book. When I got home I started reading it. One of the sections in the book is on goal setting.

I read that, and out of quiet of my mind came I don't set goals because if I succeed people hate me and abandon me. It's happened twice in my life, when I got my FFA State Farm Degree and when I graduated from college. I'm fine on the small things, living day to day. But on the big stuff, jobs, finances, love, I've been sabotaging myself because when I succeed people leave me.

Wow. Just wow. Huge aha. Explains a whole lot of my life.

The good news is I've realized this now, when I can still do something about it. I can work on changing the energy of this, do EFT to clear it out of my system and program in new ideas, and go forwards from here.

Tap, tap, tap

2011-04-11T12:05:00.001-05:00

So, yeah... MIA for a while again.

Had an in-person interview for a month long (possibly longer) temp job last Thursday. They wanted to fill the position as soon as possible, have nae heard boo so I presume I didn't get it.

Saw Dr. R last week. What he is seeing in me is resistance. My level of resistance has come down from an 80-90% level while I was working down to a 30-40% level now. He thinks my resistance needs to come down even farther before a new job or contract will come forward.

How have I been working on that resistance? A method of energy psychology called meridian tapping, also know as Emotional Freedom Technique. I've known about EFT for a long time, but it never felt right to use it before now.

I've hit a place with my weight loss where I'm actually re-gaining weight. I started looking at options that I already had access to, wouldn't have to spend any money, or very little on, and could do myself. I've been using Learning Strategies paraliminals to deal with the belief issues, new options, new behaviors, etc. That's been helping some what.

So I started looking at what else was in my tool box. In one of my email accounts I came across an ad for the World Tapping Summit, which was supposed to be 11 days of tapping on different issues. I missed most of the summit, but I did pick up the book they were offering and DVD at half off. They also sent along some free ebooks on tapping in general, for weight loss and pain reduction.

I started with what the ebooks had for directions. There were a couple scripts to follow that I was able to use, then create my own scripts from there. That's helped with some of the bigger issues. Then the book and the movie showed up and gave me more ideas to work on.

Several of the things that have come up I've turned to mind mapping to help with. It seems on the big issues there is what I think is the main issue, then there are sub issues. I'm discovering there are sub and sub sub issues to the sub issues - ie a whole lotta layers. By mind mapping the top issue, then I can take each sub issue and map that out, then map out anything else that needs attention. I'm slowly whittling away at all those issues.

I've been hitting things hard one day, then taking a day or two off before going at it again. Give my brain and body time to adjust to the new normal before I clear again and make another new normal. Days I'm not tapping I'm trying to read my tai chi books and get a better handle on that. Or reading fan fiction to completely clear my head and change state.

I've also been trying tapping on the cats. Charmin still has her days of hissing any time she sees Kona. If she's in my arms when the hissing starts I start tapping on her right then and there. I can get some of the points on her, then do the rest on me. It seems to be helping with her attitude and coming out of the office.

The last couple nights I've found Charmin sleeping out on the couch. Came out of a really bad dream about a cat this morning, couldn't see Kona so I went searching for Charmin and there she was. She let me pet her and started purring as the tears came along with the sneezing & allergy fit. She was still on the couch when I got up this morning.

One thing that has been annoying with the tapping and paraliminals is that I'll have an emotional breakthrough and/or connection on something and my body will go into a sneezing fit and allergy attack. I'll have the aha moment, within a minute I'll start sneezing, then my left eyeball starts itching and my nose runs. I don't get it.

Well, on some level I do. I have used dis-ease, primarily allergies, to get me out of things in the past. The fuel oil reaction was in response to my first long term relationship crumbling. The corn intolerance developed after Mom died. The wheat intolerance may have developed early on in response to my inability to communicate my needs or that communication and needs being ignored.

Throw in a death wish, that I wasn't supposed to even be born this time around and bam, you got a doozy to deal with. One piece of the puzzle at a time.

I'm still here

2011-03-17T13:49:00.002-05:00

Yes, I've been off the radar for a while. Between being sick, not having any energy and just not willing to sit down at the computer long enough to rip something off, no posts. I'm back.

Yesterday I made Charmin an official member of the family. Signed the paperwork and gave up $214 to keep her with me. Yee-ouch on the fee, I just wanted to be done with this particular group.
Then I splurged a bit and bought her a new bed and a couple toys. She loves the toys, the soft balls with colored foil coming out of them. She wasn't sure about the bed at first, I found her using it earlier this morning.

Charmin is starting to overcome her shyness and come out of the office. I had company Saturday night, so I was cooking most of the afternoon. She was out in the kitchen sniffing at what I was making and asking for treats. When my friend came in, she stayed out, let S pet her, lounged on the carpet in the living room like she owned the place.

Kona... There are days when that one can be exasperating. If I wake up 4-5 am and she notices I'm awake she'll come butt her head on my hand and will purr away as I gently scratch and fluff her. She'll nibble on my fingers and be just a good cat. Later in the day she'll be racing around the house, from her perch in the living room through the dining room to the bedroom or into the tub and back again. She'll roll around and dig in the tub for 15 minutes at a time, and if I get down and fluff her, she'll complain as she purrs. If Charmin comes out, she'll chase her back into the office (which got Kona solitary in my bedroom for an hour last night). Silly feline.

They will get into hissy and growly fits at each other, especially if Kona invades the office. Charmin has slapped at Kona once, so Kona's learned to stay out of paw reach. Both will look at me like 'make her stop!' They will figure it out eventually.

Still no work. Nothing brewing on that front even with both the IT and admin sides of the staffing company looking for me. I'm starting to get that itch that I want to go back to work, but there's more I need to do here at home before I'm truly ready.

I also need to set some intentions around work this time. With the reduction in force (RIF) happening where I was doing software licensing at, my chances of going back there right now are slim. If my former boss survives this RIF she wants to do Six Sigma on software licensing and move to a different team. If those things happen then I might have a chance to go in as a contractor and then do the permanent.

But do I want to be somewhere permanently, or do I want to continue to do contracting and freelancing? I just don't know. I want the stability of permanent and a regular paycheck with the flexability and time off of contracting and freelancing.

Something else I'm considering is putting up a wind turbine (or five or seven) on my farm land. There's a company that helps finance and get clearance for wind turbines for farmers, schools and other businesses. The turbine I'm looking at is $268k. If I get it up yet this year, there are federal rebates that would kick back about 30% of that cost.

There are some hoops I would have to jump through, like putting a meter on the land and perhaps building a small hunting shack so I could sell back the excess energy to the local rural electric coop (REC). It benefits me by providing another income source off the land. It benefits the REC by giving them a green power source to help them meet their goals. I'd like to put up at least five turbines along the fence line, one every quarter mile. I could put up a couple more along the roads as well, for seven or eight total.

I need to look at the money issues and how much average wind is out there. I can finance the turbine with a mortgage on the land, which will bring the land value up. How much the retail rate is from the REC is another factor on the mortgage payment.
All things to contemplate.

Hack hack cough cough

2011-02-22T11:07:00.001-06:00

I don't like being sick. Thankfully I don't come down with anything more than once every 3-4 years. Evidently it's my time to be under the weather with something. My intuitive sense says this is a combination of whatever the current bug is running around, latent stuff being flushed out of my kidneys, and my willingness to take on an upper respiratory so the cats didn't have to. So yeah, I'm sick.

I'm not the only one. My tai chi teacher called me last night to call off tonight's class. He's got the hacking cough I do and his wife won't let him out of the house. Wise woman.

All of this seems to be centered around my throat. I've had a sore throat for most of last week. Started sneezing on Saturday and it all hit on Sunday. I'm taking grapefruit seed extract and Sambucol to counter it, and will add echinacea and goldenseal if an infection starts.

Since it's all throat centered, I wonder what I'm not speaking that needs to be said?
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I'm starting to leave the door open to my office during the day. Charmin has stuck her nose out a few times and Kona has come in the office a few times. More hissing and growling ensues. Eventually these two will figure it out and get along.

Kona does not like being held. That's a problem when I need to brush her, cause she won't sit still. Doesn't help any with all the static she's carrying. I got her to sit for a minute yesterday. I kept my hand on her back while I combed her with a metal comb. Every stroke I got shocked. If that's what she's feeling, no wonder she doesn't like being brushed. I need to find a cat safe conditioner or detangler that I can leave on her that takes the static out. Time to go fish on the net.

Charmin doesn't come out much. She's found a new place to hide, so I may tear things apart and make a new nest for her back there. Something a bit more comfy than laying on papers and books.
Her eyes have finally cleared themselves up, so no more daily dosing with the ointment. Means I need to make time to spend with her, play with her, bring her out of her shell.
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Lo and behold, Thing 2 came through with an emailed list of dates for consideration for all of us adults. There are some conflicts, so they will have to figure that out. At least we have something to work from through the end of summer - it's a step in the right direction.

Another week, another cat

2011-02-14T12:10:00.001-06:00

So this bundle of white is Charmin. She's the newest foster to the house. I apologize for the not so good pix - the poor kid has conjunctivitis - pink eye to the rest of us. I've had her quarantined in my office since I picked her up last Tuesday night. Thankfully the ointment I have to put in her eye three times a day is working - the swelling has come down, her eye almost back to normal like her other one.
She's also recovering from bite wounds. Not sure what happened at her first foster home. They had dogs and little kids, and I suspect one of the dogs got to her. She wouldn't eat for them, but she's been eating and drinking for me.

This is one of those heart breaking cases. When I picked her up to transfer to my crate to bring her home I was overwhelmed with grief and heartbreak. Once we got home and I got the office organized... wow. I picked her up out of the crate, she curled up in my arms and I sobbed. She felt like she'd been emotionally abused as well as the physical.

For the most part I've let her eat and sleep in peace for the last week. When I do come in to do meds, I pick her up and just sit and pet her for a while. Eventually she'll relax and start purring. I have to bundle her up to put the ointment in, so she stays put and doesn't shake it out of her eye.

The debate is, do I keep her or hope that she goes to someone that will have just her and appreciate that they have a really mellow lap cat.
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Still nothing on the work front. That's OK. I suspect I'm getting this time off for a reason.

What's that reason? So I can have time to concentrate on myself. Did the liver & gallbladder flush, which surfaced more anger and resentment. For the next three weeks I'm doing a kidney flush, moving not only the kidney stones and sand out, but also moving the fear as well.

Better to move this stuff now while I have the time off, cause when I do go back to work who knows when I'll get a break again? Go through an intense growth period while I have time, space and peace to process.

And yes, I do realize just how lucky I am that I get to do this and not have to juggle a job on top of it. Yes, I'm still working on the TCM nutritional guide, but I can do that when I want to - be it in the middle of the night or whenever.
The universe works the way it is supposed to.
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Now if we can just get that concept through to one of my nieces... Thing 2 was supposed to find a way for her boyfriend here in the Cities to come out and stay out there this past weekend. When she couldn't find a place for him to stay, they changed plans for her to come here. She didn't bother to ask me if she could stay until noon on Friday, and only after prompting from both her mother and I.

I laid into both kids when they got here Friday night. Lack of planning ahead, lack of respect, the lying about contacting me, lying about a whole mess of stuff.

I'm really glad, when I got my Verizon iPhone, that I paid the $5 for unlimited texting. Friday morning alone I blew through that and then some if I'd still been paying 25 cents a pop. (and yes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my iPhone).
Between texts from his dad, her mom and her...

Saturday morning his parent and I chatted about what was going on and how to handle things moving forward. We then brought the kids in and laid things on the line. From now on everything has to be planned out ahead of time. As soon as you know, you start running things up the flag pole. I asked about prom and spring formal, graduation, any summer doings and started putting them on my calendar as we talked.

We'll see how that goes. I asked for emails to all involved so that everyone is on the same page at the same time. If I don't hear something soon about spring formal plans, I'm going to start prompting.

I didn't have kids for a reason and I still have to deal with this stuff. Oy. Preparing me for my own some day, if menopause doesn't hit first?

Now meet Kona

2011-02-07T13:58:00.003-06:00

Meet the newest addition to the family. This is Kona, a big pouffy furball. Picked her up from P Saturday night and so far we've been getting along pretty well. Other than learning about what side of the bed to sleep on, I think we're pretty well settled.

Since she's a long haired cat, I need to look at either finding a groomer I can trade services with or buying a clippers. Come summer she's going to be boiling with all that fluff, and I'm not going to have the time or patience ever night to brush her and keep the mats down. I figure if I get her a belly and butt trim now, come summer she'll get an all over buzz cut and keep that until fall when we go back to butt and belly trims.

Other than that, not much doing. I did hear about another potential exec admin job at the last place, running from next Monday through the end of April. See what happens. Still waiting to hear on the year long one.

KK

2011-02-02T21:48:00.003-06:00

Got a call today from the adoption coordinator I've been working with on KK. Someone wants to adopt her.

Thankfully we seem to have things under control again. Sunday I went and got different litter and a gallon of Nature's Miracle specifically for cats and went to work on the areas she'd pooped and pee'd on. I made a second box and put it right outside my bedroom door since that was where she was leaving deposits. That worked for a day or so until she did it again. So this time I put down a puppy pad over where I'd cleaned up. That seemed to do the trick - she's consistently used the box for the last 48 hours.

Some of the box issues may have to do with a sensitive nose. I have to scoop the box daily, then she will use it. If I miss a day, she misses the box.

Tomorrow at 12:30 I take her up to the adoption center and she goes home to her new family.

I am a little sad. In some ways, after losing Raini and Shad, I'm not as open to letting anyone in. I don't get as attached as I did to the first two.

Sometime this weekend I will be getting another cat. My friend P took in a cat, but the poor thing is scared of her two dogs. My house is quiet now that the construction is done, so Kola should have a better time here. Even if I do foster another cat, Kola will still be the primary cat.
---
Still nothing on the work front. I am up for an exec admin job for the enterprise applications group at the company I've been at. Since that is IT, I may see if I can do some job share to keep my fingers in the software licensing. If a full time perm job opens up in licensing, I'll drop the contracting job.
Much as I hate to say it, admin jobs are a dime a dozen. There are plenty of others that can fill in. Software licensing, not so much. I created the job and can still work circles around the Boy.

Been crocheting like a mad woman and have 75% of the graduation afghan done. So far I've only had to buy one skein of yarn. I'll let it go for a few days, give my arms a rest, then start filling in between the points of the star.

Still waiting to see if unemployment will come through for me. Been three weeks with no payment, so things are getting tight money wise. Some of it is my fear of even opening the unemployment letters, waiting to find out why I'm not getting paid, or if it's a rerun of what I went through in 2008.

If I get the admin job, that starts the 14th, so I won't get paid until the 25th. OUCH. I'll find a way to survive.

One way is to start selling stuff on Craig's List. I've got a list going, time to start selling. I've got a bike carrier going out the door tomorrow. I need to get pictures of some other stuff and get that listed. If I can get some of that stuff out the door that will help tide me over until the money starts rolling in again.

Patience. This will all work out like it's supposed to. Between now and then I can beat on the Wave Master. I found one on Craig's list for $65, brought it home yesterday. Better to take out my frustration on that then on a living human being.

So it goes...

2011-01-23T15:35:00.002-06:00

Stuff getting done, slowly but surely.

I did get the main part of the living room rearragned. Still a work in progress.

Found someone on Freecycle that wants the end and coffee tables I inherited from Mom. Those I can gladly and gratefully let go of. In letting those go, I did bring one new thing home - a scanner for my computer. If I want to I can scan in all the photos I have and ditch the paper.

I primarily bought the scanner so I can scan in issues of the Taijiquan Journal. I found them on Freecycle. Got a lot of great articles that I want to preserve. I'll scan them in so I can have them on my iPad, then give the paper journals to my instructor. He hadn't heard of the magazine before, so I know he will want to read through them. The journal is no longer printed, but there is a blog associated with the journal, so I can keep up with it that way.

KK is still having issues. The vet discovered that she had already been spayed, so while she had her open, decided to go look at her guts. KK's colon was red, and given the low good bacteria count in her gut, presuming she has colitis. The colitis could be caused by anything from allergies, blunt trauma, emotional upset, change in food, parasites, bad gut bacteria... To start we've put her on Forti-flora, which is a cat probiotic and moved her to Hills W/D food. If those work to slow things down, then she's still adoptable because it can be easily controlled. If not, we add another antibiotic to the mix and we keep trying to figure it out.

Poor kid also has no vertebrae below her pelvis. Even Manx cats have a vestigial tailbone. She doesn't have anything holding her together below where her sacrum holds the pelvis. It's not an issue at the moment, but could be as she gets older.

Meanwhile, nothing on the work front. I'm OK with that for now. Still got a lot to do around here with cleaning and moving stuff out so new stuff can come in. Two or three things out for every one new thing in.

And getting the graduation afghans started. Hard to believe the oldest one will graduate from high school in May. So I have spent some time getting her afghan started. Thankfully she wanted the same colors as the wedding afghan I did last fall, so I can use that yarn up before I buy more.

Half way through January

2011-01-15T11:13:00.002-06:00

I'm starting to get a better handle on where my hours go and what causes me to not get things done. Back in October I had picked up a book called '168 Hours: You have more time than you think' by Laura Vanderkam. I made time to read it and modified her weekly hour tracking to fit me.

What a wake up. I realized where most of my hours are going, and it's not to a worthy cause, it's a time waster. Now, granted, I did get about 20 hours in on the TCM ghostwriting project Wednesday through yesterday, and I have many more hours to go. I have spent 90 minutes every morning meditating, at least a half hour a day walking, and Monday and Friday I did my primal exercises to start regaining some muscle mass.

Still, I've got some holes to fill in the schedule. I have realized that I need to take my to do list and actually block off time on the schedule to do those things. I want to work through Calling in The One - that needs a two hour block per day for a while. There's cleaning to do - make that a half hour block between other reading or working blocks to get me up and moving between sitting on my duff. Same thing with tai chi, take a half hour a day to work on that.

What are my priorities and how do I fit them all in? And what happens if I get an assignment of a day, a week, or if the full time perm software licensing comes through? I'll face that when I get there.

I've come to recognize that this is the year of allowing for me. I'm allowing the stuffed emotions to come to the surface so they can be dealt with and let go. I'm allowing the resistance to abundance to let go so the money can start rolling in. I'm allowing myself to explore the dark side - I can't truly know the light until I've been in the dark. I'm allowing me to find out who I am.
---
KK is at the vet for her spay appointment. Had to haul her in Thursday because her diarrhea didn't stop and she became really bloated. The vet was thinking she might have some bacterial issues in her gut, so she's getting antibiotics for that. Took a sample in so they can test, and she'll be getting other antibiotics as part of her surgery today. Between the oral and the penicillin shot, hopefully that will take care of the issue. If not, keep loading her with probiotics, eventually the good stuff will win.

Time to go shuffle the living room while KK's safely tucked away elsewhere. Perhaps some before and after photos tomorrow or Monday.

Breathing room

2011-01-10T11:12:00.002-06:00

So, the last assignment is done and I now have some free time. Time to free up some more space and get stuff out of here that no longer serves me.

Case in point: went surfing through Freecycle this weekend. Originally I was looking to see if anyone was giving away their cat(s) like when I picked up Tabby and AB last year. Didn't see anything, but they did refer me to Petfinder.com. So I went looking there. A couple rescue organizations needed foster homes, so I put in a couple applications to be a foster mom. One called me a couple hours later asking if I could take one from a shipment they were getting that night. Sure, I can do that, still have litter and food from AB.

I came home with a young female Manx I first thought was named Kemble. On her tag it says Krumble. I am not calling a cat Krumble, so I've nicknamed her Kay or KK. She's a good girl so far. We've had some digestive upset as the crap they were feeding her previously works out of her system and the good stuff kicks in. I'll add some aloe juice to her water to help her along.

She does know a few commands. She understands that 'hop up' is permission to come up to the bed or onto my lap. Hasn't quite figured out 'down' yet, but she's getting there. She also stops whatever she's doing if I tell her no. One thing we really need to work on is where the proper place to scratch is. She hasn't quite warmed up to the Emery Cat I bought her.

When I got her home the first thing I did was trim her nails. A couple of them were almost curved back into her pads, so that couldn't have been comfortable. They are now much shorter and blunt. Still, my jeans, comforter, rugs and carpet are not approved scratching devices. So along with the Emery Cat I also bought catnip spray and a spray to tell her where NOT to be. Entice her to where she can go, discourage her from where she shouldn't. And if she turns out to not care about catnip, well, the other spray will point her in the right direction.

Another thing I found on Freecycle was someone looking for a massage table. I've had the one I bought at Costco sitting in the closet since 2007 when I stopped doing shares. It's not doing me any good, it's holding space for something that's not going to happen again, and there are too many memories attached to that table. So I gave it away. That made room in the closet for my massage chair and the Body Cushions. Sweet.

There are several things I'm going to put out on Freecycle, see if they go. If not, to ARC they go. I also need to make a run to Ocean Tech to drop off a couple dead computers and CD players. Ocean Tech will, for $5 each, wipe the hard drives on the computers before they recycle them. Works for me, more clutter out the door in a responsible manner.

I've also got some plans in my head on how to re-arrange the furniture in the living room. It's been the same way for the last 14 years. Time to shake some things up. Most of it isn't a huge move - swap the love seat for the couch, move a couple book shelves, move the TV. Most of it will make conversation easier, cause right now it's not a comfortable place to sit and talk.

Then I'll tackle the 'other' office area behind the couch. Turn the desk around, or move it to a more favorable feng shui direction. Move more bookshelves, the pantry with the yarn, the empty freezer...

Then it's to clean out the main office, get that down to basics again. Move into the bedroom, clean that up, find matching night stands, maybe even move things around.

In other words, spring cleaning has hit WAY before spring is here. Might as well do it now while I have time. The last time I cleaned like this was when I landed the software licensing... Do a bang up job this time and I might get the job permanently. Or another opportunity might come along.

Time to have some breakfast, or lunch... I suppose I should eat... or not...

Integration

2010-12-27T12:44:00.002-06:00

Well... just got home from a visit with Dr. Rory.

I've set an intention for this time off from work to give full rein to the grief I've been denying for years. We're between a full lunar eclipse that happened on the winter solstice and a full solar eclipse on January 4. It's a time of huge changes for most people. If you chose not to change, to be stiff and unyielding, you will pay for it with lots of pain.

My grief came up loud and clear while I was on the table. He poked a couple places in my back and I was sobbing. I told him I was working on letting go of not only my fears but all my hopes and dreams as well. I have to let go of the grief that's been pushed aside and stuffed away to let go of the weight.

He's not the first to comment on my grief. My acupuncturist did as well. During our last session she put a needle into a point on my left wrist that had been hurting. It zinged all the way to the end of my finger. The point she hit is on the heart meridian, which is loaded with grief.

He saw my Open Hearts pendant. My gift to myself this year was this pendant. I bought it for myself as a reminder that I can't let anything new into my life if my heart isn't open. I also can't let anything out, either. If I want to make new choices, the old choices have to go.
Open hearts, open circles, spirals. The dark feminine is coming to the fore.

Rory told me that 2011 is a year of connection, desire, understanding. What he called the dark hag of desire is coming up, the things we desire in our lives are coming to the front and demanding attention. We can either consciously chose to bring her into the light or ignore her and she will come up when she damn well wants to. I choose to bring her up now, to gently coax her into the light so we can work together on my terms.

He also pointed out we have two balls in our lives, one rubber, one glass. Our rubber balls are our careers, our jobs. If we let them drop we can bounce back and re-define ourselves. How many times have I changed careers?

Our relationships with each other are glass. Especially this year, if we let these drop they will shatter beyond repair. Some are already cracked before they fall, they may be able to be healed. Those already in free fall will break this year. Some people may not realize their relationships are in free fall and will try to hang on, only to watch them shatter anyways.

I suspect there will be a lot of divorces and business partnerships dissolving this year. And if they don't dissolve, the death of one of the partners because they chose not to change or adapt to the new energy.

See what the acupuncturist has to say tomorrow, and my Quantum Touch instructor on Thursday. It's going to be an intense week.

A week to the holiday

2010-12-19T18:09:00.002-06:00

Bah humbug.

No, that's not for the season, just for the over commercialization. I'm avoiding the malls as much as possible, and since I don't have to buy gifts for anyone, not much of an issue.

Went to see my therapeutic coach instructor Monday night since I couldn't seem to solve my parts issues. One of the first things out of her mouth was that I'm trying to do too much, hence why nothing seems to get done. I need to focus on one thing, give it time to integrate, play with a limited amount of other things, then go back to the focus subject.

In other words, pick one thing and stick with it. So I'm choosing to focus on the tai chi, as that feeds not only my head, but my heart and body as well. The rest will just have to wait.

The other thing that has me wondering is the integration time. Just how much time do I need to give my brain in order to integrate what I've learned? It feels like I'm spending a lot of time in idle when I should be doing things. Perhaps I really do have that much to integrate.

A week from today is the DoJoKo holiday party. Weather is supposed to be good, so everyone should be able to make it this year. The party room is reserved, I can borrow the projector from work, encourage Jones clan to bring their latest games and controllers and go from there.

I'll do some baking on Friday and Saturday, stuff that John and I can have that's low carb. Dig out the almond and coconut flours and other good stuff.

Short week at work, since we have Friday and all of the following week off. See if I can find a working laptop to bring home and do some work on the sly for licensing.

And now for the snowstorm...

2010-12-12T11:50:00.002-06:00

Gotta love winter in Minnesota. Just got through the 5th snowiest blizzard in recorded weather history. The worst was the Halloween blizzard in 1991 with 28", this one had 17.1" officially. Some friends in Savage, about 20 miles south of me, had 22", where I have about a foot in my backyard, not including the drifting.

With the snow comes the subzero cold. A high today of 3 degrees F with an overnight low of -14. Brrr. At least the heat is keeping up and it's comfortable in here.

And as it's storming outside, it's storming inside. Went to see an acupuncturist Friday night that is willing to trade acupuncture for me ghostwriting a Traditional Chinese Medicine nutritional guide for her. As we went through my patient intake she noted several things and are in direct relation to what I've been noticing.

When she put the needles in me, more than energy began to flow. Thursday night my former boss and I had a discussion about software licensing and how the Boy is doing. She asked me to stop helping him keep up with the EUSR's and SR's for two reasons. One is she's afraid of legal ramifications of me not being on her payroll while I'm doing the work. The other is that the Boy isn't keeping up. Her thinking is that if he fails, then she has justification with the !@#$%!! VP to bring me back because he can't keep up. She can leverage that it's a two person job and who better to bring back than the person that knows how to do it best.

In the Boy's words from a previous conversation, let them feel the pain, that things won't change until the higher ups feel the pain. I fear that if they feel the pain he may lose his job.

As soon as I started talking about this situation, the acupuncturist picked up that I am in love with him. I told her I'm working through Calling in The One, and it turns out she has the book as well. She thinks I need to ask him where I fit into things.

Here's how this all ties together between the conversations I had with my former boss and the acupuncturist. The Boy has had very little motivation since his wife hit him with the divorce request in the fall of 2008. She took away the one thing that makes him him - his martial arts. In essence, she blackmailed him into giving up what makes him happy to make her happy. Without his martial arts he doesn't have an outlet for his energy, his feelings, so he's not whole, and it shows.

It shows in his lack of motivation at work. With as many EUSR's and SR's piled up as there are right now, I could have most of that knocked down in a week and keep it stable. He's plain and simple not keeping up. Now if that's part of his plan to get me back in, then I need to know that so I don't fight our boss on that.

It shows on his face and in his hair. Every time I see him the lines are deeper and his hair gets more and more gray. He's more salt and pepper than his dad is, and he's only 41, whereas his dad is in his 70's.

As I've been working through Calling in The One, two themes keep coming up: one is letting people see that I am vulnerable and am willing to ask for and accept help; the other is telling people what I need from them in a way that they understand and are willing to give it to me. Best way to start is to tell the Boy what I need from him, both personally and professionally.

If it works, yeah, I get what I need. If it backfires, then I've expressed my need and the Universe can act on it from there.

Heat, finally...

2010-12-07T11:53:00.004-06:00

I believe the heat saga is finally solved. Helps when you get competent people out to do the repairs...

This morning the association had the company that maintains the boiler come out to take a look at things. The gentleman they sent out, Pat, took at look at things, took apart what Richard the plumber did a couple weeks ago, and discovered that the valve that lets the hot water into my heating lines was put in backwards. The incompetent idiot that put it in two years ago put it flowing the wrong direction.

To add to that, there was a good sized air bubble in the system somewhere in the pipes around my bedroom. Since the bleeder valve was put in on the wrong side of the shut off valve (by the incompetent idiot), bleeding the line did no good.

Pat took out the incoming valve and put it in so the hot water flows the correct direction. He then also moved the bleeder valve so it's on the correct side of the shut off valve. He confirmed that I did install my thermostat correctly so the system will now heat my unit.

He cranked up the thermostat to 80 before he left, so I'm actually starting to get some heat in the house. You have no idea of how happy I am to have heat and know that I'm not going to freeze this winter.
---

I will make one last comment about the last temp job I had. The VP had asked the director to have flowers delivered to me for doing such a 'wonderful job' - gag. The director picked out a beautiful bouquet.

Pink, orange and lavender roses, dark purple and green carnations in a square glass vase with colored glass stones in the bottom. I got them last week Tuesday.

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Lots of other stuff going on. The tai chi and 'Calling in "The One"' classes are surfacing a lot of stuff, layers of onion I thought I was done peeling. Evidently not.
Several of the issues are parts issues with very similar things going on. I emailed my therapeutic coaching teacher and she has time Monday night, so I'll go see her to get some help. See if between us we can't collapse the sugar addiction, the weight plateau, not practicing my tai chi, not doing my Calling homework, not taking care of myself.

I'm also hooking up with an acupuncturist I met while I was doing the rounds of BNI groups. She wants help writing and editing a nutritional e-book and is willing to trade acupuncture for writing. Now we just need to find a time to meet and figure out how this will work.

Gotta do something. My back, right about my heart level, hurts. I saw Dr. Rory Friday night and he couldn't get my back to move at all. Been doing a few things to loosen it up, but I can feel the energy getting stuck. I believe the acupuncture can help open up the meridians, get the energy moving so I can get beyond this. Do the qigong exercise Frank gave me to help realign my posture as well.

I feel like the bubble is ready to pop on a lot of things. Have my teacher lance the mental/emotional side, the acupuncture get the physical energy moving and the spiritual will flow into harmony.

Things are moving...

2010-11-12T22:00:00.002-06:00

Things are moving, indeed.

As I've been writing about for a few weeks, I started Tai Chi Chaun Tuesday night with the Boy's dad. Frank has one other student currently that's been taking class from him for two years. She's OK with me starting class, so she said, because it never hurts to review the basics. And I am starting from scratch.

Learned the basic Tai Chi stance. Been working on it twice a day, 10 minutes at a time. Thankfully I have an iPad app called Zen Meditation that allows me to set timers within the meditation timer. It does a countdown so I can get into position, sounds a bell to signal the start, sounds a different bell to let me know I can lower my arms, and another bell to let me know the meditation is done. I can change the timing so as I can tolerate standing in stance longer, I can easily change the times and save them as presets for later use.

Frank is also a believer in the old school 174 move tai chi, not the 24 or 48 move versions. So I have a bit to learn yet. Duh, I just started, yes I have a LOT to learn, and hopefully he'll be around for many more years to teach me.

I did poke the Boy on Tuesday when I was over in his building about starting his practice up again. Not until he's done with school in another year and a half. See if I can't prod him back when he's on break between class.

Another thing Frank asked me to do was keep a journal. Back to the iPad and another app called Chapters. One app, many 'chapters' to keep track of different writing projects. I have one journal for tai chi, one for questions for Frank as they come up, and another for as I work through the book 'Calling in "The One"'.

I've noted what has been happening in my body as I am in stance. If my eyes are closed I sway like I used to when I was regularly doing healing shares. If my eyes are open, little to no sway. One of my questions for next week is about the breathing - how am I to direct the energy as I breathe in and out? I can feel the energy moving, but not sure if it's clockwise, counterclockwise, if each of the circles can go their own direction... Yeah, lots of questions not answered so far in any of the books I have.

Thinking of "The One", got an email from them that they had scholarships available for the seven week teleclass. Didn't know if I'd get one or not, but I sure wouldn't if I didn't apply. I did get a partial scholarship for 25% off the class and the option to pay for it over three months.
I've already been working through the book, doing the assignments. I do believe, however, that attending the class will reinforce what I've already been doing. Hold me accountable for getting through it in seven weeks.

Yes, letting go of the Boy is one of the things I suspect I'll have to do during this class. Can I salvage the friendship while letting go of the roadblocks? Time will tell.

Yeah...

2010-11-07T10:16:00.004-06:00

So yesterday conspired to be a crazy day. I knew a couple weeks ago I was having a friend over for supper. In going back to work I needed to Taez's oil changed cause he's two months overdue but at the correct mileage for an oil change, so I scheduled that.

Then came AB's slow decline. I knew after talking to Jodi the animal communicator that he was starting to wind down. He'd gone off his food a couple times this week and didn't want me holding or touching him. He did choose to come and meditate with me both Friday and Saturday mornings...

I've gotten to the point I would rather let him go too early than too late. I let Raini go too long, same with Shadow and Tabby. I wasn't willing to put him through that. Could he have made it another week or two? Maybe, but I suspect he would have been suffering with the coughs, not feeling good, etc. Quality of life vs. quantity. I'd rather do quality.

That meant scheduling his euthanasia for yesterday. His first set of parents wanted to be there, as Tabby's happened so suddenly. Tuesday they euthanized the one they did keep, so to have a second go in the same week, the third in a month was hard for them.

They took his body home to bury him next to the one they let go of. Their kids are making garden stones for all three cats.

In a way I'm glad I was crazy busy yesterday. I cried when I got home from the vet, then had to get right back to cleaning and getting ready for dinner. I didn't have the house perfectly clean like I wanted. The main areas were clean and clutter free (my office, not so much). For those that know me and have been to my place, these pictures may astound you - clean floors, clear countertops, the kitchen table is usable...

Yes, I have a ways to go. There are 8-9 bags of stuff in Taez to go to ARC for donation. There will be more before the year is done. Time to clean house and make space.

Thinking of making space... Dinner and conversation with Stacey last night were just what I needed. To be able to talk about the metaphysical side of things and have someone know and understand the references and get the meaning is a wonderful gift. She borrowed my copy of the Debbie Ford documentary "The Shadow Effect." I think she'll like it.

RIP AB

2010-11-06T12:17:00.003-05:00

Rest in peace, AB.

Go play with Tabby, your brother Joey (who his first parents just let go of on Tuesday), Raini, Shadow, Gilly, Tish, Poochie, Duke and all the others waiting at Rainbow Bridge. I'll see in you in a while.

More on the circumstances tomorrow.

Best laid plans...

2010-11-02T20:17:00.002-05:00

Well, the idea of having a cleaning service come in to help on Friday was cancelled because I had to go in to work on Friday. The cleaning service is Monday - Friday only, so there went that.

It's going to be an interesting five weeks. The woman I'll be working for is reviled on the floor she works on. The company had a not so good quarter, so all budgets have been cut. Evidently she doesn't think that applies to her. She's dropped over a million dollars on a consulting firm to help plan out what she's supposed to be doing, and at a quarter million a month, there's several months to go. Website work that should and can be easily done in house she's farming out at over $125k, and the branding package will be about the same.

She's one of those nightmares that is sweet to your face and throws you under the bus the minute your back is turned. Or blames everyone else for decisions she made that she no longer likes. Piece of work this one is.

Hopefully soon the senior VP above her will call her on the carpet for her extravagance. Her current admin found a new position because she couldn't tolerate the nonsense. She also talked to HR about what's going on so they are aware of this BS.

As the boy said to me today, grit your teeth and think of the money. And move as much energy as I can.

Thinking of energy and the boy, I start Tai Chi with his dad next week Tuesday. His other student is from my area so we may be able to carpool back and forth. That would be nice on nights when the weather isn't so good.

I've picked up several books on Tai Chi over the last couple weeks. This would be a good time to PhotoRead all of them to get a good overview. That will have to wait until Sunday.

Still trying to prep for dinner Saturday night. Last night I made butternut squash soup. Cut up two squash, simmered them in chicken stock and water, then took the stick blender to it. Ended up with a gallon+ of soup. Tonight I made nut meal crackers - almond meal, parmesan cheese, oregano & chives with a bit of water and olive oil to bind it together. YUM! Tomorrow night I need to make the olive dip - one can black olives, one jar green olives, one 8 oz block of cream cheese. Add drained olives to food processor, buzz once or twice, add in cream cheese and buzz until smooth. Addicting.

I figure if I get something done every night this week there will be less I need to do on Saturday so I can concentrate on the cleaning. At least find the dining room table so we can eat at it, mop the floor, put stuff in the office and close the door. It will be better the next time she comes over.

AB is still hanging in there, barely. I suspect soon I will have to lay him to rest as well. At least these last 10 months of his life have been quiet and peaceful where he can bask in the sunshine on my bed.

For now, my rest will have to wait, got too much to do.

Back to work

2010-10-27T19:52:00.002-05:00

After two months of freedom I'm back to work on Monday. I'll be working at the same company for a VP in a different business unit and location. She needs a fill in admin, as her current contract admin picked up a permanent job in the company and the VP needs to interview and settle on a permanent admin herself.

No, this isn't a position I want long term. Go in, babysit, make sure the place keeps running, hand over the keys to the next person. I'll be there for about a month.

Been working like crazy on finishing a wedding afghan for a co-worker. See if I can fit in lunch with her before the current admin leaves. It's seven plus miles between the two buildings, so an hour lunch will still take almost two hours with travel time and walking within the buildings.

Talked to the Boy's dad over the weekend about becoming his student. We talked for 45 minutes on the phone, him trying to figure out where I fit into his training and me trying to explain what I'm looking for. I'll head out for class November 9 to see if tai chi is what I'm looking for.

When you hear tai chi, you're probably thinking of the pictures of older folks in China doing the movements in slow motion in the park. While that is part of tai chi, it is in fact a deadly and healing martial art. What can harm can heal and healing can be hurtful. Intent and how you use the knowledge is the difference.

If the Boy's dad accepts me as a student, his tai chi class is Tuesday nights at 7. I've already set an intention that Tuesday nights will be calm, the roads dry and the temps above zero.
I may also prod the Boy into resuming his tai chi studies as well. I'll be taking at least three hours a week just for class - an hour's drive out and back, an hour for class, more for drive time if the weather isn't good. He's got a few blocks to walk/drive - maybe 90 minutes. See what happens.

If you haven't heard, Minnesota has been brutally windy the last two days. Our barometric pressure hit levels that are normally seen in a category 3 hurricane. We've been dealing with steady winds of 25-45 mph with gusts up to 60 mph. It's been dying down as today wore on.
Enough to make me and AB a bit squirley. Back to normal tomorrow.

Actually, tomorrow I need to organize the kitchen. I've hired a maid service to come in and clean the kitchen/dining room and bathroom before next week. I don't own a mop and bucket, nor do I want to invest in them. This is one of those times that paying someone to come in and clean is worth the money. If I like the service, I may have them come in once every six to eight weeks just to keep the place up.
Pay people for what they are passionate about. If they like to clean, let them do it. I'll focus on what I'm good at.

Lessons and reflections

2010-10-18T17:53:00.002-05:00

I'm not fond of mirrors for a myriad of reasons. Some, yes, are due to my current body size and being overweight for 35 of my 43 years. Others are due to the metaphysical implications of mirrors and their meaning.

Metaphysical mirrors seem to be almost everywhere I look lately. Then again, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see is a nail.

So what's the latest mirror? Tabby and AB. I spent an hour with Jodi the animal communicator Saturday morning. AB is winding down. His mind is still clear, his body is starting to fail him. He's been wobbly, his appetite is still good, needs more fluids. We're headed to the vet in an hour because when he purrs I can hear the mucus rattling in his lungs.
At this point all I can do is keep him comfortable. Saturday night he scared me because he just couldn't get comfortable. He'd be on my lap, couldn't sit still, jump down, want back up but couldn't make the jump himself. He was hurting and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. He's got maybe a month left, if that.

Tabby I couldn't have helped if I'd wanted to. Somewhere along the way she was damaged pretty badly and was not about to bond with anyone. By giving her a clean, quiet space for the last 10 months of her life I did the best I could for her.

Whatever happened to her, she wasn't willing to risk bonding with anyone for fear she'd be hurt again. That's a direct reflection on what's happened with me. As Jodi pointed out, part of why I have fallen for unavailable men is that I am unavailable myself. I'm not ready for a relationship yet. When I get my ducks together internally, the external will reflect that back to me. Someone will walk into my life and want me as I am.

As John Berry's song "She's Taken a Shine" says, "She's got a different air/She's taken a shine to him/becoming the woman she's never been/all the guys are wishin' they hadn't been so blind/She's taken a shine to life/now there's a sparkle in her eyes/they all missed a gem, a diamond within/she's taken a shine..."

So it's back to work on the list of what I need to have in the man in my life. The Boy reflected a lot of the good in me, helped me see and realize what I want. I was cleaning out a tablet to separate out my house ideas from my crocheting patterns and came across a list I'd written a year or two ago of the traits I want in a man. The Boy had all of those traits. What I had forgotten to list was legally available. In the next couple days I'll post my list of what I need/want in my male companion - let the Universe know I'm working my way to being ready for him.

Along the way I need to let go of things. Hence Tabby, and soon AB's, leaving my life. Let them go with grace and ease. I get the lessons they had for me, now they can move on to help others.

Some pets, however, seem to stay with me for lifetimes. I asked about Raini, and she's still hanging around. Evidently we've been doing this since ancient Egyptian times. Makes me wonder what has caused her to stay in cat form - why not evolve as I have? Figure it out when I go back to spirit.

Work on other stuff continues. I'm cranking on a wedding afghan. I'm now more than half done with it. I want to get it done so I can get it in to a gal at my former workplace - make a day of it to do lunch with her and check in on the boys doing my job.
Once that's done, I need to experiment with some baby afghans. I found a star pattern I like, but I want to modify it to fill in between the arms. If it works on the baby afghans, then I'll use that pattern for my kids' graduation afghans. First one is due by Memorial Day next year (aack - when did that happen?).

One thing at a time.

Days like this...

2010-10-09T18:49:00.001-05:00

Gorgeous day. Not sure if we made another record or not, I'll take 80's in October any day.

Took Chael out for a 95 mile ride today. Went to my martial arts class, then headed out to look at the fall colors. Spent a good 2.5 hours out on the bike just wandering around. Been threatening to do that all summer and finally did it.

I'll admit that part of it I needed to get mileage and drive time to a potential new martial arts school. It's not that my current martial arts teacher is a bad teacher - far from it. There are some key differences in our opinions about chi - the body's energy field - and it's use in martial arts.

My current instructor does not believe in chi, or that the body's energy fields exist. I, on the other hand, do believe in the bio-electric field that I know for sure exists around and within the body. Hello, Quantum Touch instructor and Reiki Master Teacher, plus level three Spring Forest Qigong here? So, yeah, a bit disconcerting to find out he doesn't get it. What caused me to not pick up on this before, not sure, and at this point it doesn't matter.

What it does mean is that I've got until December to find a new instructor. I've paid through the end of the year and will keep going until then. Maybe I'll even continue after that. I do know I need to find someone that understands the energy flow and is open to me tweaking it once I understand the hows and whys of what they do.

One of the first people I want to talk to is the Boy's dad. He's been teaching since 1988 and has been doing martial arts for almost 40 years. I'm not fond of the idea of tae kwon do, but if doing that gets me what I am seeking, so be it.

If I do decide to go with the Boy's dad, it's a 70 mile round trip out to where he teaches twice a week. On top of class fees there's an additional 40 gallons of gas and 560 miles on my truck a month. At night. So another consideration would be weather, especially in January and February when it hits sub-zero for extended periods of time. Is he flexible if I miss class due to weather?

I shot an email off to the boy this morning asking him to forward my contact info to his dad. See if he does, or if I need to get after him - with only one brain cell functioning (so he says) his memory is a little short.

Then there's the furry boy, AB. He doesn't have hyperthyroid, but there are liver and kidney issues. I'm giving him canned food with extra water twice a day and adding milk thistle extract to his food to help with the liver functioning. He's mowing the food down, so he may not be noticing the milk thistle.

He's still a bit depressed without Tabby around. He's taken to sleeping on the bottom tier of a two tier cat hammock I bought for Raini and Shadow a couple years ago. He used to sleep in the living room recliner and be a bit of a pest when I was eating. Now he barely comes out of my room, except to use the litter box and eat.

I've got an appointment with our animal communicator next week. See what she can tell me about how Tabby is doing and what AB needs.

My gray ghost

2010-10-05T15:37:00.002-05:00

My grey ghost has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

For the last couple weeks Tabby hasn't been herself. In the last week she's been really wobbly, walking on her hind hocks (from her knees down), and her pupils weren't even. Since Sunday she's let me get close enough to pet her and pick her up without running away.

This was another of those days that when I made the vet appointment yesterday I knew I wouldn't be bringing her home. I got to hold her right up until they did the final shot. She knew I was there and I loved her.

AB is still going. We'll know tomorrow if he has hyperthyroidism for sure. I suspect he does given how much he eats despite his dental issues. I'll treat him like I did Raini - herbally and with energy work. No radiation or surgery.

I've got distractions coming in about a half hour in the form of the Jones clan. Mom and three of the girls are coming in for a concert. We'll drop the kids off at the concert and go enjoy ourselves.

I'll figure out what lessons Tabby had for me later.

Quick notes

2010-09-29T17:55:00.002-05:00

Quick note on how things are going.

The new DSL is up and running. Had some fits and kittens to get my modem to work with Qwest, but now we're up to speed.

The new windows are in. That was an ordeal. I came home after a BNI meeting this morning to find my patio door WIDE open, two windows already torn out and a mess all over. Evidently the construction manager didn't bother to tell the crew I had cats or to only work on the office window until I got home so I could keep an eye on the cats. The construction manager will be getting a formal written complaint. The guys didn't bother to clean up after themselves, either.

Thankfully Tabby stayed under my bed and the open door didn't tempt AB to take a walk about.

I've made three BNI meetings so far this week. I've gotten one referral and one of the guys I talked to, his wife is a writer and his brother-in-law is a copy writer. I'll follow up with them next week once the website is built.

The next thing tonight is the third class for the website building. I need to sit down and write the content - at least now I know what content I need to write. Between meetings tomorrow I'll get that rolling.

Friday I head back to my old job to help the boys that took over my job. Sounds more and more like the boy will end up doing most, if not all, of my job. Cell phone guy is pushing back and not wanting to do what I assigned to him. Have a chat with them and my old boss about all of this and see where they want to go.

Ren Fest was a blast on Sunday. Spent 9+ hours walking around with Jones and Dominik clans. Made it before opening cannon and left not long before closing cannon. Due to a friend's generosity in getting the clan in for free, I am going back this coming weekend to pick up the sky chair I want. Since it's the last weekend, there should be some discounts so the merchants don't have to take stuff home.

Class is about to start, so more later.

Changes

2010-09-24T10:58:00.002-05:00

Lots of things moving and changing in the next week.

Time to move up in internet speed. I've been using a local ISP since I hooked up to the net years ago. First it was Goldengate, who then got bought out by IP House. Now I'm running into the issue that Qwest limits the MPS that IPHouse can do. In my area I've maxed out at 1.5 MPS. If I want anything faster I need to move to Qwest as my ISP since they own the fiber optic backbone.

So I've bitten the bullet and put the order in to move to Qwest as my ISP. I'll email IPHouse and tell them to shut down as of next Thursday. Good timing, as they bill on the first of the month.

New windows are FINALLY being installed next Wednesday and Thursday. Given that my current windows are leaking like sieves in the monsoon we're dealing with, it's a really good thing. That I had to go round and round with the contractor to get those dates, not so fun.

Next Friday I will be back in my former office for most of the day. I'm having lunch with the boss who was out for my last two weeks so we can play catch up. I'm also meeting with the boy before lunch to go over stuff and with the cell phone guy after lunch.

The emails have been flying back and forth this week. Cell phone guy is trying to remember how to do something he should have been doing weekly - meaning he's three weeks behind on that task. That is causing the boy problems because he needs that weekly purchase data to keep up with the licensing tasks. Given how the boy can intimidate people, I suspect there is some friction between the two of them I may have to work on when I'm in the office next week. Mirrors...

House cleaning. Started in on the living room yesterday because there may be a Jones invasion tomorrow night. If everyone and the friend shows up that's 9 more people in a space for 1. It will be tight, but we can do it.

I can see most of the living room floor, which is a huge thing. No more carpet skating. I need to figure out what to do with my old cassette tapes and video tapes that have outlived their usefulness. Find new homes for things or move them out entirely. I sense another 'thing purge' about to happen.

I'm starting to pull stuff together for The Write Support. I've attended a couple networking events and have started handing out business cards. I'm also gathering business cards to connect with. I'm watching The International Freelance online conference today, trying to pick up info to help me get the word out. Between sessions I'm researching author groups, small publishing houses, virtual admins, copywriters, marketers, script/screen writers, playwrights, anyone that needs research done. (If you have ideas for others I should go after, comment with your idea.)

Next week I've got an online class that will help me build a marketing website. This class is specifically for freelancers in research, copywriting, writing and photography markets. They are offering four nights of class plus a critique of the site once it's up and running. There's also another class specifically for researchers, so I'll take advantage of that.

I also need to hit more networking groups. I did one yesterday morning. A small group, not so sure they would work with my long term plans. I need to see what other groups are available besides BNI. I'll hit BNI groups here on the west side of the Cities as an initial method to get the word out. I expect in the long term my pursuit of my target markets will bring me the most business.

And communication issues. Found out Sunday when P came over that my name wasn't in the entry door security panel. We went through it, I wasn't in there. Emailed the association so that's been fixed.
But it has caused problems. I had to go pick up a package from UPS in Maple Grove because they couldn't find me on the directory. Now I have to go to St. Paul because Fed Ex drivers are crap. They attempted to deliver once, then sent me a post card. I will not use Fed Ex because they are so unreliable about delivery.

Finally, for the first time since I got my driver's license, I weigh less than what my driver's license says I do. That means I'm 40 pounds lighter since I started tracking in February. Still got a ways to go, I'm almost half way there.

Sometimes...

2010-09-20T19:36:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you need to get sick before you can get better.

Such is my life this past week. I picked up a job, supposedly Tuesday to Friday, for a medical device company that takes other companies products that have been used, clean them up, refurbish them if they can be, and sends them back out for use. This can include anything from surgical tools to pacemakers, defibulators and more.

Been working in the HR department doing all sorts of things. Part of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and most of Thursday I spent stuffing T-shirts into envelopes and mailing them. I've scanned, re-wrote policy, figured out how to add drop down lists to Word docs and more. Yeah rah. I got extended to tomorrow, so I can finish up all the stuff they wanted done.

I also got sick. Friday morning I woke up to a really unhappy gut. Got a few bites of breakfast down, then dealt with pain the rest of the day, along with a bit of a fever. Came home, crashed in my chair to sleep off the worst of the fever. (I'm a firm believer in letting a fever run it's course. The body creates extra heat to kill whatever is ailing you.) I slept from 5:30 Friday night until 7 the next morning.

Went to the farmer's market to get a few things, stopped and picked up plain yogurt on the way home to see if the gut would tolerate that. It did, and the pain subsided as the day went on. I felt good enough that I went ahead with plans to see a new friend for supper Saturday night.

SS is someone I met on the job and was my main Accounts team contact. We didn't find out until shortly before I left that we had a lot in common. I'd given her some of the Alison Armstrong stuff, so she offered to cook supper for me.
What a joy that turned out to be. Turns out we have much the same view points on spirituality, food, cooking, how the world works, what to do about the men in our lives. On top of working full time she's also attending Le Cordon Bleu cooking school at night.

Now, granted, I'm not about to go to cooking school, and I'm far from a foodie. I do like to cook and play and see what I can figure out. And I love eating things that taste good, smell good, and are good for me. Add in good conversation with someone who gets what I'm talking about... ahhhhh.

So she's coming up to my house in October (AACK!) so I can cook for her. (Gives me a deadline to clean house.) I'm thinking a pumpkin or squash soup, a leg of lamb or beef roast and veggies, and some type of dessert. She can bring a good cabernet or merlot and we'll eat and talk.

I have another reason to clean house that comes in less than two weeks. G is bringing two of her girls to the Muse concert October 5 and needs a place to crash. Then they can drive from here to Willmar the next morning to deal with other issues. So, first I must find bottom to the living room so that the sofa bed can be pulled out. And I need to fix my recliner so it too can be used as a bed.

Got a call from my former boss Thursday night. The !@#$%^&!! VP cut her budget, and the first thing he cut was the money to bring me back in November. They are in the middle of a hiring freeze, so she can't even bring in the rest of the people she needs to make Win7 happen.
We're in the middle of figuring out when we can do lunch, so I can get a better idea of what's going on. I suggested she plan a meeting with the two guys that took over my job after lunch so they can vent and ask questions. Then she can hear and ask questions as well.

I am taking care of myself in the process. Friday and Saturday this week is the International Freelancer's Day online conference. Since it's no cost and covers topics I need to know about, I'm taking the time to watch it. It's perfect timing to help get The Write Support off the ground.

Energy and resources

2010-09-12T14:15:00.002-05:00

Physically, I feel like my energy and resources are tapped out. I've been sleeping as much as I can this last week and it still doesn't feel like it's enough. Whether that's from the low carb flu, since I'm cutting back on the carbs as much as I can, or from the sheer physical exhaustion of working 88 straight weeks with no down time, doesn't matter.

I have gotten a few things done between naps this week. The resume has been updated for admin work and turned in to the staffing company. They found me a four day job for next week at another local medical device company. It's something they need done with Publisher, so I'll spend four days doing that.

Been pulling together stuff to do my taxes. I've got the profit and loss statements done for both the farm and Inquire. I've found a few tax documents, at the moment I have yet to find my W-2 from the staffing company. I may have to do some scrambling on that one. Hopefully the local accounting office can print me a new one so I can get my taxes done tomorrow afternoon. Or the Universe is kind enough to point out to me where the first copy is in my mess of a house.

In pulling the tax stuff together I have found a bit of the house. The kitchen table is kind of cleared off. Not enough to actually eat at the table, but getting there. I can see the surface of it. I can also see under the table, where all the dust bunnies are at.

Went to see Dr. Rory Friday. He could sense my exhaustion, yet he said there was a vigor underneath waiting to be tapped into. He gave me permission to keep napping and taking care of myself. While poking and prodding he found three nasty knots in my ribs, besides the rib that won't stay in place. Not surprising since I was figuratively tied up in knots for weeks about the job.

Been working on some stuff for my internet research business. Been looking up virtual admins, small local publishing houses, authors, copywriters, marketers. Anyone who needs research done. I need to move the website to a different provider so I can get a basic front page built. I've got a class in a couple weeks on how to write a specific internet research site to bring in business.
There are a couple chamber mixers coming up that I'll hit, along with some BNI and other networking groups as I get time in the coming weeks. Get my name out, get the emails out, get this thing cooking.

As I've told the boy and others, I'm getting tired of this merry-go-round. I need some stability. Even if I do the internet research part time and put the money away as a slush fund, it helps. If I do get my job back, then the money can go towards having plastic surgery next summer. Or I can get a different vehicle. Or I can look at moving out of this @#$%^& place I live in.

This place I live in... I suspect we've got some big issues we're about to get hit with. The structural engineers have warned us to not use the decks and catwalks because they are structurally unsound. Now it turns out there may be even more structural problems with the building. There's an owner's meeting Thursday night to get the latest.
I suspect a good tornado would be the best thing for this place. Take it down by an act of the Universe so they can start over again.

Didn't hear from either of the boys this week. I suspect they are at the 'I don't know what I don't know' stage. Drop them an email and let them know my availability. Also didn't hear from my boss, don't quite know what to think about that, other than I know how crazy her schedule can be.

So, back to conjuring up a W-2.

The boy

2010-09-06T21:07:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I promised a post about the boy. See how far I can get without bursting into tears. Hopefully I've cried myself out on this one. If not...

The tears are of joy, not of sadness. Joy because somewhere along the line he figured out that I had feelings for him. Joy because he continued to treat me as a sister even after he figured it out. And most of all, joy because he's still willing to be friends.

Most of last week is still a blur. I was working 12-15 hour days trying to pull together all I know about software licensing into a form the boy and the cell phone guy could use and remember. I used my Livescribe pen to record as much as I could, thinking at the time that when I watched him walk away on Friday that I would not see him again.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday with him, either in meetings or one on one. He's very process driven, how does this flow from one thing to the next? Not everything I was doing was logical in his eyes. A lot of what I was doing screamed for automation, so his head was going a mile a minute on how to create a properly laid out and normalized Access database, then tie SCCM and PeopleSoft or Oracle into the database. He'd jump ahead of me, asking questions that were three or four operations ahead of where we were at.

He was a lot more open last week. More willing to talk, let me poke fun at him, physically let me touch him, poke him in the belly when he said he wasn't a marshmallow. I mentioned to him one of the gals I've been working with is going to cooking school, which set him off on a 10 minute spiel about how he likes to cook, how he tweaks recipes, cooks on weekend mornings.

All last week I've been pulling together a gift for him, the cell phone guy and the project manager. I think I mentioned a couple weeks ago about finding Alison Armstrong and her work after studying men for 20 years.

For the cell phone guy, I included the Radical Forgiveness audio. He's still got a huge chip on his shoulder from his father abandoning him and from the kids he grew up with calling him a bastard. He's getting high blood pressure and migraines, I suspect because of the unresolved anger that still comes through.
For the project manager, I gave her an audio book of some of Alison's work. She's raising four boys and one girl, plus her husband. Hopefully it will help her understand her boys better and help her daughter when she's old enough to understand.

For the boy, I gave him everything. A copy of Radical Forgiveness, if not for himself for what his oldest daughter will have to endure as a single mom. All of Alison's work, from the Conversations that introduced me to her work, to The Amazing Development of Men, Keys to the Kingdom, Understanding Women and Celebrating Partnership. I also gave him Celestine back.

As I walked him out - I still had a lot to do before I could go home Friday night - I was in a fear-full place. I was sure at the time that when I watched him walk away it would be the last time I would ever see him. I wasn't hearing much of what he was saying.
I did hear something about there being someone else in the cities that looks much like him with the same interests and personality.

He needed yet another shot of caffeine and a snack for the ride home, so we walked over to the last vending machines before you walk out of the building. I did manage to get out that he had been a blessing to me, and that the biggest reason he's been a blessing is that I knew he had my back. By this time I was in tears, and when I said it, the next thing I knew he'd pulled me into a hug and didn't let go until I did.
He told me he was only an email or a phone call away. Something about hope being for laying around on the couch at night, the next morning you get up and do. And that there was someone out there waiting for me.

That was when I finally had the a-ha that he knew. For how long I don't know, but somehow he knew I cared about him and was still willing to be friends with me. Willing to be a reference for me. Willing to continue our martial arts conversations by email - at his home email address. Willing to do lunch if I'm not half way across the cities, and if I am it will just take some more planning to make it happen.

That's why I've been in a state of shock over the last couple days, and bursting into tears when I think about this. Knowing how I feel about him, he's still treated me like a sister and is still willing to stay in contact. There's no words to describe the comfort and safety knowing he still has my back.

Some day I will ask him how and when he knew. What did I do, how did I slip up in my hiding? It will be interesting to find out when it became obvious to him. I need to know so I can better hide my feelings in the future.

He was perfect for me in all but two ways - not quite awake and not legally available. All the rest, the little things like cooking, his height & build, his manners, the way he treated me, the martial arts and motorcycles, etc, etc, etc are all the things I want and need in someone to be my life partner. I'm hoping the next one is the one. A friend that has all the qualities I'm looking for that I can learn to love, respect, trust to have my back and more.

Well done...

2010-09-04T11:00:00.001-05:00

As in brain fried, emotions fried, physically fried well done. I suppose I could say job well done as well.

Yesterday was my last day at the job. I think it's been clear I didn't want to go and the people I was working with didn't want me to go. Contracting rules made the decision for me.

In four and a half days I did my best to hand over what I've been doing for the last 20 months to two of the best men I know: the boy and another guy. The other guy has been working with me since February to help with the data analysis, so he's got an idea of what is going on.

The boy (who will get a post of his own tomorrow or Monday when I don't start crying every time I think about him) has been... willingly and unwillingly... picking up the daily stuff I do. Since he's so process driven, he nitpicked everything I was doing to understand the how and why of it. He got ahead of himself in some ways ('be patient,' I'd tell him, to which he replied 'I don't have patients, I have victims.') Hopefully he understands it and remembers it when he comes back next Wednesday.
He's also going to look at automating this as much as possible. He's got some experience in Access database management, and his wife is an Access whiz who could, for a week or two of work, come in and build a database that could hold all the data long term.

I told both of them to call me with questions, things they need explained, and that I'm willing to come up for refresher courses if they need.

What doesn't help matters any is that the project manager is done next Friday as well. Her contract is up and she's moving to a different project in the company. That leaves the boy essentially in charge. He's got a big mouth and is willing to use it, so we'll see what happens.

The people I talked to this last week were amazed that the VP's and others were not willing to make this happen. They are talking to their bosses (who have some power and pull) to go kick the VP in the butt. It simply comes down to the fact that I saved the company at least $1.4 million in recycled licenses on two applications alone, and who knows how much will be recycled when the analysis is finished on the other four applications.

Meanwhile, I'm tired, physically and emotionally. I put in 12+hour days the last couple weeks, and Thursday and Friday were long.
I've already been in to donate platelets this morning and hit the farmer's market on the way home. I need to go eat lunch so I can go to my martial arts class, then go to Whole Foods for groceries. Then I am coming home to sleep and relax for a a while, put my nose in a book and forget about things.

Maybe then I can pull things together to get on with the rest of my life.

Done waiting

2010-08-30T19:14:00.002-05:00

I've got a lot to do in the next four days.

None of the VP's could see their way clear to pull enough money together to hire me. And there is no word if I will be back after 60 days or not.

I'm not entirely surprised. Just sad that they can't see their way clear at the moment.

Good news is, it takes two men to replace me. The finance director realizes that her cell phone guy can't do it all, so the boy gets to pick up half of my job. I think it will work, actually. Cell phone guy can continue with the analysis part and watch over the email box. The boy has access to the secure AD groups and knows GRS so he can do the RFC's, set up the uninstalls, take care of license transfers for the secure AD groups, stuff like that.

Neither one of them deserve to have this dumped on their laps.

I've set up a meeting tomorrow afternoon for the three of us to sit down and go through my day so we can figure out who does what. The boy wants to flow things out and add headers to my how to's so he knows what to do. He's also got training to do so he can approve the EUSR's.

Lots of overtime from now until Thursday night, and I won't get paid for a cent of it. I'm doing what's right, to leave the boys in the best shape possible. That's all I can do.

Suppose, better get back at it. Asia Pacific finally got us their Acrobat data, so I need to get that in so they can figure out how bad off things are.

Continuing to wait

2010-08-26T18:20:00.001-05:00

I don't know what to think or feel at this point with the job situation.

Here's the latest. Yesterday I was asked to put together a detailed list of what I do and how long it takes me to do my job. I mind mapped it all out and the project manager took it to the finance director. Finance director then realized that she can't add another full time job to her cell phone guy that's been helping us out. She wants to see ITAM continue in some form, as does a higher VP. So the finance director asked the project manager for more numbers to take to the higher VP and his council on Monday morning.

There are three options.
1. Hire me at a full time equivalent so I can keep doing what I'm doing and keep this project alive until such time as the computer system is ready to take on asset management. Even then, there will still be plenty of analysis work to do as more applications come online.
2. Hire a contractor to come in and cover for me for the 60 days I have to be out, then let me come back and keep going until I can be hired under the next fiscal year budget.
3. Pare the entire program back. Reconcile licenses once a quarter and call it good until they get hit with another big audit.

So, let's hope that the higher VP sees the value in continuing this program and will pony up the money to hire me.

Had lunch today with one of the gals I've worked with on and off. She's on the accounts team and has helped me with setting up stuff in the GRS system. We talked about the job situation and what she has seen. We also talked about men. I gave her a copy of Keys to the Kingdom and the Conversations. I think she will learn a lot and be able to use the information with the two men that she has feelings for. In return, since she's going to school to become a personal chef, she'll make me dinner some time.

I did tell her about the boy. She understands the attachment. She also agrees that I need to tell him what a blessing he's been in my life. He's going to get copies of several things - all audio since he doesn't have time to read other than his college textbooks (which I've dangled PhotoReading in front of him to help with.)

His situation has taken a turn. His wife was going to turn in her resignation today. She was a database admin at a local grocery chain corporate office. Things are just as crazy there as they are at our workplace, so it was a matter of who reached the breaking point first. They can make it on just one of their salaries, but to be comfortable both need to be working. Plus they both traded vehicles about a month ago - she traded her Mustang for a Cube and he ditched the Focus for a blue HHR.

So, a third weekend of waiting, hoping, wondering. In between all the work I need to do I guess I need to do some more forgiveness worksheets and move some stuff.

Still waiting

2010-08-21T09:41:00.002-05:00

Still waiting to find out the final answer as to what is going on.

Had to wait until Wednesday to find out the meeting with the VP went poorly. My boss is about ready to strangle the VP because he was such an idiot from the start of the meeting. He said no money, no program for now, and funding for ITAM is sketchy even at the start of the next fiscal year - next May.

We have one more chance to keep this program going. The finance director realizes that if we shut this down now, its not a good thing. The finance director has pull with the VP that is directly under the CIO, and above the other VP that said no.
We can self fund this program by charging back for the licenses that were bulk purchased in June 2009. That would give us about $750k to fund the program. That could pay for the program for a couple years. Even if we only charge back for part of the licenses, it funds this - specifically me - until next fiscal year when I can be added to the budget as an FTE.

Emotionally it's been a wild week for me. I've been swinging between grieving, being angry, sad, in tears. Ugh.

Went to see Dr. Rory to get my body worked on. His thing last night was attachment. I'm so attached to the outcome of this. Hello? Tell me how to NOT be attached to this. Help me figure out how to de-tach from this.

I get it consciously that my biggest lesson in this whole mess is how to not be attached to the outcome. What I have yet to find is the method, the HOW of not being attached. For all that I have read and done and worked through, I have yet to hear or read an explanation of the mechanics of not being attached that is understandable.

Add to this my skull being out of correct shape, so I've been dealing with headaches. And not sleeping well. Some of that has to do with the cortisone levels in my body being out of whack, so even if I go to bed at 9:30, I'm not falling asleep until 10-10:30, then waking up at 2:30-3.

Two things to try and fix that. Rory recommended a different sleep aid, so I tried that last night. Fell asleep around 10:30, slept straight through until 5:45, then dozed until 6:15. So I'll try that for a while. The other thing is I'm getting my hands on a Brookstone anti-snore pillow.

I know I snore. Both parents had sleep apnea which didn't help their lives any. I've wanted to try this pillow for a while, but haven't been able to find it locally. One showed up in the Classified Ads the company I work for does every Friday. I was the first one to email about it, so I'll pick it up on Monday.

I've got a lot to do this weekend. I need to work, as there was too much I couldn't get done during the week with all the interruptions and not being able to concentrate. Do what I can in the next 10 days, then hope I have several more years to get done what needs to be done.

Waiting...

2010-08-15T17:37:00.001-05:00

Waiting... biding my time. I'll find out late tomorrow afternoon whether the VP says yes to hiring me.

Meanwhile, work on what I can. Do a few forgiveness worksheets. Listen to the audio book of Radical Forgiveness I picked up today. Read through Radical Manifestation, see what I can do there.

Whatever happens, I will be fine in the long term. Short term I may be crabby and pissy and missing the boy.

Thinking of him - he's one of the first I want and need to do a forgiveness worksheet on. Forgive him for not being able to love me like I want and need him to. Be grateful he even considers me a friend. I suspect he will be a gateway into many things that I need to forgive and let go of. Start with the easy one and move into the harder stuff.

Finally got word on when my windows will be installed. Right now they are scheduled for September 6 & 7. Somehow I don't think they will start the install on Labor Day. I'm grateful for windows that are solid, rain right, have working weather stripping. I will have to figure something out with the window in my office. Right now I have Gallery Glass on it - fake stained glass that's plastic. I'm not even sure Gallery Glass is still made. If it is, I'll probably do a new design that lets light in and keeps the nosy neighbors out.

Then there's the garage door. I was leaving for my platelet donation and the garage door wouldn't go down. Took at bit of a look at it and the rollers are jumping the tracks. Get home after the donation to take a really close look at it. The door is bowed out, the track on the right is bowed to the right, so the whole door is tilted and unusable. I've got it closed as far as I can go - getting the bike out will be a pain. I already put in an email to the association to get it fixed, see what happens.

One door closes, another opens?

Challenges

2010-08-10T19:55:00.001-05:00

Challenges... It's a word the boy is not fond of (understatement), but it describes where I'm at for this moment.

The people in charge of keeping track of contractors like me are telling my boss I've reached my two years as of August 27 and will not allow her to extend me beyond that date. Doesn't matter that losing me now would be one of the biggest disasters for the program, I'm at two years and need to take a 60 day break.

The only way around it is to get me hired. The VP that my boss needs to talk to isn't back in the office until Monday, so she needs to get on his schedule. She needs to convince him that in order to continue taking IT asset management forward and bring this company into the 21st century they need two people hired now. If she goes after two and gets one, it's me. If she gets both, yeah, we get more accomplished.

My boss has talked to this VP previously about setting up ITAM and funding it. He bought into the idea and approved it at the beginning of the fiscal year. We were waiting on the finance director to get over her need for details and approve it as well to go forward with it. She's been stalling over the last couple weeks.

One obstacle in the path: supposedly IT is $2 million over budget right now. Frankly, IT is going to be even more over budget as Win7 rolls out. Technically, hiring me is not in the budget, even though I've already paid not only for the last 83 weeks of employment, I've paid for a couple years worth. What I'm doing ties right in to bringing Win7 in, locking down the environment, locking down what applications are used, keeping the software companies off our case by being properly licensed from the get-go.

Another obstacle is me. Taking the Gamma class reminded me that I have a lot of core beliefs I need to work through. Beliefs about my worthiness, being love-able, abundance, etc.

When I was out and about on Saturday, I picked up Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness. It was a book Dr. Corey and others in the class recommended. Started reading it tonight and am in about 4 chapters. I can see why they so highly recommend it.
The question is, can I work through it fast enough to apply it to this situation? Can I bring peace to myself enough to let this job manifest and happen because I do so deserve it and can continue to make a contribution?

My boss wants me to book extra hours the next couple weeks so I can stay until September 3. That gives me time to pull things together in case we can get another temp in to cover for me until I can come back the end of October.

I am eligible for unemployment this time. It's been over two years since the other job fiasco, so that's cool. I'm looking at getting my writing business up and running to supplement the income as well.

I have faith that this will work out. Somehow, some way, this will work out.

The only question is, do I tell the boy or not? Maybe leave him a letter with instructions to not open it until Christmas - by then we'll know for sure. I feel like I need to let him know the blessings and lessons I've learned from him, with him, the gifts he's unknowingly given me. I've got a couple weeks - and with a little luck that's a letter I won't have to write at all.

Where'd July go?

2010-08-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

Aack, August already?

I would say, where do the days go, it's the perception of the passing of time that's the real issue.

What have I been up to? Took another Gamma class this weekend from Dr. Corey Sondrup. This is a repeat of the one I took back in February. This time I just listened, soaked it all in.

Work continues. Had a few wrenches thrown in the works. One of the guys hired put in his two week notice - he got hired full time somewhere else. I'm disappointed but not surprised. Another has been pulled off the licensing project to work on other things so it's down to me and the first gal we hired. She's not the brightest bulb - I need to be very specific with how I want things done, then she will do them correctly. Left to her own devices, the data is a disaster.

To add to the mess, the finance person that is the driving force behind this is now stalling on actually hiring anyone, including me, to make this a permanent thing. I've already shown that in the year and a half I've been working on Project and Visio I've recycled over $1.5 million in licenses, not including what we'll do for Acrobat and other software.

I've got 4 1/2 months left before I'm at 2 years. Technically at 2 years you need to take a 60 day sabbatical, then you can come back. I'm eligible for unemployment at that point, but still...

I need to pull some ideas together for manifesting. I need to manifest the finance person letting go of her (and whoever else is behind it) stalling, buy into the fact that the company needs to do IT asset management and go forward with hiring me. We also need an engineer and I think my boy would be perfect for it. He's done this before and knows what needs to be done. He and I work well together, even if we're butting heads.

Got together with the family the 24th. Met at Bryant Lake Park in Eden Prairie, grilled, had a good time. From there I went to a high school friend's house. Hadn't seen her in at least 8-9 years. She's married and has a 3 year old little boy.

Been going for walks after work. I'm thinking I need to move my walks to the early morning. It's 85 outside with a heat index over 92 degrees and will be worse tomorrow and Wednesday. If I go to bed early tonight, then getting up at 4 to walk won't be so bad. And a whole lot cooler. Walk, shower, then meditate. I think that works.

Get to talk to the boy on occasion. We played tag on the road in one morning, and walked in together. Went for a walk when I got the news the one guy was leaving, and another when word came that hiring me is on hold.
Today he had on a light orange polo. First thing I thought of when I saw him was sherbert, then that he looked like a giant dreamsicle. Delicious, yes, but light orange just doesn't work on him. I'm presuming that's one his wife picked out - bad choice. If he picked it out, then he fully deserves any ribbing he gets about it.

That's things in a nutshell.

Weather woes

2010-07-17T21:36:00.001-05:00

Ugh, I am not fond of bad weather, and we are in the middle of ongoing severe weather. It started this afternoon and we have warnings going for at least another two hours tonight. There have already been several tornados on the ground, along with lots of straight line winds.

This line is moving at 55 mph, so it's moving out quickly. Still, it's enough to rattle me.

---
Changes in supplements may not be helping me. I sat down with Bristlecone on Thursday to go over my test results. The results were not good. My hormones are seriously out of whack - estrogen is really high, putting me at risk of ovarian cancer. My cortisol is low, which means my adrenal glands are in exhaustion, which could move to burnout and a very shortened life. My thyroid is putting out reverse T3, so I'm not able to use the T4 I'm putting out. I'm also low in bone marrow iron.

All together, I'm adding about ten more supplements to the ten or so already on my list. Things like ferrochel iron, vitamin C, and betaine HCL for the iron shortage; raw thyroid and GTA to balance thyroid; Isocort to supplement the cortisol; progesterone cream to balance the estrogen overload; flaxseed oil caps and high EPA fish oil to boost Omega-3 levels and help take down the inflammation and reduce the risk of heart disease. They may also want me to add metformin to help keep the glucose levels down. I can do that through diet and more exercise.

I had to create a schedule of what to take when. It's a complex schedule, with different things at six different times of the day. Throw in the progesterone cream twice a day on days 12 to the end of my cycle and... ugh. Short term chaos to provide long term gains. Get things straightened out now so I can have a long life. Be around to spoil 'my' kid's grandkids.

Gaining (losing?) ground

2010-07-11T17:57:00.001-05:00

I just realized, after doing some formulas in my weight loss tracking spreadsheet, that I have let go of 26.8 pounds of weight since February when I started tracking.

That is just under 10% of my starting weight I've let go. It's almost all fat - my muscle mass has fluxed about a pound either side of 90 pounds the whole time. If I can keep this muscle mass as I continue to let go of the fat, I'll be right where I want to be when I'm at my goal weight of 175 - and I may be able to go higher than that.

I tweaked my spreadsheet because of something Dr. Rory said Friday night. He asked me if I'd really thought about about what my weight loss means to me, how it really impacts me. When he asked me, I hadn't thought about it. What does letting go of the weight mean to me?

Letting go of the past. Letting go of the toxins that have been stuffed in my body, mentally, physically and emotionally. Letting go of the things I've let hold me back in the past.

What am I gaining? My physical health. I'm physically stronger, have more endurance and cardiovascular health. My acne is pretty much gone. I'm more interested in being active, in trying new things, or in the case of martial arts, going back to something I've been interested in for a long time. I'm also gaining some confidence as well.

Long term, what does that mean for me? As I continue to let go of the fat and gain strength and confidence, almost anything is possible. I re-gain some control over my life, even if it's just an illusion. An illusion can be as real as I want it to be.

One of my first goals on letting the fat go was to hit 250. That is easily within sight now, just a couple of weeks away. I'm better understanding what I need to do to let go of the body fat. Part of it has been following what Bristolcone set up for eating patterns and food. Another part is learning more about the Primal/paleo lifestyle, which is based on the work of Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories. (High protien and high fat, low carb diet like our primitive ancestors ate.)

The next part is to get back to more primal exercise. I've been reading Mark's Daily Apple, the website tied to The Primal Blueprint. The more I read, the more it makes sense to me. The food choices are right in line with what I'm doing through Bristolcone. The exercises get back to the basics, like bodyweight exercise (squats, lunges, pull-ups, push-ups, jumping jacks). So, time for me to do the same.

I've taken the last two weeks off from lifting. One of the last self defense classes left me with bruised knees, so I took the week off to heal. Then I took another week off to see if I could let go of weight without doing any exercise. Didn't let go of any weight the first week, did the second. Now to add in the bodyweight exercises and see what happens.

Listen to my body. Eat when I'm hungry - truly hungry, drink when I'm dry, sprint when I feel like it, lift heavy when I want to, take a nice walk daily otherwise. This is something I can do for the rest of my life.

Now, my body is hungry, so I'm gonna go make some supper.

Well...

2010-07-03T16:44:00.002-05:00

Don't quite know where to start. Actually, I do, just where to go with it.

Thursday morning the boy asked me to be a reference for him. He's fed up with the BS enough that if he doesn't get the answers he wants in the next month he's going to start looking for another job.

My heart crashed through the floor when he asked. I told him I don't want him to leave, and he answered that he doesn't want to leave, either. He's reached his limit - he's in the numb, doesn't care, yet the clarity is starting to come in. He's starting to wake up and realize there is so much more to this world.

Professionally, I don't want him to leave. He's still got way more to contribute, not only to the SCCM team but to licensing and ITAM as well. He's been through this before at other companies he's worked for, and he's got a lot of good ideas on where to take things. He's even willing to take a couple days to write a couple scripts for me so I can take care of putting people into and out of the uninstall collections.

I also know he has my back. He's helped me deal with the idiots we're working with, and the jokes about what to do with all the dead bodies we plan on leaving behind has been good stress relief.

Personally... beyond the broken heart and not being able to see him on a regular basis, I'd miss our chats. Motorcycles, the idiots we work with, martial arts, his kids and grandson, his sarcasm and wit. His gorgeous body and face (hey, I'm human, deal!)

I asked him what he wants, how does he want the situation to turn out? At that point he wasn't real sure. I'll keep poking him on that until he does get a clear picture, so then I can focus on it as well.

For now, I'll send him my info so he has it for references. I'll also be asking the universe for an outcome where I get to keep him in my life and he's happy with whatever outcome happens.
---
For some people, this is a three day weekend, given it's the Fourth of July tomorrow. For me, I gotta work. However, I've taken some steps to start being able to comfortably work at home. I hit MicroCenter this morning to buy two-20" monitors and some other goodies to set up my work desk here at home. Now I need to go clean off said desk, set up the monitors, dock, keyboard and other stuff so I can actually get some work done.

I've got a boatload of stuff I need to do. Most days last week I was almost constantly being interrupted by people coming to my desk, phone calls, IM's, one crisis after another. Put one fire out, another flares up. I've got some stuff I need to have done by Tuesday night, but several other things have to be done before I can compile that data. Set up the desk tonight, maybe put in a few hours. I may work all day tomorrow and part of Monday, see how much I can get done.

If I get a lot done, one of the things I may do when I get hired is ask for the ability to work from home at least one day every other week, maybe even every week. Be available by IM only, if you call me it damn well better be an emergency that only I can deal with.
---

Otherwise... Chael is home and running very well. It's a relief to not have to worry about the chain and sprockets. The new Iso grips are helping. Not so much of the vibration comes through to my hands. Now I just need to get the throttle lock put on so I can rest my right hand once in a while.

Another week

2010-06-27T19:35:00.001-05:00

Another week gone by. Yikes.

What have I been up to? Well, I'm writing this on my new iPad. Yes, I have invested in a 64 gig wi-fi iPad. I'd been thinking about getting a Nook, but it didn't make sense to me to spend $260 when for a bit more I could get the iPad that can do so much more. So yes, iPad it is.

I've ordered a hard case for it. I know my life, I need a hard aluminum case to protect it. I look at my work laptop and it's all scratched up from being in my backpack. I don't want that to happen to my new baby. There's another case I'm looking at for when I'm at work going between meetings. That one won't be ready until mid to late July, so I'll wait on ordering that one.

The weight loss with the Bristlecone Biology of Burn is working. I dropped 8.6 pounds the first week, gained back 2 the second, then dropped 6.6 pounds this week. I probably would have dropped more this week, but I had a co-workers wedding reception and dance last night. Between a glass of merlot and some chocolate, I had a bit of a carb hangover this morning.

What's a carb hangover? Well, when you've gone high protein, high fat, very low carb, especially no sugar your body gets into a certain groove and moved towards using body fat to provide glucose for the brain's needs. You add in sugar and alcohol and the body goes back to it's glucose mechanism. Not a good thing. It's as bad as a full on alcohol hangover. And like an alcohol hangover, a bit of sugar helps take the headache away.

Rhubarb. I love rhubarb. One of the vendors at the farmers market yesterday had organic rhubarb for $3 a pound, so I picked up 3 pounds. While I was baking the bacon, sausage and pork chops for the week, I chopped up the rhubarb and set it to simmering down. I added only a half cup of sugar, just enough to take a bit of the tartness out. YUM! I've been eating it straight out of the pan. It would be even better with ice cream or some heavy cream.

Chael is in the shop getting fixed. I wrestled him onto a trailer yesterday and got him up to the shop in Fridley. They took him off the trailer, I handed off the Kuryakan Iso grips and flew the trailer back to the rental place. They were supposed to put the new chain and sprocket, as well as the grips, on him yesterday. I'll pick him up on Tuesday, provided the boy can give me a ride.

Haven't said much about the boy lately. He's been up to his eyeballs in his own stuff trying to get the new Reader pushed out and the patches for the older stuff. He hasn't been able to do my RFC's to get the uninstalls done. That's OK, I knew that would be the case. What's been funny is how the SCCM team lead is dealing with it. There's one guy that's just a slacker - compared to the boy who has closed over 400 tickets, this guy has only closed 100 since last September. This guy now has to pick up the slack for not only the boy but the co-worker who got married, as she's out until July 6 and then may be gone for 60 days cause she's at her 2 years being a contractor.

See how things go. I suspect the SCCM team lead found out how hard the boy's job can be on Friday when they were trying to figure out how to put together an uninstall collection.

No plans for next weekend, being 4th of July. Haven't been invited anywhere, so I may just take a day ride on Chael. I've been itching to go hit some of the county parks and lakes that aren't too far out of the cities. I know I'll need to work during the weekend if I want to take Monday off, so I'll have to go see about getting a new monitor or two. LCD this time, no CRT's for this kid. One thing at a time.

I suppose. Need to go take the rhubarb off the stove, get it in the fridge. Take a few more bites before I put it away ;-).

Luck...

2010-06-16T19:41:00.002-05:00

Some days I don't realize how incredibly lucky I am.

Case in point: Chael. I've been hearing some noise from him since sometime last summer. I asked the place where I stored it at to take a look at it over the winter. They didn't, and the noise continued. I called today and told them I would be willing to pay for a mechanic to take him for a test run. Bring him in, they said.

Got over there, the mechanic took him for a run. He comes back after the run... The chain is so loose that it's hitting the engine - that's the noise I've been hearing. The links are so weak after the chain stretched that it's a wonder the chain didn't break and take out the engine.

Now to ride home after hearing that? I called on every angel, arch angel and spirit guide I have favors with to get us home safely, which we did. Chael is getting trailered back up there next Saturday.

We ordered a new chain and sprocket while I was there. It will take at least 5 business days for those to come in, so next Saturday will work out fine. They will also put the new Kuryakyn grips that I ordered. They can't put on the throttle lock due to liability issues. Still, the grips will be nice to get done professionally.

More luck than sense... Not always true, but this time... yes. And I am very grateful for it.

Mid June already?

2010-06-13T11:22:00.002-05:00

The older I get, the faster the days go by. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

The good news is that the BOB (biology of burning) diet is working. I've let go of 8.5 pounds from Monday morning to this morning. This week hasn't been the easiest. I haven't been totally craving sugar, although last night would have been very easy to give in to some chocolate or wine.

It's an addiction to sugar. What I'm finding is to not resist it - what you resist persists. It's moreso acknowledging that my body is expecting sugar, wants its desires fulfilled. I understand that and I consciously chose to not fulfill that short term desire in favor of the longer term goal.

Did cheat twice this week. My body was craving milk on Friday, so I gave in and had a glass of 2% milk with lunch. I also had two chocolate disks that I get from Whole Foods - they didn't taste that great. The milk I wasn't worried about - it has enough protein and fat to balance the carbs, and it kept me from being hungry three hours later.

Now that I know this glucagon thing is working - the longer I go between meals the more glucagon can be produced - I can deal with the hunger pangs. Short term vs long term.

Thinking of short term vs long term.... The question came up from the PM this week as to whether I'm going to stay or not. It's been rolling around in the back of my head, but I really hadn't made a decision until it came out of my mouth. I said yes to staying.

No word on when I'll become an employee. The PM and my boss are still trying to work through a budget and anticipate costs on things they know nothing about. They are trying to do that in the middle of my boss trying to get Windows 7 up and running.

Lots of things will be fast tracked in the next couple months. Looks like I'll be in the middle of it.

May I have another, please?

2010-06-04T11:32:00.002-05:00

The old saw goes that God/Universe only gives you what you can handle. Some days I wonder about that.

On top of the shenanigans of last week, I got word Monday that I had another funeral to attend this week. An uncle on my dad's side died Monday morning. The funeral was yesterday.

I haven't had much to do with dad's side of the family. There was one Christmas where the clan was at my parents house and I was pretty much completely ignored by all the cousins. That was the end of my associating with them on a regular basis.

Because of that, they were really surprised when I did show up yesterday. No one was expecting me to be there. Talked to the guy that rents my farmland. His daughter is about to give birth to twins next week - first grandchildren and the first I'd heard of it. The family about dropped their jaws when they saw I was there.

After the funeral I went back to the house to chat with the family. Discovered that one of the people I work with is a sister-in-law to my cousin's wife. That will be an interesting conversation.
We talked about the various memories of those who have gone before now. Stories of helping others move, the various sayings, things like that. All the things that made them unique.

As a side note, I went for a walk with the boy Wednesday to talk about the work situation. I wanted his perspective since he's dealt with the PM, he knows our boss and he knows me. I told him about getting hit not only with the PM, but the lockout, the health stuff and then the funeral. He mentioned something about grief.

Here's the catch - I'm not grieving for this uncle or the aunt that died a month ago. They weren't a daily part of my life. I would grieve more for the loss of the boy were he to do something stupid and lose his life than I will for any of my blood family. My created family I will grieve for when their time comes. They have had more impact on my life, shown me what family could be like, and are people I actually care about.

All that may change as I work through letting go of the weight and changing the hormones. More layers to surface, things to deal with.
---
The financial issues will soon be taken care of. The credit union had no problem extending my loan, didn't blink at the request. I've got a call into the association's lawyer to find out how much the payoff to them will be. Then I can get the new windows ordered, pay for the siding, and get them completely out of my hair. Get the other bills paid off and I can breathe a bit easier.

The health issues are already starting to turn. I decided in prelude to starting the BOB diet that I would cut back to three meals a day this week, trying to go at least 5-6 hours between. The idea is to give the glucagon a chance to really burn up the fat.

It's also been a test to see if I can stay away from the sugar and simple carbs to blunt coming off the sugar addiction. So far, so good. Yesterday was a challenge with the off schedule for the funeral. I won't be back on a normal schedule until Monday. That starts the broth fast for two days, then starting the BOB plan.

Now, if there were just enough bandwidth to get the VPN up and running...

Inquire within, indeed

2010-05-30T10:36:00.002-05:00

It's been a week of rude wake up calls for me.

Thursday the project manager for the IT asset management team called me into a private meeting. The VP that fubar'd the Vista project has green lighted and fast tracked moving ITAM into it's own sub-department of my boss's department. They want to hire 4-5 people and have it running by the end of July.

The PM and I, however, have had some issues. She sees me as having a chip on my shoulder and that I'm withholding information. To me, she's coming off like the boss from my last job, setting me up for failure. She says she wants me to be the data analyst on the team, since I've been doing it for a year and a half and know what's going on. That is, if I'm willing to open up and essentially do things her way, to follow command structure.

I'm at a choice point. Do I want to continue working this job? I like the company, the ideals, and most of the team I work with. The boy also helps.

The biggest question is, do I want to work through what is causing me to hold back info, or do I want to leave and start over again?

I finally snagged some time with my boss Friday afternoon. We talked for 2 hours about what's going on, what's causing me to hold back info, that I don't trust the PM to do the right thing. A lot of this comes down to trusting management to do the right thing, to know what they are doing. I also need to trust myself to question them when things don't seem right.

Called P Thursday night. Interesting issues with the phones caused some issues at first. (Hmm... communication issues with land lines...) Finally connected on a clear line and talked out what's going on. Mirrors and shadows. The PM and I are reflecting to each other things we need to work on in ourselves. In my case, I'm the one sabotaging myself by consciously holding back info. I'm aware of it now, and of how she pokes my buttons. How do I make her aware of this concept and work through it?

Friday night I get home and I can't get into the garage. The association locked me out because I'm behind on my association dues. So my motorcycle is sitting outside right now. I'm going to leave a note on the door to see if the guy I share the garage with will at least give me my motorcycle cover so I don't have to go buy a new one. It's supposed to rain this afternoon and a couple days this week. Last thing I want is Chael wet if I can avoid it.

Then I get a letter from the association about the siding project. They have managed to knock down the pricing on the siding to a more reasonable level. But they need the money by July 1. If I want new windows and patio door, that money has to be in by June 11.

Given those dollar amounts and what I owe in association dues, I'm going to see if I can get a loan on my land to pay for all this and a couple other things. I have a couple medical bills from last summer and Chael needs some work. The land is worth more than 30 times the loan I would be asking for. I think my credit union at home will let me do that, then roll it into the other loan I have on the land when that one comes due for a balloon payment.

The last rude awakening was yesterday morning. I went to Bristlecone yesterday morning for the Bundle testing. Given my family history and my own history of being overweight, I've been insulin resistant for years. I'm at a much higher risk of cancer, etc, than I thought.

My hormones are way out of whack. We'll find out just how out of whack with a few tests. The bundle isn't cheap. With the additional testing I need, I'm looking at over $900 to start. Ouch. My health and longevity are worth the expense now.

Thing is, I'm addicted to sugar. And sugar withdrawl can be just as bad as coming off caffeine, nicotine and hard drugs. This will be going on at the same time the PM is trying to decide if I'm hired or not.

I've weathered other storms, I can get through this one.

Ch ch ch changes...

2010-05-23T10:56:00.001-05:00

Lots of changes going on.

The last aunt on my mom's side died two weeks ago, and her funeral was on the 14th. Went to the funeral, caught up with the cousins that came. For all of us, we're now the oldest generation. We're the grandparents (and great aunts), the ones the kids look up to. The ones that hold the family together.

When I mentioned that to the cousins, it was a shocking realization to them. We are now Grandma Beck. My oldest brother is now the oldest cousin at 68. It may be another 10 to 20 years before this generation starts dying off. Still... It's a shift I'm not sure any of us were ready to make.

I'm the only one out of the 13 of us that doesn't have kids. I'm the youngest by 12 years. I was also the first to lose both parents.

It's an adjustment.

Add to that for me personally trying to let go of the boy. It's been a conscious thing on my part. I'm making the effort to not look at his schedule every day, or to keep track of him via IM, or to look at his desk when I make a trip to the rest room. I've only stopped by his cube twice this week to talk, both business related. The second one did turn into a discussion about martial arts and weight lifting. It was Friday afternoon at 4 so I wasn't too concerned.

It's hard. Something is eating at him. When I talked to him on Wednesday, he admitted he was deflated, and his body and energy showed it. I wonder how much of it has to do with what's going on at home. He's not driving his Focus, he's been driving the Blazer, so I'm wondering if he sold the Focus. I'm also wondering if he sold his motorcycle, because I haven't seen it when I've ridden. I can tell the days he rides because he wears a specific pair of boots, rather than his tennies.

He also admitted he needed some alone time. He said he was about ready to tell the wife to pack up the kids and go see Grandma so he could get some work done. Given there are seven people in the house, there can't be much alone time other than when he's staring at the inside of his eyelids. I ran across a meditation I'm going to make a copy of for him about alone time, encourage him to start scheduling some time by themselves.

He also gave me back the copy of Celestine I'd given him. Actually, he put it on my desk the Friday I was out at the funeral. So I wrote a note, tucked it in the book and put it back on his desk when he was out Thursday. When I talked to him Friday, he gave it back saying he was cleaning up his desk in preparation for doing remote workplace. He had already taken some stuff home, and was taking more home that night.
His reason for giving it back was that he just doesn't have time to read it now, given his college homework, trying to finish up his degree, and all the stuff going on at home. He said he will ask for it back when he has time to read.

The other adjustment in my life is realizing how insulin resistant my body has become. When I kicked over to the body builders diet, I told the trainer that the carbs were too high, and it turns out I was right. The amount of carbs has driven my body into insulin resistance. No wonder I stopped losing weight.

Now that I've had that aha, I've moved back to my high protein, very low carb diet. I've moved back to six meals a day and will work back to five. I've also changed my workouts to three days lifting/cardio/stretching and two days cardio/stretching. I gained almost a pound and a half of muscle this week. I've also noticed I'm not so moody or down.

I'm looking at a couple of online places that have supplements to help change the insulin resistance and get my hormones back into balance so I can let go of the weight, get my adrenals straightened out and stop the periomenopause symptoms. There's a place locally called Bristlecone Fitness that has success turning back pre-diabetic clients. It's not cheap - P said her bundle was $800. I just don't have that at the moment since I'm not allowed to do more than 5 hours of overtime a week. I've emailed them to see if they would let me do some payments ahead, then do the testing and their BOB diet. See what they say. If they are willing to work with me, I'm willing to do it.

Yeah...

2010-05-09T14:12:00.002-05:00

What's been happening this week? A near meltdown on Friday resulting in a trip to Dr. Rory.

There is a lot of energetic shifting going on in the universe right now. Given that I'm a kinesthetic empath, I pick up on that and it amplifies what's going on in my own body. Whatever is out of whack get cranked up to a 20 on a 10 scale.

I started noticing it Wednesday night. I was doing dishes and was just stuck and in tears. Got through Thursday, but again Thursday night I was in and out of tears and ended up crying myself to sleep. Friday morning I was an utter disaster, in and out of tears on the way to work, in tears several times at my desk. Had a couple of encounters with the boy that were tense at best, bordering on when we were bickering in early March. I called to see if I could get in to see either Dr. Rory or Dr. Mike, Rory was open at 3 so I took the appointment. While I was working I made a list of all the stuff that was bugging me: an emotional wreck, the depression was overwhelming me, I'd been up several times with nightmares, gained and lost the same pound for six weeks, etc.

Rory read the list and said what a breakthrough. I'm looking at him, what are you talking about? The shadow, the ego is trying to squash the joy in our lives. I was so caught up in the pain that I couldn't see anything outside of it. Rory shifted the energy for me, reminded me about what I needed to know, being flexible and flowing. He suggested a glass of red wine when I got home and to just relax and be this weekend.

So that's what I've done. Cracked open a bottle of Bella Sera 2007 merlot - nice and smooth right out of the bottle. Sat down with a glass and some chocolate and watched TV Friday night. Yesterday I went to self defense class, came home and watched Avatar - The Last Airbender cartoon. Then I went to Best Buy to spend the $30 in gift cards I got for filling out a survey, picked up two martial arts DVD's that have six movies on each. Don't know if they are any good, but something to watch and pick up moves from.

The whole martial arts and eastern ways are coming back into my life again. During class things started to make sense yesterday. I could see the applications for what Eric was teaching us. I didn't have to think about it, the movements just fit.
I want to sit down yet today and make some notes on the various things Eric has been teaching us. The 12 elbows, the handwashing variations, the footwork. Start a list to practice on Monday and Friday nights when the floor is open in the wellness center and things to work on here at home.

Avatar - The Last Airbender is something the boy turned me on to. He and his 10 year old daughter have been watching it and are waiting for the movie to come out in July. I've been looking for it on Nickelodean, not realizing the cable company had a second Nick station. That's where I found it Friday night. I watched an hour yesterday morning, then caught three eps in the afternoon. Caught two more this morning, another three are on in a half hour.
I'll get the lessons I need from them.

Tabby and AB are doing OK. Tabby is starting to loosen up. She will now come out and eat when I'm home. She'll even come so far as to duck under the desk behind my recliner and watch me from there at night.

I'm starting to wonder if she's partially deaf, given her blue eyes. I say that because there have been a couple times in the middle of the night where I've walked into the bathroom, she's been using the litter box and I've completely spooked her. I've also been in the kitchen working away, she come out to eat and didn't hear me walking right up behind her or making noise to get her attention. That might explain why it's taken her so long to warm up - if she can't hear, or hears very little, she's constantly on guard.

I do need to catch her, soon. I haven't clipped her toenails in a while. I know how long they were when I brought her home, so I suspect they need clipping. One thing at a time.

Starting over

2010-05-02T17:26:00.002-05:00

Some days I'm wondering if I should just scrap everything and start over again.

Today was one of those mornings. I've had moments lately where I feel like I'm barely surviving, which means I have no room to thrive. How can I get out of the mess I'm in when I can barely keep my head above water? And why isn't anyone else seeing me floundering?

People don't see me flounder because I'm too good at covering up. If I hide it from myself, no one else sees it either. People around me were clueless when I attempted suicide the second time. No, I'm not there, but it feels close.

I'm missing a lot of the basics. What do people do to get through the day, all the little things and decisions that they do without thinking because it's part of their basic routine. Like re-learning how to live after being in a metaphorical wreck, what are all the things that have to happen to make life work?

I've started an Excel spreadsheet with daily, weekly, monthly, semi-annual, yearly and other to do's. Across the top are the days of the month. I'll leave enough room in the boxes to write in how long I did something or to check it off the list. Highlight the weekends so I know those days I don't have to go to work or I do need to go to my martial arts class.

What's prompting this? I've got a voice mail from a creditor from Wednesday I still haven't picked up. I haven't picked up my mail in 5 weeks. Coming home Friday night I looked at the neighborhood through the boy's eyes instead of my own and realized I live in the slums. My house is a disaster, I haven't cleaned or picked up in months. I've been doing my weight lifting, cardio and eating right and I've been stuck gaining and losing the same pound for 5 weeks.

The other thing that set me off was wondering what I'll say to the boy if he ever figures it out and has the courage to ask. Part of me wants to be honest with him, part of me wants to hide it. We've been honest with each other so far...
There are three things that play into this: what I want, what I need, and what I expect. I want all of him: the lover, the fighter; the domestic, the wild side; the son, brother, father, friend; the vulnerable and strong; stone cold sober and drunk off his ass (he's never been drunk in his life...); calm and full blown rage; athlete and couch potato; teacher and student.
What I need from him, if he ever figures it out, is his patience, kindness and forgiveness. Patience with me to let me work this out of my system, to get the lessons I need from him and move on. Kindness to not notice if I slip, and forgiveness if I hurt or embarrass him.
What I expect... is what I've gotten in the past. To be ignored, told I'm not good enough, told that how could I ever expect someone like him to ever care about someone as ugly and unloveable as I am. I've heard these words exactly or in some variation from just about every male I've ever cared about from my father on. The only men in my life I haven' heard it from are Kyle, John and Jack, Dr. Mike, Dr. Rory and him, so far.

Someone on Facebook posted about Spokeo.com. It's a site that gathers info available from open sources on the web about you. The entry about me was relatively accurate - my astrological sign was wrong, as were a couple minor details. Yes, I looked him and his wife up. Accurate for the most part from what I know, there were some things I questioned.

It also got me thinking if that's the life I want to live. Knowing how much I don't like gardening because it's too much like farm work, would I have the patience and energy to keep up a landscape? Or would I come up with the money to pay someone else to do it? I've never wanted kids of my own - could I deal with his 10 year old daughter, the late teen daughter that's given him his first grandson, and his 22 year old son who still lives at home. Given the deer in the headlights look I get when I bring up energy work or other things that make my heart sing, could I deal with him not being awake enough to understand?

Lots to contemplate.

Gorgeous weather

2010-04-18T17:07:00.002-05:00

Spring is finally here, at least enough to get Chael out of storage and on the road.

I actually got him out of storage a week ago. Talked the boy into picking me up on his way in to work and dropping me off after work. We talked about some of the rides he's done, the weather he's had to deal with.

Most of last week was rainy or windy, so I didn't actually ride again until yesterday. Ran up to the bookstore, cause I just needed something new to read that I haven't already read at least 10 times. Came home with a book on martial arts stretching and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.

Work has calmed down considerably. I put in 12 hours last Sunday trying to get ready for the removal on Wednesday. Late Monday afternoon the removal was postponed because of the soft freeze for the year end.

The company's fiscal year runs May 1-April 30. We have a hard freeze, where nothing can change in IT unless it's an emergency affecting the financial systems - ie a server goes down or something goes haywire. The soft freeze for year end starts three weeks ahead of the hard freeze, where the VP of IT has to approve any changes before they are made. Removing Project and Visio at this point isn't something the VP would sign off on, so we're waiting until after the freeze is done.

That's OK with me. We weren't ready to do the uninstall even with all the overtime I've put in. That buys me some time to get a few things done and caught up.

It also gives me time to test out the new way the project lead wants to do things. I feel like she completely ignored the previous documents I've written up explaining the process of how I did things. She didn't come to ask me about how I did things or why I did them or the reasoning behind it. Now I get to figure out if her way works or not.

I'm pissed and it also feels like I'm being set up to be removed again. My boss has told me my contract is being extended, but I haven't see it come through yet. Some of it could be year end and the lower VP not being in the office to approve the extension. Still, it feels all too familiar to what happened at the last job.

Been nice to have an entire weekend to myself. Didn't quite know what to do with it all. I've done the usual household chores. I've read. I crocheted yesterday while I was waiting for Taez's brakes to be worked on. Back to the copywriting class I suppose, get that going just in case...

Back to the zoo tomorrow. See what happens.

From the Cape

2010-04-04T11:29:00.001-05:00

The last couple days have been insteresting, to say the least.

Friday was a LONG day. Up at 3 am to catch a 6 am flight. Arrived in Boston about 11, got the car and headed for the Cape.

Talk about ants in the pants kids. They were texting back and forth from the time we landed until we arrived in the driveway. T'Sh practically tackle hugged Josh, and they've pretty much been stuck to each other since then.

His aunt MK... Let's just say my dull, boring life seems pretty exciting compared to hers. I have hobbies and do stuff with my life. She watches TV, reads and works. How boring is that?

It also feels like she lives her life in fear. She was surprised to hear I ride motorcycle, even though I'd talked about it on Friday, she really didn't get that I do own a motorcycle and ride until we were coming home from Boston yesterday.

She's really strict about little things that in my mind aren't worth picking fights about. Things like sitting up straight in the back seat on the way to Boston, how he eats, how much he eats. MK made a nervous wreck out of Josh's sister when she dropped a mixing beater on the floor that hit the cabinets and her dress on the way down. MK hasn't learned to pick her battles yet.

She'a not an easy person to warm up to, either. I've been wracking my brain to find topics to talk about. There's just not much there to work with. If I met her in a 'normal' context, she's not someone I'd choose to be friends with. Yet here we are, being cordial and tolerating each other for the sake of our niece and nephew.

Like I told T'Sh on Friday, I'm trying to do for her and the other five the things none of my family did for me. I'm here to listen, to haul her butt out to MA to meet the boy she loves (and has fallen even harder for). I'm also here to pass on what I've learned the hard way, explain the pain of being cheated on, the bio-chemical side of what happens when you have sex and how that effects your feelings and life.

The kids are down on the beach at the moment. T'Sh wanted to build another sand castle and lay out (even though it's windy and cold). I'll wander down in a while with the camera and get some pix of them so I can post them on Facebook for both of them (and post in my cube).

Later we'll head back to MK's for supper. It will need to be an early night, as we need to be on the road by 3 am. It's a 90 minute drive back to Logan and we need to drop off the car before we actually get to the airport and through security.

When we get home, I need to go to the office for a meeting. Show her a bit of cube life, introduce her to my boy. Then we need to head out and meet her mom half way so I can get stuff pulled together for Tuesday.

Other interesting things have happened, but I'll save those for later. Not so much for the kids, but the Universe trying to get some things through to me.

Happy b-day to me

2010-03-27T11:05:00.001-05:00

Another year older. Yeah rah, yippy skippy, yabba dabba do.

No, I am no enthused about this day. It's another of several days during the year I'd just rather forget. Or, if I had a few things from the Harry Potter universe, then I could make it a day I'd want to remember.

Since I don't have access to those things, life goes on.

Got a few things done already this morning. Hit Target, got stuff for the trip. My personal supplies are packed - one thing done. Got the hair cut, stopped at Batteries Plus for a small flashlight that can be used for self defense - it's really bright and the face can be used as a kubaton or to support your fingers if you need to punch someone.
Then off to the grocery store and home. Clothes are sorted, so I'll do those tonight when I get home, along with the cooking.

Tomorrow has to be a work day. After a few really nasty emails to my personal box, the boss FINALLY got the message that the 850+ emails need to be dealt with. That bought us a week, so next week's removals and the Acrobat removals are now pushed back a week while I play catch up.

They boys in the support center know they need to do the EUSR's, and they are even willing to try to help with the email. I may take them up on that.

Amazingly, I've been pretty detached from the chaos. Since I talked with P about things, it doesn't matter. I do the best I can with the hours I have and screw the rest of it. The attitude shift may have something to do with the boy as well.

He's buried almost as deep as I am in the rest of the Microsoft enterprise wide true up. Like he said, he's so far behind he's running to try and catch up with himself. He's not willing to put in the overtime like I am - he's salaried - so it will just have to wait. I warn him when I'm going to be sending large chunks of little things his way so he knows and can work them into his schedule and to-do list.

We did get a bit of time Monday night. Not what I expected, most likely what I needed. That's what seems to happen when I'm trying to draw information out of him. He had several points to make. Don't attack when they aren't in your face. Stay calm when someone grabs your arm - if they pull you towards them, make use of that force to drive your elbow or fist into them. Use your body weight and what's around you.

I may have also found a place to play with my martial arts and self defense. I needed to stop at GNC because my shipment of whey protein is over a week late. As I drove by one of the strip malls in the area, I saw a window front for Crystal Fight Club. Yes, they focus on the MMA stuff, which at this point is a little too hardcore for me. But they offer Judo, which I think would play well into the rest of my self defense instruction.

Depending on the reply I get, I may go check them out. If they are open to having women, I'll offer my other skills like massage, therapeutic coaching, photography and writing.

Still here...

2010-03-21T07:01:00.002-05:00

Another busy week.

Work got a bit more crazy than usual this week with the first of the big removals happening. Lots of chaos and a few unhappy people. Oh well.

My boss took three days off, so she was out of the office when all this happened. Actually, that was OK because it left me feeling calmer while the chaos ensued. I could work as I work best, instead of her trying to tell me what to do with what I feel are incorrect priorities.

Also had a long talk with P Tuesday night as well. That gave me some perspective on the whole details to big picture to what other people are seeing. Most people don't understand the details. I do. That means I need to translate the high points to them and be OK with the fact that they just don't get it. I do, and that's all that really matters.

My temp started on Thursday, which added to the chaos. Got her started on the Acrobat analysis. She can putter with that while I get the help from the Support Center going on processing the EUSR's. That leaves me free to deal with the now 600+ emails and the Europe and AP pushes.

The boy is now a grandpa. His daughter gave birth on Thursday to a healthy baby boy. I found his comments interesting as I ribbed him over IM about being a 'gumpa'. I wrote him that his grandson is going to give him a run for his money, and will be even more of a handful than his oldest two kids. His reply was that for this one he'll be there from the beginning. Hmmm. I suspect that story will come out eventually.

I do get some alone time with him tomorrow night, barring any more issues that arise. I asked him to give me some pointers before I go to Boston, how to handle some situations. He had booked time Friday, that went out the window with the birth. I expect we'll get some time tomorrow night.

Met with an interesting group of people yesterday. Three of us were in the same therapeutic coaching class, the other is a friend of one of the others. We're at a similar point in life, dealing with similar things. We'll get together every couple weeks to talk through things, hold each other accountable, help in between with situations as they arise.

Something I need in my life. Missing that connection, the chance to bounce ideas off someone who gets me at the level I'm at. People who won't give me the 'deer in the headlights' look when I say something because it's not over their head.

Now to go start all the chores I need to do before I go in to work, and workout. Another long day in front of me.

Update

2010-03-14T18:39:00.002-05:00

Another crazy week at work. Too much to do, not enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I put in 60 hours last week and it wasn't enough. My boss put me on a project that took three days. In those three days over 400 emails and almost 300 end user software requests came in. I finally got some help on Friday to get through the EUSR's, which I finished yesterday. I should have spent today going through the email, I just couldn't bring myself to even turn on the laptop.

I'm giving it all I've got and some days I feel like I'm being set up for failure again. My boss tells me I'm doing a fantastic job, yet others who are clueless feel like they can pile even more work on me. My boss got a taste of how long it takes to do email and EUSR's after I blew up in a meeting Thursday morning.

Meanwhile, plans continue for the trip to Boston. Finally booked hotel today. Now I need to look for a car rental. I'm starting to get concerned about this trip. I've talked to the boy and asked him to have his aunt call me. Have nae heard boo yet. I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't want us to come out. Hopefully I'm wrong.

The new weight loss and muscle building plan is starting to show results. From when I started tracking my weight four weeks ago to today I've let go of nine pounds of fat and have gained almost a pound of muscle in the last week. My body doesn't show it, but the numbers do. It's a start.

I'm not liking the cooking part so much. It takes 5-6 hours over the weekend to prep and cook the food, then weight out and portion out everything. Eating 7 times a day can be a pain as well - every 2-2.5 hours I'm eating something, be it one of my protein shakes or food. Ugh. But it's working.

Oy...

2010-03-08T20:00:00.002-06:00

Overtime. Love the money, not so sure I like not having time to myself.

I've been putting in weeks of 15-20 hours of overtime since the end of January. I've got at least seven more weeks of it to go. The powers that be have mandated that the whole company has to be trued up for Project and Visio by the fiscal year end May 1.

I am so far behind, even with the overtime. I'm supposed to be getting someone to help, but what we've interviewed so far isn't going to help me. See what else the contractor system can come up with.

A trip to Boston is in the works as well. I'm taking my oldest niece out to meet her Facebook boyfriend for the first time.

Other than that, a few moments here and there to ogle the boy. He was in the wellness center the same time I was one day all hot and sweaty and the shorts - OMG, yum. Today he was in tight jeans that clung to all the right places and cowboy boots. I had a hard time not drooling or giggling.

That's my life in a nutshell right now. I'll scribble more if I can find a few moments.

Can we just skip this day?

2010-02-14T17:27:00.001-06:00

It would be one thing if I actually had the man who has my heart in my life like I want him in my life. Since he's not, this day sucks.

There has got to be a way for me to win on this one. For once I deserve to have what I want without having to beg, plead and constantly be hurt. There has to be a way to break the pattern.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Work has simmered down a bit. The idiot who's been stingy with data and had the balls to accuse me of several things had his ass handed to him. My boss hit him with the fact that what's he's been doing could be considered harassment, which could get him fired. He backed down after that.

I was able to, with some help from another co-worker, able to figure out what I needed to do for the Acrobat counts. Broke things out by version, then did a de-dupe. The de-dupe wiped out over 6,000 out of a 16k list. Now it's to go back and match licenses, upgrades and maintenance to the licenses we do have.

We're also in the process of getting a couple forms created to track the exceptions to the latest version. One will be in SiteBuilder until the other process can be built in our IT ticketing software, which is at least three months away.

My workouts continue five days a week. I lost three pounds this week. Yeah. Boo to the fact I lost a pound of muscle. I need to figure out what's going on, because I need to add 40-50 pounds of muscle to my frame in order to carry off 175 to continue with my platelet donations.

Other than the overtime and how painful that's been with a laptop that had hardware issues, same old, same old. Boring.

Another week

2010-02-06T10:52:00.002-06:00

I really need to work on my work intention, like the one I have for my drive/ride.

The week was tiring and stressful. I'm tired of dealing with stupid men who think that going round and round in circles creating confusion is the proper way to do things. There are three guys in the department that think that by running ideas in circles that they can confuse people and get their way because only they know the straight path from point a to point b.

Sorry, boys, I'm on to your game, and I will not play it. When I call you on your bullshit, you damn well better admit that you've fubar'd the project beyond all recognition. Then leave me alone while I go back and fix the mess you created. Also, don't go throwing me under the bus to get me in trouble, just to get the spotlight off yourself. Ain't gonna work, and you only shot yourself in the foot anyway.

I've asked for a heavy bag to be installed in the wellness center. The gal who runs it agreed that it would be a good thing for people to come down and take their frustrations out on the bag instead of their co-workers. Some people might be afraid of it at first, until they see a few of us regularly taking a swing at it. I may even go so far as to put a photo sleeve on the bag, so you can put a photo of who it is that's frustrating you so the people around know who's pissing you off.

The stress is affecting my back, my weakest point. I've dug out a book I got a couple years ago on body building without using weights. She shows a different way to do crunches that keeps the stress out of your neck. Start doing those daily to help strengthen my back.

I've also ordered another stretching strap. I know I bought one last year, can't find the damn thing. Found the book, strap has disappeared. Have it sent to work so it goes right in the gym bag when it shows up.

Got my LiveScribe up and running. Took a few tries because the firmware didn't install the first time. It's recording now, and I've used it several times in meetings with the idiots above and for short conversations with my martial arts co-worker.

I was going to have a long chat with the martial arts guy yesterday. Since he lives 50 miles from work and it was snowing yesterday, he decided to work from home. Pffft. At least I can listen to what I have gotten out of him.

I've got Sufi to myself today for class, far as I know. Time to start asking for homework, what does he want to see me work on during the week. Show him I'm interested, taking this seriously. Pick his brain about what he would transfer to me if he could.
Then I come home and work on the deep trance identification script for him.

Need to do some shopping today as well. I need a new scale that accurately does weight and body fat. I also want to get a stop watch so I can time how fast I recover between my PACE workouts.

Time to get moving. Need to have lunch before I go to class.

Running...

2010-01-31T11:00:00.002-06:00

Some days it feels like I'm running in circles, or stuck on a hamster wheel.

Put in 18 hours of overtime last week trying to catch up and stay ahead of what's going on at work. Had 10 hours on the weekend, plus Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. I've got to put in some time today as well. Do it at home where I've got only a cat or two to distract me, not more than a few idiots running around.

Yes, the money is nice. I got both my quarterly bonus and 10 hours OT on the paycheck Thursday. My check was almost double what it normally is. Means I can catch up on a few bills, pay things ahead. I'll be able to pay the mortgage out of next week's check and still have money left over. Sweet.

As for the four footed distractions... AB has finally warmed up to me. He's been funny this week, in that he's been doing laps around the living room. He'll start out in his usual corner, peek his head out around the couch and look at me. Then he'll quickly slink across the living room to behind the love seat, walk behind my recliner, then try to get by the recliner on the way back to his corner. I started putting my hand down on the side of the recliner so he could smell me and get a bit of a pet on the way by.

This morning he decided to come out from under the end table next to my recliner. With a little encouragement he hopped up on my lap and let me pet him for a half hour. Then he whined about the litter box, so I got up and cleaned that out.

He's been purring and talking up a storm ever since. Loud freakin' purr, too.

Tabby, on the other hand, is still in hiding. I couldn't find her earlier in the week, looked in every known hidey hole. Finally looked way in the back of my closet and found her there. I scared her out yesterday and caught her. She didn't fight back. She was panicked, so I just held and soothed her as best I could, then let her go.

Now that AB is OK with me, I'm hoping he'll talk to Tabby and let her know I'm OK, too.

The martial arts/self defense class is going OK. Sifu gave us an idea yesterday about how to practice elbow and other strikes. He suggested tying a whiffle ball to a string and hang it in a doorway. Then you can adjust the height of the whiffle ball to give you a different place to strike at. He also noted that some boxers have used the technique to improve their dodging skills. Start the whiffle ball moving, then shadow box and move as the whiffle ball comes back at you.

Had a rather sad moment during the class as well. Sifu asked us to move to the mirror to understand how one of the elbow strikes works. Watching myself in the mirror doing the strike was humbling. I had the strike down, but looking at just how big my body really is hurt.
Body perception is WAY off. What size I see myself as and what I saw in the mirror were two very different things. Yes, it's a goad to get me to really push myself during my workouts. I don't want to be this body any longer. It took me time to get here, it will take me time to get to 175.

My chats with my martial arts co-worker continue. The chats have been insightful enough that with some of my well gotten gains I've purchased a LiveScribe pen. It can record conversations or meetings as you take notes. That will be handy for classes I take. It also means that I can unobtrusively record my conversations with him so I can collect the knowledge he's imparting on me.

I asked him if he and his dad were thinking about writing an e-book to put on their website. It's something he wants to do, just hasn't made it a priority yet. I also asked if they had ever taught any self-defense classes, and they have. It's been a while - the early 1990's - since they did one, and they need to update their stats, etc. I may suggest he bring it up to the Wellness Center about teaching the class at work.

No matter where he teaches it, I'll be there. I'll also drag my nieces with as well. Wouldn't hurt them to learn how to defend themselves.

So, time get get moving. I need to upgrade the OS on my Mac so I can use the LiveScribe. I need to do all the usual Sunday stuff like washing clothes and dishes and making lunch and supper for the week. And once I get things rolling, perhaps record a deep trance identification script as well.

New kids

2010-01-24T15:24:00.002-06:00

The new kids are doing OK, far as I can tell. Most of the time I find them camped out under/behind the end table I have in my prosperity corner.

AB's been funny today. He'll sneak behind the couch, slink by my recliner, then walk over by the door and peek at me as I've been washing dishes and making yogurt. He'll sit there and watch me do my thing. The moment I move out of the kitchen he's gone.

When I was having my lunch of baked chicken and grapefruit, he was sniffing around my chair. I slowly put my hand down where he could smell the chicken. Sniffed my fingers, did a bit of a head butt against my hand. When I went to pet him, poof, gone again.

Haven't seen much of Tabby girl. I'm presuming she's under my bed, though I haven't look there today. She still spooks really easy. She's the one that will take the longest to warm up.

It's like they've gone back to being wild. They've had so little human contact that they are afraid to let someone in again. That's what Jodi picked up Wednesday night.

I can sympathize, I know all too well about letting people in again. In some ways the three of us are much alike - can we learn to trust and let others in and still be safe? It may be aloof of me, but I'll let them come to me when they are ready.

Can I do that in my own life? Do I reach out or sit back? Do I trust and hope I'm treated with respect and gentleness? Or do I expect the worst, which is what I've gotten in the past?

Yeah, the cats and I are in much the same pickle.
---
Been a busy weekend. Work is piling up to the point I don't have a choice but to put in overtime. Acrobat was added to my plate on top of already having a full workload. The things I need to get done for Project and Visio have to wait until I get done with the Acrobat stuff.

I'll be taking over more of the Acrobat stuff come Tuesday. My boss met with with the VP of risk management about Acrobat and how poorly its been handled. Acrobat will be taken away from the person who has been handling it on Monday. Tuesday we need to come up with a new communications plan, communicate to all the people I've previously worked with and do this the right way.

The person and his boss who flubbed it up will be unhappy about it. The boss FUBAR'd the Vista rollout, so I'm not surprised this went belly up.

So, yeah, I'll take the overtime. Ten hours last week, I've already put in 7 so far between yesterday and today, and I know it will be long hours this week. How long will I have to keep this up? Not sure. Depends on how swamped I get, how far behind I am.
At the moment I should be working, however I keep getting kicked off the VPN. I'll give it another 10-15 minutes and try it again. Too much to do to be goofing off.

The money can go towards a trip to Boston with my oldest niece. Thankfully AB and Tabby aren't on a schedule like Shadow was, so I don't have to worry about being home at a specific time to feed them.
---
Self defense class is going well. Got the instructor to myself again yesterday. I really need to work on my footwork and coordinating my hands with my hip rotations.

Got to talking with one of the guys at work that I know is into martial arts. I was about ready to pound the joker mentioned above, so I went to talk with this guy. Since he teaches tae kwon do, he knows his self defense. I was telling him about my class, had him look up the website. He likes how Sifu is teaching, and I may even be able to talk him into coming in for a class sometime. (Just listening to those two talk theory would be an education in and of itself. Watching them spar - that I would want to videotape so I could go back pick up what happened.)

He really encouraged me to ask questions. He's thinking that by asking questions, I show I'm interested. Being at every class on time, etc, shows Sifu I'm serious, so I'll start getting the little extra pointers. That I can do. I'll also pick his brain every chance I get.

Then it occurred to me - I'm a certified therapeutic coach, why not do a deep trance identification on both Sifu and my co-worker. Pull in the years of skills they have, the muscle memory, the theory and practice. Pull those into my being, then integrate them so I can make use of what they know and do.

One more thing to add to the to do list.

When one door closes...

2010-01-19T20:53:00.003-06:00

Another one opens.

In this case, as the door closed on Shadow's life, I was able to open a door for two more that most likely been euthanized at the Humane Society.

Meet Tabby, 14, on the left, and AB, 15, on the right.

And yes, there is more than a passing resemblance between AB and Shadow. AB is a lithe little boy, more refined than Shad.

Someone here on LJ saw what their mom had posted on Freecycle and posted it in the Twin Cities group. I saw it Friday night and offered. Got the email address, emailed mom, told her I could take both of them. The above photo is from her.

Went down after my martial arts class Saturday afternoon to pick them up. They had AB already crated, Tabby was hiding and didn't want to come out. So I brought AB home Saturday and told mom we could meet up on Sunday to get Tabby home. She came home Sunday night.

Right now both are very skittish. AB at least will come out, slink by me to use the litter box or get something to eat. Tabby will do neither while I'm awake or here. They are content to hide under and behind an end table at the end of the couch. I figure they will come out when they need attention. Otherwise, nary a squeak out of either of them.

I've got an appointment with my favorite animal communicator for tomorrow night. I want to let them know they are safe and loved here, and that they can ask Raini and Shad about how well I took care of them. I also want to check in on those two, especially Shadow, to see why she manifested cancer in her body when she didn't need to.

Other than that, I'm on week one of what I expect will be a journey towards me getting in and staying in shape. I'm aiming for 175 pounds, which may seem a bit high for a 5'6" woman. My lean muscle mass is already 140, so by adding 10-20 pounds of muscle, I can easily be at 175 with enough body fat to keep my cycle going.

The 175 goal is due to my platelet donations. I have to be at 175 or above to continue to donate triples every three weeks. Something about the amount of plasma they have to pull out. Add muscle, remove fat, I hit 175 and then I stay there.

My plan is to do body weight calisthenics Monday and Friday, PACE cardio on Tuesday and Thursday, kettlebells on Wednesday and martial arts on Saturday. Sunday's my day off. Should be enough variety that I don't get bored, cause I'm changing the exercises every 4 weeks for the calisthenics, cardio changes go from 4 to 6 to 8 weeks.

Well, kids, time to toddle off to bed. I have a presentation tomorrow where I go over in detail what I've been doing for the last year. Formatting bullet points in Word sucks. If I can get in early and get some peace and quiet I should be able to finish it up by 10.

RIP Shadow

2010-01-15T09:10:00.002-06:00

The second worst day of my life is here. I had to euthanize Shadow this morning.

I noticed after I got back from New Year's that she smelled funny and was drooling. She wouldn't let me look in her mouth. Finally made time this morning to get to the vet. The vet opened her mouth and found that most of her lower jaw was consumed with cancer. I wasn't about to put her through more pain.

This is another one of those that I knew when I took her in this morning that I would not be bringing her home alive.

The house is going to be really quiet now. Well, except for the neighbor and his loud music. No more waking up at 3 am to her howling/toning, trying to get the energy to move for me. Or 5:30 am to get me to feed her.

Shad and I didn't always get along. She was a diva brat, right up there along with the worst of the human divas. She hissed and growled at everything she wasn't happy with. She growled at life in general right up to when the sedative finally kicked in.

As much as I hated her at times, I still loved her and will miss her.

Rest in peace, Shadow. Go play with Raini, Duke and Poochie at the Rainbow Bridge, and I will be there eventually.

I like Wednesdays

2010-01-13T20:41:00.001-06:00

Quiet evenings, that's why.

Other than kettlebells kicking my butt and back. Hey, at least I'm continuing with it. Third set of 8 weeks.
I was also in the wellness center Monday night working on my footwork, did a bit of ladders with the kettlebells and stretched.

In my digging around the house I found some David Carradine videos I'd picked up in the early 90's. One is on kung fu, the other tai chi. The kung fu video has a great stretching routine that I need to get into the habit of doing. I know everything is tight - part of the reason why my back hurts during kettlebells. Get things loose and moving again and I'll be in better shape.

I finally figured out how to connect my VCR and DVD/HDD work together so I can move these videos to DVD. I moved the kung fu video on Sunday, I'll work on the tai chi this weekend.

I continue to have interesting conversations with my co-worker about his energy thievery. We got into it a bit yesterday and that conversation left me in limbo as to whether or not I can ever get through his thick skull. Today, different ball game. Talked to him for almost an hour this morning trying to figure out why Visio wasn't loading on someone's computer, then we got sidetracked on other work issues. Caught up with him around 3 and had another interesting conversation. That one was prompted because another female co-worker had talked to him about something where he came off as an arrogant son, as we were talking about her gifted child and her latent abilities she's afraid to use.

This one got a bit closer to where I wanted to head. I told him yet another person came to me about how I deal with him. He admitted it might take him a couple days to a couple weeks to get through his head what he's doing. I told him I'd nicknamed that part of him the Hulk because it's so much bigger than him, or him as a 7 foot, 400 pound linebacker. He liked that idea because he was a linebacker, center and nose tackle on his high school's football team. The conversation rapidly deteriorated from there, it feels like I'm making progress.

The conversation with the mother of the gifted child was interesting. We'd had a meeting about what I'm doing, talked about what I'm seeing with ITAM, etc. As we were coming back to our floor, I told her about my massage therapy and running and teaching energy work, and the questions just started coming.

Her oldest son is 7, and since he was little he's talked about the lights that have kept him up at night. He's not afraid of them, but he does get nightmares. He's also tapped in to past lives, where he was his mom's grandfather. Mom, of course, is a bit unsettled by it because she has latent talents that she's not acknowledging. For me, this stuff is completely normal, and I told her that I'd be more than willing to come out and talk with her son about it. Let him know it's OK, there are adults who have these gifts as well and use them. And maybe along the way mom will start owning her own talent and developing it.

Where to start?

2010-01-09T21:25:00.002-06:00

Yes, we're almost 10 days into 2010 and I'm just now sitting down to post for the first time in almost three weeks. Been busy, what can I say?

Work continues. My contract has been extended out to the end of April and I suspect will be extended again after that. I'm no where near done with what needs to be done for Project and Visio, let alone having Acrobat and Visual Studio also added to the pile. I suspect my blogging time may get shorter as the prospect of overtime soon approaches. I'm almost at max capacity now with 40 hours, adding more to the pot means more hours. My boss is aware of it and may be able to leverage that into adding another person.

The holidays were ok. Got to spend Christmas day with Dominik clan, then went out to Jones clan for New Year's. I did take the second oldest niece's boyfriend out with me. Good boy, kept his mouth shut on the way out and back.

The weekend was a great reminder as to why I don't have kids. There were 7 of them between 7 and 17, and all of them had some type of drama going on.

Unwittingly, I got myself in the middle of one of them by bringing the boyfriend out. The oldest has a boyfriend out in Massachusetts, so her younger sister having her boyfriend in the house hurt, a lot. I sat down with her before I left to find out what's going on. Once I got her to open up, the dam burst and it all came out.

Looks like I'll be taking a trip to Boston and Cape Cod, either in April or June. I suspect it will now be June, since their school was closed both Thursday and Friday this week, so they will lose their Easter break days off. That's OK, it gives both of us more time to save the money for plane tickets, hotel and transportation.

That also meant sitting down with the parents to explain to them what I was hearing. The oldest doesn't feel like they are listening to her, cutting her off in the middle of a thought, she loses her train of thought, gets angry and stomps off. So Aunt Beth steps in, clears the air. Now we need to hammer out some rules about how this trip is going to come together.

I can sympathize with her. She can talk to, email and text her boyfriend. The one that I care about, I can't let him know I care. He's married, his daughter is pregnant and due in March, and he doesn't yet know I know. I walk on eggshells, trying to be helpful without giving away how I feel about him.

I may not have a choice about it. I had a couple of meetings with him that left me energetically drained dry, even though I was sending him as much energy as I could. I finally called him on it, asking what he knows about energy flows. Turns out his father teaches tae kwon do, hapkido, tai chi and Qigong, and he's a tae kwon do instructor himself.

The sticking issue is the energy flows he knows are all internal - he doesn't yet know how to tap into the Universal energy source. Instead, he becomes an energy vampire and tries to suck people dry. I've had a couple people come to me and ask how I deal with him because he intimidates people with his intensity. I told him that, and he's a bit baffled.

Now I need to teach him how to tap into that Universal energy source. In telling him the story of how I know what I know, he may figure it out. Then again, he may not.

Meanwhile, he's given me a key to helping me let go of the weight. After I learned about his martial arts training, something in me clicked. I was emailing back and forth with P Monday morning, and about the same time we came up with the same conclusion. My body will let go of the weight as I learn how to defend and protect myself. That means going back to the martial arts, specifically kung fu.

Why kung fu? It's what calls to me. Blame it in part to Kung Fu: The Legend Continues and my lusting after Chris Potter. I did learn a few things from the show, and it brought into my life some books and tapes that I'm now digging out because I need them.

I'm also signing up for classes. This place follows the old traditions of not having belts and degrees, much like the Shaolin temple does things. You progress at your own pace and get what you need. I went to class today and was the only one there, so I got Sifu Naylor all to myself. We worked on basic footwork, basic handwork, a bit of self defense. There are three others in the class, two of which will be out for the next month or so. Looks like I started at a good time.

Bummer

2009-12-27T13:09:00.002-06:00

I should have suspected something was up when Jones clan kids didn't remember to ask off for this weekend. And when their projector went kaput.

Whomever runs the party room rentals for my building either never got my check or completely blew off my reservation, because no one got a hold of me to get me the party room key. So I've called several places to see if I could find someone to get me in, no joy.

Then Jones clan called, they started out for the cities. Hwy 7 was crap, so they turned around and went home.

No holiday party. I was so looking forward to this. Spent $95 to rent a projector that now won't even come out of it's case. I was going to get new pix of the kids and family. Bah flippin' humbug.

Trying to reschedule is going to be a treat. G has Knowledge Bowl and speech tournaments most Saturdays right through my birthday, so Sundays are still an option. Question is when. Try it again, see what happens.

At least I got to see Dominik clan Christmas night for supper, and I'm going out to see Jones clan to sew cloaks on Thursday, so not a total loss.

So, I suppose, back to work. More like actually get the work I was supposed to be doing done.

Happy eve of Xmas Eve

2009-12-23T21:06:00.001-06:00

Normally I'd say bah humbug right about here. Not feeling it quite so bad this year. Blame it on me being in lust.

Work continues to be a merry go round in things not getting done on time. I had to chew out both the packager and the SCCM boys today because they weren't playing well together. Since they are so much alike, they tend to point fingers at each other when something goes wrong. Shadow effect in full force between those two.

I made it very clear this morning when I sent out a meeting notice that no finger pointing was allowed and that I wanted answers and fixes. To say I was peeved at them is an understatement.

Anyway, meeting went better than I hoped. I've just got a lot to learn about how software is packaged, moved to SMS, then converted to SCCM. This is a side of PC's I never wanted to know. In doing software asset management, guess I'm going to have to learn. Pffftttt.

I'm looking forward to Sunday. Jones and Dominik clans are descending on my party room for the second annual DoJoKo holiday party. Dig out the Wii, put a 5 pound roast in the roaster, get some veggies and chips and dig in. It was a lot of fun last year, and will be even more interesting this year. Add in two exchange students, a boyfriend and his parents... it's gonna be a full house. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Meanwhile, a huge snow storm is headed to Minnesota. I'm hearing forecasts of anywhere from 7" to 20"+ of snow. It started sleeting around 2 when I was out and about and is supposed to snow all the way through until Saturday sometime.
As long as it doesn't top the Halloween Storm of '91's 30"+ we'll be fine. At least it will be in the upper 20's, not sub-zero.

My holiday plans? Work, other than a run to the grocery store tomorrow and a platelet donation Saturday. And the party Sunday.

Hope y'all have a good holiday. I'll post some pix of the party on Sunday or Monday.

gettin' stuff done

2009-12-13T13:18:00.001-06:00

It's not even 1 pm and I've gotten a lot of stuff done today.
1. Washed three loads of clothes
2. Washed three loads of dishes
3. Made both regular and keifer yogurt, which are in the Nesco roaster
4. Washed out the microwave and various parts
5. Washed off the top of the stove, took the burners apart and cleaned them

I haven't stopped moving until I sat down to write this. Feels good to get some stuff done.

Might also help that I've listened to my "Get Around To It" paraliminal both yesterday and today. I listened to a couple others as well, and will again today. I've got them, might as well make use of them to help me help myself.

The cleaning bug is in part due to the fact I gave someone a copy of The Celestine Prophecy. His teenage daughter will present him with his first grandchild sometime in March. What he doesn't know, yet, is that child is a Crystal child and is going to come out asking questions. He's the closest in the family to waking up. I wasn't going to interfere until the book fell off the shelf into my hands twice, then the third time hit me on the head when I was sitting below it. Every time it fell out I thought of him. When it hit me on the head, I said OK, Universe, I get it, he needs this book. He finally walked by my desk this week so I gave it to him.

Once he reads it, he's going to have questions. I want to be able to bring him here so if he goes ballistic on learning how I know what I know, he has the space and privacy to do so. If I have control of the space, I can influence the outcome. Home turf advantage, shall we say.

In preparation for that, I re-read for the umpteenth time my copy of Celestine. There were several things I needed to be reminded of as well, things I need to work on myself. I'll work through the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Insights as well.

In a way, after my hate letters, Celestine is a good place to start over again. Remind me of what I already knew and hadn't looked at in a while. Get me back on the path again, the beginner's mind.
---
My kids are growing up. Granted, I didn't have the fun of making them or raising them, but they are the closest thing I have to bearing my own.

G was down earlier this week for a teacher's conference, so I met up with her. Thing 2 told her she wanted a coat like I have. G mentioned it to me, and I said yes, I'd be willing to make her a winter coat like I have that is based on the Jedi cloak.

Thing 2 then told Things 1 & 3 that I was making a cloak for her, so now they decided they want cloaks, too. I suspected that might happen. So when they come down for Christmas, we'll head for SR Harris to buy the fleece and nylon fabric for the cloaks, the buttons, thread and cord to match. The following weekend I'll head out and sew like crazy for three days to put them together.

Thankfully it's a really basic pattern with only three parts. The hardest part is that the main body and sleeve of each side are cut out of one piece - depending on how tall the person is, that piece will be between 9-12 feet long. The only seams are at the sides and back - no shoulder seams. I don't have the room to lay out anything that long or wide. Jones clan, however, has a dining room and living room where we can lay out something that long on the floor and cut it out. Then it's sewing the back and under arm seams together, adding the hood, and sewing the fleece side and the nylon sides together and sewing the bottom closed.

Then I get an email from G. One of the two oldest evidently has a boyfriend here in the Cities. She's already asked Mom and Dad if he could come visit for New Years. The trick is if I will transport said boyfriend from the Cities out to their place.
I have no problems doing that. However, to keep everything kosher and safe, I told G that I want both her and at least one of his parents in on the email chain back and forth as we make arrangements. Then his parents know how to get a hold of me if something should come up, they know I'm legitimate, etc. Can't be too safe these days, and I'd rather be up front so his parents know who I am.

So, we shall see how this works out. My babies are growing up.

The fun begins

2009-12-09T19:32:00.002-06:00

Not.

Since the communications and the EUA's started on Monday, I have not had time to think while I've been at work. I've come home with a headache every night because I'm concentrating so hard.

This is one of those top of my head blown off headaches. Not sure if I'm not getting enough carbs to keep up with what my brain needs for glucose, or if my crown chakra had just decided to blow open.

Either way, brain fried.

Then there's the Minnesota weather to deal with. We got our first snowstorm of the season. Ugh. I can deal with the snow, it's the cold I'm not fond of. Nor the wind.

At least the drivers I was moving along with at 30-40 mph were well behaved. On the news they said between last night and 1 pm today there were 669 accidents, three deaths and 300+ simple in the ditches. That's just here in the Cities, I think. South by Rochester they got a foot or more of snow.

Sorry I'm not more talkative. I'm too tired. See if I can get some energy this weekend.

Almost a year

2009-12-04T22:04:00.001-06:00

It's been almost a year I've been working on this software licensing project. This year has gone by quickly, and in some respects its hard to believe it's taken this long to get to the point where we can start communicating and removing software.

We overhauled the EUA, so it's simple for the end user. The communications have been overhauled for the umpteenth time. The Visio Viewer is in progress of being advertised to the whole company. It's a mad dash to Tuesday when everything goes live.

Fifty-one weeks to get to this point. I didn't think it would take this long. When you don't have an idea of what you're doing, it's an uphill learning curve. The next one will be easier, because we've already done it once. The third will be a refinement of the process, going faster and easier.

So, we'll see what happens as the communications go out. See how many howl, how many come up with licenses, how many don't notice what's going on until their software goes missing.
---
The Monday night before Thanksgiving I finally got an appointment with the animal communicator. What should have been a reading on Shadow ended up being commentary on me.

Turns out I'm not the only one with a cat that howls at all hours of the day and night. J did some asking and got back that the howls are in fact the cat's way of 'toning' to help us humans move out negative energy.

I do admit, I was stuck in a pretty bad rut. Most of my 'stories' were negative, angry rants at my parents, my ex-boyfriend from 22 years ago, my half siblings, etc. She called me on it, asked me to write a letter to each person finally voicing all the things I've not been able to tell them. Get it all out on paper, she said, before it eats you alive.

Then I remembered Louise Hay and her story about her vaginal cancer. Cancer is the anger literally eating away at you. Mom died from her cancer, her anger at her life gone wrong.

So I wrote some very hate-full letters. I cried tears that burned my eyes. My throat didn't want to work. As the week went on and I wrote more letters, my runny nose turned into sinus infection that went into my lungs. She told me to burn the letters the night before the full moon - Tuesday night.

When I'd written all I could, I burned the letters Tuesday night. I forgave myself for choosing this family. I forgave my parents yet again for their addictions and their lack of care. I forgave my siblings for not being there when I needed them. I forgave the ex-boyfriend for his transgressions.

I'm catching myself earlier when I start down a path. I clear myself with a vortex of divine white light before I come into the house at night, and before I go to sleep. I clean Shadow with another white light vortex, so she doesn't have to tone at night. I call in the archangels to clean the house and the whole floor of the building I work in of any negative energies, negative entities, negative thoughts or thought patterns.

I can tell a difference when I walk on to the floor. It feels lighter, better. There seems to be a bit more harmony in the department. Time will tell.

This week

2009-11-21T21:18:00.001-06:00

What have I been up to this week?

It's been a tough week for most people, I believe. How am I coming to that conclusion? Couple things come to mind. Shadow has been up and hollering at 3 am most every morning except today. I almost threw her against the wall on Friday morning because she just would not shut up.

With her being up, that meant I was up, which equals me being tired and crabby. Not a good combo for me.

Work... ugh. The EUA finally got finished, only to have it turn out to be a disaster. I didn't know it had gone live until someone from the Support Center got a hold of me. It was ugly, people didn't understand it, and the woman who created it never cleared it with me before it went live. The she said she couldn't change it. Our communications person went to the project manager for the new system to see if there was anything he could do. We sat down with that team for a half hour and banged out some changes and got the EUA taken out of production. The systems team is going to make some back end changes that will make it easier for the general public to do the EUA and won't stress the Support Center.

Then I get a service request about putting Visio on Citrix boxes. That is just a bad idea with an audit waiting to happen. I find out someone already approved putting Project out on Citrix without approval. The guy running the Citrix boxes told me his group isn't the licensing police. I shot back that I am the licensing police for ALL platforms and I'm not about to let Visio on a Citrix box until I have the full details of what's already out there with Project. That got me some cooperation, but my boss and I still need to sit down and figure out how to deal with it.

Given how things are going, I'm going in to work next Friday. The building is open and I should have the entire floor to myself. I can listen to music without headphones, I won't have to put up with the boys and their bickering, and I should be able to get some work done. Some of the stuff I want to do has to be done in the office - the VPN is way too slow.

On the personal front, other than being bone weary tired and crabby, I've had a few aha's. After my peer-to-peer coaching last week, I realized how many values I have that are conflicting. The scope of those value conflicts clarified during meditation this morning.

The values conflicts group into four main areas: finances, time management, love and food. They also sub-group, in that finances are dependent on time management, and food is dependent on love. The majority of the issues I'm dealing with fall under those four categories or the sub-groups.

I'm thinking I want to mind map each area. Plot out what my self talk is about the various areas, see if I can find the conflicts so they can be resolved. I suspect if I put the four of them together there will be areas of overlap that may point to a central issue. Deal with the central issue, pull the pin on it, it goes away and the rest falls into place.

I'll putz with that tomorrow between doing some syntopic PhotoReading and doing the rest of the usual weekend chores.

I'm looking forward to sleeping in for four days in a row. I need the break. Even with working from home on Thanksgiving - I'm on my own this year - and going in on Friday, it's a break. No real schedule to deal with.

That's my week in a nutshell.

I had all these great ideas...

2009-11-14T16:34:00.002-06:00

And now I'm not remembering them. Go figure.

Where to start? Work. EUA still isn't up and running. The gal finally got to starting it this week, but it won't be tested and actually up and running until sometime next week. The director and finance manager know the reason why it's not ready yet, so they can't yell at me.

Had an incident with one of the boys on Wednesday. Tuesday morning he and a female coworker were talking about some of the inappropriate emails his uncle and father in law sent to his work email. One of the things he said horrified me and left me wondering if he has the balls to say that knowing I'm not 10 feet away, what is saying behind my back?

I stewed on it for a day, then made up my mind to confront him on it. I told my boss about my idea of peer to peer coaching, and she said go for it. I figured she didn't need the details, just that I was doing it.

I emailed him that we needed to have a private conversation. He got back to me asking for a specific time, which was fine with me. He actually cut a meeting short by a half hour to get to me sooner.

On the way to finding a room, I told him I saw him as a wet behind the ears puppy, because he's just turning 28, either last Sunday or tomorrow. Once in there, I told him it was his conversation Tuesday morning that had me concerned. He apologized several times, stating that he didn't remember what he said but that he felt bad for making inappropriate comments. I told him about situational awareness, being aware of who's around you and thinking about what you say before you say it. I also told him about the shadow effect and made it a point to use several of his Republican heroes and how they have fallen as examples.

We ended up talking for an hour about several different subjects. He wants to be a leader on the team, to some day be a manager like our boss is. I told him about my leadership experience and that I would be willing to share some different things with him to help him along. I also told him about my empathic and healing talents, along with the coaching, and that looking at the therapeutic coaching program would help him.

It was an interesting conversation, and I think I got through to him. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he talked about it with his wife. I can just imagine what he's said to the rest of the boys.

Friday I was at the Women Venture conference. The first break out session of the day was good - Robert Stephens, the founder of Geek Squad. He talked about how he uses Twitter and other social media to keep in contact with his ever growing team. There were several other things he said that I think I can use with the boys.

The second session I should have skipped and gone to something more interesting. Lunch, however, brought things back on track. The main speaker was Marilyn Carlson Nelson, former CEO and current board chair of Carlson Companies (think Radisson, TGI Friday's, Country Inns and Suites, etc). She had a lot of good things to say, along with some statistics that hit home. She also did a bit of a round table with Sen. Amy Klobuchar and Gloria Perez, CEO of the Jerimiah Project.

Since I got out early, I did a bit of shopping on the way home. I've needed new jeans for a while, so I stopped at the store where I've gotten the best fit - ie the inseam is the right length. The store has gone to shaped jeans, based on if you're boxy, curvy or in between. I qualify as curvy, so I started with a pair of what I thought would fit. Get into the dressing room, get them on. They are TOO big. OK, so I go back out to find the next size down, none on the shelf. Clerk says try the next size down, if they are too tight we can order the next size up.

So I go try on what I think is going to be too small. Pull them on - they fit. Perfectly. O. M. G! That's two pants sizes down from what I have been wearing. So, do I chalk it up to actually being smaller, or do I chalk it up to being in a differently fitted jean? Split the difference, I'm still down two sizes.

While I was there I also spotted a burgandy shirt. The red hued shirts I do have are starting to wear out - the polo has holes in the sleeve ribbing, the sweater has a couple snags in it, and the chamois shirt is for winter only. This one is a good color on me - bright or fire engine red makes me look like a huge zit. This color I can wear.

To make it a good shopping trip, the store even had a 30% off sale going on. What should have been over $120 I got for $89.

And while I was out, I also got passport photos taken. My passport expired in March, just have not made time to get it renewed. Now that I have the photos, just gotta spend the $75 to get it done. Never know when I might need to pick up and get out of Dodge.

A good weekend

2009-11-08T15:47:00.004-06:00

Well, I've gotten a few things done this weekend. Thanks to P being up in Forest Lake yesterday, I was able to run Chael up to where I wanted to store him and get a ride home. With Chael safely tucked away for the winter, today I got the rest of the garage cleaned up so I could get Taez in.

Here's the before:

Here's the after:

I hauled out two contractor garbage bags full of junk. It's amazing what piles up in almost 13 years of being in the same space.

Now Taezen is parked in the garage. There's space for me to get out of my door, there's plenty of room for the other guy to get in and out of his car, and his passenger can get out as well. I marked the drywall so I know how far in to go - when the outside rearview mirror is even with the mark, there's a foot of space in front and about a foot between the trailer hitch and the garage door. I also marked the front middle of the space, so I know about where to aim Taez's nose.

Ahh, no more scraping windows or trying to get the inside of the windshield to defrost.

While I was at it, I also fixed the door. For the last couple years it's been really hard to shut the inside garage door. I took a good look at it today and figured out why - some dumbass moved the strike plate in a quarter of an inch. Since I know how to use tools so well, I pulled out the screws, re-drilled the holes and moved the plate back to where it should be. Now it will be easy to close the door.

Of course, no good deed goes unpunished. In putting stuff back together, my back has reminded me that it's been pulled. A couple weeks ago in kettlebells my back started hurting really bad - enough that I was crying. Not that I let the instructor see that... So when I saw Dr. R Thursday night, I asked. I've pulled the muscles that run right along side the spine. Moving things around partially un-did what I had accomplished since Thursday.

Now I need to order some Bio-Freeze and use that before kettlebells to help keep my back loose so I don't injure it any further. I need to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else.

TGIF

2009-11-06T19:32:00.002-06:00

This has been a better day than most. There was some brain bending work trying to get the MSDN subscriptions to match up with the Visio licensing. Found out the EUA process won't be worked on until Monday, which pushes everything back until late next week. Other people aren't responding to email requests for assistance to do an end run around a stick in the mud.

The drive in was interesting. One of the radio stations is sponsoring the Kiss concert tomorrow night, so Gene Simmons was on. One song in particular got my attention: God gave us rock 'n roll. It almost came off as a gospel version of Kiss, which is just such a contradiction. Didn't hear my song before I got out of Taez, darn. A couple of them did stick in my head most of the day.

Not much for plans for the weekend. I need to get Chael into storage so I can put the garage back together so Taez can go in the garage. Thankfully P is going up to Forest Lake to see some friends tomorrow afternoon. I can run Chael up to the Fridley Hitching Post and store him there. She can pick me up on the way back. Works well. Come next spring I can hit up one of my team mates to pick me up on their way in to work and I can ride Chael home.

My contract was extended. For now it's to the end of the year. My boss and I were talking about it today. She wants to hire me. It has to happen some time in the next year, as the company has a two year contract limit, then you need to take 60 days off before you can come back again.
She believes that what I've been doing so far has proven they can't do it without me. She has a meeting next week with the director, the other manager and the HR dude to talk about what things are going to look like personnel wise. She needs to start planning for budgets now, as the fiscal year is late April, not calendar year.

That would be way cool to be hired on as IT asset management. That pays much better than an admin does. And given all the things I'm getting my fingers into... Active Directory group management, secure AD group, actually getting in there and messing with structure... I should probably ask the guys if they have any books I can Photoread so I don't mess things up.

Now I'm just waiting for G to get back so we can discuss holiday plans and get D clan involved as well.

where'd October go?

2009-11-02T20:25:00.002-06:00

Time seems to be moving faster the older I get. Wasn't yesterday September?

Where am I at, what am I up to? Well, still playing with the shadow work. I finally sat down yesterday between doing laundry and making yogurt and watched The Shadow Effect. It's a good documentary on the current state of affairs from both a personal and world perspective.

The second disc was what I was really after. The second disc is all of what's on the first. The bonus is that she stops at different places and asks some pretty thought provoking questions. I'm not all the way through the second disc yet, it takes some time to think about what she's asking and writing it all down.

A couple places made me cry. The one that physically hurt the worst was the forgiveness section. My eyes were fine before and after I cried, but during that segment my tears hurt my eyes. Leaves me wondering how toxic those tears were, given how I reacted and how bad they hurt.

My buttons have been pushed a lot in the last two weeks. We're getting closer to removing Project and Visio and are still hammering things out as we go. One of the issues has been getting me a specific bucket set up for software licensing. One gal is holding up the process, really defending her territory. In doing so she's managed to push my buttons on anger, fear and a couple others. I've had to do other things in order to give my mind a break, then go back to figuring out what was causing those buttons to react. Once I figured it out, I could do the things she needed done so her territory would be kept safe.

I sat down with P a couple weeks ago to figure some things out. The story kept circling around until the noose was set and either I said it or else. The good part is, I don't remember much of what I said, other than doing a conversion of the steel suit of armor to the super spider silk that can stop 4 mm rounds. Trade the weight that doesn't do much for me for something more fitting and flexible and can still protect me.

Then, of course, I get woke up with nightmares of my voice being ripped out of my throat. In the dream someone put a black bag over my head, so I tried to scream. Nothing came out. In the back of my head I heard something about light, so I cranked up the inner light in my belly and expanded that to drive back the darkness. That was a sure sign the house shields needed to be reinforced/replaced.

Time change still has both Shadow and I out of whack. Shad wanted breakfast at 4:30 this morning and would not shut up about it. I held her off until 5. We'll have to work towards 5:30 breakfast for her, only in four months we'll be back to this schedule. Bah.

So, that's what I've been up to. Crochet a bit. Read through the latest Kris Longknife book, twice. Read another book in another series. Figure out what's going on in my head and body. That's enough to keep me busy and out of trouble.

Shadow work

2009-10-19T20:57:00.002-05:00

I've been off doing some more shadow work. It's actually kind of fun, making a list of all the things I hate or dislike about other people, knowing full well that what I don't like in them is what I don't like in myself.

It's been kind of freeing, actually. Like this morning during our team meeting, I took a broadside potshot at the guy who needs to pull together three SCCM reports for me. I sent the service request to him August 26, he finally accepted it September 8, and now here it is October 19 and he's just now starting work on it after the potshot during the meeting today.

I have cut him some slack the last two weeks because A) his wife had two discs in her neck removed and three vertebrae fused, so he had to work from home for 10 days, and then B) his pregnant daughter caught H1N1 and ended up airlifted to a hospital downtown because she ended up with severe pnumonia, couldn't keep anything down, etc.

The fact remains is that he's had several weeks to work on this and has not. I needed those reports two weeks ago, he put them off, he's fair game for the potshot. I worded it like, 'We're about ready to rip Project and Visio off system, but I'm waiting on SMS and SCCM reports because I'm working with months old data.' He got the public hint and sent me an email that he would be working on it after he got his daughter home from the hospital today and would have at least one to me by EOD tomorrow.

The other thing that has made this fun is that my boss is buying into this. She asked me to come up with a presentation about shadow work, both from the perspective of the guys not knowing I do this, and to get them to own up to the incessant whining, backstabbing, etc that goes on with this bunch.

I have the presentation plotted out in a mind map - I had time today since I was waiting on the reports. I've got some music in mind, a video clip from Torchwood: Children of Earth I'd like to use, the structure, the blindside, etc. The boys aren't going to know what hit them.
---

Got some work done in the garage this weekend. The board has decided now to have some new sheetrock put in the garages. That means that everything has to be pulled off the walls, piled in the middle, the crew puts in the new rock, then I get to put my stuff back up on the walls. Grrrr. So I'll have to haul garbage out and get stuff down on Saturday so I can neatly pile it up in the middle.

That also means I need to find a place for Chael sooner rather than later. I rode today for the first time in three weeks. He didn't want to start - gas had evaporated from the carbs. He finally started, didn't sound quite right. Find a place to store him and go from there.
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Kitchen Window has their annual knife event this coming weekend. They are giving 10-60% off knives, plus three blades sharpened for free, Japanese blades are $3 instead of $10. I want to get a Shun 5" utility knife, so I don't have to haul out the 8" chef's knife all the time. The 8" is a bit unwieldy when trying to trim up chicken thighs of the fat and skin before I bake them. Even 10% off will bring it down to about $125 for the blade. Worth it in my eyes for a wicked sharp blade.

Things to contemplate

2009-10-05T20:49:00.002-05:00

Head's been busy with all sorts of stuff running through it.

Went to see Dr. R last week for my monthly visit. My neck was stiff and unyielding, and several other things just weren't right. I asked him what was causing me to be so damn inflexible. His reply? My shadow side is surfacing, and I need to delve into it. He recommended a look at The Shadow Effect and Anger Resources book Embracing the Dark Side: Learning to Recognize and Handle the Anger Within and Around You. I ordered the DVD set, still thinking about the workbook. I have Ford's The Dark Side of the Light Chasers already, so I'm re-reading that.

Dr. R told me that a lot of what I'm dealing with is other people pushing my boundaries. They are reflecting back to me the things I don't like in myself. Instead of stuffing them away and ignoring them, I need to look at them head on and deal with them within myself.

We're heading into winter, a time where a lot of people won't be able to keep running from themselves. They will find themselves inside doing stupid or destructive stuff because they aren't willing to go inside and face their own shadows. What are you most afraid of? What do you keep denying? How are you not what you hate?

So I've started with what I already have, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I'd read through it before, but now it has even more relevance. A couple weeks ago I started purposefully draining my anger, hate, disgust, fear, resentment, etc during my meditations. I connected my roots not to the center of the earth, but to the Canadian oil sands that are north of here. Where better to send the oily sludge that is the lower vibration emotions than to oil sands where they can be made use of?

Draining myself of the anger, hate and resentment had an almost immediate impact on my thinking. I didn't get so caught up in my own little revenge stories that would run through my head. It was easier to stop them if they did try to start. Moved my energy in a different direction, things change.

Time to look at the shadows, see what's lurking there. Besides the Shadow cat... It struck me as a bit funny, when I thought about it. I lost my light when I euthanized Raini, and all I'm left with is my Shadow. Had I put 2 + 2 together, I might have seen this coming earlier and not had to deal with such a stiff neck. Oh well, I get it now.

Running around...

2009-09-26T21:56:00.002-05:00

Today was a day spent mostly on the road.

Went to my nephew's football game at 9 this morning. His coach moved his 72 pound body from safety to nose tackle today. Nose tackle? Hello, when he stood up, the other team's center towered over him by a good 18" and at least 100 pounds. Yet he managed to sneak by the guy twice, once for a solo quarterback sack that put the other team back several yards, and an assist on another tackle. His team won 20-12 with a touchdown in the last 1:15.

From there it was over to see P. I burned her some of my Paraliminals so she can help herself. We ended up talking for almost an hour, and another friend was waiting to meet her. She gave me a copy of a DVD and some hypnosis manuals to read. Something to play with on the boys at work.

The rest of the day included lunch, Whole Foods, DSW for new athletic shoes and a run to Target for long overdue necessities. Expensive day, had to be done.

I've been contemplating looking at stock pots that are deeper than my dutch oven for making my yogurt in. I looked while at Target, the ones they had seem really light. I was thinking cast iron, so I looked at Lodge. All their stuff is 4.5" deep, when I'm looking for something at least 6" deep and 10" across to fit the quart canning jars. I looked at JC Penney, QVC, Amazon, Kitchen Window and Williams-Sonoma, all no joy. Keep looking, I suppose.

Still a few things I need to get done. I need to get my hair cut, cause it's in my eyes with the helmet on. I want to get to Trader Joe's to get their barbeque sauce - it's the only one I've found so far made with sugar, not corn syrup. The tax return is going quickly, gotta play catch up.

She's alive!

2009-09-23T19:49:00.002-05:00

Yes, I still live. Ain't been much to talk about lately.

Other than waking up at 3:30 Monday morning clearly hearing the neighbors stereo booming through my unit. Grrrrr. My gut was acting up, so I came into my office to recline in my meditation chair and see if I could go back to sleep. Put on my meditation CD and I could still hear the booms coming through.

Once I got up for the day, I ripped off an email to the association letting them know. The management company noted the infraction and told me they had notified the unit owner.

I get up at 5:30 this morning and I'm hearing the booming again. Grrr. So I throw on some clothes and go knock on the door. If the unit owner had been notified, he didn't bother to tell the renters. I told them I could hear it all the way back in my bedroom and my office, with headphones on. The noise has been bad enough that my glass shelves on the common wall have rattled and stuff has fallen off the shelves. The noise doesn't help Shad's disposition, either.

The dude I talked to apologized several times. The unit owner hadn't talked to them about the Monday incident, so they weren't aware of how loud they were being. He was abashed when I told him it was the first noise complaint I'd filed in almost 13 years of being here.

So far tonight it's been pretty quiet. I can deal with quiet quite nicely, thank you.
---
Kettlebells continues. It actually does, in two weeks. Enough of us spoke up about it that a new 8 week class starts on October 7. It's during my lunch hour, so that's going to mess with my eating schedule for the day, I'll live.

I'm also going to work with the instructor on doing some functional fitness training as well. You do different things and are graded on a scale. That scale then tells you what exercises you need to do to correct the imbalances. It's only $25, so that's in the budget. Do the evaluations a month apart and see what happens.
---
Other than that, not much doing besides the usual grind. Dealing with the hypoglycemia can be a bright pain, especially when people steal your food. Went to get my 4 pm yogurt yesterday and it was gone. Searched both fridges three times. Thankfully I still had some walnuts and prunes handy to keep me going until I got home.

I know when I'm getting low on blood sugar - my head gets really fuzzy and I get tired. A little bit of sugar perks me right up, so I'm sticking to my shakes and yogurt that release slowly. Still, every 2-2.5 hours I need to have something.

Now if the insulin my pancreas does produce would behave better... Meanwhile, I need to stock up on long lasting snacks.

Even though it's early, I may soon be headed for bed. I'm getting physically tired.

Zoom zoom

2009-09-14T19:27:00.002-05:00

Zoom zoom, all over the cities. Up to Mounds View for work. South to Burnsville for my nephew's football game. South again today to Apple Valley to get my taxes done, then fly up to Mounds View to work. Chael is getting a workout lately.

Went to Burnsville on Saturday to watch my nephew's football game. Gorgeous day, so I hopped on Chael and away we went. Forgot the sunscreen, so my right shoulder is still a bit pink from too much sun. Still, his team won, so the family was happy. He almost had an interception, if he could have hung on to the ball. First game of the season, anything is possible.

Today was a long ass ride. From Plymouth to Apple Valley is almost 34 miles. I made the mistake of taking Crosstown, which meant I got to practice my clutching technique to keep him rolling despite traffic being at a near standstill in the construction zone. Made it to my tax appointment on time.

Corporate and personal taxes are done. I went to see P's part time boss C to get them done, as no one close to home had time for me. I'm getting a nice sized refund that will pay off having last year's taxes done, get me caught up on association dues, and I should be able to pay for six months dues at the wellness center at work. There might even be enough to buy a punch card for kettlebells. State will be direct deposited on Friday and federal next Friday. I like it.

The ride from Apple Valley to Mounds View... a good chunk of the time I was flying along at 75mph+. I had forgotten how fast people fly on Cedar, and 35W wasn't much better, especially when we got north of 36. That's one of those rides I'm not fond of - it takes total concentration to be riding at that speed (for me) because you have no reaction time. No fun.

It's supposed to be nice out all week, so I'll be riding all week. Taez can stay home, wait for winter.

Time to go switch clothes from the washer to the dryer, make my protein drinks for tomorrow and take a shower. Toodles.

Busy mind, busy body

2009-09-07T11:35:00.002-05:00

Urgh. If I don't keep the body moving, the mind starts spinning and nothing moves.

I have gotten some cleaning done. The water fountain is again running in my prosperity corner, and the lamp has a new florescent bulb so that will stay on now for the next 10k hours. I have vacuumed the carpet and put down carpet protector so that my usual entrance/exit through the patio door will stay clean this winter. I've hauled recycling and garbage.

Went to the laundromat yesterday to wash two of my queen sized comforters. While there, I dumped some stuff at ARC and did a small bit of shopping for a new shirt and some lap trays. The lap trays I will spray paint gold and put them under the fountains I have to contain the water if they spill or spatter. Save the furniture.

While out, I stopped at the hardware store to get light bulbs. The one in my office blew out spectacularly Saturday night and I didn't have any spares. Turns out there was a sale and instant rebate offer on the bulbs I wanted, so I got them for 99 cents each. Sweet.

I've got yogurt on the stove, meat thawing in the fridge for lunches and supper for the week. A couple loads of laundry are in the washer, about ready to be transferred to the dryer.

And I've got a cat who's both snoopy and extremely loud. Oy.

The mind is spinning because today marks 16 years since my dad died of his second heart attack. His uncle Bill died on Monday, which was Labor Day, and dad died two days later, on my sister's birthday. Mom and I inherited both estates. Yeah rah.

I wonder what might have been, and realize that gets me nowhere but hurt. In some other timeline dad had the courage to tell me he loved me. In some other timeline the twins survived and I had older brothers to lean on and survive with.

In any other timeline I'm not nearly as alone as I am in this one.

Let the cleaning begin

2009-09-05T12:25:00.001-05:00

So, it's Labor Day weekend, and indeed it will be a weekend of labor for me.

I'm feeling rather fed up with the state of things around here, so it's time to clean house. I'm trying to keep it to small projects - clean this corner here, decide what to do with all the extra shoes I don't wear, dust this, fix that. Things that are no more than 5' x 5' in area, or one specific piece of furniture. If I don't do it that way, I'll go into overwhelm, which I've done once this morning. If I'm going to get things done, one small piece at a time.

I'm cleaning because Dr. R worked my arms over big time. Between crocheting as much as I have, kettlebells and all the keyboarding I do at work, plus the bike, my wrists were hurting. He put the stim pad on my wrists, cranked up the stim to the point I couldn't control my hands.

He was thinking kill two birds with one stone. Get the wrist inflammation down with the stim, then have the stim arc through my shoulders so the lymph nodes were shocked open as well. My lymph has been dumping stuff out of my system under my arms, instead of pumping and dumping things into the veins like they are supposed to. This has been going on for over 6 1/2 years, and I've had it. Melia and berbercap help control it, but I need to do some major lymph drainage on myself. Perhaps some bouncing on the rebounder when I hit overwhelm - two more birds with a different stone.

Dr. R had kudos and boo's for kettlebells. From now on I need to use the dumbbells to do planks and pushups on. I had been doing them with my hands flat on the floor, which throws the wrists out of whack. Gotta be straight. He does see the change in my muscle tone all over. He can feel the difference and thinks that continuing once a week for now is a good thing.

Now the question becomes, do I go to the kettlebells studio or do I pony up the $138 to join the wellness center for six months? Using the wellness center would be cheaper, cause going to the studio would be $50 a month if I do a punch card, plus the gas to get there.

Maybe what I do is a compromise. I join the wellness center and work out on my own with the bells there. Then once a month I go to the studio as a check in, see what they have going on, any new routines or moves they have and incorporate that for the next month. Then when the class is held at the wellness center again, I take the class there.

I suppose. Lunch, then start cleaning again. The iPod is snyched, as is the Palm Pilot (I'm finding I'm starting to like Bluetooth...), got the tunes, got the time. One small step.

Yeah, yeah

2009-09-02T21:39:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a bit since I've posted. Most days it's same stuff, different day. Get up, meditate, get ready, go to work, come home, crochet or work some more, go to bed, start all over again. Blah blah blah.

What made today different was doing two hours of chair massage. Every year when I've been at the place I'm working at, during their annual United Way campaign, I've put in that I would do chair massage as a department reward. Each person in the department gets a 5 minute chair massage and the department manager gets 10 minutes.

The department that got the bid does clinical research and works with the FDA. Just about everyone's neck and shoulders were out of whack either because they sit in cubes all day or they travel a lot. Either way, lots of people very happy to see me.

Did have one person that has a mild case of scoliosis. Told her about Quantum Touch, gave her the website on the back of my card, told her to call me if she wants to learn more.

Another was dealing with an ongoing case of swelling under her arm. I showed her how to find her master lymph nodes and how to do the lymphatic drainage to get the swelling out. She's seen doctors about it, they told her not to worry about it. @#$%!^&!! doctors.

That wore me out by noon. Then I had kettlebells tonight. He had us doing stuff to strengthen the shoulders, and mine are hurting. Then again, my shoulders are weak right now. I can do planks for 15-30 seconds, but it's my hands and shoulders that give out before the rest of me does. Even doing planks on my forearms still throws my shoulders out. Good thing I'm going to see Dr. R tomorrow night.

One good note out of class today? I actually managed, while sitting on the floor, to touch my toes going both ways. First time in 30 years I've been able to do that. That's after five classes. Standing up to touch my toes, I'm within about six inches.

There's also been some mind/body stuff going on. Realizing how hate-filled I had been, did a meditation to wash out the poison in my heart and stop it from coming back. Cognition of what I say to myself and how it affects my body. The d'oh moment when things snap into clarity.

And now if I don't head for bed, my noggin is going to snap into the keyboard. Toodles.

Plumbing, day 2

2009-08-23T11:35:00.002-05:00

Oy. Got one leak fixed, but I didn't go far enough. The pipe that connects to the wall is also leaking. Discovered that this morning.

So, when I get home from my platelet donation this afternoon, I'll tackle that stripping and re-caulking job.

And while I was scurrying around the kitchen, I decided to look up where I can recycle those pesky #5 plastics that our local city and county don't take. I found this site which lead me to this site. So I'll start a bag for all the #5 plastics I collect and take them with the next time I go to Whole Foods. They also have a place where you can ship them to as well. They use the stuff to make toothbrush handles.

While I was under the kitchen sink yesterday I also tried to get the garbage disposal running. The sad thing is, I think it's now a rusted piece of junk, since it took me six years to get it hooked up. I can't get the thing to move, so I'm pretty sure it's toast. There's another $100 for a new disposer. At least I can do the work myself.

That's today in a nutshell. Platelet donation, fix the pipes, again. Make lunch for next week. Wash clothes. Crochet.

Plumbing repairs

2009-08-22T11:50:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I just finished doing the dishes and was draining the sink when I heard water dripping below. The drain pipe from the sink decided to leak.

Now the good news is, I've caught it early. I have a fan on under the sink to dry it out. I dug through my junk drawer and found I have two tubes of silicone so I can strip the old silicone and put on fresh. Maybe while I'm under there I'll actually hook up the garbage disposal. Then I can send ice cubes down the drain to clean the whole system out.

Meanwhile, yogurt is on the stove. I got groceries yesterday, so I'm OK there. Now I just need to put a few things together for lunch next week and I'm good.

I'm in the mood for egg salad. I have plenty of eggs, I should boil them up and make some. Yum.

Other than the usual go to work, stare at Excel all day, come home, crochet and play with Shadow, not much doing. Kettle bells is still kicking my butt and back, making me use body parts like they are intended to be used.

I'm on a crocheting streak right now. I finished up a lap robe last weekend, then started on a baby afghan. I'm trying to use up all the old stuff around the house to get it out of here without having to buy too much new yarn. I did drop another $20 in yarn yesterday at a sale. That new stuff will help me finish up some of the other projects that are in process. Then I can donate the works.

The company I work for has volunteer projects, one of which is known as Project Warm Hearts. Those of us that crochet and knit can make stuff and send it in. The company's foundation then makes a cash contribution to the same charity that our stuff goes to. Baby blankets go one place, lap robes another, scarves mittens and caps go yet a different place. I should start keeping track of what I've spent, time and money wise, see if I can take it off my taxes.

So, I suppose, better see how bad the mess is. Eat some lunch, let the fan run, plot how to fix this.

I wonder how bad my fame is plugged up and/or leaking away...

Zzzz...

2009-08-13T19:55:00.001-05:00

Maybe I should go to bed early tonight. I'm just about a walking zombie anyways.

Been tired the last couple days. I'm chalking it up to the heat - it wipes me out. Throw in kettlebells and yeah, I'm done.

We're finally in a hot streak, days above 80 degrees all week. Yes, it's nice, but I could do without sweating all the way home from work. Even in this heat, I still wear full jacket, helmet and gloves when I ride Chael. I can recover from dehydration a whole lot faster than I can road rash or worse.

Got a good giggle at work today. My work computer has been having some issues (it's a PC, whadda ya expect?), so the guys in the department have been trying to re-image it. I had gone to do something, came back to my desk and the re-image expert was there along with two of the other guys. As I walked up, one guy who I know rides quipped to me, "Well, Beth rides." Reimage dude looks at me, so I pipe up, 750 Shadow.

I'd walked into the middle of a conversation about why reimage dude doesn't ride his motorcycle to work. Several astounded looks went around the group when I went on that I rode my bike because it gets 50 mpg while my truck gets 12. They ribbed me about getting a different vehicle, I told them I'd love to, just can't do it right now.

I'm still giggling about it. I've been waiting for one of them who has seen me get on or off the bike to make a comment about me riding. Didn't expect to be used as a way to get at someone for not riding theirs.

It reminded me of when I was at Home Depot. When I first started riding, I was going in at 7 am, so I'd walk right through the contractor crowds at registers 1 & 2. I'd purposefully wait to pull off my helmet until I got inside the big doors. The contractors in line would usually drop their jaws to see a woman come in with motorcycle gear. I was the only woman that rode at that store.

As for kettlebells, I did go to the second class. We dropped from 13 to 10. That's OK, that leaves a few more of the lighter weight bells available. We did swings, one arm presses, trying to do push ups on the bells. Give me a flat pair of dumbbells and I can do a plank and a bit of a push up, but forget the bear crawls.

I'm not near as sore as I was last week. When I got home last night I dove right into the shower with as hot water as I could stand, then stretched as I went. When I got out, lots of water and a protein shake.

Not much doing otherwise.

Kettlebells and Kooza, redux

2009-08-07T17:59:00.001-05:00

Start with Kooza this time.

Kooza was pretty cool. It's been at least 30 years since I've been to a circus, so this was a treat.

The story line is about a little boy out trying to fly his kite on a windy day. While out, he receives a big box. The box contains a magical jack-in-the-box and his magical wand. From there all sorts of things happen. There's the classic circus acts, like jugglers, a couple magic acts, a pick pocket and hauling up audience members for different gags. There was a double high wire act, a gal on a high swing, a trio of contortionists, acrobats using a seesaw.

There were two acts that left me shaking my head. One was the last act, a gymnast that was stacking chairs then balancing on them. The guy had amazing control - his body many times was at odd angles to his arms that would throw a normal person's center of balance off completely. Not once did he waver, the tower never moved. He moved slowly, perfectly in balance no matter what he did.

Another act that had me calculating physics as fast as I could in my head was the Wheel of Death. Click on the link above to see the contraption. What the guys were doing on the inside and outside of the wheels made my heart stop a couple times.

It was cool. I wouldn't mind seeing it again.

As for kettlebells, I had to go see Dr. R today. He agreed that I need to do something to tear down the muscles in order to build them back up. He was surprised that I went right straight to kettlebells, but he understands where I am coming from.

As I suspected, my hips and low back were out of whack, despite seeing Dr. M just a week ago. Out came the stim pads and heat pack to get the muscles loosened up. I had him work on my left foot, which he thinks is really stiff, which is what causes it to hurt in a particular spot. Then he started working on my hands, commenting that my fingers are starting to tighten up like my pinky fingers that I can't flatten out.

I will be seeing much more of Dr. R. I am so sick of seeing of Dr. M and his mind games. I much prefer Dr. R's straight forward approach.
---
It's been raining today. We need it, as here in the cities we're in a pretty good drought. Sounds like we got at least 3/4". It's a small dent in the bucket.

Shadow continues to be a klingon kitty. She was not pleased with me getting home at almost midnight last night. I got chewed out for not feeding her and not being around to cuddle with. Right now she's tucked herself into my left side in the recliner.

It's not that she wants my direct attention, she just wants to be near or on me in some way. If I purposefully pet her, she gets growly and hissy. If I leave her alone, she naps or just hangs out, quietly purring as if she doesn't want me to hear her purring.

Silly furball. This morning, since I slept in, she wanted to go up on the clothing armoire I have. When she was younger she could leap up there by herself from the dresser. Now, not a chance, so I have to lift her up there. She sits on the bed and meows at me until I do so. So I put her up there about 8 this morning. She was sound asleep when I left for Dr. R's, so I just left her up there. She was still sound out when I got home 2 1/2 hours later. At that point I pulled her down, much to her despisement.

So now I've got plenty of work to do tomorrow. Play catchup from today, make a run to the farmer's market for organic beef, maybe go to the art fair or go see a movie.

For tonight, Shad and I will cuddle and watch Eureka.

Kettlebells and Kooza

2009-08-05T20:56:00.001-05:00

OMG, owww.

You would think I would know better than to pick up and swing around an 18 or 25 pound cannon ball with a handle. Nope. That's what a kettlebell is, a cannon ball with a handle.

Yes, for an hour today I was learning how to properly pick up and swing said kettlebell. It's a full body workout. You're using your legs and hips to do the lifting, but all the stabilizer muscles in your gut and back are working overtime to help your arms as you swing.

As I sit here typing, I have a microwaveable heat pack between me and the chair. I had it on my shoulders when I got home so they would loosen up. Now I need to get the mid back to open up.

I'm going to be crazy enough to go back again next Wednesday. In the meantime, when I finish this current gallon of milk, I'll fill that up with rocks and water to use here at home. It may not be as much weight as class, but it will help get those muscles used to working this way. If I really like it, maybe I will invest in one bell, then work my way up.

Good thing I had already decided to drive the truck tomorrow. Don't think the back would hack the bike.

Tomorrow night is a trip to see Kooza, by Cirque de Solei. The company I'm working for got three of the upper deck sections for an unbelievable price tomorrow night. At the regular price of $105 a pop, or even the $95 through MERSC, there was no way I could afford to go. The deal we got, plus the fact I'm going alone, allowed me to get in.

I haven't been out to anything fun like this in almost a year. Something different than my usual Thursday night fare. And given how late I expect I'll be getting home, I'm working from home on Friday.

I'm going to enjoy sleeping in for three days in a row. Been so bloomin' tired again this week that even going to bed before 10 isn't helping any.

So, I'll tell you how Kooza is on Friday, and we'll go from there.

Sunday

2009-08-02T16:47:00.001-05:00

Lots of stuff going on the last couple days.

Today was another platelet donation day. The head phlebotomist was in a good mood, giving me crap left and right. He even started singing my song, Beth by Kiss, to me. Goof.

Took the leap and joined Facebook. Most of my created family is on FB, so I joined so I can keep up with them. All of what I'm thinking and doing will stay here, unconnected to FB, so potential employers and clients don't connect the two.

Thinking of created family, we got together yesterday at French Regional Park. J clan is getting two exchange students this year, and the first one came in yesterday. After they picked her up, they and D clan came to the park. It was great to get together with them again.

If only the weather had cooperated a bit more. It was sunny, but for August 1 in MN it was chilly. Low 70's with a 20 mile an hour wind put the air temp in the 50's. Brr. Wish I had brought my jacket with...

Saw Dr. M Friday night. Asked him about the weight, again. So he played one of his mind tricks on me. Gives me two pieces of paper, tells me to pick which one is right for me. So I open it up, it says 'space for two'. The other one said 'space for one'. My body, because of issues, believes it needs to take up space for two.

Space for two can play in several ways in my head. Yes, given my weight, I have enough mass to make two people. That plays into the abandonment issues that go way back. Space for two could also mean twins, as in the twins my mom lost right before I was conceived. Space for two also plays into my desire for a companion in my life.

Space for one, in this body, is all I need. Now to get head and body to buy into that.

Mammogram was fast and painless. I got there early, and was out before the time my appointment was supposed to start. I like that.

So, I suppose, back to work. I should butcher up one of the roasts so I can make soup for the week. Gumption to get stuff done, none. See what the rest of the day brings.

Bullet dodged

2009-07-29T16:17:00.001-05:00

As I expected, my Pap smear was nothing to worry about. Filling out the paperwork for the OB/GYN took three times longer than the meeting with the doctor.

Yes, some of the cells were a bit unusual. The next step is to then test for the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is a predictor of whether or not the cells that are iffy will turn pre-cancerous or not. I don't have HPV, so no worries. The doctor recommended I come back in a year to get another yearly and take a look at things then if I come back with another abnormal test.

I suspect I would know right away if something truly was wrong. That I didn't panic was my clue.

Now I get to go back to the same location tomorrow to have a mammogram done. Joy. Squished boobs. Painful squished boobs.

Then Friday I get to go see Dr. M for what hopefully will be my discharge from the accident. Now I need to start paying for my own visits again.
---
Since the weight doesn't seem to want to move, I'm going to try a kettlebell class at work. It's $80 for 8 weeks of classes at 4:30 on Wednesdays. See if I can adapt things to use milk jugs as weights and play from there.

Also, I'm now on my third Gruve. The second one was defective - it recorded movement when I know there was none. The one I received yesterday is now back in tune with where the first one was. So now I need to get my backside moving and start walking again.

Torchwood moral and ethical issues

2009-07-26T14:59:00.002-05:00

Torchwood... what ethical and moral conumdrums that one has raised.

Spoiler warnings: I will be revealing plot secrets, so if you haven't seen it, please skip this post. If you want to see it after reading this, I do have it on my DVR, as I'm recording the encore marathon right now. Otherwise it will be available on BBC America Shop on Tuesday.

There are several ethical and moral questions raised in this five part mini-series. One deals with how we act and react to extraterrestrial alien threats and demands. Another is how government as a whole reacts to the aliens, those entrusted to deal with them, and how that influences their decision. A third is about sacrifice, to quote Spock in Trek IV (or was it III?) the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

First up: how do we act and react to alien life forms, their threats and demands if made? For me, there's no question there is alien life in the universe. The odds are so against there not being other life out there that I have no doubt. Have they made contact with us yet? I suspect they have, many times over the centuries. Some may just be curious about us, others may wish to help us advance technologically or spiritually, others may well see us as the enemy, even though we haven't left our solar system yet. Others will view us as stupid children and treat us as such. In some respects, they wouldn't be far wrong.

How would you react if all the world's children all started chanting the same thing at time? We are coming, we are coming back?

The biggest moral and ethical issue raised in this mini-series deals with the aliens wanting 10% of the world's children, or they wipe out the entire human race. When it's found out that the kids are used as a living recreational drug supply for the aliens, the ethics stakes go even higher.

How would you chose the 10%? As presented, the government officials chose the poorest performing schools. Their reasoning? Those would be the most likely to end up on the dole or in prison, those most likely not to succeed in the world.

There's the catch. If you, as a government official, had the chance to clean out your juvenile detention centers, the poorest of the poor, those that are the biggest monetary drain on society, would you hand them over to an alien, just to get them off your hands? Even if you knew that the children would become living drug supplies for those aliens, and that the aliens would likely be back for more in the future?

I wonder how the Chinese would have gathered their 10%? As it is, parents in China are only supposed to have one child. What do you tell those parents? You've had your one, now give them up? And oh, by the way, no, you can't have any more, either. If there wasn't an uproar before, there would be with that.

I couldn't. I would fight to my dying breath to make sure that 'my' six kids would not be in that 10%. When they were safe, I'd do what I could to make sure no one else was in that 10% either.

The other thing that rankles me is how, in this show, the government treats the people that can best deal with the threat. By eliminating those that know best how to deal, you lose whatever advantage you have. You lose the knowledge base, the expertise that in the end gets you out of the mess. Aargh.

Sacrifice. How far are you willing to go, how many lives are you willing to sacrifice if it means saving the rest of the human race? Are you willing to sacrifice your lover, your best friends, your own child or grandchild if it means the rest will live?

With Torchwood, the adults are cannon fodder, the red shirts. They go in knowing they won't get a long life span. If they don't know, it doesn't take long to find out. The only one who lives is Captain Jack, and that's because he's a fixed point in time and space thanks to Dr. Who.

Jack sacrifices his own grandson to save the rest of the world's children. He wants to find another way, but runs out of time. There is no other choice. And as much as his daughter hates him for taking away her only child, somewhere she understands. His life for all the others. It's not a fair trade. Yes, she can have more, and it's still her first born child.

After all is said and done, the alien threat is over, how do you move on? Can you move on, given how much you have lost, and the grief over each and every death that you may have played any part in? Sounds to me like a major guilt trip in the making.

Do you stay, do you run? Jack chose to run, Gwen stayed. Gwen had hope, both in the form of her marriage to Rhys and in the child she carried. Jack lost almost everything near and dear to him: the hub, Ianto, his daughter and grandson, and all the Torchwood personnel he's lost over the 100+ years he's been working there.

I'm not sure I could stay and cope with that, either. Even with all I know and the resources I have access to, it would be a long time coming out of that guilt trip.

Enough of the rant for now. If watching for the third time gives me any more to rant about, I'll write about it later.

Oh, there is one last thing. If this is the series finale, damn, what a way to go.

Where to start...

2009-07-26T13:37:00.001-05:00

Where to start? I've got several topics I want to touch on, so I think I'll briefly mention all of them, then do separate posts on each topic.

First off, I haven't written this week because I've been busy watching Torchwood: Children of Earth. I got hooked on Torchwood (and Primeval) on the BBC over the last couple months. Torchwood ties into the current series of Dr. Who, so there's several pieces fitting together.

Anyway, the Children of Earth miniseries presented some very interesting ethical and moral questions. I'll go more into those in another post. The questions have been haunting my dreams, making me question things.

I've also been watching a lot of Primeval as well. Another interesting show, not near as many moral or ethical dilemmas as Torchwood.

Got enough issues to deal with on my own, thank you. Earlier in the month I went in for the first full physical I've had in three years. The MD left me a voice mail on Friday that my Pap smear came back with some unusual cells and he wants me to get a second opinion with an OB/GYN.

Joy. Another frellin' pelvic exam.

No, I'm not panicking. Far as I'm concerned, nothing to panic about. I say that because my period finished less than 48 hours before I had the Pap smear. Still, get it checked out and make sure.

When I got a massage yesterday, I had the therapist check in on me energetically. She said the area looked cloudy, with grey clouds. Hearing that, I did some checking of my own this morning.

The reproductive system energetically is the seat of creativity, where we literally and physically give birth to things in life. In the past, when I've had really bad cramps and no access to painkillers, I've tried to find out what's causing the cramps. All I got was that my uterus wanted a baby. Not happening...

Now, when I ask, what I get is that I'm denying being a female. Really? How much more unfeminine can you get? I'm not butch, but I'm not a girly girl either. I'm just no-where, not belonging to either or both. Observer and observed, not participating.

So, we'll see when I can get in to the OB/Gyn and go from there. Get the boobs squished and see what they're doing, make a right month of it.

Cleaning

2009-07-20T22:11:00.001-05:00

What is it with me and cleaning in July? Last year's cleaning kick started in July, if I remember correctly. Or was it June? That cleaning was a necessary thing, cleaning out the things I didn't want or need in my life.

This time I hope to be cleaning and de-cluttering to make room for something in my life.

Tuesday will be a month since Raini died. It's time to get moving, to start moving on the things that let go when she did.

It wasn't much, but it was something. I hauled out a whole mess of old magazines and catalogs, at least 4-5 trips, plus a couple garbage runs. The third litter box has been dis-assembled, merged into the other two. There's more space on the floor - no carpet skating - so now I need to vacuum to finish the floor.

Cleaning out the old magazines opened up one shelf in my smaller book case. Now I've got more space for all the books in my house.
---
Thinking of books, still plowing through Abraham-Hick "Ask and It Is Given." In the back there are 22 ways to help raise your vibration and get back in the flow. One of the ideas that caught my eye was the place mat process.

The place mat process consists of making your to-do list, but with a twist. Divide the paper you're making your list on in two. One side make the list of things you have to do, that only you can do. On the other side, make the Universe's to do list. What are things you'd like to get done but just can't, because there is too much to do? Let the Universe handle it.

The idea is that by listing what you can get done, you've made a change in your vibration. By handing over the the Universe what you can't get done, there's a relief that you no longer have to carry that burden. That relief boosts your vibration.

On Friday, I made myself some copies of this. On one side I put the things I needed to do in the next week, one page for work, one page for home. I put down what I want to get done at work, and all the things I want the Universe to handle when it comes to work. On the one for home, I put down what I wanted to get done here at home, and what I wanted the Universe to handle.

There's another one called the prosperity game. There have been a couple of online versions I've seen before. This one starts out at $1k a day and adding $1k per day. You have to both deposit and spend that amount per day. You can create checks, or use old checks from a closed account, and spend that money. You need to get creative on how to spend it. Maybe it's a remodeling project, where the individual days go for different parts of the project. It could be for getting new appliances, or fixing your vehicle, or making a donation to a food shelf, whatever you want to spend it on.

Which this one, if you started at $1k and added $1k per day, you would deposit and spend over $66 MILLION dollars. What could you do with $66 million? Think about how that would boost your vibration, money wise.

So yes, it's time to start making use of these. Get the juice flowing again, get me back into the flow of joy.

Grants and such

2009-07-15T20:58:00.002-05:00

So the search begins to see if I can find some grant money to get me out of this financial hole I've created for myself. I know they are out there, just need to do some research, start applying and see what happens. I'm setting my sights on not only enough to get the siding paid for, but to do the windows and patio door as well, which brings the total up to about $9k. If I could get some extra to re-do my bathroom, re-wire the house so I can put down an electric warming mat in the bathroom, finish what I started with the kitchen remodel, and frame in the space in the living room for a closet, I'd be sitting pretty.

More would get me new carpet throughout. A new dishwasher and stove wouldn't hurt matters any, either. And if I can get some grants, I'll let the association know how I got them, so maybe the association can either go after the grants themselves, or make the info available to other homeowners who are in the same spot I am.
---

I am finally done with going through the spreadsheet and licenses to match people up. I'm waiting on people to get back to me, the majority of it is done for the moment.

As expected, out of almost 14k licenses, almost 8k are in use, 5k are open and 1k are waiting to be assigned. We don't need the extra 1900 licenses that were purchased on June 23, so I'm hoping we can finagle a refund on most of that.

We've got places we can use that money. Some can fund my salary and maybe hire another person to help me as we do more software. A big chunk of it can go to help bring Vista into company. We need packagers that can do SCCM packaging, since we've got at least 1500 apps to get done.

My boss told me today they will keep me on after October. Now whether that's as an employee or still as a contractor, not sure. I do want to research how much software asset management people are paid, so I have an idea of the salary range. I want to be in a position of power to negotiate this when it's time.
---

Ouch. My body is a bit out of whack after Monday. I rode Chael up to JD's dad's funeral in St. Cloud. Given that gas is $2.21 at my station right now, that's less than $7 to fill up Chael for the 140 mile round trip. In Taez, that would have been 10 gallons, which is a bit out of the budget right now.

What I didn't factor into the cost was how my body would feel after the ride. I stopped in Monticello both up and back to give my hands a rest. I also needed to slam a protein drink around those times, so it worked out.

Getting out of bed yesterday morning was interesting. My left hip and glutes were not happy with me. My seat on Chael is comfortable, just no backrest or leg rest (if I had engine guards, there would be). No way to stretch out or sit comfortably for long periods of time. It was a 90 minute ride each way, not including breaks. More incentive to get the grants to either fix up Chael or get a Spyder or a Goldwing.
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I knew somewhere around the house I had two more Abraham books on the Law of Attraction. Found them tucked behind some other books I'd been reading. I'm going through the one on the Art of Allowing, which seems to be an issue with me. I'm resisting the flow. I don't know how to get out of my own way.

Part of it, I've momentarily forgotten how to dream about what I want in this life. Reading is helping me remember.

Remember that I want a hybrid Tahoe or Escalade. I want my own freestanding home, built either out of a concrete dome or insulated concrete forms. I want a man in my life and all that goes with having a loving partner to do things with, be with. Remember how to focus on what I want so the rest just fades away.

And I live here because...???

2009-07-13T21:22:00.002-05:00

I know I've whined previously about where I live, that some days I wish I had not moved in here.

Today's another one of those days. We had an association meeting tonight about new siding for the building. We're looking at $190k for the building and garages. My portion of that as a special assessment comes to $4200 that I would have to come up with by September 15 at the latest.

Part of me wants to be really defeatist about this and just say screw it, let them put a lien against my unit and not fuss about it. Part of me wants to play with the Law of Attraction and see what we could do about bringing that money, plus enough to put in new windows and a patio door as well.

I do have several parties that owe me what it would take to cover all this. One I would have to haul into small claims court and I know she still wouldn't pay up. I doubt she ever had any intention of making the payments. Another is unemployed, so I'm not bugging them. The other two I've written off. Between the four, there's at least $17k I'm owed.

Lesson learned: Never, ever, loan money to friends and family. Never, ever, take loans, either.

Research into window and siding programs is next, I suppose. See if there are any out there that cover those of us living in multiple unit buildings. Or grants, and/or low cost loans, and/or whatever else I can find.

MIA

2009-07-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

Missing In Action.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Missing out on the action in my own life.

Life still sucks. I miss Raini. I miss my meditation buddy. I miss hearing her purr and feeling the vibration. I miss her begging for people food and cleaning up my plate after I'd eaten supper. I miss her quiet lap time with me, where we'd just hang out and read or watch TV. I miss having her tucked in between my arm and my body as I go to sleep.

What really sucks is some days it feels like she was never here at all. Just a figment of my imagination. Those days I hate, because I feel like I'm forgetting her already, and it hasn't been three weeks yet.

Yet life goes on. Or not.

I suspect the season of funerals has begun. I've been through this twice before, when many people chose that time to pass back to spirit because they couldn't deal with the changes in the energy. The famous people that have passed in the last couple weeks, Raini, a co-worker's mother, now JD's dad.

It's been a while since the last funeral I attended. That would have been my aunt Bernice a couple years ago. Monday I'm taking Chael up to St. Cloud to be there for J & A and the kids. They have their entire family, his sisters and all of their relatives. Still, it's nice to see a friendly face in the crowd. That I can tell you from experience.

I suppose it's time to get my life back on track, stop being a victim and move on with things. Tell the saboteur and her gremlins to get out of my head and go make someone else's life hell. I created my way into this, I can create my way out of it.

I will make a pit stop to watch Torchwood and Primeval, though, along with Eureka. Gotta have a few distractions to let my head pull abstract stuff together.

Ugh

2009-07-08T18:17:00.002-05:00

Why am I writing when I have no idea of what to say? Hoping stream of consciousness will come up with something?

Went in yesterday for my first MD physical in three years. Did the usual, had him check my back since in the past I've badly sunburned my back a couple times. He agreed to have my thyroid levels checked, along with my cholesterol. I'm scheduled to have my first mammogram on the 30th, the day before my health insurance runs out. I'm sure that will come back just fine. Use it as a baseline.

Surprisingly, he agreed with the high protein diet as being the best way to let go of the weight. He, at least, recognizes that carbs are the enemy.

I feel like I've run out of words. Some might call it writer's block. For me who usually has to rein in and not be TMI, this is unusual. My life right now is same stuff, different day, and they all just blur together.

Where to go from here...

2009-07-03T20:41:00.001-05:00

Met with Dr. M today. It's been two weeks since the last time I saw him, and my body was feeling it. Between the stress of Raini and a few other things, I've been in some pain. Waking up with some vicious headaches because my neck was out of alignment, ditto knees. Yeah, I was due.

The weight not moving was a topic for today. Kicking to a high protein diet evidently takes the body a while to realize what's going on. I need to give it at least two months for the body to detox, then the weight will start dropping. I know I'm detoxing, given how things are going on with my body. Probably should do a liver and kidney cleanse to help things move along.

My Gruve snapped in two yesterday. The plastic where the clip attaches to the body of the device snapped clean off. Emailed customer service, they are sending me a new one, no charge. They changed the clip to polycarbonate so it's twice as strong. For now, I've got it tucked in the terry cloth wrist band I've been wearing it on at night. The new one should be arriving sometime next week.

Stopped at Lakewinds Co-op in Minnetonka on the way home from Dr. M's. Much easier to get into than the Wedge, lots more parking. Got bee pollen and a few other things I needed. Now if I need something I can stop on the way home from Dr. M's to pick things up.

I am grateful for a three day weekend. I slept in until 5 this morning - usually I've been up between 3:30-4. Today I let be my Saturday in not getting much done. I'll make yogurt and a few other things tomorrow, do some work from home to get my 40 hours in. Sunday I may go for an extended ride, just to do something different and see someplace I haven't been through, even though I've lived in the cities for almost 15 years now.
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The house just seems strange without Raini in it. Hard to believe that a 4 pound cat could make such a difference. The place seems a bit quieter, a bit darker without her here.

Shadow seems to want to spend as much time on my lap as possible. She hisses and growls if I need to move, so her crabbiness has not abated one bit. I have to wonder if her crabbiness has to do with her limping when she does get down - how much pain is she in? She doesn't like me running energy to her, given the growls I get when I do.

Dunno what I'm gonna do with that one. One day at a time.

Shadow

2009-06-26T19:55:00.001-05:00

I think Shadow is starting to realize Raini isn't coming home. All of a sudden she's turned klingon, finally coming to sit with me last night, this morning during breakfast and when I got home tonight.

She's also starting to learn to turn down her calls, volume wise, at least when I'm home.

Obviously, not a whole lot going on. I go to work, continue to plow through my spreadsheets seeing how many I can match up. Then I need to work on the policies and procedures for going forward.

If I can reel in some of the 1800 licenses purchased and return them, we'll have some money to do a few things. My boss told me that hiring me is one thing she wants to do. Paying for a developer to put the Access database into SQL would be another. Having a reserve fund for when we outgrown our folder space and need to have our own server. Maybe bringing in another contractor to help with the work. There's a lot we could do with 250-500k.

You would think with all the walking I do, at least 2.5 miles a day at work, would give me energy. It's not. See if the CoQ10 helps, now that I have it back in hand after my last VitaCost order.

I suspect I will be a woman of very few words over the next couple weeks. If I start to whine too much, I expect y'all to call me on it - at least I'll know you're reading.

Broken, shattered...

2009-06-25T20:43:00.002-05:00

How many words can I come up with to describe the state of my heart and the emptiness of my soul?

Broken, shattered, splintered, mangled. Hollow, empty, void...

I could use adverbs and adjectives to expand the descriptors above. I suspect all of you know those same feelings in one capacity or another. No need to expound on them.

Even with as shattered as I feel, I do know there is a good side to this. I get to put my heart back together the way I want to, the way my soul wants me to. This time I get to chuck out the crap that no longer serves me. I can even patch in some pieces that are chosen specifically for their long term benefits.

Putting me back together will have to wait for just a little while. I'm tired, exhausted, and it is all catching up with me. Early to bed tonight and let myself sleep in as long as I can this weekend. Naps are OK, too. Rebuilding a strong foundation takes energy and clarity, neither of which I have in the abundance needed for that type of a project.

I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. Shadow still needs to be fed. There's still plenty of work to do. Bills need to be paid, house has to be cleaned. The world doesn't stop just because my life has. I wonder if there ever will be time to just shut out the world and just grieve.

R.I.P. Raini

2009-06-23T12:37:00.004-05:00

That dreaded day is here. I had to put Raini to sleep about 11:30 this morning.

She was really listless this morning, wouldn't touch anything food wise. I wasn't feeling the greatest, so I decided to stay home. I'm glad I did.

She sat with me as I did some work, trying to stay ahead of what's going on at work. She couldn't get comfortable, she was weak, just not her usual self. About 10:30-11 she started breathing with her mouth open, and I knew. Called the vet and took her in.

She's been with me since September 1990. I picked her up from a shelter when she was just a tiny little thing. When she was really little, she would sleep curled around my head at night. After I was fired from that job, we moved home with Mom and Dad for a while. Then she would tuck her ribs right into my ear and purr me to sleep at night.

Mom and Dad weren't too pleased to have an indoor cat. Eventually they warmed up to her. We played fetch in the hallway. Yes, she would fetch a ball I threw down the hallway and bring it back to me. She loved playing fetch.

When we moved to Clarkfield, we first lived in an old house, then moved to an apartment above the post office. The stairs up were outside the building, so I would let Raini and Shad run up and down the stairs and chatter at the birds. They knew it was time to come in when I whistled for them.

We survived the Clarkfield tornado on June 16, 1992. I was almost killed twice that night. Raini I found under the bed, Shad somehow made it into a closed drawer that was maybe 2" deep (she was a kitten at the time, not the 15# furball she is now.)

We've moved from Clarkfield to Willmar to Crystal to Plymouth, where we've been for the last 12+ years. She's been with me every step of the way.

During my second suicide attempt, my only real concern was what would happen to Raini and Shadow. Who would take care of them, what would happen to them. That, and Andy's email, kept me here.

Raini has been more than a pet to me. She's been my companion, my friend, given me all the unconditional love she could. Now she's gone over the Rainbow Bridge.

I know she's with me in spirit. I know I'll see her spirit walking when I least expect it.

My heart is breaking. I know in time I'll heal, but I already miss her so much. Her purr, when she'd chatter at the birds

After my meeting this afternoon, I'll take her body down to Paws, Claws and Hooves to have her cremated. It's just ashes that are left, still, it's something of her.

Now I need to clean up her body, take care of things.

My furry angel has earned her wings.